Chapter 46
Soft golden sunlight poured in like water, filtering through the lattices on the curtains and casting faint, swaying shadows on the walls and sofas.
A lazy silence.
The breath in front of me blows, carrying a familiar, slightly sweet scent.
Caesar's eyelashes twitched slightly, and he opened his eyes silently, and what filled his sight was Yael's sleeping face.
The male insect was sleeping very soundly. Compared to the calm and gentle look when awake, he pursed his lips slightly while sleeping, with a hint of light red at the corners of his eyes, as if he had suffered some injustice in his dream.
——It easily makes the tip of my heart sour and soft, and gives rise to the sympathy that makes me want to hold it in my arms and kiss it.
Xi Ze traced the sleeping face of the male insect with his eyes for a while, and then realized that he was sleeping on the extended outer sofa.
Yael hadn't changed out of yesterday's shirt yet. One side of the collar was lifted up by his sleep, and the quilt on his body was rolled up in a mess, making him look wrinkled, but his posture was completely relaxed and comfortable.
He knew that Yael had gone to the auction house yesterday, but because they were afraid of being discovered and the auction house had strict inspections, the undercover team only secretly surrounded the building and waited for anything unusual before rushing in.
The feedback did not reveal what Yael had done.
Xi Ze sat on the sofa for most of the night, waiting for the news that the male insect had returned safely before he closed his eyes and took a nap.
During this time, I seemed to feel something moving, but after smelling a strong caramel aroma, strong fatigue and dizziness quickly swept over me... and then it was now.
"Hmm..."
While I was thinking, a vague nasal sound came from the front.
Yael was half awake when the sunlight stung his eyes and he buried himself in the quilt in a daze.
Soon a warm hand covered his eyelids, blocking out the sunlight. However, this actually made him more awake.
"Xize?"
As expected, a familiar low and hoarse voice came from the side of his ear, causing the tip of Yael's ear to twitch, "Good morning, Lord."
"Good morning......"
Yael responded and waited slowly for consciousness to return to the cage. After a while, he reached out and pulled the female insect's hand down, then turned over to face Xize.
"Don't you notice any changes in yourself?"
The male insect in front of me had picturesque eyebrows and eyes, with a crushed smile scattered in his eyes. He looked lazy yet exceptionally good-looking in the morning light.
Xi Ze was distracted for a moment, and then he realized what he said. He stood up in confusion, "What changes..."
The next second, his pupils shrank.
The female insect in front of him froze all over, with a look of confusion and disbelief. She was so shocked that even her eyelashes froze, and she remained still for more than ten seconds without reacting.
He touched his Adam's apple in a trance, his fingertips trembling uncontrollably—
There used to be a black collar stuck there, a proof of humiliation and lowliness, but now it was empty.
The collar was too tight, compressing the large arteries in his neck all year round, and also pulling on his trachea and esophagus, causing an extremely uncomfortable feeling of suffocation. He could not forget this shame every moment.
But now——the collar around his neck is gone.
free.
This is the feeling of freedom that I haven't felt for five years.
"I'm sorry I didn't spend the New Year with you last night. This is my apology."
Yael turned over and lay flat on his back, looking at the female insect's dazed and expression, and chuckled lazily.
Those words seemed to awaken the female insect from her dream. Her almost frozen golden eyeballs moved suddenly, like a knife slashing through ice, splashing out millions of pieces of shattered glass.
The gushing and crystal tears fell unconsciously, refracted by the sunlight and sparkled, and every drop of them reflected the curved eyebrows and eyes of the insect in front of me.
"My Lord..."
The female insect shook her head unconsciously and muttered silently.
The strong sourness went from his throat all the way up to the tip of his nose and tear glands, instantly breaking through his thick defenses and even causing him to lose control of his expression for a moment.
Yael took a deep breath and slowly relaxed.
He did not look at Caesar again, fearing that he would reveal a hint of reluctance and ruin the female insect's joy at regaining her freedom.
But what he wanted to say next was not what he meant.
I made a promise to the female insect a long time ago, and I never avoided letting Elaine or any other insect know.
"You are free. You are no one's slave, and you don't have to be tied to anyone."
"This is my New Year's gift to you."
"Happy New Year, Nishizawa."
Yael looked extremely serious as he spoke every word.
He knew what this meant to Cesar, so he had to go even if it took a lot of effort to get it.
