Chapter 46

Soft golden sunlight poured in like water, filtering through the lattices on the curtains and casting faint, swaying shadows on the walls and sofas.

A lazy silence.

The breath in front of me blows, carrying a familiar, slightly sweet scent.

Caesar's eyelashes twitched slightly, and he opened his eyes silently, and what filled his sight was Yael's sleeping face.

The male insect was sleeping very soundly. Compared to the calm and gentle look when awake, he pursed his lips slightly while sleeping, with a hint of light red at the corners of his eyes, as if he had suffered some injustice in his dream.

——It easily makes the tip of my heart sour and soft, and gives rise to the sympathy that makes me want to hold it in my arms and kiss it.

Xi Ze traced the sleeping face of the male insect with his eyes for a while, and then realized that he was sleeping on the extended outer sofa.

Yael hadn't changed out of yesterday's shirt yet. One side of the collar was lifted up by his sleep, and the quilt on his body was rolled up in a mess, making him look wrinkled, but his posture was completely relaxed and comfortable.

He knew that Yael had gone to the auction house yesterday, but because they were afraid of being discovered and the auction house had strict inspections, the undercover team only secretly surrounded the building and waited for anything unusual before rushing in.

The feedback did not reveal what Yael had done.

Xi Ze sat on the sofa for most of the night, waiting for the news that the male insect had returned safely before he closed his eyes and took a nap.

During this time, I seemed to feel something moving, but after smelling a strong caramel aroma, strong fatigue and dizziness quickly swept over me... and then it was now.

“Hmm…”

While I was thinking, a vague nasal sound came from the front.

Yael was half awake when the sunlight stung his eyes and he buried himself in the quilt in a daze.

Soon a warm hand covered his eyelids, blocking out the sunlight. However, this actually made him more awake.

"Xize?"

As expected, a familiar low and hoarse voice came from the side of his ear, causing the tip of Yael's ear to twitch, "Good morning, Lord."

"Good morning……"

Yael responded and waited slowly for consciousness to return to the cage. After a while, he reached out and pulled the female insect's hand down, then turned over to face Xize.

"Don't you notice any changes in yourself?"

The male insect in front of me had picturesque eyebrows and eyes, with a crushed smile scattered in his eyes. He looked lazy yet exceptionally good-looking in the morning light.

Xi Ze was distracted for a moment, and then he realized what he said. He stood up in confusion, "What changes..."

The next second, his pupils shrank.

The female insect in front of him froze all over, with a look of confusion and disbelief. She was so shocked that even her eyelashes froze, and she remained still for more than ten seconds without reacting.

He touched his Adam's apple in a trance, his fingertips trembling uncontrollably—

There used to be a black collar stuck there, a proof of humiliation and lowliness, but now it was empty.

The collar was too tight, compressing the large arteries in his neck all year round, and also pulling on his trachea and esophagus, causing an extremely uncomfortable feeling of suffocation. He could not forget this shame every moment.

But now——the collar around his neck is gone.

free.

This is the feeling of freedom that I haven't felt for five years.

"I'm sorry I didn't spend the New Year with you last night. This is my apology."

Yael turned over and lay flat on his back, looking at the female insect's dazed and confused expression, and chuckled lazily.

Those words seemed to awaken the female insect from her dream. Her almost frozen golden eyeballs moved suddenly, like a knife slashing through ice, splashing out millions of pieces of shattered glass.

The gushing and crystal tears fell unconsciously, refracted by the sunlight and sparkled, and every drop of them reflected the curved eyebrows and eyes of the insect in front of me.

"My Lord..."

The female insect shook her head unconsciously and muttered silently.

The strong sourness went from his throat all the way up to the tip of his nose and tear glands, instantly breaking through his thick defenses and even causing him to lose control of his expression for a moment.

Yael took a deep breath and slowly relaxed.

He did not look at Caesar again, fearing that he would reveal a hint of reluctance and ruin the female insect's joy at regaining her freedom.

But what he wanted to say next was not what he meant.

I made a promise to the female insect a long time ago, and I never avoided letting Elaine or any other insect know.

"You are free. You are no one's slave, and you don't have to be tied to anyone."

“This is my New Year’s gift to you.”

"Happy New Year, Nishizawa."

Yael looked extremely serious as he spoke every word.

He knew what this meant to Cesar, so he had to go even if it took a lot of effort to get it.

Regardless of whether Xi Ze will leave in the future, he never considers whether it is worth it.

