Chapter 83 Self-Analysis: Host, you are too pessimistic.
East stood under the showerhead, his eyes stinging from the water, feeling a slight sense of suffocation at times. The steam filled the small space, making everything blurry.
"System, I suddenly have a little regret," Easter said in his mind.
The system performed precise calculations the instant it heard Easter's words. [Host, what's wrong?] It discovered that once emotions were mixed in, even the most sophisticated calculation system would be rendered useless.
East rubbed his face, his vision clearing for a moment, but the water flowed down and it remained blurry, not much changed. He was calm, and he said calmly, "I regret coming to the Sinclair Empire in person."
This one sentence contains so much; considering the current situation, what he regrets could even be described as his entanglement with Arip.
[Host...] The system stammered for the first time, unsure of what to say. Ever since that incident, Easter's attitude had been clear: his hesitation stemmed solely from their respective identities. However, after Aripelago spoke up, it became a perfectly logical thing to do. The word "regret" that Easter uttered at this moment was nothing short of earth-shattering.
East slowly squatted down on the ground, hugging his bent legs, adopting a posture that was both defensive and evasive. "System, including these past few months on the Luomanjier Continent, I have lived for twenty-six years and consider myself a calm and reserved person."
I was born in an orphanage. From the moment I first developed self-awareness, I clearly understood that I was different from everyone else. It wasn't due to adolescent delusions or arrogance; it was an objective fact. I think if it weren't for a restraining command engraved in my soul, I would probably do all sorts of crazy things in pursuit of excitement.
There are very few people, things, or events that can trigger my emotions, almost none. This gives me a clear understanding that I have mental health issues.
For twenty-six years, I've endured the isolation from all the orphans in the orphanage, even the near-death experience caused by a cruel joke; the endless bullying, verbal abuse, and physical assault during my school years; and even the inexplicable, crazed suitors who appeared out of nowhere, using all sorts of ways they thought they could express their love to show me their affection…
Good and bad, love and hate are the two most extreme expressions of emotion, but do you know how I came to understand the emotions they were trying to express? It was only after I read many books that I understood that hitting you meant I hated you, and giving you roses stained with blood meant I liked you... But I couldn't understand, I couldn't understand, what is emotion?
My view of "relationships" is like my current situation: it's shrouded in layers of fog, hazy and indistinct, yet I can never truly grasp it.
I follow the existing rules formed under social domestication, without making mistakes or overstepping boundaries. I disguise myself, hypnotize myself, and deceive myself. Many times, I almost thought I was normal. After all, I can express my joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness at the right time. Look how well I do?
Only now do I realize that I was wrong, terribly wrong, absurd and ridiculous. 'Emotion' is a problem I've never been able to overcome.
He knew perfectly well that he liked Arip, and he also knew Arip's feelings for him. It was obvious, wasn't it? According to the normal procedure, they should continue smoothly, both emotionally and morally. This was the most normal and reasonable course of action.
Herein lies the problem. East had to admit that, from beginning to end, he and Arip were from two different worlds. The brief time they spent together didn't reveal the issues; all the good things masked all the bad. But when it came time to truly connect and build a long-term relationship, they discovered that their understanding of each other was too superficial and shallow. To put it bluntly, they weren't familiar with each other, and a sense of unfamiliarity lingered. They had done all sorts of intimate things, yet East didn't know what Arip liked to eat or what he liked to do...
That alone should make him happy to have time together. The problem is that human nature is complex and not limited to the good. Many times, relationships are ruined by trivial matters.
It wasn't that Easter was wavering in his feelings for them or distrustful; quite the opposite, he seemed to care too much, which could easily backfire. He was controlled by his emotions and might do many things beyond his rational control.
—Emotions are beyond the control of reason.
[Host...] The system remained silent. The existence of Arip was special to East. It all started with that accidental turn of events, and no one could judge whether it was right or wrong.
Undeniably, this incident occurred because of Arip's coercive behavior. From this perspective, it's all Arip's fault. Although it's not appropriate to compare them, given East's mental state, this incident seems to have been inevitable.
You can't use assumptions as arguments, but that's the fact, undeniable and irrefutable.
East was a very lonely person. He probably didn't think so himself because he couldn't understand "loneliness." It's a very simple truth: a person who doesn't have the emotional perception that a normal person should have will either go insane or self-destruct. By the time East arrived on the continent of Luomanjier, he was already only a hair's breadth away from self-destruction.
