Chapter 104 P - Secular Life
After replying to the message, Chu Beiling put his phone back in his pocket, glanced at Li Shuying, who was fast asleep in the ward and had already shaved her head, and sat back down on the bench. The cold metal made him feel chilly all over, and he shivered.
Uncle Zhao then pushed the door open and came out.
He immediately jumped up from his chair: "How is my mother...?"
"She's asleep and her condition is relatively stable now," Uncle Zhao said. "She'll probably be staying in the hospital for a long time. I'm going back to your place to get some things. You can come with me, go home, take a shower, and get some sleep. You haven't had much rest these past few days."
Chu Beiling glanced into the ward.
Uncle Zhao looked over as well: "We've already called a caregiver; she'll watch over the medicine." He patted him on the shoulder: "Let's go."
Chu Beiling nodded, glanced at him again with unease, and then followed Zhao Chen.
Only after the car left the congested, overcrowded hospital and merged into the main road could people finally catch their breath.
Hospitals, filled with the smells of medicine and disinfectant, accompanied by quiet sobs and silent prayers to various deities outside the ICU and emergency rooms, and the ever-present sirens, create an invisible yet helpless sense of despair.
Not only them, but everyone here is on edge every day, fearing that bad news might suddenly come.
This constant anxiety creates a dark cloud hanging over everyone's head, one that just won't dissipate.
It was oppressive and suffocating.
Chu Beiling rolled down the car window, letting the cold wind blow in.
Uncle Zhao rolled up the car window and glanced at him, saying, "Your mother is quite vulnerable right now. A cold or an injury could be fatal for her. If we catch a cold without realizing it, it would be bad if we infected her."
Chu Beiling's Adam's apple bobbed, and he let out a sigh without moving again.
“Fanfan, there are some things I shouldn’t say, but your mother is like this now…” After a while, Zhao Chen finally spoke: “Fanfan can’t take the shock anymore.”
Chu Beiling lowered his eyes, his tongue felt dry and numb, and a suffocating feeling traveled from his throat to his chest. He kept patting his chest with his palm, feeling so uncomfortable that he wanted to find a place to hide and not listen or see anything.
Or perhaps it would be great if people could just turn off all their senses like machines;
If you know nothing, you won't experience pain and inner turmoil.
At noon, the blazing sun shone straight into the car through the windshield, making one's scalp tingle. Zhao Chen flipped down the sun visor and asked softly, "Fanfan, can you tell me what you're thinking?"
Chu Beiling shook his head and remained silent.
Zhao Chen: "I don't know, or do you still insist on being with Xiao Yu?"
"Uncle Zhao, please don't ask anymore. I don't want to answer this question." Chu Beiling lowered her head further and further, her tone pleading.
Really—don't ask anymore.
Zhao Chen sighed and said, "Your mother and I both went through our teenage years when we were seventeen or eighteen. We've experienced, seen, and gone crazy more than you can imagine, and it's been even more outrageous. We're not old-fashioned or trying to go against you. For the LGBT minority, dating boys is nothing unusual."
That's why they see and think more than young people in their prime: "Fanfan, your life has just begun. The next few decades will be both short and long. What you persist in and think about now may be very different in a few years. Of course, maybe you won't, but can you guarantee that Xiaoyu won't?"
Chu Beiling immediately retorted, "He wouldn't."
Zhao Chen nodded: "Okay, let's just pretend he doesn't know how."
“He won’t,” Chu Beiling corrected.
Zhao Chen suddenly chuckled, "When I was seventeen, I liked my first love and thought I would like her for the rest of my life."
He suppressed his smile and said seriously, "When you're in a romantic relationship, love is the most important thing. But when you're together, no matter how romantic it is, you have to go back to the mundane realities of daily life. Once you go back to the mundane realities of daily life, even the smallest things can cause a huge uproar. In the endless arguments, the love is gradually worn away, and eventually you end up hating each other."
Indeed, in the face of the long years and the unpredictable future, the strength of young people is too weak.
Chu Beiling had no way to refute it, because no matter what he said, he would be labeled as childish and immature, and no one knew his thoughts and his unwavering determination.
Just take it as him being willful and silly.
I found his insistence even more ridiculous.
