Chapter 195: The River's Sound Never Ends, Life's Regret Ends
He was still fast asleep; it would be strange if he weren't. He'll never know what happened tonight, what he didn't hear, but that's for the best.
Finding the bed curtains too bothersome, Xie Huailing stretched out her hand and pulled them back. She then brought the candlestick closer, finally able to see the sleeping man's face clearly. His face, sunken from illness, was filled with shadows cast by the lamplight, his features so clear, as if sculpted by his past twenty-odd years of life. Xie Huailing poked Su Mengzhen's face, and finally, poked her own.
“I need to think about where to begin my story.”
She dug her fingers into her face, pressing down along the bone, feeling a slight pain: "Then tell me where I come from. You haven't asked, but you should be able to guess that I'm not from here."
"But I'm too lazy to explain the differences between the two worlds. In short, you know there are differences, but not many. Ultimately, the world is determined by people. People are similar, and so is the world. The biggest difference is probably whether it's scientific or not, which is something I can't explain to you. You don't even have an elementary school diploma."
After making sarcastic remarks about Su Mengzhen, Xie Huailing continued. As she approached the main topic, she remained remarkably calm. If she weren't using the first person, it would sound like someone else's story; she was merely an observer, or perhaps had already become one.
"Let's get back to the point. In that world, my background was considered decent, and my timing for being born was also good. I was the first child in my family, and my parents had just gotten married when I was born. They had a good relationship, but fortunately, everyone kept nagging me. My father gave my mother's family a lot of money to marry her; their relationship was also very bad, and I never saw my mother in that house."
"Because before I can remember, shortly after I was born, she was found to be having an affair, and then she broke off relations with my father and got divorced."
With her hands resting on either side of the chair, Xie Huailing slowly recalled the story. She knew it by heart; she often saw it in novels and plays: "There's often this kind of plot: a couple deeply in love, but the girl's family, for money, marries her off to a wealthy businessman. But the love between the lovers is so deep that the girl endures hardship for a long time before finally choosing to pursue her freedom."
"It's just a coincidence that I'm the child she endured hardship to keep alive."
As she spoke, she couldn't help but laugh. The candlelight cast her shadow over Su Mengzhen. She gazed at this person who was sound asleep. She didn't necessarily need to look at him, but she needed to see something; there had to be something in her eyes.
"These things happened before I could remember. After I started remembering things, all I knew was that my father didn't like to see me. My relatives didn't try to hide this from me either. They told me that I was indeed a child without a mother, and that the person who gave birth to me had run away with someone else. When they were talking, I looked around and saw my father standing to the side, watching them talk. He remained silent the whole time."
“I was young then and didn’t know that if I wasn’t his biological child, I wouldn’t have been kept here. All I knew was fear, fear that one day I wouldn’t be able to live at home anymore. He never spoke to me, so I would hide to the side and watch him, hoping that I would look a little like him.”
"But thankfully, I was precocious, and soon I figured it out myself, so I stopped looking at him and found a place to stay and read." Xie Huailing's tone was flat and unwavering. "In short, I spent most of my childhood in this state, going to school during the day and staying in my room at night."
She didn't seem to think there was any need to go into details. Her situation at home was something that could be glossed over. She had lost the desire to confide in anyone. A rotten fruit was placed there; all that was needed was to peel off the skin and give people a quick glance to prove that it had started to stink.
Continuing on, Xie Huailing said, "Back then, my grades were very unbalanced, ever since I started school. Actually, I didn't get some questions wrong, it was just that my handwriting was bad. Even if I practiced, it only helped a little. The teachers grading the papers couldn't understand it. I was also constantly being called away by the teachers as an example. They would call my home and I would go back with an ugly report card. This went on and on, and I became less and less willing to practice my handwriting."
She didn't say what would happen if she went back; it was all things that could be skipped, as if this story no longer belonged to her.
She complained to Su Mengzhen, patting his arm under the blanket: "So you want me to write less, you're really annoying."
The sleeping man remained unresponsive, unaware that he had been inexplicably marked against again. He quietly closed his eyes, unable to hear what she was saying. Her voices drifted away, but never reached his ears. Joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness were not shared, let alone after so many years.
Xie Huailing's thoughts jumped around, then back to his venting, still using the same abrupt, fragmented narrative style. He didn't focus on his own experiences, only on what he had done: "Where were we? Oh, school. The classmates in my class were annoying too. I've disliked kids ever since then, but I'm good at getting revenge, so they behaved themselves afterward. Apart from a few times when my parents were called in, nothing much happened. Anyway, when I got home, the parents who were called in remained silent. He was always silent."
