Chapter 49 Guilt You Never Loved Me
Shen Zhiwei's palm was still burning, the aftershock of the slap creeping up along the wrist bone.
Xiao Lingjun slowly turned his head, tasting a slightly sweet taste in his mouth. The slap had been quite forceful, leaving a glaring red mark on his cheek. He ignored his brother at the door and only looked at Shen Zhiwei.
"Everyone get out."
All the eunuchs and palace maids retreated as if they had been pardoned, lowering their heads and crawling away, blocking Xiao Wangqing who was trying to enter.
The door was gently closed.
"Well done." Xiao Lingjun's voice was low and hoarse, not sounding angry. He raised his hand and rubbed his hot cheek with his fingertips.
Shen Zhiwei didn't respond. She turned and walked to the desk, looking at the memorial spread out on it. The ink on the plain paper was not yet dry. It was Xiao Lingjun's handwriting, and he had carefully reviewed it. She picked up the purple hair brush he usually used.
"Is it fun to lie to me?" she asked.
Xiao Lingjun walked behind her, very close to her, and could smell the light scent of soapberry in her hair, mixed with the smell of the dust on the road.
He stretched out his hand, wanting to touch her hand hanging at her side. Just as his fingertips were about to touch, Shen Zhiwei flipped her wrist and the tip of the pen touched the back of his hand, leaving a little ink mark.
"Don't touch me."
Xiao Lingjun's hand paused in mid-air, the ink quickly spreading. He glanced down, then back up at her profile.
"Ah Wei," he called her, his tone softening. "You didn't remember anything back then. I said I was Xiao Wangqing out of necessity."
"You have no choice?" Shen Zhiwei raised his eyebrows and turned around, the tip of the pen still facing him. "You have no choice but to stay in my palace every night? You have no choice but to call me Ah Wei? You have no choice but to act so sincerely and heartfeltly?"
She took a step forward, the tip of her pen almost poking the plain white fabric of his chest. "Xiao Lingjun, what do you take me for? A toy you worked so hard to get? Keeping me captive so you can play a loving couple game?"
Xiao Lingjun's Adam's apple rolled as he looked into her eyes, which were now slightly aglow with anger. There was no hatred in them, only something deeper: disappointment, and perhaps... exhaustion. This exhaustion stung him, more than the slap in the face.
"I'm not..." He tried to defend himself, but his voice was dry.
"You're not what?" Shen Zhiwei interrupted him, using the tip of her pen to draw a faint line of ink on his collar. "You're not deliberately deceiving me? You're not scheming? Xiao Lingjun, you even dared to kill your own father, and you seized the throne so cleanly and efficiently, but you need such a roundabout way of 'having to do it' to me?"
She bluntly exposed the secret of his patricide. Xiao Ling's pupils suddenly shrank and his eyes turned cold.
However, the chill only lasted for a moment before receding like the tide. He looked at her and suddenly laughed softly, his shoulders trembling slightly.
"Yes, I killed my father," he wiped his eyes and admitted it straightforwardly, "because he blocked my way and also blocked the way to bring you back. Ah Wei, I must have that position. With it, I can protect you and make you... never leave me again."
Xiao Lingjun reached out, ignoring the threat of the pen tip, and grabbed Shen Zhiwei's wrist with such force that she frowned. The ink stained his fingertips and also smeared her skin.
"You remember everything now," he leaned in very close, his breath brushing against her ear. "What happened in your past life? What happened in this life? Did Xiao Wangqing save you? Then do you still remember how he ascended the throne in your past life by stepping on my corpse? Do you remember that you said back then that you saved his life just to provoke me to take action, to seek a quick release?"
Shen Zhiwei's wrist was gripped by him so hard that it hurt. She tried to break free, but he held it tighter.
"You've never loved me, Ah Wei. In this life and the past, it's the same." His laughter was very low, like a venomous snake spitting out its tongue. "The way you look at Xiao Wangqing is different from the way you look at others. Even if I pretend to be him, learn his silence, and imitate his cautiousness towards you... you just think it's funny and think that my appearance is acceptable, right?"