The next second, Yer's eyes blurred, and then he felt a sudden weight on his chest, causing him to groan.

He subconsciously reached out and grabbed a handful of soft hair around his neck, "Ahem... Caesar?"

The female insect was hugging him tightly, her palms pressing tightly on his shoulders, back and waist, tightly pressing him in her arms.

The scalding body temperature and uncontrollable shivering were transmitted clearly through the quilt.

The warm liquid slid down the neck, and it seemed to burn the flesh as it flowed.

Yael's heart trembled, and he couldn't help but reach out and hug him back, comforting him in a casual tone.

"Are you so excited? Anyway, after your injuries are healed, you will find a way to remove the female slave's collar by yourself. I just brought the result forward a little bit."

No, it's different.

"My Lord... My Lord..."

Xi Ze pressed his face against the male insect's shoulder and tried hard to suppress the tiny sobs in his throat, but he still couldn't stop the surging emotions and the slightly salty liquid that kept sliding down from his eye sockets.

The freedom that he planned to steal despite his sadness and helplessness was given to him as a precious gift, and he solemnly celebrated his new freedom...

It is completely different.

He suddenly didn't want to restrain himself anymore.

She is always concerned about the future, worldly matters, reason, and other restrictions. She is afraid of scaring the male insect and afraid that the male insect will leave her side. She dares not show her passionate love, and she tortures herself and hesitates to move forward.

This will not impress the male insect in your arms.

And he finally understood——

Whether it is the moon or the stars, if they love you, they will naturally radiate their gentle and lovely light.

But if you try to take possession of something by force through power and wealth, you will only end up hurting both sides.

But at least...

Yael was patting the female insect's back gently when his wrist was suddenly grabbed.

Then the wet feeling left the neck and rubbed eagerly against the ears and cheeks——

"What...?"

The unfinished words were crushed between the lips and teeth, turning into a soft and vague nasal sound.

Yael slowly widened his eyes and looked at Xi Ze above in a daze.

There were still obvious tear marks on the female insect's face, but she didn't bother to wipe them off. Her eyelashes were stuck together into small clumps by the water, and her lowered bright golden eyes reflected his astonished face.

“Hmm…mm…”

The female insect rubbed and bit her lips in a random manner, and her hot breath sprayed on her face again and again, mixed with a strong bitter scent and the diffuse caramel-flavored pheromones, entangled with her endlessly.

Yael tasted a hint of saltiness on the tip of his tongue, but it was quickly crushed in the sweet saliva.

He was kissed so hard that he turned his head and could hardly breathe.

The high fever from the female insect's body turned his brain into a paste. He completely lost the energy to think and struggle, and was dragged and slowly immersed in it.

They kissed for a long time, until the root of Yael's tongue became numb from the sucking. He reached out to push the female insect away in a confused state, and the intimate lips and tongue finally separated.

Yael covered his eyes with the back of his hand and gasped for a while. It took a long time for his rapid heartbeat to return to normal. He hesitated for a moment and then put down his hand.

"Why suddenly...?"

His voice was a little hoarse, and he suddenly stopped talking in the middle of his speech, "Forget it."

"You were just too excited just now. When your emotions are too high, you will do things that you would not normally do... It's normal."

Yael licked his swollen lower lip unconsciously and lowered his eyes to avoid Caesar's gaze.

He didn't know why he was reluctant to discuss this, and he had already made up his mind before Caesar started to explain.

I even hope that the female insect can understand this rejection and then move on from the situation.

"You know I'm not."

The usually sensitive female insect chose not to obey.

He used a little strength to straighten Yael's shoulders, looked straight into those dark eyes, and said with a hint of pleading, "...My Lord."

“Not anymore.”

Yael whispered.

Xi Ze was stunned for a moment, "Not what?"

"I am no longer your lord. We have nothing to do with each other now."

The male insect in front of him had a dazed look on his face, pursing his lips intermittently.

The complete relaxation when he just woke up had disappeared from him, replaced by invisible alertness and coldness.

Cesare had never seen such a look on Yael's face before.

It was like a cat facing a large beast. It was tense and cautious. It wanted to escape but was frozen in place. It could only force itself to cope with the situation.

He denied it in a low voice, "Removing the female slave's collar does not mean ending the relationship. My mental image and pheromones have been marked with the mark of the male master, and they will not be easily erased."

But Yael didn't pay attention to what he said. His eyes passed the female insect and looked aimlessly at the wall behind him, his expression cold and a little dazed.

"You just forced me. I'm a little angry."