Regardless of whether Xi Ze will leave in the future, he never considers whether it is worth it.
The next second, Yer's eyes blurred, and then he felt a sudden weight on his chest, causing him to groan.
He subconsciously reached out and grabbed a handful of soft hair around his neck, "Ahem... Caesar?"
The female insect was hugging him tightly, her palms pressing tightly on his shoulders, back and waist, pressing him tightly in her arms.
The scalding body temperature and uncontrollable shivering were transmitted clearly through the quilt.
The warm liquid slid down the neck, and it seemed to burn the flesh as it flowed.
Yael's heart was trembled, and he couldn't help but reach out and hug him back, comforting him in a casual tone.
"Are you so excited? Anyway, after your injuries are healed, you will find a way to remove the female slave's collar by yourself. I just brought the result forward a little bit."
No, it's different.
"My Lord... My Lord..."
Xi Ze pressed his face against the male insect's shoulder and tried hard to suppress the tiny sobs in his throat, but he still couldn't stop the surging emotions and the slightly salty liquid that kept sliding down from his eye sockets.
The freedom that he planned to steal despite his sadness and helplessness was given to him as a precious gift, and he solemnly celebrated his new freedom...
It is completely different.
He suddenly didn't want to restrain himself anymore.
She is always concerned about the future, worldly matters, reason, and other restrictions. She is afraid of scaring the male insect and afraid that the male insect will leave her side. She dares not show her passionate love, and she tortures herself and hesitates to move forward.
This will not impress the male insect in your arms.
And he finally understood——
Whether it is the moon or the stars, if they love you, they will naturally radiate their gentle and lovely light.
But if you try to take possession of something by force through power and wealth, you will only end up hurting both sides.
But at least...
Yael was patting the female insect's back gently when his wrist was suddenly grabbed.
Then the wet feeling left the neck and rubbed eagerly against the ears and cheeks——
"What...?"
The unfinished words were crushed between the lips and teeth, turning into a soft and vague nasal sound.
Yael slowly widened his eyes and looked at Xi Ze above in a daze.
There were still obvious tear marks on the female insect's face, but she didn't bother to wipe them off. Her eyelashes were stuck together into small clumps by the water, and her lowered bright golden eyes reflected his astonished face.
"Hmm...mm..."
The female insect rubbed and bit her lips in a random manner, and her hot breath sprayed on her face again and again, mixed with a strong bitter scent and the diffuse caramel-flavored pheromones, entangled with her endlessly.
Yael tasted a hint of saltiness on the tip of his tongue, but it was quickly crushed in the sweet saliva.
He was kissed so hard that he turned his head and could hardly breathe.
The high fever from the female insect's body turned his brain into a paste. He completely lost the energy to think and struggle, and was dragged and slowly immersed in it.
They kissed for a long time, until the root of Yael's tongue became numb from the sucking. He reached out to push the female insect away in a confused state, and the intimate lips and tongue finally separated.
Yael covered his eyes with the back of his hand and gasped for a while. It took a long time for his rapid heartbeat to return to normal. He hesitated for a moment and then put down his hand.
"Why suddenly...?"
His voice was a little hoarse, and he suddenly stopped talking in the middle of his speech, "Forget it."
"You were just too excited just now. When your emotions are too high, you will do things that you would not normally do... It's normal."
Yael licked his swollen lower lip unconsciously and lowered his eyes to avoid Caesar's gaze.
He didn't know why he was reluctant to discuss this, and he had already made up his mind before Caesar started to explain.
I even hope that the female insect can understand this rejection and then move on from the situation.
"You know I'm not."
The usually sensitive female insect chose not to obey.
He used a little strength to straighten Yael's shoulders, looked straight into those dark eyes, and said with a hint of pleading, "...My Lord."
“Not anymore.”
Yael whispered.
Xi Ze was stunned for a moment, "Not what?"
"I am no longer your lord. We have nothing to do with each other now."
The male insect in front of him had a dazed look on his face, pursing his lips intermittently.
The complete relaxation when he just woke up had disappeared from him, replaced by invisible alertness and coldness.
Cesare had never seen such a look on Yael's face before.
It was like a cat facing a large beast. It was tense and cautious. It wanted to escape but was frozen in place. It could only force itself to cope with the situation.
He denied it in a low voice, "Removing the female slave's collar does not mean ending the relationship. My mental image and pheromones have been marked with the mark of the male master, and they will not be easily erased."
