Chapter 194: Who Sheds Tears?
Shaman approached the stopped carriage. She watched as the curtain was lifted, but it wasn't Wang Lianhua who stepped down first. Xie Huailing, who usually stayed until the very end, was the first to get off. She was looking down, and Shaman didn't even see her expression before she was off the carriage.
She looked so frail that she seemed about to be weighed down by her clothes, her slender figure suggesting she was about to drift away on the wind. Shaman was initially suspicious, but upon closer inspection, she realized the woman was anything but weak; she simply had a serene face. When Shaman asked her a question, she thought she had been mistaken all along.
Xie Huailing asked, "Where is Bai Feifei?"
It's not surprising that she would ask about Bai Feifei as soon as she got back. Shaman also developed the good habit of asking about Bai Feifei's whereabouts. She replied, "Vice Pavilion Master Bai has official business to attend to and has gone out. He hasn't returned yet."
Xie Huailing nodded without saying what she was going to do. She never said anything, and Shaman thought it was normal and didn't see anything wrong. She asked her if she wanted to rest since it was late at night, or if she wanted to stay busy for a while longer.
Without answering any of them, Xie Huailing simply walked away. She headed towards the majestic Golden Wind and Drizzle Tower, its eaves soaring into the clouds. But could one truly fly to the clouds, or truly shed the mortal world and ascend to immortality? Of course, that was impossible. But in her reverie, she thought that what the people in the tower truly possessed was perhaps nothing more than the loneliness of being at such a high place, the torment and baking of the dazzling light day and night.
Wang Lianhua stepped out of the carriage. He didn't speak, watching Xie Huailing walk away. The two seemed to be about to disappear like smoke in the night, yet he remained still. Finally, he turned around and walked away in the opposite direction from Xie Huailing.
.
Back in the Golden Wind and Drizzle Pavilion, moonlight streams in, and one feels but a speck of dust beneath the moon, adrift in the vastness of the universe, adrift as if without support. Where is the bleak autumn wind now? Summer has passed in the night, returning once more, turning into shimmering water, making it impossible to distinguish between a chilling breeze and true dampness. One feels as if submerged underwater, the moon seen from below merely a reflection on the surface.
In this way, it feels as if one is confined, suddenly realizing that the mountains and rivers are limited, and that human beings are insignificant, and that what one cannot do is inevitable, and one's heart is filled with a thousand sorrows, which become knotted together.
Shaman pushed open the bedroom door and could see through the crack that the lights were on inside, and the maid was waiting for Xie Huailing to return. But even so, the surroundings remained silent, as if underwater, where there shouldn't be much sound.
"Bring out a candle," Xie Huailing said, watching Shaman's actions.
Shaman sensed that Xie Huailing didn't intend to sleep, and before hesitating, she complied. Xie Huailing was either too lazy to care about the style of the candles, or she was very particular about them. For example, she didn't like to dress up, but she wouldn't let herself lose face. Shaman asked for a white candle to be brought out. The white candle burned with a faint warm light, shining brightly under the silvery moonlight, its brilliance almost deathly.
Xie Huailing took the candle with both hands and said to Shaman, "Go and rest."
After giving the order, she did not go into her room. Shaman frowned slightly, wanting to ask, but knowing that Xie Huailing would not give her an answer, it was most important not to disobey her superior's orders. So she went downstairs, where only Xie Huailing and a few guards remained. The light in her bedroom gradually went out.
Candle tears rolled on the lamp stand, and no one knew what she was thinking. This was not a night that made her want to sleep, and there was nowhere for her to go. Her gaze was unfocused in the air, revealing why her eyes were always clouded.
Bai Zhu had been crying for a while when Xie Huailing suddenly awoke from her reverie. She felt as if she couldn't see clearly in the still night, and as if no matter how long she stood there, or who else was around, she was always alone in the night.
After standing there for a while, Xie Huailing started walking. She didn't go back to her own bedroom; instead, she pushed open Su Mengzhen's door.
The guards on either side were very obedient, and after she went inside, they carefully closed the door for her. The doors and windows inside were tightly shut, and there was not a trace of moonlight; it was as if she had left the water.
Xie Huailing placed the candle on the table, its flickering light illuminating the outlines of the surrounding furnishings—all of which she had seen countless times, some of which she had kept herself. The white candle could not dispel much of the darkness; further in, there were gray bed curtains, which added another layer of haziness. The person lying there had his eyes tightly closed; he did not know what was happening, he was just waiting to wake up.
It's best not to know; that's why Xie Huailing is sitting here.
Silence reigned. Xie Huailing poked the desk listlessly, but the cold desk offered no response. She then placed her hands on her knees, sat directly opposite Su Mengzhen, and pondered for a while. The words swirled in her mouth, but when her eyes were empty and she looked at nothing, she finally spoke.
"To be honest, it's a bit disgusting," Xie Huailing said. "I don't like being sentimental. Talking to myself while others are sleeping always feels like I'm being presumptuous. But then I thought, anyway, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to me, and it just so happens that you're here. Besides, talking to the wall makes me feel like I'm crazy. Even if I'm mentally ill, I'm a mentally ill person with a purpose, so I'll just stay here."
