Su Rui extra
I once thought that I fell in love with the sun.
So dazzling, so blazing, it was enough to illuminate my barren, gray youth. Ling Yao's appearance was like a ray of light suddenly piercing the haze of my world. He possessed everything I longed for: confidence, radiance, attention, and an almost unruly vitality. Like a plant drawn to the light, I involuntarily gravitated toward him, greedily absorbing his warmth and brightness.
I know we're different. He's a child of destiny, while I'm just a nobody. So when he privately displays that rare reliance and tenderness towards me, I'm flattered, even humbled. I see it as a unique gift from him.
Yes, I sensed the distortion in our relationship even in high school. The pampering behind my back, the devaluation in public—that dichotomy of treatment—was like a thorn in my heart. But I was desperately lacking love. Coming from a shattered family, I had a morbid craving for warmth and a very low threshold for it. I fabricated countless excuses: "He's under too much pressure," "He needs me," "He's not a bad person"... I used his occasional sweet gestures to numb the accumulated pain.
I was lost in the secret world he'd created, just him and me. I thought it was proof of love. I even mistook that fearful, shadowy state for a tragic yet romantic sense of fate. See, only I knew the real him, only I could soothe his insecurities. This feeling of being needed was addictive.
I worked my way up, learning photography and working my ass off. Partly because I wanted to be closer to him, and partly, perhaps subconsciously, because I was trying to build up the confidence to leave. But that confidence was always shattered by his occasional gentleness and his promise to "wait until we go public."
It wasn't until that missed birthday date, and the frame-up against Shen Qingyuan and me that he tacitly approved, that I finally saw clearly that in his life priorities, I was always at the bottom, and could be sacrificed at any time for something more important.
The words "Ling Yao, let's break up" were the choice I made for myself with all my strength. The moment we parted ways, the pain was heartbreaking, but also brought a kind of almost cruel clarity.
Later, it was Qingyuan.
He was like a calm, deep ocean. His kindness was gentle, inclusive, and without predatory or conditional demands. He showed up when I was at my most vulnerable, without words, simply telling me with his actions: I'm here, you're safe.
He respected my wounds and never rushed to fill them. His very presence was healing. With him, I didn't need to pretend, worry, or deceive myself. The ease and peace I felt were unlike anything I'd ever experienced.
Just when I thought life was finally moving towards new possibilities, the bad news about Ling Yao came.
The emotions at that moment were so complex they were difficult to describe. There was neither the relief I'd imagined nor the intense sadness, but rather a vast, empty, dull ache. For those years of my youth, for the man I once truly loved, and for his resolute and tragic end.
Flying to Jeju Island was instinctive. I wanted to return to the place where the story seemed to have just begun and say goodbye.
The oranges were sweet, but when I ate them, all I could feel was a heartbreaking bitterness. Tears kept flowing, not for the man I was with now, but perhaps for the memory of the young boy Ling Yao, who had smiled under the orange tree with a hint of clumsiness and shyness.
The real him may have long been swallowed up by his origins, his family, his desires, and this deformed world. What I love may just be all the imagination of light and warmth that I project onto him.
Now, the sun has set.
I finally understood that I shouldn't just be a plant chasing the light. I can also be my own light, illuminating my own path with warmth and stability.
Qingyuan asked me what my future plans were. I said I wanted to hold an independent photography exhibition, perhaps with the theme of "Breakdown and Rebirth."
I will continue to shoot, using my lens to tell stories and capture real emotions - whether they are sweet or painful.
Goodbye, Ling Yao. Goodbye, the one I once loved deeply.
Su Rui, who once lived for the light, also remained in the past.
Now I have to learn to be my own sun.
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