Rambling thoughts, year after year
I'm gay.
...
Yeah?
Lying on my back in bed, it's 6:30 in the morning, I toss and turn, unable to fall asleep, repeatedly asking myself this question, trying to find the answer.
This week, Su Yu has been as kind to me as ever. It's not a matter of whether we're close or not; we're in different courses anyway, so we rarely have time to meet.
On Saturday, none of my roommates were in the dorm.
I don't like men, at least not at the moment. But Su Yu is a man, so I like men.
The natural progression of our relationship over the years surprised me with its objective and realistic aspects, not to mention that those around us who knew about it didn't show any unusual opinions about us.
Hey bro, wanna go for a walk around the track with me tonight?
:OK
I took the time to tidy myself up, making sure my clothes were neat and sharp, and waited for Su Yu to message me saying he was downstairs before leisurely heading out.
As I passed the mirror of the fire hydrant in the corridor, I stopped to look at myself.
Are gay men more handsome than regular men?
I couldn't help but think that.
Su Yu was sitting by the flower bed, holding the school's kitten. When he saw me, he tried to get up but couldn't move because the fat cat was pressing down on his lap.
I crouched down to look at the kitten, and Su scratched its head with her hand. I took out my phone to take a picture of the two of us.
"Let's rent a place next year and get a cat," Su Yu said, her gaze fixed on my eyes.
"Have you looked at this area? Do Mom and Dad approve?"
"No need to tell them, I'll have enough money by this time next year..."
"Su Yu, I really can support you on my own now."
The big fat cat probably felt like it was going to become a third wheel, so it stretched and got up, leaving paw prints on my brother's leg.
I took a few more pictures.
I pulled him along and headed towards the cafeteria; he definitely hadn't eaten.
"I'm not eating, you eat it."
Have you eaten?
"I need to lose weight, I can't eat like this."
He pinched the flesh around his waist and said he wished it could be removed.
"Don't worry, brother. Your fat is all in the right places. Besides, you're not fat at all."
"no."
"elder brother……"
"no."
I couldn't resist his insistence, so I ordered a bowl of beef rice for myself. Su Yu sat across from me playing on his phone. I slowed down, and he kept secretly glancing at the rice in my bowl.
So when he was staring at his phone again, I scooped up a spoonful of mixed meat and vegetables and held it in front of him. When he looked at me again, he was startled.
"Eat up, bro, you're not fat at all."
Su Yu opened her mouth and ate it.
Later, he really managed to resist eating only that one bite. When we went to the playground, many people were walking or running there, and some even gathered together to play games.
People running on campus whizzed past, and the crowd was already ahead of us. Suddenly, I asked Su Yu, "Are you gay?"
After saying that, I felt inexplicably embarrassed. I looked up at the dark night sky, but there wasn't a single star or moon.
Su Yu turned to look at me, frowned to indicate what the problem was, and when he saw that I wasn't looking at him, he lowered his head to think.
Why would anyone choose the outer track when running?
I pulled Su Yu aside and secretly glanced at him through my nostrils.
His face turned bright red... his expression was full of embarrassment.
"I...I didn't mean anything else. It's just that last time we went to that bar, you told that guy you weren't a guy, but we're both guys, even though we're not officially together yet...Anyway, I didn't have any other thoughts."
What did I say again?
"I... no way, it's just that you happen to be a boy."
Tonight's walk was unusually long; I saw a man in slippers with an apple-shaped hairstyle run past us three times in a row.
After leaving the playground, we noticed that some roads in the school didn't even have streetlights. We chatted casually for a while and then sat down on a bench to rest.
Su Yu took out her phone and exclaimed in surprise, "Ah!"
It turns out he found me through someone else's post, but that's okay, it's not like he hasn't found me before. The difference this time is that I was also there.
High-definition (HD)
It was the scene where I, in a dashing and domineering manner, placed the spoon in front of Su Yu and waited for him to eat.
The image reveals a larger picture through a small detail.
The text and background music are extremely ambiguous.
Opening the comments section revealed even more unexpected photos.
But they both looked normal, like two good friends.
"Brother, I want a proper status." As I read through the list, I blurted out those words without thinking.
"Is this what you think when you see these things?"
He didn't answer me directly. It was quiet all around, with the occasional unfamiliar teacher passing by with a bag. All that was left was the wind and the night.
Su Yu received a collaboration invitation from an advertiser and started chatting with them, but she was afraid of leaving me out, so she kept glancing at me for a moment.
Later we all went home, and the class was so uneventful that it couldn't even compare to the most mundane class.
...
During the busy final week, I truly witnessed the nature of humanity. Everyone claimed they hadn't reviewed, yet they were all burying themselves in self-study.
The more tense the moment, the less motivated I feel; my mind is overwhelmed with thoughts.
Fortunately, we got through the crisis safely, but there's still some time before the holiday.
It's winter again...
A group photo popped up in the album; it was a Polaroid photo of Su Yu and me taken back in high school.
It says "On this day in that year" on it.
The pristine white snow covered everything outside the balcony. It was such a beautiful, clear winter. University life wasn't as exciting as I had imagined.
The dorm room was warm and cozy. My roommates were either playing games or flirting with their partners. I sat on a bench, not knowing what to do.
Looking at every corner of the table that I had gradually filled up, there was very little trace of Su Yu, and a feeling of fear suddenly rose in my heart.
There was no time to force myself to write new poems or feign sorrow, because of the earthquake.
The tremor was so strong that I jumped up, only to see those idiots still passionately chatting online.
A few moments later, there were more "Holy crap" exclamations, as the class group chat started discussing the earthquake.
