Chapter 105 P - Lament
The day Xing Yu parted ways with Chu Beiling at West Lake, he developed a high fever that very night and it lasted for a week before he finally recovered.
When he returned home the following weekend, Xing Xiaoshu informed him that he had sold the house in Zhanongkou and wanted him to move in with them.
Xing Yu felt a sense of irony.
In the past, when he couldn't help but sneak back, the person he least wanted to see was Xing Xiaoshu. Now that he has someone he cares about and misses, Xing Xiaoshu is afraid of them meeting.
They were willing to overcome all difficulties to let him move back, insisting on staying under their noses to feel at ease.
Xing Yu was naturally unwilling, but he was afraid that if he didn't go, Xing Xiaoshu would call Chu Beiling again to put pressure on him indirectly, so he moved into the house that neither belonged to him nor welcomed him.
After the provincial joint examination in mid-December, less than a month later, they ushered in their last winter vacation of high school.
Every year during the Spring Festival holiday, the Xing family villa is at its busiest, with relatives and business partners of Xing Xiaoshu visiting so often that they practically wear down the threshold.
There's also Xing Jiale, a little devil who comes over from time to time to provoke him, tell him to get out of his house, and destroy his things. But when he sees Xing Xiaoshu and Madam Xing, he pretends to be aggrieved.
The excitement didn't belong to him; the little devil Xing Jiale and Xing Yu wouldn't care either, focusing only on doing what they wanted to do.
He needs to grow stronger quickly, become more capable, and more responsible so that he can give Chu Beiling the courage and confidence to be unyielding and fearless.
Nothing else matters.
Xing Yu thought he would get through a troublesome and headache-inducing holiday without incident, but little devil Xing Jiale climbed up the water pipe from his second-floor room to his attic while he was getting water in the living room, and almost tore up Chu Beiling's precious picture book.
Xing Yu became a sensation.
He could tolerate Xing Jiale cutting the strings of his cello, and he could ignore him destroying his painting that he had submitted to a competition.
But it is absolutely unacceptable for Xing Jiale to destroy Chu Beiling's paintings, which have been in production for nearly three years.
Xing Yu doesn't like using violence, as it solves nothing. No matter how outrageous the other party is, he doesn't like it and won't use violence.
Besides, in this family, no one pays attention to anything he does, no one cares, and no one wants to hear his voice.
No matter what he did, he couldn't stop Xing Jiale's arrogant attitude; instead, he only got himself into trouble.
It's not worth it, and there's no need for it.
This time, however, Xing Yu slammed Xing Jiale against the wall, pressed his arm against his throat, and with a sinister look in his eyes, warned Xing Jiale in a low voice: "My room and my things are the boundaries. Cross them and you'll bear the consequences."
Enraged and unable to move, Xing Jiale retorted angrily, "You dare! I'll tell my parents to beat you up and kick you out, you beggar! Let me go, or you're dead!"
"Go ahead and sue me, it's fine. If you can't get rid of them, we can compare whether your limited edition sneakers, game consoles, and rare figurines turn into trash faster, or your parents are home more often."
Xing Yu said, "As long as you don't touch my things, we'll live in peace, understand?"
Xing Jiale was indignant, but there was nothing he could do. Xing Xiaoshu and Madam Xing weren't home that often, and if Xing Yu really intended to cause trouble, he wouldn't have time to stop him. His things were much more valuable than Xing Yu's pile of junk, so it was a huge loss for him.
Left with no other choice, he was forced to agree to this humiliating treaty.
Xing Yu released his grip, then grabbed Xing Jiale, who was rushing towards him, and threw him aside in an instant: "You can't beat me, don't waste your energy."
Seeing Xing Jiale looking like a victim, he sighed in frustration, feeling extremely annoyed and bored.
They made quite a commotion upstairs, and Xing Xiaoshu and his wife quickly arrived.
Xing Jiale burst into tears and cried loudly, saying that he didn't know why his brother always disliked him, and that his brother hit him, which scared him. This made Xing Xiaoshu and Madam Xing feel very distressed.
"You ill-mannered brat! How could I have given birth to such a heartless wretch like you? You don't even know how to give way to your younger brother. How can you be a proper older brother?"
Xing Xiaoshu rushed up and slapped Xing Yu twice with such force that his face was turned sharply to one side, leaving clear finger marks on his cheek.
Xing Yu slowly turned his face, pressed the tip of his tongue against the numb inside of his mouth, and tasted a hint of rust.
He didn't cover his face, but silently watched the loving father and mother of this family of three. There was no resentment, no anger, only desolation.
