Chapter 87 Too Many Firsts

"What nonsense are you talking about!" Shen Panyan's cheeks flushed red with embarrassment and anger. "He and I didn't have that kind of relationship..."

Zhu Zhi was skeptical. Seeing the marks all over her body, it didn't seem like it. Still worried, she cautioned, "Princess, if you are pregnant with his child, I'm afraid..."

"Really not!!" Shen Panyan covered her face, her ears turning bright red.

"Zhuzhi, stop talking about this. Go and give Linxiao the travel expenses and travel permits I asked you to prepare earlier."

Zhu Zhi was slightly taken aback, surprised, "Princess, have you made up your mind?"

Shen Panyan nodded firmly, "Yes, I've made up my mind."

"I will absolutely not leave him here this time."

"Anyway, his injuries have almost healed. Zhuzhi, give him more silver later."

"Yes, Princess." Zhuzhi smiled. "This servant thought that after you and him... had a relationship, you would be reluctant to part with him."

Shen Panyan lowered her eyes and said in a muffled voice, "There's nothing I'm reluctant to part with."

This is a mistake that should have been stopped in the first place.

After bathing, Shen Panyan dressed, and Zhuzhi handed the luggage she had prepared to Lin Xiao.

"Lin Xiao, the princess orders you to leave the manor immediately without delay."

"What did you say?" Lin Xiao was stunned, thinking he had misheard.

Zhu Zhi repeated herself, advising, "You and the princess are never meant to be. Your social statuses are worlds apart. You are a smart person and should understand what the princess means. Your persistence is useless."

"The princess will not accept you."

"I don't believe it!" Lin Xiao clenched his fists, his expression somber, and strode past her toward the room where Shen Panyan was.

He didn't believe His Highness really wanted him to leave.

"Hey, the princess doesn't want to see you right now!" Zhuzhi quickly chased after her.

Lin Xiao stopped in front of her door and knocked. "Your Highness, it's me."

He pleaded in a low voice, "Please don't send me away, okay?"

The breathing inside the room became erratic for a moment, but quickly returned to normal, and a cold, indifferent voice came out.

"Lin Xiao, I've already told you everything. Even if you ask me again, the result will be the same. You can leave now."

"I've already had Zhuzhi give you everything."

Shen Panyan didn't want to see him again; seeing him again would be futile.

She will no longer give him any hope.

Seeing that His Highness didn't even want to see her again, Lin Xiao pursed her lips, withdrew her hand, and went straight around the door, climbing over into her window.

When Shen Panyan saw him suddenly enter and appear in front of her, she was both surprised and angry. "Didn't I say I wouldn't see you? What are you doing here?"

"Your Highness, I don't want to leave your side. Please don't send me away, okay?" Lin Xiao walked towards her step by step, trying to grab her hand, but Shen Panyan dodged it. She frowned and stared at him, calmly saying, "I told you from the first day you came that I don't need you to be by my side."

"You must leave."

“Your Highness…” he looked at her pleadingly.

Shen Panyan turned her head. "There's no room for discussion on this."

"With you being so disobedient, I can no longer keep you by my side."

"Lin Xiao knows he was wrong, Lin Xiao won't do it again next time..." he pleaded in a low voice.

“You’re always wrong, but have you ever really known you’re wrong?” Shen Panyan recounted his past misdeeds. “…Just now, Zhuzhi probably told you that I didn’t want to see you, but you still insisted on going your own way and climbed in through the window.”

"You're always like this. You never listen to me. Tell me, what's the point of keeping you by my side?"

"Your subordinate..." Lin Xiao pursed his lips, his gaze trembling slightly as he looked at her. "Lin Xiao knows he was wrong and will not do it again. Whatever Your Highness says will be done, and he will never overstep his bounds again."

"Fine, you say it won't be like this, then leave now." Shen Panyan pointed to the door. "Leave immediately. If you still listen to me, leave now and leave the princess's residence."

Lin Xiao's heart trembled: "...Apart from this matter."

Shen Panyan smiled, "But all I need is for you to do this."

"If you don't leave, it means you're still disobedient, and I can't keep you here."