"You treat me with pity, indulgence, and even a touch of habitual closeness, because we've known each other for years, and we've known each other for so long, but that's not love." He stroked the beating pulse on the inside of her wrist with his fingertips, his eyes dark. "You can't give me what I want. So I take it myself, whether it's cheated or robbed, it's better than nothing."
Shen Zhiwei looked at his eyes so close to her, which were bloodshot and filled with emotions that were familiar yet unfamiliar to her: paranoia, gloom, and the embarrassment of having his thoughts exposed by her.
As he said such harsh words, his eyes were wet and red.
"Let go." She forced herself to harden her heart.
"No," Xiao Lingjun answered bluntly. Not only did he not let her go, but he brought her closer to him, almost closing the distance between them. "Let you go and let you go find Xiao Wangqing? Is he cleaner than me? More open-minded than me? Ah Wei, you know in your heart that we are the same kind of people. This dragon throne, in this world, which one is not made of bones? The blood on Xiao Wangqing's hands is not less than mine."
"At least he didn't lie to me." Shen Zhiwei said coldly.
"He didn't lie to you because he didn't need it!" Xiao Lingjun's voice suddenly rose and then suddenly dropped.
"He saved you and protected you, just to repay the ridiculous kindness in his previous life, or... seeing you in this state now, he felt pity for you. But Ah Wei, what is pity? It is the most unreliable thing. Once you turn back into the cold-hearted and cautious Shen Zhiwei, will he still treat you like this?"
He stared into her eyes, emphasizing each word. "But I'm different. I know what kind of person you are. I know all your calculations, all your coldness, all your unbearableness. But I still want you, even if it means deceiving you or robbing you. I'll lock you up by my side, watching over you day and night, guarding you. In this world, I'm the only one who dares to treat you like this, and I'm the only one... worthy of treating you like this."
"Ah Wei," he said, his voice also moist, "I've beaten you and scolded you, have you calmed down a bit?"
Shen Zhiwei pulled the corner of his mouth, without much smile: "Do you think I'm angry with you?"
"I know you're not," Xiao Lingjun smiled, "You're just disappointed. Disappointed that I couldn't keep lying. Disappointed that I tore through that disguise that you could barely accept."
He raised his other hand, grazing his fingertips near the red mark where she had slapped him.
"But Ah Wei, what do you want?" he asked, sounding genuinely confused. "A gentle, self-disciplined gentleman? A husband who has nothing but respect for you and no false desires? Like Xiao Wangqing?"
When he mentioned Xiao Wangqing's name, his tone didn't change, but Shen Zhiwei felt that his grip on her wrist had tightened a bit.
"I pretended," he continued, his eyes locked on hers. "During that month, I learned to be less talkative, to be restrained, to watch you as carefully as he did. You did relax a little, and even smiled at me occasionally."
"But I'm not happy, Awei. Seeing you smile at that face makes me jealous."
"Every time your ears turn red because of 'him's' proximity, every time you take the initiative to touch 'him', here..." He took her hand and pressed it forcefully against his left chest. Through the plain white mourning clothes, he could feel her rapid and powerful heartbeat underneath, "It feels like being pricked by needles."
Shen Zhiwei was a little breathless. She recalled that month when she sometimes felt that his eyes were too focused. It turned out that it wasn't an illusion, but he could no longer pretend.
"The way you look at him is different from the way you look at others," he stared into her eyes. "Even if I'm just a poor imitator, you'll be more tolerant, even...interested, because of that similar face and that deliberately constructed clumsiness."
The word he used was very subtle, not love, not like, but interest, as if she was just curious about a specific type.
Shen Zhiwei wanted to pull her hand back, but he held it tighter. The heartbeat beneath her palm was rapid and hot, transmitted through the fabric of her clothes.
"So you're just going to stop pretending?" She suddenly realized that he had lost a lot of weight, and there was an indelible weariness between his brows. Her fingertips curled up, and her nails dug into her palms. "You're going to use your status as emperor to bring me back and lock me up in this Qingliang Palace?"