"As I mentioned before, I lived like this for most of my childhood until I was twelve years old. That year, my father planned to get married. He still wanted a son. I had been an eyesore in this family for twelve years, and it was time for me to leave. I don't know exactly what he was thinking or what he did. He never spoke to me. I just guessed that he probably found my mother, gave her some money, and since my mother had never had any children, he took me away."
“After she took me away, my mother didn’t really care about me. She has a bad memory and often forgets that I haven’t eaten yet, making me wait until she remembers that there’s someone at home. But that’s not surprising, since I wasn’t her choice to have. It’s not bad that raising me can bring in a lot of money.”
Out of a strange sense of empathy, Xie Huailing harbored no resentment: "I don't know where her lover went. When I went to her, the person next to her had changed; it wasn't the one my relatives used to curse at me with his picture. My mother didn't want to see me. She preferred locking me in my room to letting me wander around the house. Actually, she didn't care if she didn't lock me; I wouldn't go out anyway. Just like she locked me up, I preferred reading books I borrowed from school and looking in the mirror to going out."
"In that small part of my childhood, what I remember most clearly is the sound of the door locking, and the constant waiting. I'd eat one or two meals a day, wondering if she was working overtime, if she was in a good mood that day, and if her boyfriend was coming to see her and if he would bring me anything. Because I was always hungry and wanted to eat, I would occasionally go to the noodle shop near my home and buy food on credit, then earn money from my classmates at school to pay off the debt."
"Then, when I was fourteen years old..."
The dim light pressed down on people, and only a corner of the world was lit. Xie Huailing sat in the dim light, and his face was also dim. Fortunately, it would be lit again as the candlelight flickered.
She said, "When I was fourteen, my mother was also getting married. But her new boyfriend had a child of his own and didn't like me. He felt that it was not appropriate for my mother to have a child with her, so my mother came back and got very angry with me."
“But she never argued with me.” Xie Huailing shrugged. “I said a few things like, ‘When you picked me up with the money, you didn’t think it would interfere with the wedding, but now that you’ve spent all the money and are getting married, you have,’ and ‘Don’t rush to do anything, it would be too embarrassing for me to go to your company and cry.’ She slammed the door and left, but then she came back halfway, took all the money, and locked the door.”
"So my mother left me at home. After being hungry for almost a day, I realized she probably wanted to starve me until tomorrow so I would apologize to her. Of course, apologizing was out of the question. Her bedroom balcony was close to the neighbor's house, so I climbed over there to get into someone else's house and managed to get out. I ran to the noodle shop, ordered a bowl of noodles, and planned to call the police after I finished eating. Then, while I was eating, I ran into someone in the noodle shop."
All that had been said before paled in comparison to this detailed passage, as if Xie Huailing's true nature only began here. She blinked, her words abruptly halting. The sleeping Su Mengzhen remained quiet and wouldn't urge her. She looked at him, then continued.
“I never thought I would run into him again. I still don’t know why he came there, but I did meet him. That was the last time I saw my father. When he walked in, I was sure he saw me. I wanted to leave immediately, but I was so hungry. I didn’t know where my next meal would come from.”
"So I could only keep my head down, while he remained silent."
No wonder it was so gloomy; what else could it be? She lowered her eyes and then raised them again, as if adrift in the night. Water still seeped in through the tightly closed doors and windows, soaking her. But Su Mengzhen could also prove that there was no water tonight, as she kept watching.
"A silence like that of a dead man, a silence that lasted for more than a decade, a silence so profound that it could shatter if dropped. To be honest, I later realized that he and my mother were actually a good match. Although he always hid behind silence, I could still find him and put him and my mother together. They were essentially no different, but at that time I neither understood nor didn't. I admit that at fourteen, I always needed something. I had a fantasy about him. I thought silence had no weight, and I didn't want him to see it or reveal it."
"After I finished eating that day, he left, and the owner came over and told me that I didn't need to come back to pay. The person who came earlier heard that I was pitiful and paid for me."
"After that, I didn't like eating much anymore."
The room fell silent, eerily quiet. Su Mengzhen was bathed in light and shadow, half of her shadow on him. He remained motionless, and she was grateful for his stillness. It was as if this night could only tolerate one person speaking, one person being awake, yet one person also needed another, merely as a projection.
Xie Huailing didn't know where she was looking, as if she was trying to return to her memories, only to forcefully pull herself back. She felt neither joy nor sorrow, and when she mentioned it again, she spoke in a reading-aloud tone. She had already gone very far, as if it were a different world.
