impulse
Ping An slept for most of the day before slowly waking up. The first person she saw after opening her eyes was Cui Shenzhi, who was staring at her intently, followed by Qingya, who was holding a child beside her.
She composed herself and asked weakly, "How am I? How is the baby?"
"Everything is fine, you and the child are both fine."
Cui Shenzhi gently helped Ping An up, letting her sit against him, while Qingya held the child in front of Ping An.
Looking at the child's wrinkled little face, Ping An felt a little disgusted.
"It's so ugly..."
“No, I think it looks great,” Choi Shin-ji said with shining eyes. “Look at that nose, that mouth, it looks just like you.”
Ping An immediately threw a disgruntled look at him: "Nonsense, I'm not that ugly, I clearly look like you."
"Okay, like me, like me."
Qingya added with a smile, "She's so young, how can you tell anything? She'll grow out of it in a few days."
“That would be best,” Ping An’s tone was still full of disdain: “By the way, is she a prince or a princess?”
"It is the princess, it is our Youyi, Pei Youyi."
“Princess…” Ping An sighed, “It’s alright, it’s alright that she’s my child. If she can’t get married, she can find male concubines. Otherwise, she would be so lonely in the future.”
Qingya's hands itched a little, wanting to tap Ping An on the head, but seeing Ping An's weak appearance, she couldn't bring herself to do it, and could only let out a heavy "humph".
"What nonsense are you spouting now that you're a mother? What male concubines or anything like that?"
"I didn't say anything wrong. She is my daughter with Shenzhi. She was born into a high position. It's not normal for her to have male concubines."
Qingya's hands itched even more, but after looking at Ping An's still haggard face, she couldn't bring herself to do it.
*****
After Qingya left, the young couple worked together to make Pei Youyi, who was only one day old, cry. They then hurriedly handed her over to the wet nurse, and after the wet nurse calmed her down, they took her back and continued to make her cry. This cycle repeated until late at night.
Ping An thought Cui Shenzhi would leave, after all, she had just given birth and her body smelled terrible. However, because she couldn't be exposed to drafts during her postpartum period, she couldn't even open the window. Under these circumstances, she felt smelly, let alone Cui Shenzhi.
But Cui Shenzhi didn't leave. He just quietly held Ping An in his arms, almost greedily savoring the fresh scent of Ping An.
Ping An noticed Cui Shenzhi's actions and nudged him with a look of fear.
"What are you doing? I'm covered in blood... When did you develop this fetish? I didn't know?"
Cui Shenzhi did not answer, but instead held Ping An and said with a hint of seriousness, "Ping An, there is something I want to discuss with you."
Ping An raised an eyebrow, somewhat suspicious that Cui Shenzhi might be considering taking a concubine. However, since she returned to the palace, Cui Shenzhi had almost never left her side, as if he wanted to tie her to his belt and follow her around. But then she felt that it didn't seem likely, so she perked up and said, "Go ahead and say it, I'm listening."
"I want Yu-yi to inherit our throne in the future."
“Okay,” Ping An said almost without hesitation.
—Because she didn't take it seriously at all.
“I’m serious,” Cui Shenzhi heard the indifference in Ping An’s words, sighed and continued, “Ping An, I regretted it when I saw how painful it was for you during childbirth. I want a child with our blood, but if it means risking your life for that child, I’d rather not have it. So I don’t want you to go through the pain of childbirth again.”
Ping An was a little confused; she hadn't expected that Cui Shenzhi's reason for doing this was actually her.
To be honest, she didn't really want to give birth anymore, because it was incredibly painful—the kind of pain that felt like it was tearing her in two—she'd probably never forget it for the rest of her life. But…
“Choi Shin-ji,” she said carefully, looking at the bite wound on Choi Shin-ji’s hand, “this is not easy.”
“I know, but where there’s a will, there’s a way. Empress Wu Zetian didn’t have the blood of the Li Tang family, yet she was able to sit on the throne. Why can’t our Youyi? Besides, although I took over the Cui family’s empire and directly changed dynasties, I am still considered a founding emperor. Isn’t one of the great privileges of a founding emperor that he can do whatever he wants?”
