"It's all my fault! It's all my fault! If I had listened to Jia Jia and not gotten up that night, Jia Jia wouldn't have died!" The young man broke free from the dark corridor of memories, howling in pain.
"Brother Xiaojie...don't cry...wuwu..."
Xiaojie pulled Sangsang into his arms and hugged her tightly, repeating "Jia Jia, I'm sorry" over and over again.
Ningxia frowned and rescued Sangsang from Xiaojie. "Do you always call Sangsang Jiajia like this? Jiajia is your sister, but Sangsang is not! Have you ever considered her feelings?
She...she is different from ordinary people! Have you ever thought about whether Sangsang can bear these emotions of yours?"
Xiao Jie seemed to have been hit by a club. His already pale face now looked almost translucent, as if it would break with a poke.
He kept murmuring, "Jia Jia, I'm sorry... Sister Xia... Sang Sang... They were right, I'm the disaster... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."
Seeing that Xiaojie was in a bad mood, Ningxia quickly hugged his head and forced him to look up. "Liu Wenjie, wake up! This is not your fault! The person who hurt your sister is the culprit! You were only thirteen years old at the time, and you risked your life to protect your sister. You did nothing wrong!"
"Lin Yi, go make a cup of honey water!"
Lin Yi got up and ran to the kitchen.
After drinking a large cup of boiling hot honey water, Xiao Jie finally came to his senses. Ningxia looked at the wound on his back and saw that it was not torn, so she sat back in her original position.
For a moment the room was eerily quiet.
"Why didn't you go look for your father later? You knew exactly where he was." Ningxia said.
"He...originally hated me..." Xiao Jie smiled bitterly, looking even more tattered than Sangsang's doll, as if it would break in the next second.
Taking a deep breath, Xiaojie continued, "I was seven years old that year. My mom was about to give birth to my sister, and my dad was in the military camp and couldn't make it home. He called me and told me over and over again to take good care of her...
Later, my mother fell down in the house and was in so much pain that she couldn't even scream. I played with my friends outside for a long time before returning home...
When she was taken to the hospital, her mother was almost dying... Not long after Jiajia was born, her mother..." Xiaojie will never forget the terrifying look his father gave him when he rushed back from the camp, his eyes full of hatred.
From then on, Xiaojie rarely went to his father's side. His father also retired from the army and returned home to focus on raising his sister, intentionally or unintentionally ignoring Xiaojie.
The father and son became more and more estranged, relying only on the young Jia Jia to maintain the last bit of family affection.
He had no worries about food and clothing, but no one cared about him. The neighbors' gossip constantly reached his ears, making him even more afraid to be alone with his father.
How many times in the middle of the night had he been awakened by his father's hateful eyes? But he no longer had a mother to gently hold him, comfort him, and tell him not to be afraid...
The young boy could only hug himself silently, huddled at the foot of the bed, not daring to let out even a cry. Seven-year-old Xiaojie had since become sensitive and fragile, like a weed, withdrawn and stubborn, stumbling into adulthood.
"I killed my mother... I also killed Jiajia..."
Does Xiaojie hate his father? Of course he does. Every time he sees him being so kind to his sister, and then turns around and looks at him with disgust in his eyes, how can he not hate him? For a while, he even started to hate Jiajia.
But Jia Jia is such a small person, she is never afraid of his cold face, and follows him around all day long, calling him brother.
Jia Jia is very obedient, the most obedient child he has ever met. He rarely hears her cry since she was a child.
She became even more well-behaved when she grew up. When she smiled, she didn't even show a single tooth. She always stayed quietly beside him and couldn't be driven away. He always treated her coldly, but Jia Jia just smiled sweetly.
Jia Jia was a little shining flower in his dark childhood, and he was afraid that his darkness would dispel her light.
He paid careful attention to her and everything about his sister. How could he bear to hate such a well-behaved and lovely sister?
After Jia Jia left, he hadn't gotten a full night's sleep for a long time. The shadow left by his mother's death in childhood, which had finally faded a little, followed him back again, like a shadow.
But he was more afraid of returning to his father, because his father would once again show the same hateful look he had in his eyes.
The squad leader and the others just thought that he was like this because his family had suffered a misfortune and all his family members had died. Seeing that he was resisting, they did not ask any more questions. They each gave a small allowance and supported him for almost four years.
Everyone in the camp was very kind to him. The uncles and brothers would pat his head and generously put delicious food from the cafeteria into his bowl that he had not eaten for a long time.
He woke up from a nightmare at night, and the favoritism of several people gave him the courage to push Uncle Liao awake. Uncle Liao said he was annoying, but he would still pull him into his smelly quilt.
He had the sweetest night since he was seven years old.
When Uncle Liao occasionally went out on duty alone, the squad leader would let him sleep in his bed. Only when he could sleep through a full night independently was he given a separate bed.
They rescued him, taught him attentively, and taught him all the skills they knew. If they didn't understand the knowledge in the books, they would use their allowance to buy cigarettes and alcohol at high prices and go to other uncles in the camp who knew the knowledge to teach him.
Knowing that he had good grades and had finished all the math league questions in just two years, they would laugh out loud, hug him and call him a good boy, and show off to everyone they met.
Several uncles would measure his height several times a year, but they always felt that he was too fair and could not grow tall.
They would take him with them when they went out to patrol the mountains, saying that they were worried about him being alone in the camp. They would joke with him and tell him not to stay in the house alone, as he would be scared and cry again.
They are his 'father' and also his 'mother'.
He was thinking, so this is what "father" feels like... The feeling of that father on the grassland seemed to be fading as life got better and better...
He began to deliberately avoid all news about the Goshawk Caravan. Fortunately, the caravan was developing in Xuanwu Province, and he lived in the camp all year round, so he would not know anything if he did not pay attention.
He lived in this way deceiving himself, not facing everything he should have faced.
He thought that once he turned eighteen and joined the army, he could start saving for his allowance.
He wanted to save it all. Uncle Liao spent money without any scruples. It must be very difficult for him to retire from the army. He wanted to use his allowance to support Uncle Liao and take him out to a restaurant from time to time. Uncle Liao would definitely be very happy.
The squad leader likes to smoke, but the camp doesn't allow it, and he can't bear to spend a lot of money to buy cigarettes. When he has money, he will buy a few packs of cigarettes with mild smell for the squad leader to smoke secretly. There are also Brother Mu and Uncle Chen...
He deliberately suppressed Jiajia's death, as if it had never happened. His sweet and quiet sister was still living happily on the grassland with her loving father. He always lied to himself like this.
Xiaojie covered his chest, trying to suppress the heart-wrenching feeling of suffocation coming from his chest.
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