"Your Highness!" Lin Xiao's face gradually turned ashen, his knuckles trembling slightly. "Your Highness, apart from this matter, Lin Xiao truly listens to you in everything, except for this matter..."

"Lin Xiao will no longer act on his own initiative, will no longer do things you don't want him to do, will no longer..."

"What's the use of saying so much that you won't do it again!" Shen Panyan looked at him, tears welling up in her eyes. She had truly had enough. She didn't want to endure his stubbornness any longer. Hardening her heart, she said, "I've said it before, if you listen to me, you'll leave!!"

"If you don't listen to me, I won't keep you around anymore..."

"Your Highness!" Lin Xiao's lips trembled, and his eyes were filled with pain as he looked at her. "Is it only when Lin Xiao is injured that you are willing to keep Lin Xiao here?"

A cold, short dagger appeared in his hand, and almost without hesitation, he plunged it into his own shoulder... Shen Panyan screamed in terror, "What are you doing? Stop!!"

"Smack!"

She slapped him hard across the face, a slap she showed no mercy.

Lin Xiao froze, and Shen Panyan hurriedly snatched the dagger from his hand, shouting angrily, "Get out of here! Get out!!"

"I'm telling you, there's absolutely no room for negotiation on this matter!"

"You don't want to leave? Fine, I'll leave!"

Shen Panyan was furious at the fact that he had used her to threaten her.

How could he disregard his own health like this and even use it as leverage? He really, really has some nerve...

As the door slammed shut on the floor, Lin Xiao's eyes slowly lowered, his gaze falling on his wrist, where a smooth, translucent white safety buckle rested.

He still remembered that the prince handed him the safety amulet that day; it was warm to the touch.

She said, "This is a safety amulet I made. I was in a bit of a rush because I didn't know you were coming back today..."

His knuckles curled up little by little, straining until the veins bulged, and his body trembled slightly.

*

After suppressing her anger, Shen Panyan left the room and went to the back garden. She calmly instructed Zhuzhi, "Give him the bundle, whether he accepts it or not. If he doesn't leave, stop his medicine, pack up his room, and don't let him stay there anymore. The eunuch who took care of him should also be transferred elsewhere. He doesn't need to take care of him anymore."

"Yes, Princess." Zhuzhi was slightly surprised and curtsied.

Then, Shen Panyan looked at Qingdai and said, "Go to the Rongguo Duke's Mansion and tell Gu Jinyan that from now on, I will sever all ties with him. He is not allowed to go to the Princess's Mansion again, and no one from the Rongguo Duke's Mansion is allowed to step into the Princess's Mansion."

“I cannot change the imperial decree of my father’s marriage. I will still marry him, but after the marriage, I will keep to myself and never have any contact with him again.”

"Yes, Princess."

The princess was understandably furious that her husband had done such a despicable thing to her. It was only natural that she could no longer tolerate it. As expected of a playboy... Qingdai also looked down on Gu Jinyan's behavior and turned to leave.

When the Rongguo Duke's Mansion learned of Gu Jinyan's actions, they were filled with shock and anger. They sent many gifts to the Princess's Mansion to apologize, but Shen Panyan refused them all.

She has no desire to have anything to do with the people of the Rongguo Mansion, and she especially doesn't want to see Gu Jinyan.

The princess refused to see them, which greatly worried the Rongguo Duke's family. Fortunately, the matter did not reach His Majesty's ears, and the princess did not intend to pursue the matter. Otherwise, such a scandal would have surely led to the Rongguo Duke's family being held accountable and losing all face in the capital.

Gu Jinyan was punished by being forced to kneel in the ancestral hall and was confined to his quarters, forbidden from going out again.

*

Shen Panyan thought that if she cleared Lin Xiao's room out, he would probably give up. However, she heard Zhu Zhi report that he knelt in front of her room to admit his mistake. If she did not retract her order, he would continue to kneel in front of her room.

Shen Panyan laughed, "Does he think I'd fall for his tricks again?"

"Let him kneel if he wants, just ignore him."

When they returned to their rooms to rest at night, Shen Panyan didn't even glance at him before walking straight past him to her room.