"I've never thought there was anything wrong with my intelligence, nor do I agree with the saying 'extreme intelligence is harmful.' In my opinion, my intelligence has allowed me to know many things in advance, and it has also helped me see through this situation. Admitting that I've never truly possessed anything is a difficult thing, but it's something I really have to face, even if it's not the life I chose for myself."
"As for mocking his silence, his false sympathy, and arguing about who was more or less at fault between my parents, it's all meaningless. There's no need to hate them either; hatred just drains my emotions too much. From that day on, I decided not to get entangled with them anymore. I don't need what they won't give me. I can fill all the gaps in my life myself. Since I've come into this world, it's enough for me to rely on myself and love myself."
Saying it out loud made her feel much better; the feathers in her chest seemed to fly away, and her breathing became more natural. Xie Huailing's gaze refocused, settling on Su Mengzhen's face.
She couldn't see very clearly, so she held the candlestick closer, close enough to see the young man's face. In the candlelight, there was hardly any shadow left. She didn't look at him closely often, but when she did, she wouldn't miss an inch of his skin. His appearance was also the one she remembered most clearly. As soon as she saw the outline of one part, she knew what the next part would be like. Perhaps it was also because his temperament was so profound.
She knew he wouldn't answer, so she asked him, "Do you want to know if I imagined things would be like this when I was in the past? To say I suffered a great deal of hardship is an understatement. There are many people in the world who are more miserable than me, and you are one of them. Besides, the situation here is like this. However, the past is not something to be compared to."
The past is part of a person; it is what propels a person into the present.
The person in front of him showed no sign of waking up, so Xie Huailing continued speaking. She was very close to him, getting closer and closer each year, but he would never know that tonight, his dream was far from over, a dream within a dream, a dream without an ethereal presence.
"Speaking of you, when I first came here, I didn't like you much. Maybe it was because my appearance was indeed extraordinary and made you hesitant, but I don't care, Su Mengzhen, you were really good at pretending back then. But how about the feeling that you couldn't do anything to me when you put on airs? That's not very nice."
Others' failures are her pride. Xie Huailing said, "I told you long ago that I'm the kind of person you can't handle. Oh well, it's a pity you're not as funny as you used to be. This kind of progress is actually unnecessary. If you can improve in this area, can you also improve in other areas? There are some jobs I really don't want to do, and I don't even want to show up for work. Why do you like to put formalities on me so much..."
Then she changed the subject: "But actually, I still want to say thank you."
After saying that, Xie Huailing took a breather because the emotional appeal was a bit nauseating.
She had always known that Su Mengzhen was the best person to her in her life, so good that there was no need to calculate how much of their initial connection was due to fate. Now, they were inextricably intertwined, their lives intertwined, their roles overlapping in far too many ways to be simply categorized as friends, confidants, or partners. She could even be considered his teacher, and he could be considered her family. Therefore, neither their ideals nor their futures could be separated from each other's names.
For tonight, Su Mengzhen is also the best choice. It seems that he was born to wait for her, and she was born to wait for him, just like the fate of those who are born with serious illnesses, who are naturally suited to wait for each other.
"But on the one hand, I can't bring myself to say it, and on the other hand, considering your feelings, saying thank you would feel like giving you a friend card—oh, you don't know what giving a friend card means, then it doesn't matter."
Xie Huailing leaned down and gazed at Su Mengzhen. She pinched his face with both hands and pulled it to the left and right: "Thank you, thank you for being unconscious tonight."
Then came the sound of wood scraping against the ground, and the candlelight flickered even more violently, drifting further and further away. The bed curtains fell again, obscuring the young man's face, and darkness rolled in, plunging him back into the night until the last light disappeared. After the sound of the door opening and closing, the room returned to silence.
It seemed no one had ever been here. Su Mengzhen kept his eyes closed; he was only in his dream. He wouldn't know that this wasn't yet the time for him to wake up.
But this won't be a long sleep.
.
For the Divine Marquis's Mansion, the choice was not difficult. Now that things had come to this, what was there left to insist on? With the country before them, how could they bear to only sigh in regret?
The next person to see Xie Huailing was Zhuge Zhengwo. During their meeting, they didn't mention their thoughts at all. They simply looked around the streets of Bianjing, where the bustling crowds flowed from east to west, and the lives of ordinary people never ceased to unfold. Even those struggling to make ends meet were still doing their best to survive. They also went to see the Bian River, which flowed eastward with endless waves, washing away the wealth and prosperity on its banks and the suffering on the other side.
Only the palace remains, only the palace still holds scorn, just as Xie Huailing gazed into the distance on that first day. It looms over Bianjing, coldly observing the people who sustain it.
Is it more noble than the common people, or are the common people born inferior to it?