But Yael didn't pay attention to what he said. His eyes passed the female insect and looked aimlessly at the wall behind him, his expression cold and a little dazed.
"You just forced me. I'm a little angry."
He spoke slowly, emphasizing the word "forced", his eyes flickering.
"I didn't use any force. If you really want to refuse, you can just push me away."
Caesar leaned over and approached him, tentatively rubbing the male insect's cheek with the tip of his nose, like an intimate caress.
"But you didn't refuse... and you still don't."
Hearing this, Yael finally retracted his gaze and stared at the female insect for a while, then suddenly asked, "Do you like me?"
He spoke too directly, and Caesar was caught off guard, but before he could even say anything, he was interrupted one after another.
"Why do you like me? What do you like?"
"I didn't do anything, and there's nothing I deserve to be liked for. I just happened to save you. Although I did some over-the-top things while you were recovering from your injuries, I was forced to do so each time. You know that well."
He still insisted on the idea he had first explained to the female insect -
He is not a savior, and cannot save all the lives suffering in dire straits. He just happened to meet Xi Ze and happened to extend a hand.
If a little tenderness and help from a superior position could be exchanged for a heartfelt love and loyalty, then this world would be too cruel and arrogant.
Yael didn't want this.
And he doesn't think he's lovable.
It was obvious that everything was just a coincidence, and it was obvious that no one could save him, and even his own life was a mess.
"You may have just experienced the suspension bridge effect because you met me in times of crisis, or you may have confused the feeling of gratitude for being rescued with the feeling of liking..."
“That’s not the case.”
Cizes looked into those eyes without hesitation, with great courage endowed by tenderness, her voice choked and trembling unnaturally, but she still insisted on speaking in a hoarse voice.
"Remember, I said before that the Lord is a shining star, shining all the time, not because you saved me, but because you are like that."
"Apart from your identity as a male insect, you are fully worthy of being protected, pampered, and respected, and you should accept all the love and gratitude as a matter of course and calmly."
For the first time, he opened his heart, as if picking up the piece of flesh and blood that longed for love that he had separated from him when he was ten years old, along with the naked beating heart organs, and spread it all out to show it to Yael.
I am begging... no, I am begging God to give me a gentle look.
"I ask you to love me - no, no, I ask you to allow me to love you, just acquiesce, without any burden, just stand by my side and don't leave."
Xi Ze's eyes were sad and gentle.
His vision was blurred by the water on his eyelashes, and he passed through the dust sparkling with golden light in a trance and returned to that extremely cold and painful snowy night.
At that time, he was actually still conscious, but he could no longer feel the pain of the stick hitting his flesh. Only his left eye, which had not yet deteriorated, could vaguely see the vast sky above his head, with no stars or moon.
Then a shadow fell, and the noisy world suddenly became quiet.
Behind Yael was the light from the street lamp, and the dim warm yellow blurred the soft and clean outline.
And in those dark eyes there were two extremely bright lights, flickering slightly, so warm and dazzling.
At that time, his heart was empty. He had no desire to survive and no consciousness of struggle. He just wanted to -
How did the stars fall?
But he seldom thought about that night, and that scene only occasionally appeared in fragments of his dreams.
Every moment he spent with Yael, he felt more deeply how lovable male insects were.
Whether it's when he speaks, the little movements when he does something, the expression when he concentrates, or... there are too many.
When I was blind, it was active in my imagination; after I regained my sight, it occupied every inch of my vision and filled my heart.
These memories constitute the essence of life.
New desires grow every moment, clamoring for intimate touches, for inseparable embraces, for unbridled kissing and lovemaking.
So he could really tell the difference between gratitude that needed to be repaid and love that went deep into the bones and flesh. It was really not difficult to tell the difference.
"Hero Lord."
The water hanging on the eyelashes finally gathered and dripped to the ground along the arc, and the moment it shattered, it uttered a heart-shaking love word.
"I ask you to stay with me and allow me to love you."
Yael began to tremble uncontrollably and shook his head unconsciously, not knowing what he was resisting.
He opened his mouth, then closed it tightly, his Adam's apple rolling violently.
"Hero Lord?!"
Sensing that something was wrong, Caesar reached out to straighten Yael's face.
However, he accidentally grabbed the male insect's left wrist while pulling it, and the rough texture crisscrossing on it made his heart tremble.
