Are you not afraid of losing in order to have something?
610.
I asked An Jin if he had any plans to pursue a master's degree, and he said no. He just wanted to do an internship in his senior year and get a full-time job as soon as possible after graduation.
I made him a string of wind chimes with shells I'd found—lots of them, broken pieces, and imperfect. Every year I asked him when his birthday was, but he always changed the subject.
"Where did you live before?"
"When I was little?"
"Yes, when I was a kid."
"No. 29 Xixiang Road."
"Where will you live from now on?"
"Rent a cheaper one near the hospital."
"Aren't you planning to do an internship in the provincial capital?"
"Wulin City is better, I'm more familiar with it."
So, during my junior year, I was in the provincial capital, and he went to Wulin. Sometimes, when he was so busy, he wouldn't even come to see me for an entire semester. I missed everything that happened in the apartment, but I also understood his approach to work, realizing that he had more things he couldn't control, more things he couldn't let go of.
611.
His job has reduced his choices of fruits and brought more taboos.
Mangoes are out, as they sound unlucky; dragon fruit is also out, as it represents prosperity; strawberries and pineapples are out, and cherries should be avoided as well. On the other hand, apples are okay, as they symbolize peace; blueberries are also good, as they ward off bad luck...
"Do you believe this?" I asked him.
"I have to believe it." He smiled bitterly.
Sometimes I have to buy a lot of little ducks and put them in the work area to press them down.
612.
No time to love me, no time to write letters. It was as if every patient was more important than me and I was just a partner in name only.
We had another big fight over this, during my internship. He asked me where I wanted to go in the future, and I said I'd decide after I got my certification. He then urged me to stay in the provincial capital, and I asked him why he was so reluctant to be with me, in the same place?
A few days before I moved out of the apartment, he came over because I'd said we should separate for a while, maybe you'd be better off without me. He came to me, wanting to explain things to me in person, and then he burst into tears. He hugged me before I closed the door.
613.
Hearing him crying behind me is like listening to a chaotic rain.
614.
To the sound of rain, I recounted the unfinished business between us. Making amends is always unconditional. Just like when I asked him why he took so many part-time jobs, why he worked so hard and saved so desperately, he said it was so we could travel together in the future.
When I have time, I don't have money; when I have money, I don't have time. Most things in the world face this dilemma, but I wonder why he is holding back when there is no threshold for us to get together.
615.
The tears I shed that day were enough to soften my heart. I promised him it wouldn't happen again. Was it because I kept saying it was the last time, and always giving in, that he felt there was nothing to fear in the end? As long as he admitted his mistake with tears, the next time would become the last time. Whoever compromised more would bear the consequences of leaving without saying goodbye.
616.
Wednesday night at 7 p.m.
Hengfeng Airport.
After receiving these two text messages, I thought An Jin had finally bought the plane ticket. That is until my aunt took the bouquet from my hand and asked why I had become such a gentleman. It was all because of the new number.
An Jin often changes his phone number because he often forgets to pay his bills, and if he's in arrears for too long, he'll get a new one. But I've been using the same number my aunt got me for years. He can always contact me no matter how he changes his number. I can't change it; I can't let him lose track of me.
"If it weren't for the color of your eyes, I really wouldn't recognize you." She was also wearing sunglasses, and the profile of her face was extremely similar to Anna's.
"Shall we find a place to eat? Are you trying to convince me to go back this time?"
"Yes, I've eaten. Take me to your place."
617.
Most of my belongings in the apartment have been packed up and are ready to be sent back to Wulin City. I've found a new house in Sanfu District and will be moving in a few days.
"You'll graduate next June, baby. Are you planning to stay here forever?" Wendy looked around and could tell that she was not satisfied with my life.
"right."
"Come back with me, there will be happier things waiting for you."
"Does everything include Anna?" Of course not. If not, it cannot be called happier.
"I thought you had grown up."
"I've grown up."
"When you grow up, you should let it go."
"Why don't you ask me why I'm staying?"
"The reason is not important. I can't leave you here alone. Do you know how much effort I put into seeing you? My dear, no one else is looking for you now. You are free. You are safe. There will never be a better opportunity than now."
"I'm in love."
"The one you can't let go of is just a girl?"
"boy."
Wendy took a deep breath, took off her sunglasses, and then looked up at me. Her expression was full of confusion, and she said to me softly,
"You're an adult, I can't control you. As a family, I accept everything about you. Unfortunately, you never accept my arrangements, even when I mean well. You never choose me, not even once. You don't have to go back. Today will be the last time we see each other. I will move away, to a place where you can't find me. Are you not afraid of losing in order to have something?"
"Is there anything more terrifying than losing your childhood?" I laughed.
"Have you taken any medicine recently?"
"I stopped taking the medicine a long time ago."
"Anna has one advantage that you don't have. She knows to take medicine when she's sick. I'm worried about your condition."
"What are you worried about?"
"I'm worried about you much more than she is, but you don't know it."
"You worry too much, aunt."
"That's better. You're sure you won't leave, right?"
"right."
"There's a price to pay for being stubborn."
“…”
"If Xiaoyu asks me again how my brother is doing recently, I will tell her that my brother died of illness. What do you think?"
"I feel good."
"Goodbye, Weppa."
Before leaving, she frowned at me and reached out to touch my cheek. The sound of her high heels was very decisive and disappeared at the end of the corridor.
618.
I wanted to call An Jin, but my phone wasn't in my coat pocket. Someone must have taken it while I was waiting at the airport.
Cutting off from the past, the price has just begun.
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