Chapter 32 It’s actually hard for me to establish close relationships with people. “Take my home…
Nestled in Xu Ze's arms, Xiao Zhier felt dizzy and thought for a long time but still didn't know what to say.
The young man's embrace was firm and steady, and his slightly cool skin pressed against Xiao Zhier's hot skin, bringing an indescribable feeling of comfort.
For a moment, Xiao Zhier was actually reluctant to leave this embrace.
The continued high fever almost made Xiao Zhier's brain stop working. He instinctively pressed his cheek against Xu Ze's neck and rubbed it gently, trying to absorb the coolness from Xu Ze's body.
Xiao Zhier closed his eyes contentedly, as if the endless headache was not so unbearable anymore.
This is really hard for Xu Ze.
The person in his arms moved his body little by little like a kitten, his soft cheek pressed against his neck, his dry lips almost touching Xu Ze's skin, and his hot breath against his skin, causing Xu Ze to tighten his arms uncontrollably.
He tilted his head slightly, his eyes quietly lowered.
From Xu Ze's perspective, he could only see Xiao Zhier's straight nose between his soft hair. He took a deep breath and gently tightened his fingers around Xiao Zhier's ribs, with uncontrollable desire and possessiveness.
The sunlight outside the window fell on Xu Ze's feet. He stared at Xiao Zhier for a while, forced himself to look away, turned around and carried Xiao Zhier into the bedroom.
This was not the first time Xu Ze entered Xiao Zhier's bedroom. He moved sideways and used his shoulder to push open the off-white door as if he was in the right place. He carried Xiao Zhier to the bed slowly and gently.
The young man half-knelt beside the bed. He reached out and pulled the thin quilt, wrapping Xiao Zhier tightly.
Xiao Zhier didn't say anything the whole time. He rarely looked well-behaved. He cooperated with Xu Ze's actions and obediently huddled under the quilt.
He shuddered in the quilt, his beautiful amber eyes staring at Xu Ze. Only after Xu Ze tucked the quilt in for him did Xiao Zhier raise his head slightly: "Are you going back?"
Xiao Zhier couldn't explain what he was thinking. He clearly wanted Xu Ze to leave, but when this person seemed to be really leaving, Xiao Zhier felt uncomfortable in his heart.
Maybe it's because I'm sick.
Xiao Zhier thought so, he lowered his eyes quietly, raised his hand and placed his palm on his heart, patted it gently, and quietly comforted himself.
"I'm not leaving."
Xu Ze’s voice rang out.
Xiao Zhier blinked, as if he didn’t understand what Xu Ze said. His peach blossom eyes stared at Xu Ze blankly: "What? ”
Like a frightened cat, with its eyes wide open.
Xu Ze looked at Xiao Zhier's expression and thought to himself.
He curved his eyebrows slightly, touched Xiao Zhier's still hot forehead, and repeated gently: "I won't leave, you still have a fever, I'm worried."
Xiao Zhier's expression softened a lot, the corners of his lips curled up slightly, and the depression that had been choking his heart seemed to slowly dissipate.
"I'll get you something to eat, you can rest for a while."
Xu Ze gently nudged Xiao Zhier's cheek with his fingertips, took out his key from his pocket and stuffed it into Xiao Zhier's palm, "I'll leave my house key with you, so I can't run away."
He smiled and made a face at Xiao Zhier.
Xiao Zhier couldn't help laughing. He clenched the keychain in his hand and tilted his head in disgust: "Childish."
Xu Ze smiled and bent his fingers. He rubbed Xiao Zhier's nose with his knuckles until Xiao Zhier angrily reached out to slap his claws away. Only then did Xu Ze turn around happily.
Hearing Xu Ze's footsteps gradually fading away, the smile on Xiao Zhier's lips suddenly disappeared. He stared blankly at the pattern on the wallpaper, his heart full of confusion.
He is so emotionally unstable and easily out of control that he is like a time bomb. Is he worthy of Xu Ze's love?
Xiao Zhier didn't know.
He just felt like a seed struggling to grow, being pressed into the ground by layer upon layer of mud. He finally managed to drill his leaves out of the soil before they rotted, but when he looked up, he found that the mud had melted into his roots.
That sentence, that text message, that person.
Just like this ball of mud, it clung to Xiao Zhier with a sickening chill, making it impossible for him to break free forever.
Xiao Zhier closed his eyes in silence. There was a pool of water in his eyes. The moment his eyes closed, tears rolled down lightly.
There was a burning pain in the depths of his eyes, and the sour, stinging pain surged up as if seeping into his bones, and his temples also began to throb and ache as if to join in the fun.
Xiao Zhier was not originally planning to go to bed. Perhaps because of his childhood experiences, Xiao Zhier has always had a light sleep. In addition, the sound insulation of the rented house was average, so it was difficult for him to fall asleep when there were other people at home.
But he was too tired.
The pain that seemed to be rising from his bones was hard for Xiao Zhier to bear. He had been afraid of pain since he was a child. He didn't know how he managed to get through those years as a child. As a result, when he got older, he couldn't stand any pain at all.