Xing Xiaoshu was furious and kicked him again: "You treat other people's brothers with your whole heart, but you treat your own brother like an enemy. You're neither fish nor fowl."
The two men pulled Xing Jiale away, and the family was harmonious and warm. However, Xing Jiale, who was crying her heart out, turned around and looked at him triumphantly in a moment when no one was paying attention. She was arrogant and full of provocation.
Xing Yu glanced at him indifferently, then looked down and sent a message to Xu Tunan: [Tutu, are you free? Come out for a bit.]
The floor eating an eraser: [Yeah, so what?]
Xing Yu: [Chu Beiling's art album is with me. Could you return it to him for me?]
"No problem, I'll tell him, we'll meet near the hospital." Xu Tunan didn't think things were that serious: "Really five years from now? Even if we meet secretly and aren't discovered, it's not a big deal, is it?!"
Xing Yu: [No, it's not appropriate now.]
Xu Tunan nodded: [Okay.]
The next second, the floor, which had been eating an eraser, replied: "Holy crap, Chu Fanfan blocked me."
Xing Yu was taken aback and realized that he was also blocked. Then, when the group checked their records, they found that they had all been blocked.
Not only them, but everyone at Xigao High School who had anything to do with him was deleted by him without exception, and he left the class group and their small group of five.
And just like that, they abandoned everyone.
Xing Yu rushed back to Zhalongkou with the picture album, but instead of using a key, he raised his hand and knocked on the door.
The resident on the fifth floor was a complete stranger. Seeing him, she asked in confusion, "Who are you... what's the matter?"
Xing Yu's Adam's apple bobbed. "Where is the family who used to live here?"
A resident on the fifth floor said, "I heard they went to Singapore."
"Thank you, I appreciate your help."
Xing Yu went back to the sixth floor. The apartment across the street was no longer his home. New residents had moved in. Zhalongkou no longer belonged to them. Their home was completely gone.
Xing Yu gritted his teeth to suppress the bitter and aggrieved feeling. He went to Grandma Chen's house, borrowed her phone, and called Chu Beiling.
After a few beeps, a mechanical announcement came through: "The number you dialed is not in service. Please check and dial again—"
Xing Yu's head was buzzing, the disconnected number kept ringing in his ears, making it hard for him to breathe. A sense of loss and despair he had never experienced before crept into his heart, and he almost lost his balance.
Grandma Chen quickly helped him up: "Xiao Yu, what happened?" Looking at the red mark on his cheek, she asked, "What happened to your face?"
Xing Yu braced himself against the wall and shook his head to indicate that he was alright.
After a pause, he asked the old lady, "Grandma Chen, did Fanfan say anything to you before he left?"
Grandma Chen shook her head helplessly and regretfully: "No, they hired a moving company to move them. I didn't run into them."
Things happened so fast that by the time she heard the news, everything was already in a mess, and she didn't even have time to say a word for her two children.
Xing Yu said, "I'm going home first."
Grandma Chen felt sorry for him when she saw him like this: "Xiao Yu, why don't you move back and live with Grandma Chen? We've saved a room for you."
Xing Yu shook his head: "No, Xing, my dad is worried. If I don't do it, Fanfan will be sad."
Although Grandma Chen didn't know what the two children had said, she knew Xing Xiaoshu and Chu Beiling quite well. She opened her mouth, but in the end, she couldn't bear to say it. If Fanfan knew that you were like this, he would be even more upset.
She was too short, only reaching Xing Yu's chest, so she could only settle for touching his arm: "If you can't stay with your father, come back anytime. Grandma Chen will always welcome you."
Xing Yu felt a lump in his throat and buried his face in Grandma Chen's soap-scented neck.
A very long time—
Since that day, Xing Yu has become increasingly silent, often lost in thought, and only responds slowly when called. Li Dong shook his head, feeling both heartache and helplessness.
Everyone tries their best to make him happy, and he does indeed become happy, just like before. A group of people bicker and argue back and forth, and he follows them around with a gentle smile. His words are just as sharp as before, and he might suddenly utter a sentence that is so cold it could freeze someone to death.
But it seems like nothing I do can actually put it into practice.
Xing Yu himself did not feel that he had changed at all.
He was exactly the same as before, neither warm nor cold towards teachers and classmates, and his life and study rhythm were completely normal—
It's just that I cherish time more, am more meticulous, and know better what I'm doing than before.
Occasionally, he would advise Li Dong and the others not to be so cautious, as they were worried that he would be upset and deliberately avoided mentioning Chu Beiling.
