On the way
386.
Qiu Yang didn't follow me, he was just on his way to cram school.
Before the door closed, An Jin stood silently at the door. It was as if he wouldn't answer any of my questions. I asked him where he lived, but he didn't respond. I asked him why he didn't try a different approach, or distance himself from me, to a safe distance for both of us. Still no answer. Finally, I asked him how long he was going to follow me, and he trembled like a cold wind.
I thought this was too difficult to communicate. After thinking about it, I thought of a way to make him leave on his own initiative - say good night.
387.
So this is what he wanted. Then what was the purpose of changing the phone cards before?
388.
I've never been in a relationship, so I don't know the exact steps involved, but my intuition tells me that An Jin's approach is flawed. Troubles don't arise overnight, nor do they disappear overnight. At school, outside of class time, I can't help but see him. He's standing in line behind me in the cafeteria, or in the shade, clutching a book with a torn cover.
Discover and be discovered, observe and be observed.
389.
We rarely looked at each other, but that didn't stop me from summarizing his habits. He always kept his head down when walking, remained silent when surrounded by others, and most of the time he forgot to zip up the outermost zipper of his backpack, leaving its gray edges stained with scattered smears of oil and ink. It looked like it had been with him for a long time.
390.
In March in Wulin City, I wore short sleeves, and he still wore a high-necked striped shirt, a mix of coffee and beige stripes, which hadn't changed. One night, before falling asleep, I wondered if his closet was filled with a row of identical clothes.
Mid-April? He put on a pair of glasses and followed me again, but at a much farther distance than before. He must be nearsighted, not presbyopic.
After May, the temperature suddenly soared, and most students chose to abandon their school uniform jackets. In a sea of colorful T-shirts and uniform pants, I could barely find him in the sea of personality. Maybe he'd given up, I thought. It was time to give up, too. Next semester, I'd be a sophomore and he'd be a junior. How would we have the time to keep up?
391.
Before the finals, Qiu Yang came to my class and talked to me about a class reunion. Another reunion, I was overwhelmed and said I didn't want to join. He also told me that Yu Xinxin said I was looking around all the time and I didn't know what I was looking at.
"Is Yu Xinxin very familiar with you?" I asked Qiu Yang.
"I'm not familiar with him, but I'll talk to him if I meet him."
"Then when you meet me, can you not talk to me?"
"The internet cafe has a new owner."
"What internet cafe?"
"The one we used to go to in junior high has changed owners. So your 'winter' is gone."
I didn't know what to say or what to recall. I leaned against the wall in the corridor and sighed.
"No, then no, it's so hot here anyway."
"When you first moved to the island, you complained about the heat all the time. Less than a year after coming to high school, you came back to the island and you complained about the heat again."
"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to."
"Why do you and Xu Jiaheng always have things to talk about, but you and I are always impatient?"
"Because you are not Xu Jiaheng."
"So?"
"right."
"How long has it been since you last contacted each other? He didn't invite you to his birthday party this year, did he?"
"It doesn't matter whether you invite me or not. A birthday just makes you one year older." What do you want to say?
392.
He sighed, too, and I thought our conversation was over. Just as I was about to head back to the classroom, he grabbed me again. My left and right shoulders, along with my schoolbag, were already numb from this action.
I turned around and saw An Jin standing at the end of the corridor, next to the sink. Even with his head lowered, I could still see his anger.
"I find you weird." Qiu Yang spoke again and I looked away.
"I'm half as weird as you?"
He smiled, looked in the direction I was looking, and said,
"You're easily angered, or rather, you harbor a lot of unnamed hatred. You'll hate me no matter what I do, but you won't hate Xu Jiaheng no matter what he does. But your hatred is conditional. When you need me, you won't hate me temporarily and will talk to me with a smile. When you don't need me, you'll hate me again. Right?"
"Did I smile at you?"
"I laughed once, on the track and field."
This conversation was pointless. I looked at my watch. I had no idea it had broken down, and the hands weren't moving. I told Qiu Yang it was getting late and asked him to stop standing there discussing how many times and how long to laugh. Back in class, I took the watch off and threw it in the trash.
393.
During the exam, I was dazed again, this time not on purpose. With just over ten minutes left, I hurriedly wrote down my name and student ID number. The remaining blanks were mocking me:
Can't keep up, you can't keep up.
You are not smart, you have forgotten everything.
The bell rang. I stood up and walked out of the exam room, and saw An Jin who had handed in his paper early.
394.
"I'm going home, where are you going?" I asked him.
"I go wherever you go." He said it softly, but he looked up.
Behind me, we performed the same actions one after another, leaving the school gate, buying boat tickets, getting on and off the boat, and he was there every time I looked back.
"Where are you staying? You're not going to buy another ticket back tonight, are you?"
"Xixiang Road."
"That area was demolished a long time ago, where are the houses?"
"Before, I lived on Xixiang Road."
"No wonder."
"How many times have we met?" How many times did we meet before I found you?
"I won't tell you."
"You don't remember clearly?"
"I remember it clearly, so I won't tell you."
395.
"Do you know that you are weird?" I was really speechless, so I asked him the same question that Qiu Yang had asked.
"Know."
"I know you're still surprised?"
"I know everything about you."
"What's wrong? I don't know everything about myself. How do you know?"
"Anyway, I do. I know."
The sea breeze blew past, lifting his hair from his forehead, as if no longer allowing it to be hidden. Their true gaze lasted only a few seconds.
396.
Many years later, I wanted to recall how this happened. Unfortunately, I threw away the watch before it happened.
397.
"When did you stop liking Xu Jiaheng?" he asked me before getting off the boat. I pretended not to hear him. He asked again.
"I don't know." I really don't know.
"I know."
"You know now? You know everything?" I had to turn around if I wanted to talk to him.
"Know."
"Then tell me, when did I dislike Xu Jiaheng?" When I didn't know Xu Jiaheng.
"When you like me."
"There wasn't that time."
"have."
"No."
"have."
......
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