I looked out onto the balcony and saw that a large number of people had already gathered downstairs. The four of us then went downstairs as well.
When I got downstairs and opened WeChat, it was still spinning, waiting to receive a message.
I picked up the big, fat cat, and it obediently nestled on my shoulder. I don't know if it was genuinely well-behaved or just too chubby to move.
My phone finally, finally received a message... The first one was a "deadly 30-hit combo" from Su Yu. By the time I finished reading it, someone had already rushed into my arms.
I was just about to yell at that blind man who didn't see me holding the baby when I saw the baby's mother, wearing a fluffy pajama, bump into the baby's father in a hurry.
Okay.
I picked up the fat cat and handed it to Su Yu. He took it and looked at it and petted it, but suddenly seemed to freeze up and put the cat down to look at me.
"I've sent you so many messages and you haven't replied. I don't even know what you've been busy with during the earthquake."
"The phone didn't turn out properly. I was the first to realize it and went downstairs without hesitation."
Su pulled me to a more open area. Since the first tremor, there had been three consecutive tremors. Since each one was only noticeable and didn't cause any actual harm, the people who came downstairs like us were probably just there to watch the spectacle.
Su took off his coat and put it on me, telling me that he was sitting quietly on the bench when suddenly there was a vibration, and that no one around him made a sound.
"It would be such a waste if we died like this, brother. I'll be your brother in the next life."
"What are you saying? You're not allowed to die. Live well."
As she walked, a wave of sadness welled up inside her. Su Yu was still rambling on and on. A bitter feeling surged from the bottom of her heart to the tip of her nose, and then turned into large tears rolling down her cheeks.
When Su Yu saw that I didn't say anything, she turned around and saw that I was crying my eyes out.
"Why did you suddenly start crying without saying a word? Were you frightened?"
He walked up to me, and I kept my head down, refusing to look up, shrugging my shoulders like a primary school student.
Yes, it would be so heartbreaking if they really died like that.
This was the first time in my life I had ever cried so hard. Su Yu just held me and patted my back.
"Cry, cry, and after you're done crying, your brother will give you fresh water."
I buried my head in the crook of his neck, while people kilometers away celebrated the small ripples in their ordinary lives. Su Yu held her weeping brother on the edge of a desolate place.
I couldn't cry anymore. Su Yu buttoned up the coat I was wearing, took out a tissue from her pocket, and put it on my nose, telling me to cry harder.
He put the used tissue back into his pocket and took out a new one to wipe my tears.
He inserted his fingers one by one between my fingers, squeezing out all the air. The calm after the noise was what left the deepest impression.
"I was there the day your parents brought you home. It was so cold that day. My mom was holding me when my fever had just broken."
"You were sleeping sweetly with your eyes closed, and Daddy was holding the medicine he had prescribed. Seeing how small you were, my heart just melted..."
"Mom said it was freezing and she wasn't getting on the bus, she wanted to stay here. She looked over there and saw you too. She couldn't take it anymore, she looked left and right but couldn't see your parents, so she made eye contact with Dad..."
"Another little life has arrived in our family."
“Naming you is a big deal, but they are really not very educated. My name was also found by looking it up in the dictionary. So they took out the dictionary to look it up again, and they happened to see a broken flower petal tucked in the page with your name, and the tip of the flower was pointing to the character ‘喻’.”
Su wanted to lean closer to me.
"So the two young, clever guys locked eyes, and that's how you got a name."
"Then I had a younger brother."
I started crying again, and Su Yu saw it but still didn't stop me.
“We grew up together. Mom said you were the younger brother and I was the older brother. I don’t understand what those two words mean. But you like to look at me with the cutest and clearest eyes in the world. You like to pick me up from school with Mom or Dad. A few mornings you even wanted to take me home, but you couldn’t get up.”
“My mom has shown me videos that my dad sent her more than once. You either burst into tears or pout so much that you could hang an oil bottle on your lips, saying that I’m not waiting for you.”
“I think I started to like you from that moment on, and I like this cute and adorable little brother.”
"I didn't expect you to grow up so fast. You have your own friends, and you even have such fashionable friends behind my back. For a while, the way you look at me has started to be filled with a mist that I can't understand. I think you're growing up, and you're tired of playing with your brother, so you're going to find new friends to play new games with."
"But I still love you..."
“If Xiaoxing hadn’t been a good person back then, I definitely would have stopped you from playing with him.”
"...But I also want to thank him, and you too."
"On your birthday, Mom said that we are only one year apart in age. I hadn't even recovered yet, and you started playing the role of the older brother."
"You brat."
I was wrapped in a white fleece coat. Su Yu was a little shorter than me, so the coat made me look like a bulging rice ball.
"You asked me that day if I was gay."
"I think……"
"No, I just like you."
“I can’t give you a definite future right now. We haven’t been out there yet, and I haven’t been in touch with you much since school started. I want to give you more opportunities to see the world beyond me.”
"If there are better people around you, regardless of gender, Su Yu, I will be happy for you."
"You have my whole world, and I will always prepare a wilderness for you..."
"There are blue skies and white clouds, babbling brooks, and birds singing and flowers blooming."
"Because I love you, I hope you can only look at me. And because I love you, I should give you the sky and the sea, just like my parents."
"If today's earthquake is really big enough to kill us, Su Yu, then we will truly love each other for a lifetime."
I looked at Su Yu, whose eyes were moist, and he took a deep breath to conclude his statement.
"I want you to live longer, so long that you lose interest in the world and then come back to keep me company."
That night, Su Yu and I officially got together.
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