Chapter 118 A Life Worse Than Death
Tick-tock,
Tick-tock.
The night was eerily quiet, a silence that was almost unbearable.
The sounds of insults and beatings on television were accompanied by the heart-wrenching cries of men.
He locked himself in this bedroom, forcing his eyes to watch those videos over and over again, and to read the words on his palm.
Every "love" and every phrase "sinking into the capital" that the girl wrote in the book was enough for him to kill himself a thousand times over.
One slash after another, one punch after another.
But he could not kill himself, for how could a sinner die so easily?
That's worse than death.
Day and night alternate, countless days and nights.
Finally, one night, the door was kicked open.
The light from the corridor shone in, and the bloodshot eyes peered out little by little in the dim light, but Shen Jinchuan stood frozen at the doorway.
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief, then looked again, and his heart skipped a beat.
"elder brother."
His brother, his brother actually...
He approached slowly with heavy footsteps, squatted down, and looked at the head of white hair in the moonlight.
A gaunt face, pale hair, a body supported only by bones, collapsed on the cold, icy floor, bloodshot eyes that seemed devoid of soul.
Shen Jingsi lay there, silent, so unfamiliar that Shen Jinchuan dared not recognize him.
This is no longer his older brother.
Looking at the large pool of blood on the floor, Shen Jinchuan's body trembled!
"Brother, how could you..."
He couldn't bring himself to say those two words; he could only press his wrist, which was gushing blood, tightly.
But he couldn't suppress what was on his body or in his heart.
The truth is, the older brother he had been calling for over twenty years was already dead.
"Brother, don't do anything foolish."
His answer was silence.
Shen Jinchuan choked up, "I know you feel guilty after my sister left, and you want to die with her, but if you just leave like this, what will happen to Xiao Zhenzhu? If my sister knew that you abandoned your child and selfishly followed her, she would never forgive you."
Those eyes, more lifeless than the night, slowly opened, unfocused and devoid of spirit. The voice, hoarse from countless days and nights of weeping, was reduced to mere breaths.
He said, "I did not commit suicide."
Staring blankly at the ceiling, no more tears could fall. "I just want to know how much pain she was in."
But he regretted it, because it really hurt.
The pain was so intense that he could no longer lift that hand and could no longer stand up.
He was in so much pain that he missed her terribly, longed for her to hug him, and wanted her to whisper in his ear, "Lu Zhenyu is here, it's okay, cry."
But he never had another chance.
No, it's that they're not qualified.
He doesn't even have the right to kill himself to go find her.
"Waiter."
"Brother, you tell me."
Shen Jingsi said, "Could you... kill me?"
Shen Jinchuan's hand, which was pressing on that wrist, suddenly trembled.
Before he could speak, he added, "I know I have no right to commit suicide. It's not them who deserve to live a life worse than death, it's me."
Shen Jinchuan silently shed tears.
"Waiter, she said she loves me. She said she has loved me for more than ten years."
Tears streamed down his bloodshot face, and the man laughed through his tears. "I knew it," he said, "this little fool always sleeps so soundly. I kissed her forehead, her nose, her lips, hoping she would open her eyes and see me, but she never did. Turns out, I'm the one who's blind."
"How could I not see that she loves me?"
She rushed to the rooftop and shouted to everyone that she had been raped by Zheng Yaozong; she secretly worked part-time to save money to go abroad to see him; she carried ice with her to cool him down; she allowed him to live with her in Jinyun Bay; she did so much, but he only believed one thing from beginning to end—
“Shen Jingsi, I don’t need your love. And please remember, I don’t love you, and I certainly don’t love a powerless, good-for-nothing cripple.”
“They say she’s a cursed star.” Shen Jingsi closed his eyes. “Actually, I’m the one who hurt her. I was the one who thought I was being affectionate and kept rubbing my wounds in.
"She said she couldn't help but love me, Lu Zhenyu loves me."
Shen Jingsi repeated these words over and over, tears welling up in his dry eyes once again.
Crying like a child, homeless, knowing their mistakes but having no chance to correct them, a child who will never find their mother.
Shen Jinchuan didn't know what to say. Even Director Shen, who was a formidable debater on the international political stage, was defeated by the overwhelming and tender emotions of love.
“Brother, if Sister Zhenyu were here, she wouldn’t want to see you like this.”
Shen Jingsi shook his head. "She won't want to see me anymore."
Because he disappointed her, he no longer deserves to look into the pure and warm eyes of that dirty girl.
"Brother, you have a fever. Can we go to the hospital first? Little Pearl can breathe on her own now. The experts say that if she can survive another three months, her chances of survival will increase by another thirty percent."
Shen Jingsi slowly opened his eyes; excessive blood loss had made his face as white as paper in the darkness.
He stared blankly for a while before finally getting up.
Little pearl,
Zhenzhen,
Yes, he still has their children, how could he die?
That was the child she had been waiting for for so long. If he couldn't even take good care of his daughter, he had no right to see her.
"I'll go, I'll go see her."
He was too weak to get up due to excessive blood loss, so Shen Jinchuan quickly went to help him.
But looking at the wounds all over his body, the blades etched into his flesh, he didn't even know where to put his hands.
Who would have thought that the renowned Shen Jingsi would harm himself?
He tormented Zheng Yaozong, ravaged Duan Xier, destroyed the Zheng family, and wiped out the Duan family completely. He avenged his Zhenzhen, but who will avenge the grudges he inflicted on himself?
He doesn't need anyone else; he can do it all by himself.
With Shen Jinchuan's help, Shen Jingsi got up. Blood gushed from the knife wound dripped onto the floor from his thin, bony fingers.
"Brother, let me carry you on my back."
Shen Jingsi pushed Shen Jinchuan's hand away, "I can walk by myself."
"You've lost too much blood, I'm afraid you won't make it."
But his gaze was firm: "She endured five years of torment and managed to survive, so why can't I?"
Besides, this has only been a month.
Shen Jinchuan froze, thinking of what Feng Manman had said many days ago.
Looking closer, the deep red shirt clung to his thin, bony back. Standing in the light, his full head of white hair was even more striking. With hands that had long since stopped bleeding, he leaned against the wall, slowly and unsteadily moving forward.
His body was still alive, but his soul had already died, perishing along with his wife who was engulfed in flames.
Shen Jingsi reached the stairs, but froze when his gaze fell on the vase on the coffee table in the living room.
"Shen Jingsi, don't you think camellias are beautiful?"
"What's so attractive about being all white? I prefer looking at you."
"Be serious, I mean it, it's really good-looking."
"If you like them, we'll plant them. Once these two trees are successful in the experiment, we'll plant them all in the forest behind it, so you can see them to your heart's content every day."
"Do you know why I like camellias?"
"Because...her flower language is unwavering elegance."
Yes, but not entirely.
What is that?
What it was, the girl from that year didn't tell him.
But now, at this very moment, looking at the flower that had broken off from its root and lay on the coffee table, he knew.
So that's how it is.
It was their willingness to throw themselves into the flames, carrying with them their past memories.
Breathing becomes difficult, the brain becomes numb and stiff, accompanied by a rush of blood to the heart, which is pounding violently.
The next second, Shen Jingsi clutched his chest and spat out a mouthful of blood.
"elder brother!"
Shen Jinchuan behind him was shocked!
The man closed his eyes and fell forward, rolling down the stairs and losing consciousness completely.
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