Besides, Xing Yu, whom he likes, is a boy.
Chu Beiling knew all of this.
But adults, weathered by life's storms, have no idea that the unappreciated love of youth is like a blazing summer blooming in the dead of winter, passionate and dazzling.
It's like dancing on a rose stem, where with each step, a thorn pierces the flesh; knowing the pain, yet still resolutely refusing to let go.
Adults who have been numbed by greed will perfectly avoid thorny stems and weigh the pros and cons with the most worldly perspective and words.
They only know that youthful passion leads to a dead end, but they don't know that youthful passion is a blazing and scalding wind that turns the desolate wilderness green, a grand yet insignificant awareness and fearlessness, a passionate love that can even triumph over gods and demons.
Young people's love may be naive, but it is absolutely sincere.
They themselves were once teenagers, yet they've completely forgotten.
“Uncle Zhao, maybe you’re right,” Chu Beiling said, “but that’s you, not me and Xing Yu.”
He turned to look at Zhao Chen: "Isn't it too one-sided and narrow-minded to define things based on your own experience and assume that everyone is like that?"
Zhao Chen didn't think there was anything wrong with thinking or saying this, nor did he think there was anything wrong with Chu Beiling thinking or responding this way.
Some immature ideas, for a brave and fearless teenager who thinks he is invincible and that the whole world belongs to him, will just go in one ear and out the other no matter how hard he tries to persuade him.
It had absolutely no effect.
Time will tell them the answer.
However, Li Shuying is currently seriously ill and at risk of dying. They don't have time to wait for Chu Beiling to figure things out and get an answer—his current thoughts will change many years later.
It's simply not worth it for someone with a very high probability of drifting apart.
"Fanfan, are you really going to keep arguing with your mother for Xiaoyu's sake, and watch her suffer and be rushed to the emergency room again and again?!"
Although Zhao Chen's words were harsh, they were all true: "If your mother really gets into trouble because of this, even if you insist now, this matter will be a thorn in your side. Of course, it won't matter now, but in two or three years, or even longer, whenever you have any unpleasantness between you, you will blame Xiao Yu. This thorn will pierce you and make you bleed profusely, causing you to collapse instantly."
Chu Beiling knew, he knew everything.
How could I not know?
Besides worrying about Li Shuying and being afraid of losing her, I couldn't stick to what I initially thought I should do. If she disagreed, I even considered drawing a line between us.
Why isn't there that reason?
But, but—
Xing Yu.
His brother, Ayu, was never seriously chosen; he was always the first one to be abandoned.
The bitterness rose from the root of his tongue to the tip, then surged down his throat, reaching his heart, and then spread through his blood and nerve endings to every part of his body, causing him unbearable pain.
Chu Beiling slowly closed his eyes, hugged his knees with both hands, and curled up into an ostrich burying its face in the sand.
He didn't want to face this difficult and troublesome problem.
Seeing Chu Beiling like this, Zhao Chen felt a little sorry for her. He sighed and finished speaking: "Fanfan, wait until you are a little older, wait until your mother is fully recovered, and if you are sure that your feelings have not changed by then, then go to find Xiaoyu and walk towards Xiaoyu, okay?"
Chu Beiling shook her head, silently refusing.
"Trust Uncle Zhao, it's better for both of you," Zhao Chen said.
For the next few days, Chu Beiling didn't even go into Li Shuying's ward. He just stayed at the door and would tell Uncle Zhao if anything happened. If he wasn't there, he would ask the caregiver. He never left her side.
Li Shuying will not give up her ideas, nor does she want to see him unless he does as she wishes.
Everything else can be withdrawn, but Xing Yu's matter cannot be chosen. Chu Beiling neither wants to nor intends to follow Li Shuying's wishes.
Neither of them could convince the other, and they would definitely argue if they met, so they simply stopped seeing each other for the time being.
To prevent Li Shuying from being taken to the emergency room again.
Chu Beiling silently watched every move in the ward. The vibration of his phone in his hand pulled him back to reality. He looked down at it.
Xing Yu sent him a message: [We received a lot of test papers this week, a whole stack of them. I'll bring them to you after school this afternoon, you can take your time to work on them.]