He spoke slowly, emphasizing the word "forced", his eyes flickering.

"I didn't use any force. If you really want to refuse, you can just push me away."

Caesar leaned over and approached him, tentatively rubbing the male insect's cheek with the tip of his nose, like an intimate caress.

"But you didn't refuse... and you still don't."

Hearing this, Yael finally retracted his gaze and stared at the female insect for a while, then suddenly asked, "Do you like me?"

He spoke too directly, and Caesar was caught off guard, but before he could even say anything, he was interrupted one after another.

"Why do you like me? What do you like?"

“我什麽都沒做，也沒什麽值得被喜歡的，只是恰好救了你，養傷的時候雖然有過界的舉動，但每一次都是情勢所迫，你自己也清楚的。”

他仍然堅持着最初和雌蟲解釋時的想法——

他不是救世主，無法救下所有水深火熱中受苦的生命，只是恰好碰到西澤，又恰好伸出了手。

如果高高在上地施舍一點溫柔和幫助，就能換來滿腔的愛意和忠誠，那這個世界未免也太殘酷和高傲。

耶爾不想這樣。

而且他也不認為自己值得有什麽可愛的。

明明一切只是陰差陽錯，明明他誰都救不了，連自己的生活也是一片狼藉。

“你可能只是因為在危難時遇見了我，才産生了吊橋效應，或者是将被救的感激和喜歡這種感覺混淆了……”

“不是這樣的。”

西澤絲毫不避讓地看進那雙眼睛裏，帶着被溫柔賦予的強大勇氣，聲音哽咽顫抖得不像話，卻仍然堅持着啞聲道。

“還記得嗎，我之前有說過雄主是耀眼的星星，每時每刻都在閃閃發光，不是因為您救了我，而是因為您本身就是這樣。”

“撇開雄蟲這個身份，您也完全值得被保護被寵愛被尊敬，再理所當然、坦然不過地接受全部的愛意和感激。”

他第一次剖開自己的心，仿佛拾起十歲時就割舍的那塊渴望着愛的血肉，連帶着赤裸裸跳動的心髒一起，全部攤開來展現給耶爾看。

請求着……不，是乞求着神明能垂下溫柔的目光。

“我請求您愛我——不、不，是請您允許我愛您，只要默許就好，不用有什麽負擔，就站在我身邊不要離開。”

西澤的眸光悲哀而溫柔。

他的視線被眼睫上的水液模糊，恍惚間穿過這片閃爍着金色光芒的浮塵，回到了那個極冷極痛的雪夜。

那時他其實還有意識，卻已經感受不到棍棒落在血肉上的疼痛，只有還沒惡化的左眼模模糊糊，看見了頭頂的遼闊天宇，無星也無月。

後來一片陰影籠罩下來，嘈雜的世界突然變得安靜。

耶爾身後是路燈打下的光，昏沉的暖黃色模糊了那溫柔幹淨的輪廓。

而那雙烏黑的眼眸中有兩點極亮的光，微微閃爍着，如此溫暖而耀眼。

那時他心裏一片空空蕩蕩，沒有求生的渴望也沒有掙紮的意識，只是想——

星星怎麽降落下來了。

可是他也極少想起那一晚，那一幕只偶爾出現在夢境的片段裏。

在和耶爾相處的每時每刻，他都能更深入地感受到雄蟲的可愛之處。

不管是說話的時候、做一些事時的小動作、專注時的神情，還是……太多太多了。

在看不見時活躍在想象裏，在複明後則擠占了每一寸視野，将心髒都填塞得滿滿當當。

這些記憶構成了生活的本色。

每時每刻都在滋長新的渴望，叫嚣着想要親昵的觸碰，想要密不可分的擁抱，想要肆無忌憚地親吻和做愛。

所以他真的分得清，什麽是要好好報答的感激，什麽是深入骨髓和血肉的愛意，區分起來真的一點都不難。

“雄主。”

懸挂在睫羽的水液終于彙聚，沿着弧度滴落在地，碎裂的剎那發出搖顫心神的愛語。

“我請求您留在我身邊，允許我去愛您。”

耶爾難以抑制地顫抖起來，無意識地搖着頭不知道在抗拒什麽。

他張了張嘴，又狠狠抿緊，喉結劇烈地滾動。

“雄主？！”