Xiao Zhi'er leaned sideways, his fingers habitually pressed on his arm in a protective gesture. Even though he was asleep, tears were still sliding down the corners of his eyes without him noticing.
I don’t know how long it had been, but when Xiao Zhier woke up from his dazed sleep, the sky outside the window had already darkened.
There was a small desk lamp on the low table in the corner of the room. The warm orange light fell softly, adding a touch of warmth to the dark room.
Xiao Zhier moved slowly. The unbearable pain in his body had disappeared without a trace. What remained was the general weakness after sleeping for a long time.
He propped himself up lazily and looked towards the only bright corner in the room.
Xu Ze was leaning sideways on the table, his forehead supported by one hand, his eyes lightly closed, and an English poetry collection with a gray portrait on the cover was placed upside down on his knees.
Xiao Zhier glanced over, his fingertips trembled slightly, and his eyes fell on the cover of the poetry collection.
"The Book of Disquiet", Portuguese poet Fernando? A collection of Pessoa's essays, translated into Chinese as The Book of Anxiety or The Book of Unease.
For most people, this is just a simple collection of poems, but Xiao Zhier felt a little panic in his heart.
He had the habit of making annotations when reading, and the last time he read this book... was three years ago, when he had just bought a car with his own income, but he received a text message from his mother.
Xiao Zhier could no longer remember what he had annotated in the book, but it definitely wasn't anything positive. After all, he was such a gloomy person, and it happened at such a special moment.
Xiao Zhier couldn't help but cough twice.
"Hmm... awake?" Xu Ze was not asleep. He opened his eyes quickly after hearing Xiao Zhier's cough. Seeing Xiao Zhier looking at him with complicated emotions, Xu Ze put the book on the table, stood up and came to Xiao Zhier, "Are you hungry? I made a small pot of vegetable porridge. You can have some to warm your stomach first."
He acted as if he saw nothing.
Xiao Zhier looked at Xu Ze's back. He was stunned for two seconds, then stood up hurriedly: "Xu Ze?"
"What's wrong?" Xu Ze poked his head out from the kitchen, holding the lid of a small cooking pot in his hand. When he saw Xiao Zhier following him, he stepped back with a smile and said, "Come and try it. How about it?"
The question Xiao Zhier was about to ask stopped at his lips. He was stunned for two seconds, nodded obediently, walked forward, took the spoon from Xu Ze's hand, took a small sip and tasted it.
The white porridge was soft, glutinous and fragrant. Only the leaves of the vegetables were used, and they were cut into small pieces so that they could slide down the throat without chewing.
Xiao Zhier raised his hand and gave Xu Ze a thumbs up. The two of them were very close to each other. When Xiao Zhier wanted to turn around to get the bowl of porridge, he just turned around and bumped into Xu Ze's arms.
Xiao Zhier was startled. He subconsciously took a half step back and his lower back hit the kitchen cabinet heavily. Xiao Zhier couldn't help but gasp.
Xu Ze was startled by him and wanted to step back reflexively, but seeing that Xiao Zhier looked in pain, Xu Ze hurriedly stepped forward and put his hand on Xiao Zhier's waist, trying to make sure if he was injured.
But before Xu Ze's hand could reach Xiao Zhier's waist, Xiao Zhier quickly grabbed his wrist.
"Brother Xiao?"
Xu Ze was stunned, but he did not resist Xiao Zhier's action. The young man obediently took a step back, distanced himself from Xiao Zhier, and then called him softly.
Instead, Xiao Zhier let go of his hand helplessly. He looked up at Xu Ze, hesitated for a long time, and finally did not explain anything.
Xiao Zhier just looked away. His five fingers tightly clasped the kitchen cabinet door, his lips slightly parted, and after a few seconds he spoke in a low voice: "You...you said let me give you a chance to meet again, what did you want to say?"
Xu Ze could see that this was not what Xiao Zhier originally wanted to say, but considering that Xiao Zhier's fever had just subsided, he did not dwell on it and just smiled helplessly: "Brother Xiao, are you sure you want to discuss this with me in the kitchen?"
Seeing that he had no intention of continuing, Xiao Zhier curled his fingertips lightly for a moment, made a gesture, and turned sideways to sit back on the sofa.
He habitually pulled Daxiong's arm and hugged him, sinking his whole body into the soft sofa. He looked at Xu Ze and blinked gently: "It's actually difficult for me to establish close relationships with people."
After Xiao Zhier finished speaking, Xu Ze did not respond for a while, and the living room was silent.
He stared at Xu Ze and lowered his eyes awkwardly.
In fact, Xiao Zhier has always had a hard time gaining a sense of security since he was young, but this feeling is so important to a person's life.
Xiao Zhier had no choice but to choose a softer sofa and many stuffed dolls, burying himself among them to gain a little sense of security.
This was the first time he dug out the emotions that he had been hiding deep in his heart and explained them clearly to another person.
Talk about his concerns, entanglements, despair and helplessness.
Xiao Zhier's eyebrows were indifferent, and he whispered: "I am not an easy person to get along with. I have a weird temper and I like to think too much. I don't want to say anything."
He paused and said softly, "Not a suitable partner for love."
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