"Xing Yu, you're utterly heartless! You actually thought of bringing me exam papers?!" Chu Beiling cursed.
Xing Yu: [We've already written it all down, and you still want to run away.]
Chu Beiling: [Beating up a pig's head/.jpg]
Xing Yu: [Rebound/.jpg]
Cut~~childish.
Chu Beiling couldn't help but smile. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Li Shuying vomiting violently by the bedside due to drug rejection. He suppressed his smile, turned around abruptly, and opened the ward door.
He had just taken a step toward Li Shuying when she interrupted him, saying, "If you want Xing Yu, then don't worry about whether I live or die. I don't need your help."
Chu Beiling retreated outside the ward.
After calming his wildly fluctuating emotions and making sure he was in control and wouldn't give away any clues, he replied: "Remember to bring back my toolbox and sketchbook. I don't feel safe without my girlfriends."
Xing Yu: [Withdraw and start over.]
Chu Beiling took a deep breath and quickly typed: [My dear wife, remember to bring back my toolbox and sketchbook. I don't feel safe without them.]
"..." Xing Yu: [Looking for a beating?]
Thinking of Xing Yu staring at him with a nonchalant, cold face on the other side of the screen, replying to him half-heartedly without any reaction, Chu Beiling couldn't help but feel annoyed and had to tickle him again to force him to react in some other way.
Only after these two words are finished.
Just as he was about to reply, an unknown number called, and for some reason, Chu Beiling's heart suddenly skipped a beat.
He usually doesn't answer calls from unknown numbers. Recently, Li Shuying was hospitalized, and although Uncle Zhao was helping out, there were still many things he needed to handle, and he had to contact many people.
Afraid of missing something important, Chu Beiling immediately answered the phone and headed towards the fire escape in the ward.
"Is this Fanfan?" A deep and resonant middle-aged male voice came from behind.
Chu Beiling was taken aback, then asked, "Yes, that's me. And who are you?"
“Xing Xiaoshu, Xing Yu’s father,” the other party said.
Chu Beiling frowned, his anger rising before his confusion. He suppressed his anger and said, "Uncle Xing, I have a bad temper, and we don't have much to say to each other. If we continue, I'm afraid I'll lose my temper and yell at you. It's not good to see you like this for the first time. So, goodbye."
Xing Xiaoshu never expected the young man opposite him to react this way. As someone who had seen a lot in his life, he only paused for a second before quickly saying, "Wait, don't hang up yet."
Chu Beiling said with a cold face, "Speak quickly if you have something to say, I'm very busy."
If this person were Xing Yu, he would have slapped him long ago for daring to speak to him in that tone.
Even if someone else's son is terrible, Xing Xiaoshu still has the dignity and patience that comes with it.
He softened his tone and said, "Fanfan, it's not a big deal that I'm looking for you. Xiaoyu has blocked both me and his mother, so we can't reach him. If you're with him, please help your uncle persuade him not to be so willful."
Chu Beiling remained noncommittal.
“Xiao Yu doesn’t even want my and his mother’s living expenses and tuition fees anymore. The entrance exam training and the tuition for the art academy are so high,” Xing Xiaoshu said with great distress. “Where do you think a student like him is going to get so much money? Even if he doesn’t take the art academy entrance exam, he still can’t support himself. Don’t you think so?”
"Splash—"
A bucket of ice was poured over his head, and as his senses dropped to freezing point, Chu Beiling experienced a moment of tinnitus.
He watched helplessly as the castle he had pretended to build with ease over the past few days crumbled into nothingness, leaving not even a shard. There was nothing he could do.
Xing Xiaoshu on the other end heard a pause in breathing and knew he had made the right call.
He continued to reason with him and appeal to his emotions, expressing his concerns: "It's not that I disagree with you two being together, but after I told him a couple of things that he should be focusing on his studies, he got angry. If you can contact him, could you talk to him and help your uncle persuade Xiaoyu to call me back? Is that alright?"
Chu Beiling was such a sensitive and observant person, how could he not understand the meaning behind Xing Xiaoshu's words?
In that instant, overwhelming despair surged towards him, binding him like vines and dragging him into a bottomless swamp from which he could not escape.
And he could only watch helplessly as he was devoured.
There's still nothing we can do.