Upon seeing her return, Lin Xiao quickly called out, "Your Highness, Lin Xiao..."

To his surprise, he was met with a loud bang as the door slammed shut.

Lin Xiao suddenly fell silent and slowly lowered his eyelashes.

Before long, the room, which had been flickering with candlelight, went completely dark, and the entire courtyard was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Shen Panyan never liked to turn off the lights when she went to sleep, but this time she did.

She said she would no longer give him hope, and she meant it. This time, she was truly determined to drive him away.

The two remained locked in a stalemate.

Lin Xiao refused to leave, and Shen Panyan refused to budge. On the contrary, the outsiders Zhuzhi and Qingdai were anxious for the two of them.

The weather in the capital was getting hotter, and Shen Panyan's room was also getting hot. She was fanning herself with a silk fan, and fine beads of sweat appeared on her forehead. Zhuzhi quickly sent someone to the ice cellar to fetch ice and bring it to her to cool her down.

When the ice was brought over, a slight coolness spread through her body, and Chen Panyan finally felt a little better.

She held a book in her hand, but the thought of the stubborn Lin Xiao outside made it impossible for her to read, and a sense of irritation rose in her heart.

"Zhuzhi, go and see if he's up yet."

"Be careful to stay hidden and don't let him find you."

Zhu Zhi tiptoed out, made an excuse to go for a walk, and came back, shaking her head, "Your Highness, not yet."

"Look at his pale face, I'm afraid he won't be able to hold on any longer."

"It's been three days. He hasn't eaten or drunk a drop of water in three days. Is he trying to kill himself like this?" Shen Panyan clenched the book in her hand in anger and took a deep breath. "It would be good if he fainted. If he fainted, then have someone send him out of the mansion."

In this weather, it's okay not to eat, but not to drink water might really cause problems.

Shen Panyan hesitated for a moment, then whispered, "Zhuzhi, go find a maid and get him some water to drink."

"Remember, don't say that I ordered it. Just say that I took pity on him and gave him the drink on my own initiative."

Zhu Zhi glanced at Shen Panyan with a complicated expression, then shook her head and sighed.

She felt that the princess would still not win this time.

Let's wait and see.

Zhu Zhi went to find a maid and asked her to bring him some clean water. However, Lin Xiao only glanced at her before looking away, completely ignoring her. The maid was anxious and insisted on giving him the water, but he simply reached out and knocked the water over, spilling it all over the ground. He then told her to get lost, as he didn't need anyone's pity.

That fierce gaze nearly scared the little maid to death; she picked up the broken bowl and scrambled away.

Upon hearing this, Shen Panyan was furious again.

“Princess, he probably won’t pay attention to anyone but you.”

Shen Panyan gritted her teeth, "If he doesn't want to drink water, then he doesn't want to drink water. Let him die of thirst."

Another day passed, and the weather was slightly gloomy with dark clouds covering the sky, as if it were about to rain.

After hesitating for a moment, Shen Panyan looked at Zhuzhi and said, "Zhuzhi, go out and see how he is now."

Zhu Zhi was not surprised. She went out for a walk and came back. "Princess, I think he is not able to hold on. His lips are already cracked from thirst. The weather is getting hotter and hotter. If he kneels down again, I think he will either suffer from heatstroke or faint."

Shen Panyan pursed her lips, her heart pounding for a long time before she finally said, "Zhuzhi, go and get him a bowl of mung bean soup to cool him down. Just say that I told him to drink it."

She hardened her heart and said, "Tell him that even if he dies, he should find another place to die, so as not to taint my princess's residence."

"Yes, Princess." Zhuzhi had already anticipated this scene and remained calm.

She turned and went out to the small kitchen to bring him a bowl of mung bean soup to cool him down in the summer heat.

Zhu Zhi stood in front of Lin Xiao and handed him the mung bean soup. Seeing that he ignored her, she sighed, "This is what the princess told you to drink. The princess said that even if you die, you should find another place to die. This is the princess's residence. If you die here, it will only sully the princess's residence."