"You're a lunatic." She spat out these words, but found that there was not much real rebuke in her voice. She had said similar words in her previous life, and she had known that he was such a person.
It was so in the previous life and it is so in this life.
"Yes, I am crazy," Xiao Lingjun admitted frankly. He raised his hand and grasped her wrist. This time the force was very light, but she couldn't break free. "You drove me crazy, Awei."
His fingertips were cold, and when they touched her warm skin, it caused a small shudder.
"In your previous life, when you saved Xiao Wangqing and used yourself as bait to lure me into the game, did you ever think I would go crazy? In this life, you've lost your memory, but you still look at him differently. Did you ever think I would be jealous?"
Shen Zhiwei wanted to pull her hand back, but he held it tighter: "I didn't..."
"You do," Xiao Lingjun interrupted her, his eyes sharp as a knife. "The way you look at him is different from the way you look at others. No matter how much I pretend to be like him, no matter how hard I study, there will always be a layer of distance between you and me. Now that you have regained your memory, I finally understand what that barrier is."
He slowly leaned forward, his usually gentle voice distorted, sweet and almost bewitching: "It's guilt, right? Because in the past life, you were the indirect cause of my death."
Shen Zhiwei's face turned pale.
"You're talking nonsense..."
"You know whether I'm talking nonsense or not," Xiao Lingjun's lips were almost touching her earlobe. "You always feel that you owe me, so when we meet again in this life, even if I lied to you and imprisoned you, deep down in your heart, it's hard for you to be truly cruel to me. You might even... feel lucky that I'm still alive, right?"
Shen Zhiwei's face turned pale, and her fingertips trembled slightly. She did... There was a moment when she just recovered her memory and realized that Xiao Lingjun did not die like in her previous life. The emotion she felt was definitely not pure hatred.
Xiao Lingjun noticed her hesitation and chuckled softly. The way he curved his eyes was similar to that of the young crown prince in his previous life.
"You thought you were the one who killed me, didn't you?" Xiao Lingjun chuckled. "You thought it was you who saved Xiao Wangqing that gave him the opportunity to counterattack, and that's why I died."
Shen Zhiwei pursed her lips and agreed.
"You thought I was defeated. I made a mistake in my chess game, and that's why Xiao Wangqing pierced my heart with his sword." He took her hand and kissed her palm. "Awei, you underestimated me too much, and... you overestimated him too much."
Shen Zhiwei tried to break free from his hand, but he held it tighter, with just enough strength to prevent her from breaking free but not to hurt her.
"I saw it," he continued. "I saw him hiding among the guards, saw his hand shaking with his sword. At that moment, I could have ordered the arrows to be released, and he and the soldiers around him would have been riddled with arrows."
His fingertips slowly moved up along the inside of her wrist, stroking her sensitive skin and causing a slight shudder.
"But I didn't."
"I suddenly thought, if he were the one sitting in that position, wouldn't it be possible... that you wouldn't have to drink those poisons anymore, and that you could live a little easier, even if it was just for a few more years."
Xiao Lingjun seemed to find it funny when he said this. He smiled and pulled her into his arms, his chin pressed against the top of her head as he whispered softly.
"Look, Awei, what's happened between us has never been a simple love-hate relationship. It's an entanglement, a debt, and a bad fate. You can't get rid of me."
"So, don't even think about leaving. Stay in the palace, stay by my side. You can continue to be your Lord Shen, you can inquire about state affairs, you can assist me like you assisted Xiao Wangqing in your previous life..."
"This kingdom is mine now. I can give you the peace and tranquility you desire."
"As long as you stay."
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The author has something to say: Shen Zhiwei doesn’t know how things turned out like this.
All in all, they have known each other for more than twenty years.
She was too familiar with Xiao Lingjun, familiar with the calculations behind every look in his eyes, the traps in every soft word. She watched him perform, watched him feign pity, watched him carefully tear open the wound, revealing the bloody inside.
In contrast, the new emperor is also familiar with his Awei.
The guilt from her past life was like a chronic illness. She really owed him a life, an ending that could have been avoided.
In past and present lives, it is no longer possible to tell who has a deeper obsession.
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