After he regained his sight, he encountered Yael cleaning these wounds several times, but all his attempts and inquiries came to nothing because of the male insect's obvious resistance and disgust.
Yael has always tried to keep things as they are, until now.
"Take a deep breath, my lord, and relax..."
Cesar relaxed his grip on Yael's wrist, leaned over and pulled him into his arms, gently massaging the overly tense muscles to prevent cramps or subsequent soreness.
Yael adjusted his breathing in his arms, and it took him a long time to relax a little. He opened his eyes and looked at the female insect above.
He looked dazed, and reached out his hand to touch Xi Ze's cheek, wiping away the wet marks with his fingertips. The cool and smooth white hair fell down, tangled between his fingers.
The face before him was clearly that of a female insect, but he could not help being distracted for a moment, his Adam's apple twitched for a moment, and an uncontrollable nausea surged up in his heart.
A sharp and malicious voice suddenly broke the silence and echoed deep in the ear.
"How can there be such a cold-hearted and cruel child? It's really scary. At such a young age, you know how to lie to others with a smiling face. I think you are not just slightly autistic, but you are born bad, right?"
Little Yar sat cautiously on the sofa. For some reason, his father, who had always been addicted to gambling, suddenly changed his mind and pulled him up from the trash can next to the gambling table and took him to the hospital.
He didn't know why, but the woman who claimed to be a psychologist looked at him with disgust as soon as they met, and said the above words with malicious intent.
"It's hopeless."
The psychiatrist's slightly upturned eyes were full of mockery and criticism. He looked at him as if he was selecting a piglet to be slaughtered, then turned and spoke to the man who was holding his shoulders.
"This child's psychological problems are very serious. I suggest that he be hospitalized for treatment, and then the dosage of medication should be increased to see if there is any improvement..."
Little Yale's effort to smile froze on his face, his fingers tugging at the hem of his pants helplessly, watching the doctor and his father finalize the treatment plan in a few words.
The next three months were like a nightmare.
"What are you laughing at? I get upset when I see you laughing. Be serious!"
"You like gold? What a disgusting color! I won't give you any gold candy. I've thrown the others on the ground. You can take your time to choose."
"How funny! Who would like you? I don't like you, and neither do your parents. Otherwise, why would they leave you here and ignore you?"
"I'll tell you something in secret. Your parents are getting divorced. No one wants you anymore. After you're discharged from the hospital, you'll be homeless on the streets. You'll become a beggar and beg for food everywhere."
Later, my mother discovered that something was wrong and flew back from another place to confront the hospital. Only then did the nightmare come to an end.
"Why did the condition get worse the more he was treated?! He could smile and talk before! How did the hospital treat him?!"
The woman with gentle eyes and eyebrows blushed because of the quarrel and looked at him with a distressed expression.
"Baby, tell me, is it because the hospital treated you badly and made you feel uncomfortable?"
You are so seriously ill, if you tell your mother, she will no longer want you! She will throw you into the garbage dump to eat garbage, and feed you to stray dogs when you die of hunger!
"Mom, I'm fine."
Little Yael murmured, "Mom, I want to go home."
But his mother, who loved him so much, was killed in a car accident on the way to the hospital again because of endless quarrels with his father. She died after failed rescue and he was not even able to see her for the last time.
Later, through the crack in the door, he saw his father and the psychiatrist hugging each other naked, making disgusting noises and discussing how to successfully take over the inheritance left by his mother.
Oh, he thought, it's not my fault.
But why was he still so sad? There was a hole in his heart that was bleeding day and night, and it seemed that it would never heal.
[Dad, I'm so hungry. Are these round coins edible?]
[Autism? How could this happen?! ]
[…No, I can’t hold on any longer. I know this isn’t good, but I really can’t face the fact that my child has autism…Mom, I want to go back to your place and live for a while.]
[I lost money again! Bah! It's all your fault, you loser! Sleep in the trash can tonight and don't even think about entering this house! ]
[Hey, your parents don't want you anymore, who will really like you? Face the reality as soon as possible. ]
[What a bitch! Born to be a disaster! You deserve to go to hell with your dead mother! Die die die die...! ]
【Get out! ! 】
“…”
Feeling the warmth on his face, Yael gradually came back to his senses from his distant memories and found himself crying silently, while the female insect was wiping his tears in a panic.