Ping An placed her hand on Cui Shenzhi's wound and nodded gently.
*****
Before she knew it, her postpartum confinement was over, and she reappeared in the court with her head held high.
The ministers felt a headache coming on when they saw her, but after glancing at Choi Shin-ji, they didn't know what to say.
For more than a year, they tried every means to place women in Cui Shenzhi's life, with women of all shapes and sizes, but Cui Shenzhi didn't even give them a glance. After court, he went straight to the Qianqing Palace, and even took the memorials to his bedchamber to review. He also slept in his bedchamber at night, never leaving Ping An's side.
After a while, the ministers gave up hope. It was fine that Choi Shin-ji had won over Ping An's heart. As long as he remained clear-headed in state affairs and did not allow Ping An to act recklessly, that was enough.
*****
After returning to the Qianqing Palace from court, Ping An went straight to the soft couch and pounced on it.
"I'm so tired. I've never felt this tired before. My back is so sore I can barely straighten up."
Cui Shenzhi smiled and stepped forward, massaging her lower back as he said, "Shall I ask Qi Kang to prepare two more back pillows for you?"
Ping An rolled her eyes.
"Why don't you just have Qi Kang move the soft couch over there? You can sit in front and attend court, while I lie down and sleep in the back. That would be reasonable."
Cui Shenzhi chuckled softly.
"Isn't that what you said? As long as things can be resolved, any way you attend court is fine."
Ping An was speechless, and reached out to tug at Cui Shenzhi's face.
Just then, a palace servant came to report that Lu Fengping was requesting an audience, and Ping An quickly sat up.
After Lu Fengping came in, he glanced at Ping An and handed the things in his hand to Cui Shenzhi.
"One needs to be taken for half a month, and the other needs to be drunk before sexual intercourse."
Upon hearing this, Ping An's curiosity was piqued, but she didn't really want to ask Lu Fengping, so she didn't speak up at the moment. Instead, she asked after Lu Fengping left.
"What kind of medicine is this? Why do I need to take it for half a month? Why do I need to drink it before having sex?"
Cui Shenzhi pulled Ping An into his arms and whispered in her ear, "These are the infertility and contraceptive drugs that I had Feng Ping develop for men."
Ping An was stunned.
"A contraceptive? A drug to prevent pregnancy? Why would you take this?"
Cui Shenzhi replied helplessly, "Ping An, have you forgotten? I said I don't want you to go through the pain of pregnancy and childbirth again. But whether I take an infertility drug to solve the problem once and for all, or use a contraceptive to have a long-term pregnancy, is up to you."
Ping An then remembered what Cui Shenzhi had told her after Pei Youyi was born. Cui Shenzhi hadn't mentioned it since then, and she had thought he was just saying it casually because he was frightened by the way she was giving birth. It turned out that Cui Shenzhi remembered it. So what Cui Shenzhi said was true? Did he really want their Youyi to inherit the throne?
Ping An turned her head to look at Cui Shenzhi, her eyes sparkling, but she didn't say anything. She just lightly pecked Cui Shenzhi on the cheek and then pushed him away.
"What are you saying in broad daylight? Go and review the memorials. Those things give me a headache. Don't expect me to help you."
Choi Shin-ji obediently did as he was told.
Ping An leaned against the wall, watching Cui Shenzhi intently revise the memorials. She reached out and gently pressed her lower abdomen, her eyes slowly drooping, lost in thought.
*****
Late at night, Ping An quietly crawled out of Cui Shenzhi's arms while he was fast asleep, put on her shoes, grabbed a cloak, and stepped out of the palace. She refused to be followed by the other palace servants and walked out with Qiu Yan.
Where to go?
Ping An didn't say.
Qiu Yan may have improved after spending a long time in the palace, or she may have come to understand Ping An better after spending so much time by her side. In any case, she felt something was wrong, so she quietly ordered someone to fetch Qing Ya before jogging to catch up with Ping An.
As Qiu Yan walked, she saw a familiar building.
Ping An took her back to the Cold Palace.