Xing Yu knew that even if they lost all contact and all means of communication, Chu Beiling would not break his promise.
So he won't either.
And so, they went through intensive training, art college entrance exams, returned to school in March to prepare for the college entrance exam, and then, on the eve of the exam, experienced a thousand-person shouting event where they sang "Boundless Oceans, Vast Skies" once again.
This time, however, they were no longer participants, but rather those who experienced it; it was they who walked the red carpet to bid farewell to their youth.
Aside from the absence of Chu Beiling, there seemed to be no regrets about the highlights given by the teachers.
On the day he received his admission notice from the Central Academy of Fine Arts, Xing Yu moved out of the Xing family villa and went to Beijing. Just like before, Xu Tunan, who entered the Xi'an High School's art class last, narrowly passed the entrance exam and was admitted to the animation program at the Central Academy of Fine Arts, just like Xing Yu.
Li Dong and Sheng Xia went to Nanjing University of the Arts.
They went their separate ways, one to the south and one to the north, and experienced a 'strange' yet sharp and free learning life at the art academy.
During this period, Xing Yu used his spare time to work on projects with Xu Tunan at the company, and he also transferred back the living expenses that Xing Xiaoshu and Jiang Yu had given him, along with interest.
In the summer of their junior year, there was still a year until their agreed-upon meeting.
Even though he knew the chances of meeting were slim, Xing Yu, who couldn't wait, still took some time to go to Singapore to try his luck.
Singapore is very small; he crossed it from south to north in less than three hours and spent a week there, visiting almost every place.
Unfortunately, I didn't meet Chu Beiling.
That same winter, during a basic course, Xu Tunan leaned over and asked, "It's your birthday the day after tomorrow. What are your plans? If you don't like crowds, I'll treat you to hot pot. You can't miss out on good food, so treat yourself! There's a new copper pot restaurant that just opened near the South Gate. I heard it's pretty good."
Xing Yu: "I have no classes this afternoon, so I'm going back to Hangzhou. I'll be back on Monday."
Xu Tunan asked uncertainly, "You went to Faxi Temple again?"
Xing Yu nodded slightly: "Mm."
“They do have some effect on praying for marriage there, but it’s not worth making a special trip there every year on your birthday. We’ll go home eventually, and we can make time to go there then,” Xu Tunan said. “If all else fails, it doesn’t have to be Faxi Temple. Yonghe Temple seems to be quite effective too.”
Xing Yu: "It's different."
Xu Tunan asked curiously, "What's different?"
Xing Yu didn't answer but said, "I'll treat you to hot pot when I get back, as a belated birthday celebration." After saying that, he picked up the bucket and palette and headed to the bathroom.
Xu Tunan muttered dejectedly, "What's the difference? You can pray for marriage anywhere, and there's no Chu Fanfan at Faxi Temple."
In a fit of pique, he threw the pen into the bucket of water and violently washed it: "He deleted all our contact information, and so much time has passed, how can he possibly come back?!"
Xing Yu recalled that year when Chu Beiling smiled and said to him, "Everyone says that praying for marriage at Faxi Temple is very effective. Let's go there this weekend."
That was the day they started to be hit by a series of unexpected events.
And that was it.
"Ayu, it's so cold. You're washing your palette, why don't you wash mine too?" Suddenly, a dirty palette was handed to him.
Xing Yu suddenly turned around.
It was Xiao Qijue. The moment Xing Yu saw him, the expectation in his eyes turned into endless desolation.
Xiao Jueqi laughed: "What's with your reaction when you see it's me?"
"It's nothing." Xing Yu snapped out of his thoughts and asked, "Are you having class next door?"
Xiao Juqi: "Yes."
Xing Yu: "Isn't the class next door today for freshmen?"
"Yes, I'm a freshman this year."
Xiao Qi retook the college entrance exam for two years. When Xing Yu and his classmates were juniors, he was admitted to the Central Academy of Fine Arts and became a freshman this year. His class was held in a different classroom, and he unexpectedly ran into an old acquaintance.
Xing Yu: "Congratulations on escaping the sea of suffering and successfully reaching the shore."
Xiao Qijue scratched his head and smiled: "You bet if I had to repeat my senior year of high school, I'd go crazy." He handed him the palette: "Why don't you wash it for me while you're at it?"
"Wash it yourself." Xing Yu opened the other person's color palette and bent down to wash his own.
