Chapter 15. I don't have the courage to love again. ...

In fact, Shang Shu didn't know the way either. She just kept her head down and walked quickly because she realized that she was in a bad state and had to leave this place as soon as possible. Her fingertips began to tremble uncontrollably, her ears began to ring, and a familiar feeling of suffocation surged through her body. Shang Shu was very familiar with this feeling; it was a symptom of an attack.

"Shang Shu!" Gu Sui ran after her.

Shang Shu didn't stop walking. With her last bit of rationality, she restrained her emotions, walked to the roadside, and reached out to flag down a car.

"Where are you going?" Gu Sui asked anxiously, grabbing the other person's wrist.

"Let go." Shang Shu felt her heart pounding so hard it felt like it was going to explode. She gasped for breath, unable to think of anything else but that she had to go home immediately to take her medicine.

Gu Sui noticed Shang Shu's unusual behavior, but before she could continue, she was shoved aside and watched helplessly as the other person got into the taxi.

"Yijing Bay." Shang Shu tossed it to the driver, quick and decisive.

"Yes, miss."

The driver glanced at the woman in the back seat in the rearview mirror, then at the person next to the car, before stepping on the gas.

"Shit!" Gu Sui swore, a rare occurrence for her. She dug her fingers into her hair and then quickly walked back towards the water's edge.

The butler kept the woman at the door, and seeing his mistress's extremely unpleasant expression, he silently thought that this troublemaking woman could only pray for good luck.

Gu Sui, with a strength she didn't know she possessed, grabbed the woman's arm and practically dragged her into the villa. Her gaze was icy: "I don't have time to waste with you. Answer my questions, understand?"

The woman trembled, seemingly taken aback by her aura. She hadn't expected her to change her expression so suddenly. Her intuition told her that she seemed to be in big trouble, and her act of playing the victim was no longer effective. She quickly nodded.

After about ten minutes, Gu Sui finally understood the whole story. The woman's name was Pei Qingqing, one of Zhao Min's many rumored girlfriends. She was two months pregnant, and both the Pei and Zhao families knew this. Now that the Zhao family was going to sacrifice the pawn to save the king and form a marriage alliance with the Gu family, and the Pei family had no power to resist, they had no choice but to take a risky move.

The paparazzi hired by the Pei family also came with Pei Qingqing. They must have already taken a picture of Pei Qingqing kneeling and begging her. If Pei Qingqing is let go today, I believe this picture will soon be on the entertainment news.

"You want to climb over the Gu family to get ahead? Do you know what the consequences will be?" Gu Sui gritted his teeth and squeezed out a few words.

"I...I...Dad forced me to do this. He said the Gu family and the Zhao family are on good terms, so even if something happens, they won't really turn against each other. That way, I can marry into the Zhao family and give my child a proper status...I really have no other choice. Miss Gu, I've told you everything I know. Please, for my child's sake, let me go." Pei Qingqing cried and pleaded.

Gu Sui guessed that the paparazzi was probably still waiting for Pei Qingqing, and she continued in a cold voice, "I won't do anything to you. Hand over the photos, and I can overlook the rest."

“But…but…” Pei Qingqing seemed to hesitate, after all, this was her only hope.

Gu Sui rubbed his forehead impatiently: "I have no interest in a marriage alliance with the Zhao family. I will give the photos to the Gu family, and you can handle the rest yourself."

Pei Qingqing pondered for a moment, then agreed with red and swollen eyes.

Having obtained the photos, Gu Sui had no time to deal with the matter. She needed to find Shang Shu and explain things to her first, so she didn't dare to delay for a moment and drove to the company.

Shang Shu stumbled back to Yijing Bay. The housekeeper was startled by her appearance and hurriedly got her medicine and called the family doctor for a check-up.

Shang Shu sat quietly on the edge of the bed. Apart from nightmares, her PTSD had not flared up in her daily life for a long time. But today, she chose to recall that near-death experience when she had no medicine at hand. She took another sip of water to calm herself down.

She knew what triggered the illness, but she refused to admit it.

Perhaps she shouldn't have gotten so close to Gu Sui, because the possessiveness and jealousy that shouldn't have appeared would drive her crazy, just like the moment she still couldn't stop overthinking.

Who is that woman?

What is his relationship with Gu Sui?

What role has it played in the past three years?

She dared not think any further.

Shang Shu thought of a place where she could find peace of mind. She called the driver, and despite the housekeeper and doctor's objections, she put her coat back on and got into the car.

"Chaobai Mausoleum".

After learning the destination, the driver respectfully agreed and slowly raised the partition between the front and rear rows.

Chao Bai Cemetery is a private Catholic cemetery built by Shang Shu's maternal grandparents in Macau. Shang Shu's mother, He Landai, is buried here. Shang Shu doesn't know much about her maternal grandparents' family. Most of what she knows are scattered stories she heard from old servants in her early years. She only knows that her maternal grandmother was Portuguese, and that her mother, who was of mixed Chinese and Portuguese descent, was born into an artistic family. Later, because she insisted on marrying her father, who was a businessman, her relationship with her maternal grandparents' family became very strained.

The vehicle drove into the tranquil cemetery, where neatly trimmed shrubs and evergreen trees on both sides emitted a faint scent of pine. The wheels rolled over the paved path, making a steady, muffled sound, and came to a stop in front of the columbarium after a short while.