Li Shuying is right. There's nothing he can do. Tuition and living expenses alone are enough to make them unable to straighten their backs.
Chu Beiling twitched the corner of his mouth. He still arrogantly thought that adults who had been through the trials of life were numb and worldly, and that if it weren't for these worldly things, they would be nothing.
He and Xing Yu had to give up the present, their future, their ideals, and even ignore family ties and the feelings of others in order to barely maintain their bond.
No one agreed with or approved of their actions.
Even if I do a lot, even if I keep trying my best, even if I run desperately, I still can't do anything.
They are so insignificant.
So insignificant that their voices of resistance are faint, so insignificant that those who unite must pay a heavy price, a price they cannot bear.
Chu Beiling leaned on the stair railing and sat down wearily. "Uncle Xing, you will get what you want, but not for you."
He pressed his temples hard with both hands, took a breath and slowly said, "Actually, you can just tell me directly, you don't have to beat around the bush like this."
Xing Xiaoshu couldn't find the words to respond for a moment. After a moment of stunned silence, he heard the boy on the other end of the phone say something.
“I thought you knew nothing and didn’t care. But actually you know everything. You just want to do what you want. You don’t care about other things and you’re too lazy to care because they’re not important to you. The process is even less important. As long as the goal is achieved, that’s enough.”
Being bluntly confronted, Xing Xiaoshu was extremely embarrassed.
He coughed lightly, suppressing his rising anger, and said in a low voice, "Although you think what I did was a bit wrong, you are still young and your values are not mature yet. At least what I did was not to harm you."
Despite being on the verge of collapse, Chu Beiling calmed down and smiled, "I believe you."
After a half-second pause, he continued, "Uncle Xing, you care so much about Xing Yu's studies and worry about him not having enough tuition and living expenses, so you should be responsible for him to the end, right?"
Xing Xiaoshu was speechless again. He was very disgusted by the fact that the boy, who was about the same age as his son, spoke with barbs and had no respect for his elders. "What are you saying? Xiao Yu just doesn't live with us. He has all the shares and trust funds he should have."
He was so angry that he couldn't help but lecture you: "Don't always think that we adults are harming you. You give us attitude for the slightest thing. We don't owe you anything. When you enjoy the convenience and superior life we provide, you should take it for granted. When adults use their experience to avoid risks for you, you think we are unreasonable and insist on going against us and demanding that we agree with you. How can you be so unreasonable?"
Chu Beiling nodded: "Uncle Xing, you're right. We were too naive and couldn't see the reality and the future clearly."
He patted his chest, remained silent for a moment, and said to Xing Xiaoshu, "Then please, Uncle Xing, who has seen all this clearly, keep your word and give Xing Yu the support he deserves, as well as a bright and promising future."
Chu Beiling was too exhausted and didn't want to say anything more, so he hung up directly.
Chu Beiling curled up in the corner for a long time to recover before calling Xing Yu. The call was answered quickly, and he asked, "School's out, where are you now?"
Hearing his tired and hoarse voice, Xing Yu felt a little uneasy and tentatively asked, "How is Aunt Li?"
In the brief silence, the mechanical announcement of subway line 1 came from the other end of the receiver.
Chu Beiling asked, "Are you almost at the hospital?"
Xing Yu: "Mm."
Chu Beiling said, "I'll wait for you at the hospital entrance."
After hanging up, Li Dong asked, "What's wrong?"
Xing Yu hesitated for a moment, then shook his head: "It's okay, they said they'd wait for us at the hospital."
When the subway arrived at Longxiangqiao Station, they got off the train along with the crowd heading to West Lake Scenic Area and went against the flow of people to the hospital.
Chu Beiling was indeed waiting at the door. Xing Yu's heart tightened the moment he saw him. It had only been a week since he last saw him, but he had lost a lot of weight. The soft, baby-fat facial features were now clearly defined, and he looked much more haggard.
He couldn't imagine what Chu Beiling had gone through these past few days. Even in his condition, she still had the mind to care about him and comfort him.
Xing Yu couldn't quite describe his feelings. It was a mix of sourness, astringency, sweetness, and inexplicable anger, like fermented lees that were about to start fermenting. He didn't know what it tasted like, but then it suddenly boiled over, bubbling and gurgling. He felt guilty and couldn't say a word.