Lin Xiao slowly raised his head to look at her, his chapped lips moving slightly, "Is Her Highness willing to see me?"

These days, His Highness hasn't even left the house to avoid him.

He knelt for as many days as she stayed inside.

Zhu Zhi shook her head, but handed him the mung bean soup again.

Lin Xiao looked at the mung bean soup in front of him, which was neither too thick nor too thin. His knuckles twitched, and after a moment of silence, he picked up the bowl of mung bean soup and drank it.

Hearing from Zhuzhi that he had drunk mung bean soup, Shen Panyan breathed a slight sigh of relief.

As evening approached, a light drizzle began to fall.

Summer rain always comes suddenly. Thunder and lightning flashed outside the window, and the wind began to howl, rattling the windows. Zhuzhi quickly came over with a lantern and closed her doors and windows tightly. The candlelight inside the room, which had been flickering violently, immediately quieted down.

Shen Panyan lay on the bed, covered with the quilt, listening to the large raindrops hitting the rubble outside the window and the sound of rain hitting the windowpane, her hands gripping the quilt tightly.

Seeing that Zhuzhi had closed the doors and windows and was about to leave, Chen Panyan finally couldn't help but ask, "Zhuzhi, has he left?"

Bamboo Branch shook her head. "No, Princess."

She saw him still kneeling when she came over with the lantern.

It's raining heavily, why isn't he leaving?

Is she really that worth his obsession?

Shen Panyan pursed her lips. "Zhuzhi, go tell him that his waiting is in vain. I will not see him. His self-torture is nothing but wishful thinking. I will not change my mind. Let him give up."

Zhu Zhi glanced at her.

The person who speaks the harshest words is often the one with a soft heart.

She sighed, "Yes, Princess."

Because he drank mung bean soup all night, Lin Xiao is in relatively good condition now.

Suddenly, someone carrying a lantern came to him. He quickly looked up and saw that it was the prince's maid. He then lowered his eyes again. Rainwater soaked his hair and streamed down his face.

Zhu Zhi looked at him and said, "The princess said that your self-torture is just wishful thinking. Lin Xiao, the princess will not let you stay."

Lin Xiao remained silent and did not answer.

Zhu Zhi was used to his ignoring of everyone except the princess. "Lin Xiao, the princess is doing this for your own good. You are a traitor, and it's dangerous for you to stay in the capital. Besides, the difference in your status with the princess is too great; you can't be with her."

"Don't even mention wanting to be a princess's gigolo. At least gigolos are decent commoners. What about you? You have nothing but yourself."

This time, Lin Xiao finally responded to her.

His voice was low and hoarse, "I know."

It is precisely because he has nothing—no identity, no relatives, no friends, nothing but himself—that he absolutely cannot leave.

If he really leaves, then he will truly have no chance to stay by His Highness's side.

He had nothing to rely on; all he possessed was his life.

If His Highness doesn't even care about his life anymore, then he really, really has nothing left.

He cannot lose.

All he can do now is try to soften the prince's heart by risking his own life, which is his most common and most effective tactic.

Win and you live; lose and you die.

The reason he was able to stand out from so many secret guards in the secret guard camp was not only because of his strength, but also because of his disregard for his own life.

He won't lose.

He knows her best; she'll definitely soften her heart.

That night, Shen Panyan tossed and turned, unable to sleep, while the person outside the door remained motionless, still holding on despite being extremely weak.

The next day was still filled with wind and rain.

The rain lessened during the day, and raindrops rolled off the rubble like a beaded curtain, falling to the ground with a crisp and pleasant sound.

Shen Panyan sat inside, absentmindedly flipping through a book, while Zhuzhi reminded her from the side, "Princess, you're holding your book upside down."

"Huh?" Shen Panyan finally came to her senses and realized that she had been holding the book upside down the whole time, so she quickly straightened it.

She hesitated, "Zhuzhi, you go..."

Without the princess saying anything, Zhuzhi knew what she wanted to ask and replied, "He's still kneeling outside, Princess."

Hearing that he hadn't left yet, Shen Panyan was no longer angry, but helpless, feeling powerless to do anything about him.