The appearance of Arebo was so coincidental, almost like destiny, that it gave the precarious and shaky castle in the air a chance to breathe.
"I'm saying all this for no other reason than this," he slowly stood up and washed himself as usual, "It's just that at a moment like this, I belatedly realized that I'm too selfish. To put it in a sentimental way, although it's also an objective fact... Never mind, I've done enough self-analysis today. I still want to save some face for myself." Too sentimental, too sentimental for him.
The system could guess what Easter hadn't said, probably something like "I'm not good enough for him," but since Easter hadn't said it aloud, it had no reason to refute him. It could only say dryly: "Host, in the objective view of the world, starting a relationship doesn't necessarily mean it has to last. Very few relationships last a lifetime from the very first one. Let nature take its course; no one says that the beginning is for a lifetime."
Easter turned off the shower and dried himself with a towel. "Given how important Arip is to me, I'm afraid I'll end up not being able to let go." There's nothing wrong with admitting that. After years of emotional emptiness, when someone appears who makes you clearly aware of happiness, joy, anxiety... all the good and bad emotions, most people with a normal brain wouldn't be willing to let go. Obsession can become an illness, leading to mutual harm.
"Host, you're too pessimistic," the system said, only predicting the worst-case scenario and ignoring the rest.
“An objective analysis.” East put on the bathrobe that the players had thoughtfully prepared for him, opened the bathroom door, and immediately saw Aripor lying on the sofa without any regard for his image.
"Are you sleepy? I'm sorry, I was too slow." He walked over, bowed his head, and sincerely admitted his mistake.
Arip pulled Ister onto him, restraining him from moving. "Baby, tell me what's wrong? Did my words and attitude just now upset you? Okay, I shouldn't have teased you on purpose."
Easter fell on Arip, his head spinning. It wasn't until he finished speaking that he realized what was happening and hurriedly retorted, "No, I'm not unhappy."
Arip gently stroked Easter's hair, "Honey, this is also my first time building a close relationship with someone. I can't be completely in control or perfect, but I know that if I don't communicate well, it will create countless hidden dangers."
Easter remained silent, unable to find the right words. He could frankly analyze himself with the system, but he couldn't reiterate those experiences and judgments to Arip. All he could say was, "It's my fault, it has nothing to do with you."
Arip was so angry he laughed. "East, this has nothing to do with me, right?" He let go of his hand, creating distance between them, and got up from the sofa. "Fine, then I'll be going."
East sat on the sofa, his clothes disheveled from his earlier movements, revealing large expanses of bare skin. He simply watched Arip leave in silence, without uttering a word or trying to stop him, his eyes calm and undisturbed.
Aripor stood on the balcony, the anger burning in his chest unquenched by the cold wind outside.
He took two deep breaths, turned around dejectedly, and met East's gaze. "What? Isn't this none of my business?"
Easter, "I'm sorry."
“If all you can do is say sorry, then forget it.” Arip leaned against the balcony railing and said indifferently. The wind ruffled his long hair, which he impatiently tucked behind his ear. He could tell that Easter liked his hair and always took great care of it. Now it seemed that he had gone to all that trouble.
East lowered his head and said softly, "I don't know how things turned out this way. It's probably just my overreaction." He really wanted a cigarette now, fiddling with his fingers. "I misspoke just now; my words weren't clear enough." Every word was carefully considered before he spoke.
"I don't know how to deal with this emotion that's so unfamiliar to me. I don't understand it myself, and I don't know how to describe it to you in words," he said with difficulty.
“Every time you suddenly appear, I’m so happy, really happy, especially today. Just a moment ago, someone told me you couldn’t make it back, and then you showed up. I’ve never experienced that kind of surprise before. And then there was earlier, you know what? You were so ‘beautiful’ in the moonlight, like a phantom figure that only appears in a dream. The joy was undeniable…” He stopped, a bewildered expression on his face.
Arip was quite satisfied with what he heard, and his anger had subsided considerably. He thought to himself that he was already so old, he should be more mature and tolerant, and not hold a grudge against his precious child. Seeing this expression, he asked, "Baby...?" He couldn't finish his sentence.
"The highest and lowest points of emotions can happen in an instant. After the joy comes an empty void. I don't know what can fill that void, just as I don't know whether you and I should continue to be together."
"What...are you saying?" Areber asked incredulously.
“Admittedly, I like you very much, and you also have some feelings for me. Apart from you, I will not get entangled with anyone else. You are my only choice, but this is me, not you.” Easter looked up and met Areper’s gaze directly.
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