Ling Yao extra
My name is Ling Yao, the radiant Yao.
This name is like an ironic curse, a lifelong curse that will never dispel the dark cloud in my bones. My life, from its very beginning, has been a mistake, a stain that needs to be hidden.
My mother, that beautiful, vain woman who lived her entire life in resentment, her greatest mistake was giving birth to me, and my deepest sin is my very existence. I remember when I was little, she would sometimes hug me tightly, saying I was her only hope, and sometimes she would push me away, calling me an inescapable burden, the disgust in her eyes clear. Did she love me? Perhaps, in her twisted way. But she loved even more the comfortable life that man could bring her, the "upper class" society she had fought so hard to enter. When I failed to become the bargaining chip that allowed her to enter that world, I became proof of her failure.
The surname "Ling" is both a gift and a constant reminder—a reminder that I'm just a sideline child, a bastard whose father never attends parent-teacher conferences. The man I should call my father, his indifference, hurts more than a mother's resentment. He gives me money and satisfies my material needs, yet never even glances at me. My so-called "brother" looks at me as if I've accidentally touched something dirty.
So, from a young age, I knew I had to work harder, be more outstanding, and shine brighter than others. I had to stand tall enough, high enough to compel my family to notice me, high enough to make my mother proud, high enough to mask the shame of my background. I wanted so much love and so much recognition, enough to fill the huge, cold black hole in my heart.
Then, I met Su Rui.
He was like a faint yet warm ray of light, illuminating my dark and depressing youth. He was so pure, so innocent, his eyes filled with unconditional admiration and affection. To him, I wasn't the "illegitimate child of the Ling family," I was simply Ling Yao. He remembered all my preferences, would silently rub my forehead when I was tired, and would worry for hours over even a careless complaint.
The love he gave me was a selfless warmth unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I greedily clung to it like a drowning man grasping at driftwood. I couldn't live without him.
But the more you cherish it, the more afraid you become.
I was afraid he'd know the ugliness behind my glamorous appearance. I was afraid he'd see how humble and twisted I truly was, and leave me like everyone else, loathe me like my mother did. How could I let him know that the glittering Ling Yao in his eyes was actually a festering swamp at heart?
I had to hide him. On the one hand, it was my idol status that forced me to do so; on the other, it was my ridiculous and pathetic self-esteem that was at work—until I had achieved enough to be considered "successful," until I had completely shed the shadow of my upbringing, I couldn't face him with my true, complete self. I naively believed that once I stood high enough, high enough to control everything, I would be able to open up to him and make amends.
But I was wrong. I was so used to having him, so used to his waiting and obedience, that I ignored his feelings. I used him as a pressure relief valve in my high-pressure life, venting all my negative emotions, insecurities, and control urges on the person who would never leave me. In high school, when I was nice to him behind people's backs, it was a genuine dependence; when I belittled him in public, it was a ridiculous attempt to maintain a vain, self-deceiving "face," as if this would prove that I, Ling Yao, didn't need him, that I was still the one in control.
I watched him feel sad for me, watched him deceive himself, watched him forgive me again and again. I even felt secretly proud of it. Look, he loves me so much, he will never leave me no matter what happens.
Shen Qingyuan's appearance made me panic. Su Rui's concentration as she watched his camera, the natural tacit understanding between them, made me jealous. The "magic picture" Su Rui took of him was like a thorn in my heart, not because it was bad, but because it was so good, so good that it made me feel that another light had appeared in Su Rui's world that might illuminate him, and this light had nothing to do with me.
When our relationship was nearly exposed, I instinctively chose to protect myself. When the company proposed that plan, I hesitated, but only for a moment. The fear of career ruin overwhelmed everything. I told myself it was necessary, for our future. I even had the absurd thought that since Su Rui loved me so much, he would understand and wait for me.
Until he left so decisively and sentenced me to death with that text message.
Then I suddenly realized what I had lost.
I frantically contacted him, wanting to apologize, to make amends, to draw him back to me like we used to. But his silence was like an icy wall. Then, my background was exposed, a story that sent me into complete hell.
Truth will eventually come to light. My illegitimate status was finally revealed, and the secret I most hated to be told was shared with everyone. My mother's phone call was the final straw. In the eyes of my loved ones, my very existence was a mistake, a shame. Everything I had strived for—recognition, success, love—became a hollow mockery in that moment.
I didn't want to go anywhere, I just wanted to return to the place that once held all my fantasies about "home" and "future." The house where I thought I would finally be able to live with him openly.
The water was warm, like the warmth of his first embrace.
I clutched the amulet tightly. It was his original, purest love, the purest thing I'd ever received in my life. But, sadly, I had stained it.
I held it against my chest, as if that would bring me closer to the warmth.
What was I thinking as I was sinking?
Perhaps he was thinking, if I could muster up the courage earlier, tear off all the disguises, and show him the real, unbearable Ling Yao in his entirety, would the ending be different?
Maybe I am regretting why I always give my worst temper to the person who loves me the most.
Or maybe I'm simply exhausted. I've been fighting this battle of chasing the light and covering the shadows for over twenty years, and it's exhausting.
I'm sorry, Ruirui.
In the end, I messed up everything.
Perhaps from the very beginning, I shouldn't have been chasing the light that didn't belong to me in this unexpected life.
Sorry, I got the amulet you gave me wet.
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