The last one
The March breeze, still tinged with the chill of winter, felt like fine sandpaper rubbing against my face. It didn't hurt, but it made my heart ache. Li Huaizhou, carrying a half-worn backpack, walked leisurely down the hallway of the teaching building. Compared to the students around him rushing to class, he seemed to be in slow motion.
It wasn't that he woke up late, but after waking up, he lay on the small bed in the "Neon" bar, staring at the white down jacket in the closet. There were only two cigarettes left in the cigarette box. He took one out and lit it. When the nicotine burned through his throat, he was able to suppress the inexplicable panic in his heart. School started today, how should he face Xie Mo?
There was nothing to be afraid of. He was the one who broke up first, the one who said, "There's no chance for us." But the thought of meeting Xie Mo's eyes made him want to run away. He hadn't thought much about it the last time he saw that pile of cigarette butts downstairs in the hospital. But these past few days, lying in bed, he couldn't help but toss and turn in his mind: Did Xie Mo really come? When he found out he was in the hospital, would he think he deserved it?
The class sign at the end of the corridor drew closer, and Li Huaizhou's pace slowed down. He deliberately walked around to the window, using the students cleaning the windows as a barrier to peek into the classroom. The back row of seats by the window was empty. That was Xie Mo's seat. There was no schoolbag stuffed under the desk, and the tabletop was spotless, not even a workbook.
He felt a strange sense of relief, yet also a slight sting, leaving him feeling a bit empty. He tightened his bag straps, lowered his head as he walked into the classroom and sat down in his seat. In the past, during class, he always used his textbook to block his view, secretly watching Xie Mo as he lowered his head to write. The sunlight fell on Xie Mo's soft hair, even the ends of it felt a bit warm. "Huaizhou, why are you here just now? Sister Zhou just called your name!" Jiang Changnan leaned over and said in a low voice, twirling a pen in his hand, "Have you finished your homework? I was up all night last night, and the last two big math questions are still blank. Lend it to me later so I can copy them."
Li Huaizhou hummed, shoving his bag under his desk, not mentioning that he hadn't even touched his homework. He slumped over the table, elbows resting on the cold surface, his head tilted as he stared blankly at Xie Mo's empty seat. When Xie Mo used to sit here, he'd always sneak a bunch of lollipops into his desk during morning reading. The pear and milk flavored ones were his favorite.
The whole morning's classes went by like a mess of paste. Jiang Changnan came to him during the break and said that Ji Jiancheng was waiting for them at the canteen downstairs and was going to buy snacks. Li Huaizhou shook his head and said he didn't want to go. He leaned on the railing in the corridor and smoked a cigarette. He took the cigarette from Ji Jiancheng; his own cigarette box was already empty. As the nicotine burned through his throat, the panic in his heart subsided a little, but another emotion emerged: I haven't seen Xie Mo all day, and I should be happy, but why do I feel a little depressed?
"What are you smoking? Sister Zhou is coming!" Jiang Changnan suddenly called out, reaching out to snatch the cigarette from his hand and pressing it into the cracks in the bricks under the railing. Li Huaizhou quickly straightened up and saw Zhou Yu approaching with the lesson plan in her arms. A woman in her thirties, her hair tied in a low ponytail, her face expressionless, yet somehow making people afraid to move around.
"Li Huaizhou, come with me to the office." Zhou Yu's voice was calm, yet undeniable. Li Huaizhou's heart skipped a beat, realizing it was about homework. He said nothing and followed Zhou Yu to the office, his pace slowing down again. The sunlight in the corridor fell on his feet, casting a long shadow like an unbreakable thread.
The office was heated to high, and the air was filled with the smell of ink and chalk dust. Zhou Yu placed his lesson plan on the table, pulled up a chair, and sat down, gesturing to the stool across from him: "Sit down." Li Huaizhou didn't sit down. Instead, he put his hands in his pockets, lowered his head, and looked submissive—he always looked like this when he made mistakes. Zhou Yu, seeing his good attitude, let it go with a few scoldings.
"Where's your winter vacation homework?" Zhou Yu's voice rang out, a little helpless. "Jiang Changnan said you didn't do it, but I didn't believe it. Just now, when the class representative collected the homework, your desk was empty."
Li Huaizhou hummed, offering no explanation. He couldn't just say he'd broken up over winter break, felt down, and spent days lying down, staring blankly at the ceiling the rest of the time, barely touching his backpack. "Li Huaizhou, I still remember how you were last semester," Zhou Yu sighed, his tone a bit more serious. "You improved by over a hundred points at the end of the semester, how come you're like this right after school started? You're already in the third year of junior high, do you think you still have time to waste?"
Li Huaizhou lowered his head, staring at the tips of his shoes. He listened to Zhou Yu's words, but his mind was elsewhere: Why didn't Xie Mo come today? Was he sick, or... just avoiding him?
"Did you hear me?" Zhou Yu raised his voice a little and waved his hand in front of him. "You look down these past few days, pale. Did you become a thief during the winter break? Or is there something else?" Li Huaizhou shook his head, still looking listless. Zhou Yu stared at him for a long time, probably thinking that it was useless to say anything more, and finally just waved his hand: "Okay, you can go back first. Make up the homework in the next few days. Don't do it next time."
Li Huaizhou said "Oh" and turned to leave. As soon as his hand touched the door handle, the thoughts in his mind suddenly popped up like bubbles. Before he could think about it, he said, "Sister Zhou...why didn't Xie Mo come?"
