That's not him, I'm pretty sure.
That child was timid and had low self-esteem.
He rarely speaks and his academic performance is not outstanding.
However, Wang Shouren's eyes were filled with indifference, yet within that indifference lay a unique kind of confidence. I had seen that look in my father when he was young. Now, my father no longer has that look; he spends every day in worry.
This Wang Shouren had a feeling that "destiny was on my side".
This feeling was strange; I was both scared and curious.
I want to observe him.
That's definitely not Wang Shouren!
Or rather, he was another Wang Shouren!
He slept with Qin Huairu...
I'm crazy. I actually squatted in the corner and listened for a while. I don't know what I was thinking.
Pah! Shameless!
Qin Huairu's life gradually improved. I heard that her reputation at the factory also improved, and I knew it was thanks to Wang Shouren. Otherwise, with Qin Huairu's abilities, she wouldn't have been able to do this, and her old hag wouldn't have stopped causing trouble. She smiled more often, and she looked much better overall.
Everything was telling me that Wang Shouren was no longer the same Wang Shouren.
I'm not going to think about him anymore; I want to focus on building my life.
However, Xu Damao and I had another argument.
It's Chinese New Year, and he went home. I didn't go back. Two years into our marriage, every time I go back for the New Year, his parents relentlessly ask me when I'm having a baby, a question they've been asking for years. I don't want to go back anymore. They don't know it's their son's fault. But all these questions are being placed on me. I haven't told anyone.
Because I know that even if I speak out, the blame will likely fall on me. Because we've been married for so many years, and it's my fault that he has problems.
This era, this logic, is irrefutable, and I don't want to argue about it.
It's fine to just live like this.
As the New Year's bells rang, I felt incredibly depressed. I grabbed a bottle of wine and went to find that ghost.
I called him a ghost because he wasn't Wang Shouren; he was someone who had possessed Wang Shouren's body. Although we communicated later, I was always very wary of him.
But I think that in this era, only this ghost can have a proper chat with me.
It's hard to believe how much courage it took for me to go find him.
This thrill was unprecedented. I knew all his secrets, and I felt that if I revealed them, I probably wouldn't see the sun rise tomorrow. It felt like a mouse dancing in front of a cat, but the cat was completely unaware.
That night, I talked to him a lot.
We talked about love and life, and I even told him that I saw him and Qin Huairu's...
He just awkwardly touched his nose and said it was love.
When I told him he was lying, he didn't refute it, he just smiled and seemed not to intend to continue arguing with me about it.
Isn't he afraid at all that I'll tell on him? That would be a death sentence.
I asked him why he gave up a good job to study.
He said he was studying for the rise of China.
After hearing this, I felt a little relieved. After all, even if the person who said that was a ghost, he was still a good ghost.
That night, we talked a lot.
They talked about everything from things that fly in the sky to things that run on the ground, from the Southern Hemisphere to the Northern Hemisphere.
I thought he would take advantage of me while we were drinking, but he didn't. He was like a gentleman, but only like a gentleman. I heard everything clearly when he bullied Qin Huairu.
And so, the chat lasted all night, which I enjoyed immensely, but also left me with mixed feelings.
I've never felt so free and fulfilled in front of Xu Damao. This enjoyment is spiritual; no matter what I say, he can always connect with me. We chat about everything under the sun. Xu Damao is different. He can only crack those vulgar jokes with a cheerful grin. He doesn't know any of the slightly deeper allusions or historical references. I want to read with him.
He was asked to broaden his horizons, but he refused.
He always wanted to become an official.
But he didn't understand what it took to be an official.
After graduating from vocational school, Wang Shouren's career skyrocketed, much to Xu Damao's envy. He couldn't understand that in this world, one ultimately couldn't escape the word "interest"—either showcasing one's "interests" to superiors, or possessing one's own "value." He couldn't achieve either. All he could do was take money from his family and treat unrelated people to meals and drinks.
He gets drunk every day, claiming it's because he's ambitious.
I've told him many times that he's going in the wrong direction and should read more books to increase his value.
He simply retorted, "Old woman, you don't understand anything."
From then on, I kept quiet. I ultimately failed. I wanted to mold him into the perfect husband I envisioned, but in the past ten years, I haven't succeeded even once. He only knows how to stay trapped at the bottom of his own little well, using only what he knows to climb upwards. He can't see the hardships Wang Shouren endured when he risked everything for his studies.
He couldn't see the responsibilities behind those important figures; all he saw was that becoming an official meant he could swagger around and reap benefits. In a way, he and his second uncle were the same kind of people. The only difference was that he was a little more cunning than his second uncle.
I ended up cheating on my partner.
I've given up on Xu Damao. I don't want to make excuses; it was my fault for giving up on him. I've fallen in love with Wang Shouren.
When I made this decision, and when Wang Shouren got off me, I felt joy, excitement, and even a slight sense of illicit thrill.
I told him with a stern face that he was just someone I was venting on.
He said yes, yes, yes with a hint of helplessness, as if coaxing a child.
I like this feeling; I like being coaxed.
Our communication became more and more frequent, though not as frequent as Qin Huairu's!
Damn it! How horny is that woman?! Several times, even though I was there first, Wang Shouren made me squat down as soon as she came in! That's outrageous!
When I stormed out in anger, he told me it was love!
Despite my good manners, I still want to swear!
Liar!
He's a liar, I know that perfectly well, but I still fell for him.
It wasn't just physical pleasure, but also spiritual satisfaction; and like I said, it always kept up with my pace. How I wish these absurd days could last forever.
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