Chapter 19
Shi Ye covered his face with a pillow and lay there for about ten minutes. The little吐槽 (tu cao, meaning to complain or criticize) person in his mind had grown from one to a group, and they were having a吐槽 (tu cao) conference.
"Jiang Chen has feelings for me?! 30 points?! We've only known each other for a day! We've barely exchanged ten words! Is this reasonable?! In the original story, didn't he like Lin Xiaoyu?! How come he fell for me after meeting me?! Do I have some strange charm?! Or is the emotional logic of this world completely broken?!"
She tossed the pillow aside, sat up, and stared at her phone screen, as if trying to glean an explanation from the words on it.
"System," she asked in her mind, "Are you sure you're not mistaken? Jiang Chen really has feelings for me? And not for Lin Xiaoyu?"
"Data confirmed: Jiang Chen's favorability towards Lin Xiaoyu is 85/100, and his favorability towards the host is 30/100. It is normal for a character to have feelings for multiple people at the same time."
Shi Ye collapsed onto the bed: "Normal my foot! This is a love triangle! No, it's a love quadrangle! Qi Jin likes me, I like... I don't like anyone, Lin Xiaoyu treats me like a sister, Jiang Chen likes Lin Xiaoyu and me—what a mess of relationships!"
She felt her head start to hurt; it wasn't a physiological pain, it was a real headache.
The phone vibrated again. Shi Ye thought it was another new message from the system, but when he picked it up, he saw it was from Lin Xiaoyu.
"Sister Shi! Are you asleep?"
Shi Ye glanced at the time; it was 9:30 PM. She replied, "Not yet."
Lin Xiaoyu replied instantly: "You worked hard today! Did your senior give you this?"
"Um."
"That's good~ By the way, what do you think of Senior Jiang Chen?"
Shi Ye stared at the question, his finger hovering over the screen. Why was Lin Xiaoyu asking this? Did she realize that Jiang Chen had feelings for her? Impossible, with only 30 points of favorability, it shouldn't be that obvious, right?
"It's great," she replied modestly. "Refined, polite, and even helped carry things."
"Right, right!" Lin Xiaoyu sent an excited emoji. "I knew Sister Shi Ye would like him!"
Shi Ye: "..." Wait, what does "like" mean?!
"Jiang Chen is such a great guy!" Lin Xiaoyu continued, "He's academically gifted, capable, and the student council president! Plus, he's single!"
Shi Ye's heart skipped a beat. Could Lin Xiaoyu be... trying to set her up with Jiang Chen?! What on earth is this kid thinking?!
“Xiaoyu,” she typed, “what do you mean by telling me all this…?”
"I just think Sister Shi Ye and Senior Jiang Chen are a perfect match!" Lin Xiaoyu said matter-of-factly. "Doesn't Sister Shi Ye have someone she likes? Then Senior Jiang Chen can keep Sister Shi Ye company!"
Shi Ye: "..." So Lin Xiaoyu thought Qi Jin had someone he liked (not Shi Ye), and then wanted to introduce someone to Shi Ye?! This is a huge misunderstanding!
"Xiaoyu, the person Qi Jin likes..." She hesitated for a moment, but still didn't say it.
"I know, I know!" Lin Xiaoyu replied instantly. "Senior has someone she likes, but that's her business! Sister Shi, you can have someone you like too! I think Senior Jiang Chen is pretty good!"
Shi Ye sighed, rubbing his forehead. What on earth was going on?! Not only did Lin Xiaoyu not realize that Qi Jin liked Shi Ye, but she was actually trying to introduce him to potential partners?! Wasn't this plot getting more and more absurd?!
“Xiaoyu,” she tried to explain, “I don’t need…”
"Yes, yes!" Lin Xiaoyu interrupted her. "Sister Shi, you always think of others, but you should think of yourself too! Senior Jiang Chen is really great, you can give him a try!"
Shi Ye stared at the screen, suddenly feeling a sense of powerlessness. What exactly was her persona in this world? Why did everyone think she needed to be taken care of and that she needed to be set up with someone?!