直覺情況有些不對勁，西澤伸手想掰正耶爾的臉。

卻在拉扯間不小心握住了雄蟲的左手手腕，上面縱橫交錯的粗粝質感讓他心尖一顫。

他恢複視力之後，曾經好幾次撞見耶爾在清洗這些傷口，但因為雄蟲明顯的抗拒和厭惡，所有的試探和詢問都無疾而終。

耶爾總是有意粉飾太平，一直到現在。

“深呼吸雄主，放輕松……”

西澤放松了抓住耶爾手腕的力道，俯身将他攬入懷中，輕輕按揉過度緊張的肌肉，以免痙攣或過後出現酸痛。

耶爾在他懷裏調整呼吸，好半晌才稍微放松下來，睜開眼看向上方的雌蟲。

他神情怔愣，伸出手撫上西澤的側臉，指腹抹去上面濕漉漉的痕跡，冰涼柔滑的白發垂落，在指縫間糾纏不清。

眼前分明是雌蟲的臉，他卻忍不住一陣失神，喉結滾動了一瞬，難以抑制的惡心翻湧不止。

帶着尖銳惡意的聲音倏地劃破安靜，在耳廓深處響起——

“怎麽會有那麽冷漠心狠的小孩，真是可怕，小小年紀就知道戴着笑臉騙人了，我看你不是輕微自閉，是天生就壞吧？”

小耶爾拘謹地坐在小沙發上，不知道為什麽一向沉迷賭博的爸爸突然轉了性，把他從賭桌的垃圾桶旁邊揪起來帶去了醫院。

也不知道為什麽才剛見面，對面自稱心理醫生的女人就一臉厭惡地看着他，滿懷惡意地說出了上面的話。

“真是沒救了。”

那個心理醫生微微上挑的眼睛裏滿是嘲諷和挑剔，看着他的眼神像在挑選一只待宰的小豬仔，轉頭對按住他肩頭的男人說話。

“這孩子的心理問題很嚴重啊，建議是住院治療，然後加大劑量用藥，再觀察有沒有好轉……”

小耶爾努力揚起的笑僵在臉上，手指無措地揪着褲邊，看着那個醫生和爸爸三言兩語就敲定了治療方案。

後來的那三個月就好像噩夢一樣。

“笑什麽笑？一看見你笑就心煩，給我嚴肅一點！”

“你喜歡金色？什麽惡心的顏色，我就不給你金色的糖果，其他的我扔地上了，你自己慢慢挑吧。”

“好好笑哦，誰會喜歡你啊，我不喜歡你，你爸爸媽媽也不喜歡你，不然他們怎麽會把你扔在這裏不管不顧？”

“我悄悄告訴你吧，你爸媽要離婚了，誰都不要你，出院之後你就流浪街頭了，到時候要變成小乞丐到處讨食咯。”

後來是媽媽發現情況不對，專門從外地飛回來和醫院對峙，這場噩夢才有了盡頭。

“為什麽越治療越嚴重？！之前分明可以笑可以說話的！醫院到底是怎麽治療的？！”

眉眼溫婉的女人因為争吵漲紅了臉，一臉心疼地看着他。

“寶寶你告訴媽媽，是不是醫院對你不好，讓你覺得很不舒服？”

你生病這麽嚴重，一旦告訴你媽媽，她就不要你了！到時候把你扔到垃圾場撿垃圾吃，餓死了喂野狗！

“媽媽，我沒事。”

小耶爾喃喃道，“媽媽，我想回家。”

可是那麽愛他的媽媽，又因為和爸爸争吵不休，在再一次趕往醫院的路上出車禍死了，搶救無效後去世，甚至沒能見到最後一面。

再後來，他透過門縫，看見爸爸和那個心理醫生赤條條地抱在一起，糾纏着發出惡心的聲音，讨論着怎麽才能順利霸占媽媽留下的遺産。

哦。他想，原來這不是我的錯。

但他為什麽還是這麽難過，心髒被挖了一個空洞，日夜不停地流着血，好像再也不會愈合了。

【爸爸，我好餓，這些圓圓的幣是能吃的東西嗎？】

【自閉症？怎麽會這樣？！】

【……不行，我撐不下去了，我知道這樣不好，但是我真的面對不了自己的小孩是自閉症……媽，我想先回你那邊住一陣子。】

【又輸錢了！呸！都是你這個掃把星害的！今晚睡垃圾桶，別想進這個家門！】

【喂，你爸媽不要你了，誰會真的喜歡你？早點認清現實吧。】

【真是狗養的婊子！天生的災星！你就活該和你那死去的媽一起下地獄！去死去死去死去死……！】

【滾出去！！】

“……”