But it was probably of no avail. The salty liquid slid down uncontrollably, like a torrent that had been accumulated for too long and could not be released. After wandering for years, it finally found an outlet and rushed out in an instant.
"I'm sorry, my lord. I won't say those words again. Just think of it as me crossing the line because I was too excited today. I won't do that again in the future..."
Xi Ze said with some trembling, his voice low and harsh.
He had never seen Yael cry.
The unstoppable liquid kept flowing and no matter how hard I wiped it off, it wouldn't dry up. It flowed from the corners of my eyes to my temples, and even wet my cuffs and pillow.
Those dark eyes were tear-filled, exceptionally clear and beautiful, but they were like a sharp knife stabbing into his heart, bringing him excruciating pain and making him deeply regret what he had just said.
He might have been too impatient and scared the male insect.
"sorry……"
Caesar was so flustered that he didn't know what to say. He could only keep apologizing and trying to comfort Yael in his own way.
But she soon realized that those affectionate actions might just be a burden to the male insect, and seemed inappropriate when he had already confessed his feelings.
He was totally at a loss. After hesitating for a long time, he finally took away his hand that was wiping Yael's tears. But as soon as he left, his wrist was grabbed.
"Wait..." Yael muttered, trying to clear his throat, "Wait for me."
He kept taking deep breaths, trying to make his voice steadier, and after adjusting for a while, he spoke slowly.
"I just suddenly remembered something bad... It's not because of what you said, so you don't have to apologize."
Thinking back to the female insect's confession just now, from the enthusiastic compliments to the straightforward declaration of love, his ears started to heat up as he thought about it, and he pursed his lips nervously.
What should I say? Reject or... accept?
But Xi Ze knew nothing.
He knew nothing about the earth, nor did he know the shame and darkness it had experienced, nor had he ever come into contact with the unbearable and evil beneath its gentle surface.
Maybe the female insect just likes a beautiful shell, but also has the filter of a savior and the extra excitement of gaining freedom.
Yael's Adam's apple rolled and he stared at the female insect in front of him without blinking.
Those golden eyes were bright and penetrating, filled with his reflection, as well as emotions and worries that were so sincere that he dared not look directly at them. Just being looked at like that made his heart swell slightly.
The furious and twisted face of the man in his memory was vividly before his eyes. He was shocked that the usually sensible child would actually stab him in the back and do something like taking secret photos and calling the police.
When the police and the media arrived, the man didn't even have time to put on his clothes. After being unexpectedly disgraced, he was faced with more than a decade in prison.
At that time, he watched the police car leave with an expressionless face. He suddenly realized that he was just like what the woman said, cold and cruel. Who would like a child like this?
but.
But...Xize said he liked him and loved him.
There was an extremely faint voice in his heart, so small that it could be blown away by the wind at any time, but it still insisted on surfacing, wanting him to hear it clearly -
Maybe you can give it a try. You didn't even want to push him away when he kissed you.
You like him too, right?
This thought was like a spark that set the prairie on fire. In an instant, it gave rise to a strong yearning and desire, overturning all his previous concerns and hesitations, and suddenly gave him courage.
But before breaking through, Yael hesitated and lowered his voice, "But I may not be able to devote myself to it..."
He was soft-hearted and credulous, but he only had half a heart that was burning, half of it drifting in this foreign land, and the other half had already died in the distant and hopeless past.
Xi Ze's voice was anxious and trembling, but he could only suppress his emotions, "...It doesn't matter, I know everything."
He knew that the male insect didn't like him that much, at least not as much as he did, but - he was willing.
"Then let's give it a try?"
Yael stared at him steadily, tears still on his face, but the corners of his lips were already curled up.
"If you feel it's not appropriate later, then..."
Before he could finish his words, Caesar pushed him down into the quilt, and his neck was tingling from being rubbed by the scattered white hair.
The female insect's voice was low and hoarse, as if she was gritting her teeth to suppress her tears, but a trace of confusion and throbbing emotions still leaked out.
He said, "Okay."
The author has something to say:
So why is it called a two-way redemption? Both are lacking love and longing for love. If you don't know how to love yourself, then try to love the other person. That way, both can get plenty of love!
Ye Ye has some serious psychological problems, but don't worry, the general will love his Wu Wu very much. In terms of frankness and straightforwardness, both sides are actually on par with each other, just with different focuses.
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