It snowed heavily last night, and today it's -10 degrees Celsius in Beijing. The tap water froze Xing Yu's hands until they were red and stiff. His hands, which were holding the paintbrush and palette, were not very obedient and were not cooperating. They kept shaking. He clearly wanted to clean the blue from the crevices, but they kept slipping out and he couldn't reach them no matter what he did.
Xiao Jueqi was as talkative as ever, rambling on about all sorts of things. He turned his head and saw Xing Yu lost in thought, asking, "What are you thinking about?"
Xing Yu: "The water is too cold."
“Indeed.” Xiao Jueqi sighed, “Washing the palette every winter is the most painful time. I never thought that even after getting into the Academy of Fine Arts, I would still have to wash it every day. If only I had a machine. Hey, didn’t someone say that before?”
Xing Yu glanced at him and continued what he was doing.
Xiao Qi slapped the color palette: "I remember now, Prince Fanfan."
As soon as he finished speaking, he realized he had said the wrong thing. After three years of studying in the senior year of high school, his brain had completely gone mad. The things that happened at Xigao High School seemed like a thing of the past. Back then, his class and Class 13 were both art classes and were also sister classes.
There was no secret, and besides, this matter caused quite a stir. Chu Beiling dropped out of school and went to Singapore, cutting off all contact.
Almost everyone knows it.
Xiao Jueqi apologized sheepishly, "Sorry, friend."
Xing Yu shook his head: "It's nothing."
Knowing he was in the wrong, Xiao Qi stopped talking.
Xing Yu finally finished this grueling test of willpower. He put his paintbrush into the bucket, placed the palette on it, and began to wash his hands. The icy water made his hands turn red and burned, almost making him lose consciousness, yet there was a morbid pleasure in it.
Xiao Jueqi, who was standing nearby, was shocked when he saw this and quickly turned off the tap: "This water is so cold! If you keep washing like this, your hands will get frostbite. I remember you're not the one who cares about your hands the most. You don't need your hands anymore!!"
Xing Yu wiped the water droplets from his hands and said calmly, "You're mistaken. It's Chu Beiling who cares about the hand, not me."
"Crash—" Chu Beiling punched the bathroom mirror. He looked at his shattered reflection, then at his bleeding hand. His stomach churned, and he collapsed onto the sink, vomiting violently.
Just like when I came back from West Lake, I vomited uncontrollably and had stomach pain for three days straight.
At that time, Chu Beiling thought that their contact information was still there, and it was not that they would never meet again. As long as Xing Yu was safe and happy, and was still on this blue planet, no matter where they were, they would meet again one day.
Five years.
We can wait.
But to his surprise, at this moment, with less than a week left until the agreed time, he had no way to contact Xing Yu, nor anyone else from the past.
He couldn't find Xing Yu anywhere.
He couldn't even return to his home country and was once again trapped in Singapore.
Just then, someone knocked on his door. Uncle Zhao outside said, "Fanfan, are you alright?"
Chu Beiling composed herself, opened the door, and said, "Uncle Zhao, did you come here to persuade me to stay?"
"Your hand is injured, let's bandage it first," Zhao Chen said.
Chu Beiling took a tissue, wiped her face casually, and then threw the blood-stained tissue into the trash can: "Uncle Zhao, you should advise President Li to be less angry, it's not good for her health."
“We’ll talk about this later,” Zhao Chen glanced down at his hand. “Aren’t you the one who cares most about your hand? Come with me to the doctor to get it bandaged first.”
Chu Beiling dodged; "No need, anyway, I can't draw with these hands anymore, so it doesn't matter whether I care or not."
"You can't say that. Don't be stubborn. Go and get it done first," Zhao Chen said, then called the doctor over.
Chu Beiling discussed with him, "Uncle Zhao, I'll be back in a week, not too long. Can you help me out for now?"
Zhao Chen brought over a first-aid kit and gave him some basic first aid: "Your mother's health hasn't been stable for long, so let her stay here for now." He advised, "Five years have passed; you can't guarantee anything..."
Knowing what he was going to say, Chu Beiling interrupted him directly: "Xing Yu won't." He added: "You can't just keep dragging this out and making all sorts of excuses without admitting it."
"Fanfan, if your mother hadn't gotten so angry that she had another seizure and called the doctor, I wouldn't have come here specifically to advise you."
Zhao Chen continued, "Wait another year or two, until she's completely settled, okay? I can help you cover for her, but your mother is so dependent on you right now, wanting to see you every day. If she finds out, you know she'll only get angrier."
Chu Beiling took a deep breath: "What if I insist on going back?"