On the banks of the Bian River, both of them had their own answers.
The sound of the river will never end, nor will the deep sorrow cease; a thousand years of loneliness echo, and resentment is discussed in the heart.
Xie Huailing stayed with Zhuge Zhengwo for a long time, until he sighed. His voice was not carried away by the waves, but remained in the air. He had always cherished the ideals of supporting the Song Dynasty and being loyal to the emperor and loving his country, but today all of that had turned to dust. Gazing at the river and listening to the wind, his old dreams were now impossible to fulfill.
With that sigh, the last piece was placed on the chessboard, and many things were thus accomplished. There was no need to fear the autumn wind anymore. Even if the bleak autumn wind returned today, it would not change the spring and summer of this time.
Zhuge Zheng didn't talk much with Xie Huailing. Many times, an attitude is enough. They only talked about historical events, past kings and generals, and the regrets of a thousand years. When they talked about the setting sun, there was still sadness in their hearts that they couldn't express. They could only sigh deeply, feeling that words could not express it all. They had a thousand-year-old wine in their hearts, which could not relieve this sorrow even after a thousand years.
As night fell on the horizon, the two bid each other farewell, promising to meet again the next day, everything understood without words.
Xie Huailing returned to the Golden Wind and Drizzle Pavilion, feeling unusually relaxed. She had marked each of the rules she had set for herself with the word "completed," and the moment she had been waiting for finally seemed to be on the agenda. However, this day was a full cycle of four seasons since the beginning, and it was hard to say whether it was too fast or too slow.
With no urgent official business left, Xie Huailing could leave the rest to Bai Feifei. After many days of free time, she suddenly felt a sense of emptiness. It wasn't exactly emptiness, but rather a feeling of letting go. She stood on the terrace, enjoying the breeze, and as night deepened, she still had nothing to do. Then she saw that it was raining heavily.
A violent storm, accompanied by thunder and lightning, swept in. Dark clouds churned and unleashed a torrent of thunder. Luckily, she retreated quickly, otherwise she would have had to take another bath today. Xie Huailing was startled by the thunder and stumbled back a few steps. Seeing the howling thunder and the swirling lightning, she didn't want to stay any longer and decided to return to her room before the building was filled with lightning.
But then she stopped, stopping where she had just passed. The owner of the house must not have woken up yet, so she took her book, opened the door a crack, and slipped inside.
The window was tightly closed, but the sound of wind and rain could still be heard. This scene and the person in it always reminded her of another day, also in autumn. Xie Huailing drew the bed curtains shut again, lit many candles at once, and by the candlelight, listened to the rain and turned the pages of a book by his bedside.
Occasionally, when the thunder was too loud, she would look up at the sky outside through the gap in the curtains, then look at Su Mengzhen, thinking that this person could sleep, and that was fine. Then, in the light that flashed by in a flash of lightning, she saw the young man's eyelashes flutter.
Xie Huailing sighed, the sound lingering, slightly surprised. Then she put down her book, sat down on Su Mengzhen's bedside, and bent down to look at him.
It wasn't a hallucination. Like gentle ripples on water, the young man lowered his eyelashes, then his brow furrowed. The sickly aura that had lingered over the past few days had completely dissipated; he was merely somewhat weak, his face deathly pale, requiring close observation to discern any signs. Though a fierce storm raged outside, it seemed all the more necessary for him to wake up. All dreams must end, and he would never break his promise.
Xie Huailing waited, the thunder continued, and then it faded away.
The lamplight flickered, illuminating the young man's twitching fingers. He finally opened his eyes, parting the thick fog of confusion. This tumultuous night hadn't overwhelmed him; everything would be perfect today, and he wouldn't let her wait too long.
Su Mengzhen opened her eyes.
The body was no longer plagued by illness, and an unprecedented sense of cleanliness and emptiness washed over him. His consciousness was still hazy, and it gradually returned to normal with the rising thunder. Then he saw her; she looked down at him. That was their first glimpse.
The second time he saw her smile, he saw her smile again. In the dim light, her smile was almost unbelievably perfect; all her beauty was on full display before him, and he felt everything soften, softening in his heart.
Xie Huailing whispered to him, and he saw only her: "Su Mengzhen, we are about to see the world."
She knew he would think of that day, and he certainly did. She knew he would understand all the information she was trying to convey, and he certainly did. Lacking much strength, Su Mengzhen couldn't speak, but he smiled softly.
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This volume ends with the epilogue. As usual, there's a giveaway! [Thumbs up]
The next volume will be the last volume. Time really flies! Thank you so much to everyone who has read this chapter.
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