As soon as he finished speaking, he was stunned. He told himself not to ask and not to care, but he still couldn't help it. The office was silent for a few seconds. He turned around and glanced at Zhou Yu, and saw that Zhou Yu was also stunned, with a red pen in his hand, the tip of the pen hovering on the lesson plan, not falling down. Zhou Yu knew something. She occasionally visited the school's student forum, and had seen anonymous posts. She also saw a photo of two people talking in the corner of the playground - although it was blurry, she recognized the two figures. Besides, she had been teaching for so long, Xie Mo was a man of few words, but he was different with Li Huaizhuo, and the light in his eyes could not be hidden.
"Why are you asking this?" Zhou Yu's voice softened a little, not as serious as before.
"Curious." Li Huaizhou lowered his head, his fingers gripping the door handle, his fingertips a little tight. He didn't dare to look into Zhou Yu's eyes, for fear of being seen through.
The office fell silent again. After a long moment, Zhou Yu sighed softly, his voice as light as a feather: "Xie Mo has dropped out." The word "dropped out" hit Li Huaizhou's heart like a small stone. His whole body froze subconsciously, and his blood seemed to stop flowing for a few seconds. The sunlight from the corridor shone through the window and fell on the back of his hand. It was obviously warm, but it made him shiver with cold. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but all he could squeeze out was an "oh", his voice dry and sounded like it had been sandpapered.
He turned around and tried to leave, but before he could pull the door open, he heard Zhou Yu speak again. His voice was very soft, as if he was talking to him, or as if he was talking to himself: "You are still young. Once you have chosen something, you must have the determination to face difficulties and setbacks. Even if it is for him or for yourself, it will always be okay after you get over it." Li Huaizhou's fingertips that were gripping the door handle turned white in an instant, and his knuckles were a little painful from the force. Zhou Yu's words were like a thin needle, gently piercing his heart. The emotions that he had deliberately suppressed - regret, heartache, and unwillingness - all came out at once, making his chest feel stuffy. He didn't look back, nor did he speak. He pulled the door open, turned around and walked out, just wanting to quickly leave this place that made him breathless.
As soon as the door closed, he froze in place.
The corridor was empty. The bell had just rung, and there wasn't even a passing student. Sunlight streamed in from the window at the end of the corridor, falling on the base of the nearby wall. Xie Mo was standing there, his back against the wall, a piece of paper clutched in his hand. Perhaps startled by the sound of the door closing, he looked up.
Li Huaizhou felt as if all the blood in his body had frozen, and he even forgot to breathe. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but only a vague syllable came out: "You... are not..."
Xie Mo had changed a bit, yet it seemed like he hadn't changed at all. His long hair was half tied up, and he wore a pair of thin-framed glasses on his nose. They were the same ones he wore when doing homework. He had mild myopia, so he rarely wore them. He only wore them when he was working on a problem under the desk lamp, or when he was tutoring him. In the past, when Xie Mo leaned in to kiss him, he would playfully blow on his glasses. He would watch Xie Mo reluctantly take off his glasses, then smile and lean in, his lips soft and minty.
But now Xie Mo didn't have the red eyes that he had when they last met, nor did he have the trembling fingers that made Li Huaizhou's heart ache. His expression was very calm, like a pool of water that had not been blown by the wind, and even his eyes were indifferent, as if he had returned to the time when they first met.
"I'm here to give Teacher Zhou my application for withdrawal." Xie Mo spoke first, his voice calm, pointing to the paper in his hand. It was written in black and white, and Li Huaizhou could even make out the words "Application for Withdrawal." Li Huaizhou uttered an "oh," his mind a mess, like a tangled ball of thread. He wanted to ask Xie Mo why he wanted to withdraw, if he was still angry, if he had visited him in the hospital, but the words were on the tip of his tongue, and he swallowed them back—he had no right to ask, because he had been the one who pushed Xie Mo away first.
He shook his head vigorously, trying to get rid of those messy thoughts. He turned around and wanted to leave, but his wrist was suddenly grabbed by someone. Xie Mo's fingers were very cold. He gently clasped his wrist without using any force, but it made him unable to move.
The corridor was very quiet, with only the sound of the teacher's lecture coming from the classroom in the distance, intermittent, as if through a layer of cotton. Xie Mo lowered his eyes, his gaze falling on his wrist. He hadn't eaten well in the past few days, and his wrist was a little thinner, and the bone was a little painful. Li Huaizhou felt like his heart was being gripped by something, tightening little by little, and his eyes began to heat up. He knew he was about to give up. If he continued like this, he would definitely soften his heart and say something like "Let's not break up."
He suddenly exerted force and pulled his wrist out of Xie Mo's hand. Without looking back, he almost ran all the way to the bathroom at the end of the corridor. The cold tile floor rubbed against the soles of his shoes, but he didn't feel it. He just knew to quickly avoid it, avoid Xie Mo's eyes, and avoid the emotions that were about to emerge in his heart.
There was no one in the bathroom, only the faucet was dripping, "tick-tick", as if counting the time. Li Huaizhou held the edge of the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. His face was pale, his eyes were red, his hair was a little messy, and there was a little panic in his eyes. He reached out and turned on the faucet. The cold water splashed on his face, making him shiver, and the heat in his eyes subsided a little. He stared at himself in the mirror, his mind full of Xie Mo's appearance just now - the calm eyes, the drooping head, and the slightly cold fingers when he grabbed his wrist. How did he see it again? He had been hiding for a whole day, and told himself not to care anymore, but he still couldn't help it.
He splashed some water on his face again, the cool touch sobering him up a bit. Well, it was all right. After this meeting, we'd never see each other again. Xie Mo was dropping out of school, probably going back to Paris, like Xie Changliu had said, leaving here, leaving him, to live the life that was meant for him.
The faucet was still dripping, "tick-tick" and "tick-tick", and the water fell into the sink, splashing small drops of water. Li Huaizhou leaned against the cold tile wall, and the stuffiness in his chest became heavier and heavier, like a stone pressing on him, and even breathing was a little painful. He knew that this should be the last time he saw her.
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