“Okay.” Zhao Chen looked up into his eyes. “Any decision is fine as long as you don’t regret it.”
"..." Chu Beiling smiled.
He can't go back. He just mentioned wanting to go back to China, and after a few words of argument, Li Shuying, whose condition was almost stable, was so angry that she vomited blood and called the doctor.
At that moment, Chu Beiling guessed that his persistence would most likely be just as futile as it had been back then.
At 21, he still couldn't ignore Li Shuying's emotions and risk worsening her condition.
Because that's his mother.
So he can't go back.
The sunset that afternoon was just like the day they parted by West Lake; the setting sun was like blood, staining the entire sky, as if it could devour everything.
Chu Beiling sat on the balcony, looking at the coastline not far away. He poured himself a glass of wine, drank all night, and stared blankly all night.
As the sun rose above the sea the next day, a few rays of sunlight peeked out from the distant horizon, and the sky took on a cool blue hue.
Forced to sever ties with the past, unable to paint anymore, the self-blame for abandoning Xing Yu once again, and the red wine—all these lingering effects came together.
Until December 7, 2022, the first year after Xiao Qiezi was born, Li Shuying's emotions and health were stable. Chu Beiling was packing up old things at home, planning to move out to make room for the family of three.
The rain in Singapore comes without warning, much like the rainy season in Hangzhou, where the humidity never evaporates and remains in the air.
It was humid, stuffy, and sticky.
I feel terribly uncomfortable.
Chu Beiling reached out and brushed the dust off the cardboard box, then opened it—
Large swaths of blue burned from the retina into the brain.
He stood there, stunned.
Chu Beiling never expected that the painting "Gazing," which was covered in titanium white and turned into a chaotic gray-blue color back then, would reappear years later with a striking image of Xing Yu.
This painting was the first version of "Gaze". Because he couldn't hide his thoughts, he made a mistake and almost ruined the painting. So he spent two days and two nights working on a new one to enter in the Picasso competition.
He then threw this painting, "Gazing," into the storage room.
When we moved from Zhalongkou to Singapore, the entire process was handled by a moving company; we never got involved.
Chu Beiling never expected that this painting would come into his view like this, let alone that the diamond blue that was once covered by titanium white would seep out.
Xing Yu has completely become the subject and center of this painting—
The original family of three has long since disappeared.
He leaned against the floor-to-ceiling window, looking at Xing Yu across from him.
Chu Beiling suddenly laughed, and as she laughed, tears began to fall.
He rarely cries, almost never cries, and has almost lost the ability to cry. Li Shuying doesn't allow him to cry, because crying won't solve anything.
So he didn't cry when he failed his exam and was sold to Doraemon, he didn't cry when he was suspected and criticized, he didn't cry when his relationship with Xing Yu was discovered and he was forced to give up on Xing Yu, he didn't cry when he sent a message to Xing Yu and found that he had been blocked, and he didn't cry when he could no longer draw.
Unable to return to China to confirm with Xing Yu whether he was truly angry and didn't want her anymore, Chu Beiling still didn't cry.
But at this moment, he couldn't help but cry, eight years after they separated.
Seeing the painting from back then, without warning, I couldn't control myself and burst into tears. Tears streamed down my face, and I cried until I started trembling. I cried with despair and misery, unable to control myself.
He should have realized long ago that pigments have extremely high lightfastness and stability, and can remain unfaded for hundreds of years.
Modern X-rays show that Van Gogh once covered his old works with cobalt blue, and the blue seeps back into the cobalt blue even a century later.
Back then, he tried to cover up Xing Yu's conspicuous image with titanium dioxide, but the more he tried to cover it up, the deeper it penetrated.
It almost ruined the painting.
Just like some people are the diamond blue under the canvas, you think that covering it with other paints will solve everything, but even the most powerful titanium white cannot compare to the more dazzling and unavoidable diamond blue under the canvas.
No matter how he tries to escape, refuses to admit it, tries to forget Xing Yu, and freezes himself in the air, he is only deceiving himself.
He can't escape it, he can't forget it, and he can't erase it completely.
Xing Yu had long since left a deep and lasting mark on his heart.
How could it possibly disappear!
That night, Chu Beiling dreamed again that he returned to the West Lake where the setting sun was like blood. He sat on a bench, trying to reach out to Xing Yu, but his hand fell to the ground.
He chased after him, but he couldn't catch up no matter what he did. He could only watch helplessly as Xing Yu walked further and further away, gradually fading from his life.
In the vast sea of people, he could no longer be found.
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