Shang Shu slowly stepped out of the car, picked a lily from the flower basket at the door, and walked to her mother's shrine. The smooth, light-colored marble wall reflected the soft and warm candlelight, and the beautiful cursive script engraved in the gold frame read: Landa de Souza, her mother's Portuguese name.

The woman in the photo is beautiful, bearing a striking resemblance to Shang Shu, though her mixed-race features are more pronounced. Her deep-set eyes and slightly high cheekbones create a soft silhouette, and her long hair is neatly and elegantly tied up, giving her a gentle and serene appearance.

"Mommy, it's been a long time since I've come to see you." Shang Shu gently placed the flowers next to the photo. When she was little, she stubbornly refused to speak Portuguese with He Landai, so much so that she still hasn't learned it. She still prefers to call her Mommy.

"I've been really busy lately, both at work and in my personal life, but don't worry, I'm taking good care of everything. The company is doing well, and I'm also..."

The candle in the niche burned out, making one last, faint crackling sound, as if mocking the falseness of her use of the word "Great".

"I know you can't hide anything from me." Shang Shu smiled wryly, took a new one, and lit it again.

"The company has been in some trouble lately, and I know it's because of me. I shouldn't have been so impulsive or so harsh, but I just wanted to do better... Mommy, if one day I really can't protect all of this, will you be very disappointed in me?"

Shang Shu reached out and gently stroked the photograph. The candlelight flickered, and lilies lay quietly to the side, emitting a faint and charming fragrance. She stood there with her head down for a while.

"Grandma has a good eye for choosing places. The environment here is very nice, beautiful and quiet. Most importantly, there are no business people to bother you, which is great."

“Last time I went back, I argued with Shang Wei again. That was the first time he hit me. It really hurt. But I can’t let him control my life, just like he did to you… It’s such a pity. If I had been a little older then, I would have definitely advised you to leave. But I was too young at six and didn’t understand anything.”

Shang Shu sat down with her back to the altar, gently resting her head on her knees. The floor was cool, but she felt at ease.

"Actually, you didn't give me any chance to get to know you, you didn't even leave me a single word. If it weren't for a photo, I probably wouldn't even remember what you look like."

"Back then, I always asked myself, do you really love me? I think I probably do, after all, you gave me six of the happiest years of my life. But I often felt that this love was not enough, otherwise how could you bear to leave me alone by his side?"

"However, these problems seem to have become unimportant after I met her."

Shang Shu chuckled softly as she spoke, brushing the stray hairs from her forehead and tucking them behind her ear.

“I’ve mentioned her to you before. Her name is Gu Sui, but last time I only mentioned her name and then stopped. During the four years I was with her, I almost forgot all the misfortunes in my life. I never dared to ask someone to love me like that. Unfortunately, in the end, she still left me alone, just like you.”

Shang Shu laughed and then cried, letting her tears fall onto her knees, wetting her trousers in small patches.

"But Mommy, just when I stopped believing in love, she barged into my life without warning. I hated her, cursed her, and tried to avoid her. I tried to ignore her and pretend I couldn't see anything about her, but I can't seem to do it."

“She cares whether I have eaten or not. When something happens at the company, she will say ‘it’s not my fault.’ She also took me to the hospital when Shang Wei hit me. She seems to be very afraid that I will die.”

"My heart is in turmoil. Without her, it felt like there was a hole dug in my heart that I could never fill. But now that she's back, I feel like I don't have the courage to love again."

Shang Shu stubbornly wiped away the tears from the corners of her eyes, and before she knew it, she sat there talking and crying until it got dark.

After an unknown amount of time, Shang Shu listlessly took out her phone. A screen full of messages popped up. She stood up, dusted off her pants, touched the gleaming gold brand name tag under the photo, and said goodbye softly, "Mommy, I have to go now. I'll come see you again next time."

After leaving the columbarium, Shang Shu didn't rush to get into the car. Standing in the wind, she also called Song Lan.

"Mr. Shang."

"Any news from Denali?" Shang Shu asked, getting straight to the point as soon as the call connected.

"We've received a reply. Denali Legal said they've reported it to their superiors and will investigate as soon as possible."

"If they don't take any action within a week, contact Guangjing immediately to issue a statement first," Shang Shu said coldly, gazing at the sculpture in the distance.

“Okay,” Song Lan replied.

Shang Shu didn't hang up the phone. She took it away from her ear and looked at the date. Tomorrow was the weekend, and there were still two days until she met Li Xian next Monday, enough time for her to sort out her thoughts.

"Book me a flight to Shanghai for tomorrow morning."

"Okay, do you need me to go with you?" Song Lan quickly realized, and didn't ask why it was earlier than planned.

"No need, you can arrive on Monday." Shang Shu had no interest in exploiting her employees' weekends.

After explaining everything, Shang Shu was about to hang up when she heard Song Lan seem to have more to say.

"President Shang, President Gu came to the company to see you this morning. He seemed very anxious, but he didn't say what it was about..."

Since it wasn't official business, Song Lan became somewhat hesitant. After all, Gu Sui's expression that morning hadn't been pleasant, and the fact that her boss had suddenly skipped work made it hard for her not to suspect that there was a problem between the two of them.

"I understand." Shang Shu tightened her grip on her phone, replied curtly, and quickly hung up, leaving Song Lan lost in thought on the other end.