“Xiaoyu,” she typed seriously, “I really don’t need it. And… the person Qi Jin likes is me.”
After sending the message, Shi Ye stared at the screen, her heart pounding. She had said it, finally said it. Although it might disrupt all her plans, at least… Lin Xiaoyu should understand now, right?
Lin Xiaoyu's end displayed "The other party is typing..." repeatedly several times before finally sending: "...Huh?"
Just one word, plus a question mark.
Shi Ye: "..." Isn't this reaction a bit too bland?!
"Does Senior Sister like you, Sister Shi Ye?" Lin Xiaoyu sent another message.
"Um."
"It's always been you I've liked?"
"Um."
"Have I liked you for a long time?"
"Um."
There was silence on Lin Xiaoyu's end. Shi Ye waited for two minutes, and just as he was about to send another message, Lin Xiaoyu called.
Shi Ye answered: "Hello?"
"Sister Shi!" Lin Xiaoyu's voice sounded...excited? "Is it true?! Senior really likes you?! She's liked you for a long time?!"
"Hmm..." Shi Ye was a little confused. Lin Xiaoyu's reaction... wasn't it a bit off?
"That's great!" Lin Xiaoyu cheered. "I was wondering why you liked someone else when the senior looked at you so gently! Now I know!"
Shi Ye: "..." So Lin Xiaoyu always thought Qi Jin liked someone else? And she even wanted to introduce Shi Ye to someone because of that?!
"So, what about you, Senior Sister?" Lin Xiaoyu asked. "Do you like Senior Sister?"
Shi Ye fell silent. She couldn't answer that question.
“I…” she said with difficulty, “I don’t know.”
"You don't know?" Lin Xiaoyu didn't understand. "Why don't you know? Your senior is so nice and likes you so much, how could you not know?"
“Because…” Shi Ye closed his eyes, “I can’t feel it.”
"Can't feel anything?"
"I can't feel...like anything," Shi Ye said. "It's like I've...lost the ability to like someone."
There was silence on the other end of the phone. Shi Ye could hear Lin Xiaoyu's breathing, soft and tinged with surprise.
"Sister Shi," Lin Xiaoyu's voice became cautious, "You mean...you're sick?"
"I guess so," Shi Ye said. "Depression, emotional numbness. I can tell if someone is good, I can tell if I should like them, but... I don't feel anything in my heart."
This was the first time she had spoken so directly about this to someone. When she told Qi Jin, he already knew. When she told her father, he already knew. But with Lin Xiaoyu… this was the first time.
"So..." Lin Xiaoyu said softly, "you brought my senior and me together because..."
“Because I think she should be with someone who can reciprocate her feelings,” Shi Ye said, “not someone like me… an empty shell.”
“Sister Shi, you’re not an empty shell!” Lin Xiaoyu said immediately. “You can laugh, you care about people, you help me figure out how to organize a design exhibition… how could you be an empty shell!”
Shi Ye smiled, a bitter smile: "That was just... a performance. I knew what to do, so I did it. But inside... I felt empty."
There was silence on the other end of the phone. Shi Ye waited, waiting for Lin Xiaoyu to say "I understand," or "Okay then," or anything that indicated understanding.
But Lin Xiaoyu said, "Sister Shi, wait for me."
Then the call ended.
Shi Ye stared at his phone, a little confused. Wait for her? Wait for what?
She lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. The little voice in her head started complaining again: "So now Lin Xiaoyu knows that Qi Jin likes me, that I have depression, and that I played matchmaker because I felt I couldn't reciprocate… Isn't this plot a bit too heavy? What happened to the lighthearted and silly stuff?"
She rolled over and buried her face in the pillow. Maybe she shouldn't have told Lin Xiaoyu. But so be it, at least... she didn't have to pretend anymore.
His phone vibrated again. Shi Ye picked it up and saw it was a long voice message from Lin Xiaoyu.
She clicked on it, and Lin Xiaoyu's voice came through, very serious: "Sister Shiye, I just thought about it. First of all, I want to apologize. I didn't know your situation before, and I even tried to match you up with Senior Jiang Chen. I'm sorry."