Xing Yu only whispered "Fanfan".
Chu Beiling glanced at him and then said to Li Dong, "Take them up."
He registered for a ward and sent a message to Zhao Chen, telling him that his friends were coming to visit Li Shuying and asking him to meet them at the ward entrance.
Then, amidst the puzzled looks of her friends, she pulled Xing Yu along Youdian Road towards West Lake.
The two sat down on an empty bench by West Lake. Chu Beiling cut to the chase: "Xing Yu, are you planning to give up on going to the Academy of Fine Arts, or are you planning to sell your precious cello?"
Xing Yu was taken aback, not expecting that Chu Beiling had pulled him aside to talk about this. He didn't answer the question, but instead asked, "When you told Aunt Li before that you could handle things yourself, what were you planning to do?"
Chu Beiling said, "It seems you're planning to give up on going to the art academy. Answer me first, what do you plan to do if you give up going to the art academy?"
Xing Yu pursed his lips: "I'll most likely become an art teacher."
As the sun gradually sets, the surface of West Lake unfolds like a golden silk ribbon, its surface shimmering with a golden, orange glow.
Chu Beiling smiled as she stared at the pair of mandarin ducks playing in the water before her: "Xing Yu, let's not meet for the time being after today. Let's wait until Ms. Li recovers and we both become more responsible. If our feelings haven't changed by then, then let's meet again."
Xing Yu asked, "Why?"
He could accept, even willingly accept, that Chu Beiling would give up on him for Li Shuying, but he couldn't accept it for this reason: "Chu Beiling, if the same thing happened to you, you could do it without hesitation, but if it happened to me, you can't stand it and you want to give me up because of this, is that right?"
Chu Beiling looked at Xing Yu: "Yes, I can't accept it."
He now regrets his previous stubbornness. If he hadn't been so obstinate back then, at least the reason for not meeting him would have been different, leaving his rebuttal without any basis.
Faced with Xing Yu's sharp and intense gaze, Chu Beiling looked away.
Xing Yu swallowed hard and tried to reason with him: "Fanfan, give way a little. For you, not learning to paint or going to art school may be insignificant, and it is for me too."
He said, "Just like you, you are more important to me than anything else."
As the setting sun slowly sank below the horizon in the distance, the sky gradually darkened, and the blood-red afterglow stained the horizon like a gaping maw that seemed capable of swallowing everything.
"Xing Yu, if being together means constantly giving up and losing, what's the point? What's the need?" Chu Beiling glanced at Xing Yu's angry gaze, feeling as if his heart had been stabbed. He unconsciously gripped the hem of his clothes with both hands.
The sharp pain wasn't so bad, but the dull pain was excruciating. His suppressed anger felt like a dull knife cutting into his heart, leaving it uncut and tearing at it.
Chu Beiling forced a smile, gritted her teeth, and forced herself to finish her sentence: "Besides, given Ms. Li's situation, I really can't go against her wishes."
"Okay." Xing Yu nodded seriously, "How long will it take?"
Chu Beiling looked up in confusion, staring at him in bewilderment: "What?"
Xing Yu's expression was stern: "As you requested, how long will it take for Aunt Li to recover and for us to become more responsible? I need a specific timeframe."
Chu Beiling thought for a moment and said, "Five years."
Five years later, Xing Yu should have already completed his university studies and was ready to realize and fulfill his ideals.
Xing Yu nodded slightly, took out his phone from his pocket, and pointed the screen at him: "Today is November 22, 2014. I'll wait for you until November 22, five years from now."
“If you don’t show up that day, then after that day,” he looked at Chu Beiling’s amber eyes, which were filled with tears, and said fiercely, “if you ever appear in front of me again, I won’t want you anymore.”
Chu Beiling swallowed hard, his throat dry. "Okay."
Xing Yu stopped looking at him, turned around and left without looking back, but was stopped by him.
Chu Beiling clung to his shoulders and kissed him, but Xing Yu turned his face away and dodged.
He was taken aback, then awkwardly let go of Xing Yu and distanced himself from him.
After a while, Chu Beiling said, "Thank you, I'm sorry, I love you."
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