All of Cui Sugong's deposed concubines had already left, leaving Cui Shenzhi with only Ping An. It was late at night, so there were only a few palace servants in the Cold Palace. Upon seeing Ping An, they all knelt down on the ground, trembling.
Ping An ignored them and led Qiu Yan straight to the place where she and Qing Ya used to live.
A corner of a dilapidated palace.
The wooden plank that she and Qingya called their 'bed', where the mother and daughter had spent countless days and nights snuggling together, was now covered in dust. The wooden stool that she and Qingya often used as a table was long gone, now just a pile of broken wood. Only the chipped bowl lay quietly on the ground, its empty bowl filled with the memories of the past ten years.
She chuckled softly, turned and left the Cold Palace, then walked straight towards the Hall of Cultivating Character.
Just as she was about to step into the Hall of Cultivating Nature, Qingya pulled her back from behind.
"Ping An!" Qingya said breathlessly, "What are you going to do?"
Ping An turned around, and the emotions surging in his eyes made Qingya feel flustered.
“Mother,” Ping’an said softly, “Cui Sugong is still alive, but I don’t want him to continue living.”
"He killed Fu Yunjin, forced us to live a life of groveling in the cold palace for over a decade, turned me from a high-ranking princess into a rat in the gutter, left me with nothing, and forced me to depend on others for survival..."
"But His Majesty treats you very well," Qingya interrupted somewhat hastily.
“Yes, Shenzhi is very good to me, but Mother, I could have chosen not to depend on him!” Ping’an’s resentment grew stronger: “I could have been like Youyi, using my status as a princess to hold power in my hands, control my own destiny, and then decide whether or not to be with him, but Cui Sugong destroyed that possibility!”
"Nowadays, I can't see the people's livelihood, and I can't listen to government affairs. Even if Shen Zhi puts everything in front of me, I can't grasp anything!"
"Mother, I want Cui Sugong to pay the price!"
Qingya pursed her lips as she looked at the expression of grief and indignation on Ping An's face.
“That can’t be done by you. He is your biological father no matter what, and you can’t leave behind the infamy of patricide.”
After saying that, Qingya rushed into the Hall of Cultivating Nature, and then Cui Sugong's pleas for mercy and screams of agony came from inside.
Ping An had just finished her postpartum confinement and was not as mobile as before. When she went in, she only saw Cui Sugong lying on the ground with unfocused pupils, covered in wounds and bleeding profusely from his chest, and Qingya holding a hairpin that was dripping blood in her hand.
She quickly snatched the hairpin from Qingya's hand and threw it on the ground. While wiping the blood off Qingya's hands with her sleeve, she said in a low voice, "Are you crazy! I am Shen Zhi's wife, whom he has declared to the world that we will live and die together. Not long ago, I risked my life to give birth to Youyi for him. No matter what I do, he will protect me. You don't have such a life-saving charm!"
"Then don't protect me." Qingya's eyes were filled with fear, and her whole body trembled, but her voice was full of determination: "I should have done this long ago, whether for you or for Her Majesty, I should have killed him long ago..."
Ping An was about to say something when she heard a commotion outside the door. This was not something Qiu Yan could have caused. She quickly shielded Qing Ya behind her and kept her eyes fixed on the palace door.
The person who came in was indeed Choi Shin-ji.
Worried that Qingya might jump out, Ping An said firmly before Cui Shenzhi could speak, "I did it, it was me..."
“Think of danger,” Cui Shenzhi interrupted Ping An, “The last emperor of the previous dynasty fell ill with worry and died of illness. His posthumous title was ‘Li’ (厉).
Siwei responded and quickly led his men forward. While patching up the wound on Cui Sugong's chest, he led several people to clean up the mess in Yangxing Hall. Cui Shenzhi then stepped forward and took Ping An's hand.
“Aunt,” Cui Shenzhi said softly, “It’s late and the dew is heavy. Ping’an has only just finished her postpartum confinement. We’ll go back first. We can talk about everything tomorrow.”
Qingya nodded blankly, and Cui Shenzhi then led the still-dazed Ping An toward the Qianqing Palace's sleeping quarters.
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