"Secondly, I want to tell you that depression is treatable. I have a cousin who also had depression, but she's much better now, and she's married and living a very happy life."
"Third, and most importantly—relationships are not a transaction, not a matter of 'you give me this much, I'll give you that much in return.' It's her business if she likes you. Whether you accept her or not is your business. But you can't push her to someone else just because you feel you can't give her an 'equal' response. That's unfair to her, and it's unfair to yourself."
"Sister Shi, you deserve to be loved, and you deserve to be loved. Maybe you can't feel it now, but that doesn't mean you'll never feel it. Give yourself a chance, and give your senior a chance, okay?"
After listening to the audio, Shi Ye's eyes welled up with tears again—damn physiological reaction!
She typed: "Xiaoyu, thank you. But..."
“No buts!” Lin Xiaoyu replied instantly. “Sister Shi, let me ask you a question: If you were cured, if you could feel emotions again, would you like your senior?”
Shi Ye stared at the question, his finger hovering over the screen.
If she could sense... would she like Qi Jin?
Qi Jin was so good to her, so persistent, so gentle... If she could feel that, she would probably like him, right?
But she can't feel it, so this question is meaningless.
"I don't know," she finally replied.
"Then let's get treatment!" Lin Xiaoyu said. "The hospital my cousin goes to is very good; I can help you get in touch with them! Let's focus on getting treatment first, and we can talk about our relationship later!"
Shi Ye's heart skipped a beat. Treatment? She had never considered it. In her original world, she had indeed undergone treatment, but the effects were minimal. In this world... would it be effective?
"System," she asked in her mind, "can the medical technology in this world cure my depression?"
"The medical level in this world is comparable to that of the original world. Antidepressants and psychotherapy methods are available, but the treatment effects vary from person to person."
In other words, it may be curable, or it may not be curable.
"Sister Shi?" Lin Xiaoyu messaged again, "Are you listening?"
"Yes," Shi replied. "I... I'll think about it."
"Don't even think about it! I'll take you to the hospital tomorrow!" Lin Xiaoyu said. "I've been with my cousin many times, I know the process all too well!"
Looking at the message, Shi Ye suddenly felt a warmth—not an emotional warmth, but a rational one. Lin Xiaoyu genuinely cared about her; it wasn't just politeness or perfunctory politeness.
"Okay," she replied, "we'll talk about it tomorrow."
“Then it’s settled!” Lin Xiaoyu sent a happy emoji. “By the way, about Senior Jiang Chen… I’ll explain to him and tell him not to misunderstand.”
Shi Ye: "..." Yes, there's also Jiang Chen's matter.
"How did he misunderstand?" she asked.
“He seems to… have a crush on you, Sister Shi Ye,” Lin Xiaoyu said. “He kept looking at you when we were moving things today. I thought it was because Sister Shi Ye is pretty, but now that I think about it… I might have misunderstood something.”
Shi Ye: "..." So Jiang Chen's favorability rating is real, and it's even showing?!
"How...how are you going to explain this to him?" she asked, a little worried.
"Just tell them that Sister Shi Ye has someone she likes!" Lin Xiaoyu said casually. "Although they're not together yet, it'll be soon!"
Shi Ye: "..." This explanation is worse than no explanation at all!
“Xiaoyu,” she typed seriously, “Don’t talk nonsense. There’s no possibility between Qi Jin and me.”
"Why is it impossible?" Lin Xiaoyu didn't understand. "Your senior likes you, and you... at least don't dislike her, right? Then it's possible!"
Shi Ye didn't know how to explain. Should she say she had a system mission? Should she say she was going to bring Qi Jin and Lin Xiaoyu together? Should she say the world would collapse if the mission failed?
"Anyway... don't talk nonsense." That was all she could say.
“Okay…” Lin Xiaoyu reluctantly agreed, “See you tomorrow? I’ll pick you up at 10 a.m., and we’ll go to the hospital.”
"good."
After ending the conversation, Shi Ye put down her phone and lay down on the bed. The little voice in her head that had been complaining quieted down, replaced by another voice—a rational, analytical one.