After saying that, she let out a long breath and began to threaten the person: "If you wake up halfway through tonight, you'd better keep pretending to be asleep. If I find out you're awake, I'll have someone beat you until you lose your memory. Okay, let's begin. Hmm... how should I put it, I'll just start randomly."
"Whatever is true," Xie Huailing casually remarked. "Nothing major has happened these past few days. The matter of the Seven Saints Alliance of Mitian is progressing steadily and will soon be resolved. At that time, the power of the Tower will further increase, and the Divine Marquis's Mansion is almost certain to be secured. Tonight, I took Wang Lianhua to see Wuqing. At least from Wuqing's attitude, the Divine Marquis's Mansion has been thoroughly shaken."
"But why should I talk to you about business after get off work if I'm not going to? Su Mengzhen, do you know—oh, you don't know—that Wang Lianhua is really annoying."
Xie Huailing sighed, her face appearing both real and unreal in the candlelight: "It's so annoying, but her face is really beautiful, but she's really annoying. Okay, sometimes she's not so annoying, okay, she's still annoying. How can there be such a person in the world? Always doing things that no one likes, making people hate her, she just loves seeing people dislike her, wasting her good looks; although she's smart, she doesn't use her intelligence for good, and her character is completely untrustworthy, it seems like she does everything only for her own pleasure; but if you want to talk about being free, she's suffered because of her parents, her intelligence has backfired..."
She paused, a mixture of annoyance and acceptance in her expression. The candlelight flickered without wind, freezing her face in place, capturing her expression, revealing her truest features in the hazy glow of the fireworks.
Xie Huailing said, "In that case, it sounds like I'm completely criticizing myself."
At least tonight, there was nothing she couldn't admit. She sat up a little straighter; the firelight, no bigger than a soybean, was dim and yellowish enough to envelop her. No wonder so many stories use light to fill a room. This forgiving light spread out in circles, and in the silence of the night, it drew out another person to be enveloped by it.
Wang Lianhua strode quickly through the corridor, as if afraid of making a sound. His figure sped away. When Xiongmao'er opened the door, she saw him walking as if he were about to be reincarnated. She was already angry, and this only made her more furious.
Do you know how much trouble you've caused your Panda Master today? That's what he said, but Wang Lianhua seemed not to hear him at all. Either he was deaf, or Panda was mute.
With this air of authority, Wang Lianhua pushed open his door and slammed it shut with a deafening roar. Xiongmao'er's temper flared even more. He followed closely behind, forcing his way into Wang Lianhua's room, and demanded to know what was wrong with him, why he was behaving this way.
Wang Lianhua remained silent. He sat in front of the mirror, the bronze mirror reflecting his face. He tore off his disguise, revealing his true face in the mirror, and for a moment he was disoriented, thinking he hadn't torn it off yet.
In that instant, he thought he had nothing more to say.
He felt sadness, as if it didn't just belong to him.
The candlelight continued to spread, and Xie Huailing gazed at Su Mengzhen. Her gaze gradually sharpened as she searched for the outline of his face behind the bed curtains. She couldn't really see clearly, but finding it was enough. She needed to look closely to better continue her conversation. After all, in this world, he was the only one who shared a secret with her and knew where she came from.
She was indeed still grateful—grateful that he was unconscious, grateful that he was fast asleep, grateful that he would stay here forever, just as he had said. This couldn't be called reliance; Xie Huailing didn't rely on anyone. But it should be called companionship, a kind of companionship that he himself didn't need to know about.
Xie Huailing's hand slipped through the bed curtains and touched Su Mengzhen's face. It seemed she had wanted to do this for a long time. He was so thin, sometimes so thin that he looked like a skeleton covered in human skin, and sometimes he was better. She always wondered if there was any flesh under his skin, whether he was really just a shell supported by his spirit.
She said softly, "I haven't mentioned it to you, have I? I haven't mentioned my past to anyone."
Holding Su Mengzhen's face, Xie Huailing felt her eyes stinging as she finished speaking. She closed her eyes, then released her grip, lowered her head, and covered her eyes with her eyelids.
There will be no tears falling here. She will never shed tears. She will never shed tears for anyone, not even herself.
Or perhaps the two red moles hanging below her eyes represent all the tears her fate has shed since birth, so she shouldn't have any more, shouldn't shed any more.
Xie Huailing felt her eyes stinging, but she swallowed it all down and then suddenly felt a sense of relief.
The candlelight flickered, shaking the others sitting by it. Panda was about to explode, but his words were cut short as he stared wide-eyed at what lay before him in disbelief.
Looking in the mirror, something welled up in Wang Lianhua's eyes.
He shed a tear.
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This volume is coming to an end. The next chapter will be the final chapter, followed by an afterword.
This chapter didn't wrap things up; the next chapter will delve into Ms. Xie's past, explaining why she suffered from anorexia and why she was the way she was. It also marks the end of the main storyline. Readers who aren't interested can skip this part without affecting their reading experience.
Then this volume ends, and we'll move on to the last volume.
I hesitated for a long time before writing, wondering whether or not to write about her past. In the end, I thought that she was a character I created, and I wanted to flesh her out as much as possible. Some readers might mind, so I apologize for that.
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