溫熱觸感覆在臉上，耶爾漸漸從久遠的回憶中回神，發現自己在無聲流淚，而雌蟲正有些慌張地幫他擦拭。

但大概是于事無補的，鹹澀的水液不受控制地滑落，像是積攢了太久太久無法釋放的洪流，徘徊了多年終于找到出口，瞬間奔湧不止。

“對不起雄主，我不會再說那些話了，就當是我今天太激動才會越界，以後不會了……”

西澤有些顫抖地道，聲音低啞又艱澀。

他從來沒有見過耶爾哭。

無法止住的水液源源不斷地流淌，怎麽擦都擦不幹，順着眼尾沒入鬓邊，一直沾濕了袖口和枕頭。

那雙烏黑眸子淚眼朦膿，分外清透漂亮，卻像一把尖刀插進心髒，帶來剜心刺骨的劇痛，讓他無比後悔剛才說出的那些話。

他可能真的太心急了，才會把雄蟲吓到。

“對不起……”

西澤慌亂到不知道該說些什麽，只能不停地道歉，努力想用自己的方式安撫耶爾。

卻很快意識到那些親昵的舉動，對于雄蟲來說也許只是負擔，在他已經剖白心意的情況下，更是顯得不合時宜。

他渾身都無措極了，猶豫許久，還是拿開了幫耶爾擦眼淚的手，但才剛離開就被抓住了手腕。

"Wait..." Yael muttered, trying to clear his throat, "Wait for me."

He kept taking deep breaths, trying to make his voice steadier, and after adjusting for a while, he spoke slowly.

"I just suddenly remembered something bad... It's not because of what you said, so you don't have to apologize."

Thinking back to the female insect's confession just now, from the enthusiastic compliments to the straightforward declaration of love, his ears started to heat up as he thought about it, and he pursed his lips nervously.

What should I say? Reject or... accept?

But Xi Ze knew nothing.

He knew nothing about the earth, nor did he know the shame and darkness it had experienced, nor had he ever come into contact with the unbearable and evil beneath its gentle surface.

Maybe the female insect just likes a beautiful shell, but also has the filter of a savior and the extra excitement of gaining freedom.

Yael's Adam's apple rolled and he stared at the female insect in front of him without blinking.

Those golden eyes were bright and penetrating, filled with his reflection, as well as emotions and worries that were so sincere that he dared not look directly at them. Just being looked at like that made his heart swell slightly.

The furious and twisted face of the man in his memory was vividly before his eyes. He was shocked that the usually sensible child would actually stab him in the back and do something like taking secret photos and calling the police.

When the police and the media arrived, the man didn't even have time to put on his clothes. After being unexpectedly disgraced, he was faced with more than a decade in prison.

At that time, he watched the police car leave with an expressionless face. He suddenly realized that he was just like what the woman said, cold and cruel. Who would like a child like this?

but.

But...Xize said he liked him and loved him.

There was an extremely faint voice in his heart, so small that it could be blown away by the wind at any time, but it still insisted on surfacing, wanting him to hear it clearly -

Maybe you can give it a try. You didn't even want to push him away when he kissed you.

You like him too, right?

This thought was like a spark that set the prairie on fire. In an instant, it gave rise to a strong yearning and desire, overturning all his previous concerns and hesitations, and suddenly gave him courage.

But before breaking through, Yael hesitated and lowered his voice, "But I may not be able to devote myself to it..."

He was soft-hearted and credulous, but he only had half a heart that was burning, half of it drifting in this foreign land, and the other half had already died in the distant and hopeless past.

Xi Ze's voice was anxious and trembling, but he could only suppress his emotions, "...It doesn't matter, I know everything."

He knew that the male insect didn't like him that much, at least not as much as he did, but - he was willing.

"Then let's give it a try?"

Yael stared at him steadily, tears still on his face, but the corners of his lips were already curled up.

"If you feel it's not appropriate later, then..."

Before he could finish his words, Caesar pushed him down into the quilt, and his neck was tingling from being rubbed by the scattered white hair.

The female insect's voice was low and hoarse, as if she was gritting her teeth to suppress her tears, but a trace of confused and throbbing emotions still leaked out.

He said, "Okay."

The author has something to say:

So why is it called a two-way redemption? Both are lacking love and longing for love. If you don’t know how to love yourself, then try to love the other person. That way, both can get plenty of love!

Ye Ye has some serious psychological problems, but don't worry, the general will love his Wu Wu very much. In terms of frankness and straightforwardness, both sides are actually on par with each other, just with different focuses.