If she goes for treatment, if she really gets cured, if she can really feel emotions again... what will happen?
Will she like Qi Jin? Will Qi Jin wait for her? What about the mission? What about the world?
These problems are like a tangled mess, impossible to unravel.
His phone vibrated again. Shi Ye thought it was Lin Xiaoyu again, but when he picked it up, it was Qi Jin.
"Are you asleep?" Qi Jin asked.
"Not yet," Shi replied.
"Are you tired today?"
"fine."
"Xiaoyu just called me."
Shi Ye's hand trembled, and the phone nearly fell to his face. Lin Xiaoyu called Qi Jin?! What did she say?! Could she have told Qi Jin everything she had just said?!
"What...did she say?" Shi Ye asked cautiously.
"Tell me you promised to go to the hospital tomorrow," Qi Jin replied. "Do you need me to go with you?"
Shi Ye was stunned. Lin Xiaoyu only said this? She didn't mention depression? She didn't mention anything about relationships?
“No need…” she replied, “Xiaoyu can come with me.”
"Okay," Qi Jin said. "Let me know if you need anything."
Shi Ye stared at the message and suddenly wanted to ask: Qi Jin, if I can never be cured and never feel emotions again, will you still wait for me?
But she didn't ask. If she had, Qi Jin's answer would definitely have been "yes." And then she would have felt even more guilty.
“Qi Jin,” she typed, “if… I mean if, I really can’t cure him, what will you do?”
This time, Qi Jin took a long time to reply: "Then it can't be cured. It's okay."
“How can it be no problem?” Shi Ye asked. “You’ll keep waiting for someone who can’t give you a response.”
"Whether I wait or not is my choice," Qi Jin said. "Whether you respond or not is your freedom. These two things are not contradictory."
Shi Ye's nose stung again. Qi Jin was always like this, making the most serious words sound light and breezy.
“Qi Jin,” she said softly, “you deserve better.”
"You are the best." Qi Jin replied instantly.
Shi Ye's tears fell—it was another physiological reaction, but this time she didn't want to control them.
She cried for a long time, until her eyes were so swollen she couldn't open them. Qi Jin didn't send any more messages, just quietly stayed with her—even though they were separated by a screen, Shi Ye could feel it.
After she finished crying, she typed: "I'm going to sleep. Goodnight."
"Good night," Qi Jin replied. "Good luck tomorrow."
Shi Ye put down his phone, turned off the lights, and went to sleep.
But she couldn't sleep. Her mind was filled with Qi Jin's words, Lin Xiaoyu's words, and... her own confusion.
“System,” she said in the darkness, “what happens to the mission if I cure my depression?”
"The mission continues. Treatment for depression will not affect the execution of the mission."
“But if I could feel emotions,” Shi Ye asked, “would I still be willing to bring Qi Jin and Lin Xiaoyu together?”
"This issue involves emotional choices, which the system cannot predict."
Shi Ye smiled, a smile tinged with melancholy in the darkness. The system was always like this: rational, calm, like a machine devoid of emotion.
But she is not a machine. She is a person, a person with emotional disorders, but still a person.
Perhaps Lin Xiaoyu is right; she should seek treatment. Whatever the reason, at least... give herself a chance.
She closed her eyes and forced herself to sleep.
In her dream, she saw herself laughing, a genuine laugh, not an act. Qi Jin was watching her, laughing too. They walked hand in hand in the sunlight.
Then she woke up.
It was still dark. She glanced at the time; it was three in the morning.
She sat up, turned on the bedside lamp, and picked up her phone. The screen showed her chat history with Qi Jin, the last sentence of which was Qi Jin saying, "Good luck tomorrow."
She stared at those three words for a long time.
Then she opened her browser and searched for "depression treatment." A lot of information popped up: medication, psychotherapy, physical therapy…
She read through them one by one until her eyes ached.
She turned off her phone and lay back down.
She's going to see a doctor tomorrow.
Tomorrow, she will begin her treatment.
Tomorrow...may be different.
Maybe not.
But at least, she's going to give it a try.
She closed her eyes, and this time, she really fell asleep.
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