Red bean shaved ice
635.
"When was the last time we met?" The doorbell rang in the evening, I opened the door and saw Xu Jiaheng.
"Oh, that's a long time. Maybe when you were in your second or third year of high school?" He smiled.
"Are we going to talk here? Have you eaten yet?"
"We've eaten. How about taking a walk and talking? It's not so hot at night anymore."
I closed the door and walked side by side with him, walking through those familiar scenes like walking through my childhood, our childhood. He still remembered that I was afraid of the sun. He looked much fatter than he had been a few years ago, the only thing that remained unchanged was the dimples on his cheeks, which appeared whenever he smiled.
636.
We walked to the beach, the scenery was stunning, but no one broke the silence. Hometown, old friends, the atmosphere was awkward even though it shouldn't have been. After a long time, he asked me,
"How have you been these past few years?"
"It's fine." I took a deep breath and said.
"Who are you looking for?"
"Ex-boyfriend." I originally wanted to say boyfriend, but I wasn't sure if An Jin's disappearance like this counted as a breakup.
"...Oh, where is he from?"
"He's just like you, but I can't find him. He used to be in Dead Leaf, and he went to No. 1 High School in high school."
"Well, then you should ask Qiu Yang. I think there's hope you can find him."
"OK."
"How long have you been talking?"
"It's been almost five years, including this year. No, more than five years."
"Break up suddenly?"
"It was quite sudden." I smiled helplessly.
"Hour."
"Um?"
"I have something to tell you."
"you say."
637.
He said it would be best to talk indoors, so we headed back the way we'd come. Inside, he stood by the dining table and sighed, saying it felt like the house hadn't changed much at all, that standing here was like resetting time and space.
"When I first came to your house, you weren't as arrogant as this." He looked around.
"Yes, please sit down first. Do you want some water?"
"No, no need to be so polite."
"Yeah." I put down the cup and sat opposite him.
"After we moved, the small shop closed down, so I tried not to go back to the island. There were so many things I thought I'd forgotten, but then I came back and... it all came back to me."
"Well, what were you trying to say?"
He touched his chin and said he would drink a glass of water because he felt like he would cry soon. I took a glass of hot water and put it next to him, saying don't cry. He took a sip and continued,
"I'm not the person you think I am. I'm sorry, I don't know how to say it. I've been thinking about it all the time, but when I want to say it, I find that I still don't know how to say it. In short, I'm not as good as you think. So I'm sorry, I actually have many shortcomings, but you don't know them."
"It doesn't matter." Actually, I know, Qiu Yang has told me.
"You've helped me a lot, including with that watch. But I don't want to talk about money or material things today. I'm not a good friend. If I were, I wouldn't have deliberately distanced myself from you in the years that followed. Although I didn't say it, I believe you felt it."
"Well, good friends don't care about these things. You said this before." I also believed that you were competent. When I had long hair, you wanted to protect me.
"Time goes by so fast," he cried.
This was the second time I'd seen him cry. The first time was when he was beaten by Aunt Xu after returning from a concert. I stood up to get a tissue, but he told me not to leave and sat down to listen.
638.
Last time you cried, I wiped your wounds. This time your eyes are red, are they wounds caused by time?
639.
"I know there's a gap between us, and there are some things I don't want to talk about. I'll just say what I want to say, okay?"
"Can."
"I'm not distancing myself from you just because I know who you like."
This is a polite and decent way of putting it.
"Why is that?" I asked.
Xu Jiaheng lowered his head, his emotions fluctuating. After a long while, he spoke.
"After we moved, we lived in the same neighborhood. I ran into you many times. One time, I wanted to say hello to you, but I realized you were talking to someone. At first, I thought you were on the phone. When I got closer, I realized you weren't, you were talking to yourself. I didn't know who you were talking to, you were clearly alone. I was a little scared at the time. So I decided to distance myself from you... I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."
"It's okay." Really.
"But I didn't tell anyone about this, not even Qiu Yang. It was actually my fault. Back in junior high, the day your mother left you, you were in a daze for hours... I kept calling your name, but you didn't respond. Later, I thought you were okay. I really thought you would be okay."
His tears kept falling and I couldn't seem to stop them.
640.
"Hour."
"Hmm? If that's all you want to say, you don't have to cry." You know I won't be mad at you, from the past.
"I'm trying to escape more than that."
"Um."
"I don't like Li Enhui."
"I know."
"you do not know."
"I know, Qiu Yang told me a long time ago, I think this matter can..." There is no need to emphasize.
"Do you think I'm particularly hypocritical?" he interrupted me.
"No."
"Do you think I'm torturing you by asking you to write a love letter even though I clearly don't like Li Enhui? Do you think I haven't changed my online name for all these years because I'm putting on a show?"
"I don't think you are hypocritical, Dongdong." You who shed tears in front of me, you who took a step back, and you who took the initiative to contact me are not hypocritical.
"I really don't like red bean shaved ice that much. I like berries just like Qiu Yang. I just really miss the person who ate red bean shaved ice with me. I've missed him for a long time."
There was a strange, misplaced feeling in this atmosphere. It was warm, but it was too late for me to handle. I didn't say anything. If I did, he would notice that I wanted to cry.
641.
Xu Jiaheng seemed tired of crying, or as if he couldn't accept that he was in his twenties and still crying like this, so he turned his head to the side and stopped looking at me. He continued,
"Qiu Yang likes you, I knew it a long time ago."
"At first, I had no idea what love meant. I thought, if you two liked each other, that would be great. Everyone would be happy."
"Every time I reject you forcefully, I feel like I'm right."
"At that time, I didn't understand how much you meant to me. Of course, it's no use understanding you now."
"I never hated you. I only hated my own cowardice."
"There are many ways to escape, including having a girlfriend."
"You don't understand my contradiction. If I were to be with you, I definitely wouldn't want to. But if you were to be with someone else, I wouldn't be too happy about it either. I don't understand it, but this contradiction has been tormenting me, all the time."
"Do you know what is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me?"
He asked me to answer this question, but I didn't know and remained silent.
"That's right, when you don't know what you've missed, you've missed it first."
"The most painful."
"Always."
“So I won’t go back to this island either.”
"But I also won't stop missing you."
“That’s the pain.”
642.
If Qiu Yang also appeared in my living room at this time, he would probably be very confused and would want to know what had happened that made two people cry like this.
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