She waved her hand, "I understand."

Zhuzhi had noticed that the princess hadn't been eating or sleeping well these past few days.

One was insistent, and the other couldn't completely refuse; she felt a headache for both of them. "Princess," she said, "why don't you go out and see him?"

Shen Panyan was slightly taken aback, and looked up at her in surprise, "Zhuzhi, why did you persuade me to go out and see him?"

You see, the idea Zhuzhi had given her before was to say all sorts of harsh words to him and ignore him for at least a month. As long as she was ruthless enough, he would definitely give up.

Zhu Zhi: "I advised you to give up before, but look at you now, can you really be so heartless?"

Shen Panyan pursed her lips, lowered her eyelashes, and unconsciously tightened her fingertips.

She truly couldn't; she couldn't completely disregard his life.

However, she still didn't want to give in so easily. He was always the type to push his luck, and if she gave in, he would definitely take advantage of the situation and make even more demands.

Having spent so much time with him, she knew him very well.

She gritted her teeth. "Never mind him. He brought it on himself anyway. Maybe if this rain continues for another day, he won't be able to hold on any longer?"

If he couldn't hold on any longer, she would send him out of the manor and not give him another chance to get close to her.

Zhu Zhi could easily see the princess's wavering, so he shook his head and left.

Shen Panyan endured it for a whole day.

In the middle of the night, thunder and lightning roared outside the window again, and a torrential downpour washed over the entire courtyard. The rainwater gathered into streams that flowed through the ground and seeped into the mud. Even the blooming peonies were bent over by the weight of the rain and swayed in the wind and rain.

Lin Xiao was soaked to the bone.

The rain washed over his hair, making it stick tightly to his face and body. Because the rain was so heavy, it streamed down his cheeks, and he even had great difficulty opening his eyes.

His injuries hadn't fully healed to begin with, and now the old wounds were starting to flare up again. Coupled with the scorching sun of the past few days and the wind and rain of the last two days, he was starting to feel the strain.

A tickling sensation and a metallic taste rose in his throat, causing him to cough uncontrollably.

"Cough cough..."

A faint trace of blood seeped from the corner of her lips, but it was washed away by the rain the next moment.

The sound of the wind and rain was so loud that the rain blurred his vision, and he almost forgot the time. Only dampness and moisture accompanied him.

Suddenly, a pair of delicate embroidered shoes stopped in front of him. The girl held a lantern and an umbrella, the umbrella tilted slightly to shield him from the torrential rain. The raindrops fell on the tung oil umbrella, making a muffled sound.

He was only stunned for a moment before quickly raising his head, his eyes curving down to reveal a handsome smile to her, his voice weak and hoarse, "Your Highness, you have finally agreed to see me."

He won his bet.

Shen Panyan looked at him with a complicated expression. Seeing his face as pale as paper, his messy hair sticking haphazardly to his face, and how he was so disheveled yet still had the strength to smile at her, she felt powerless and helpless.

She opened her mouth and asked, "Lin Xiao, why are you unwilling to leave?"

This is something she has never been able to understand.

"Is it just because of how good I was to you back at the Royal Villa? I ask myself, I wasn't actually that good to you. I'm like that to everyone around me. You don't need to take it to heart."

Lin Xiao shook his head. "That's not how it is, Your Highness."

“For you, it may just be a small favor, but for me, it was everything.” His voice lowered slowly. “During my time at the Royal Villa, it was the first time I could appear openly, the first time I was cared for, the first time I was forgiven for my mistakes, the first time someone shared half a pie with me… There were so many firsts, and all of this was because of you.”

Just because he could appear, just because he cared, just because he was let off the hook for making a mistake, just because she shared half a pancake with him?

Shen Panyan felt it was ridiculous, so ridiculous that her eyes couldn't stop burning, and her throat tightened: "But I used you before too. You said I was kind, but I made you betray Father Emperor. Didn't you know that once Father Emperor found out about this, you would definitely die?"

"Lin Xiao, that was just a favor I did casually. You've misjudged me. I've never been kind, and I haven't been good to you either. Your persistence is in vain."