39. Earth's Last Night
Before mastering the ability to travel through time, Fang Kaixuan only wanted to show Gu Qiye the place where she lived before she was eighteen.
Although the city has changed dramatically, the backstreets and alleys I used to ride my bike through every day as a child have long been demolished in the wave of urban construction. Fortunately, the river still flows gently, and further away are the mountains I used to visit on spring outings as a child—these things remain unchanged. That gentle water still carries some of the flavor of my memories.
Everything is new and interesting to him.
Fang Kaixuan took him to her middle school campus. She was very fortunate that in those days, middle school was not as stressful as it is now. Although she was in a key middle school, Fang Kaixuan and her friends still had the opportunity to skip classes, watch movies, skip evening self-study to eat barbecue, have crushes on boys two grades above or below, write poems for their crushes and read them aloud on the school radio station, argue with teachers, and even have the whole class go on strike.
Years have passed, and the school's layout has changed dramatically. The old-fashioned courtyard where we used to explore during breaks has long been razed to the ground, its gray-white cement floor gleaming brightly in the sunlight. Fang Kaixuan still remembers how she and her girlfriends used to plan carefully, saying that when they grew up, they would buy this courtyard together, each with a room, and live together with their husbands.
Back then, I had no idea that being an adult could be so boring.
Fortunately, the stadium hasn't changed much. Although the facilities are rudimentary, it was their paradise back then. The stadium is next to a municipal park, separated only by a low wall. During self-study periods, Fang Kaixuan and her friends would often exchange glances, then quietly slip away through the back door of the classroom, quickly run across the playground, and climb over the low wall.
Beyond the wall lies a lake nestled amidst lush greenery, a place where they can while away half an afternoon.
The stadium is now deserted, the stands look dusty and gray, and the paint is peeling off in many places. Fang Kaixuan used to watch the annual school sports meet there, and he would also sneak over there during evening self-study to look at the stars and the moon and chat with his friends about all sorts of wild things.
At that time, they had nothing, but they were ambitious and felt that one day they would have everything: the ideal job, the perfect lover, and a beautiful life.
Fang Kaixuan came here specifically to find something.
But time has passed, and memories are bound to be inaccurate. The stadium I remember was much larger than this.
Perhaps it was because she was too insignificant at that time.
She walked up to the stands and made her way through the rows of seats. It was nearing sunset, but the sun was still strong. However, she wasn't afraid of the sun now and simply bent down to carefully search each seat. Gu Qiye didn't ask what she was looking for; she had her reasons for doing so, just as she had come all this way to return here.
Fang Kaixuan suddenly stopped, a smile on his face: "You're still here."
He moved closer, and the two of them knelt down with difficulty to get a closer look.
Underneath that seat, there were two letters that looked like they were written in white paint, now faded and peeling: KX.
Even if he secretly wrote his name in a place where no one knew him, Fang Kaixuan was still too embarrassed to write the name of the person he secretly loved together with his own.
"Your initials?"
Fang Kaixuan nodded: "Two Chinese characters have too many strokes, they are not easy to write."
She remembers that she used a brand new tube of white correction fluid to write it, and because she pressed too hard, the nib was damaged, which she felt bad about.
Fang Kaixuan was well-prepared today, taking out a tube of correction fluid. She had gone to the stationery store to buy it before leaving, and at the time, she was actually mocking herself, thinking, "Is this childish really necessary?"
Is it too late to make up for the regrets of being eighteen and then turning thirty?
When she wrote those two letters at eighteen, she didn't know that such simple love could be entrusted to the wrong person.
Hesitantly, he took the correction fluid from her hand.
Although the two letters were protected from the sun and rain because they were hidden deep under the seat, they had become faded and mottled over time. He first wiped away the dust and then repainted them with a fresh bluish-white color.
Then, he solemnly wrote the other two letters, QY, saying, "Actually, these two letters aren't hard to write, but it's better if they match yours."
Fang Kaixuan was thinking about drawing a heart and enclosing their names inside. But that would be so childish.
It's not that drawing a heart is childish. It's that mistakenly believing that it will last forever is very childish.
Fang Kaixuan wasn't eighteen anymore, but she was suddenly very happy today. Even though it was just a pattern that could be erased at any time.
Years ago, she regretted being too timid to write her crush's name here. Today, she finally felt at ease watching Gu Qiye write those two tiny letters next to her name himself.
There's no need to announce it to the world, no need for a grand banquet, no need for a host to passionately recount how magical love is, and no need for an official seal to prove its legitimacy.
Heaven knows, Earth knows, you know, I know.
She extended her right little finger, and he did the same, and the two gently intertwined their little fingers.
"What if we come back here to look for them in eighteen years?"
"I just hope the stadium is still there," Fang Kaixuan said with a touch of sadness. The brand-new buildings rising from the ground had already buried many of her childhood memories in the dust of time.
It's uncertain how long this place can remain standing, or if it will be enough for them to meet again.
“I think it will always exist. Maybe you’ll still be here when you’re eighty.” He said with a rare slyness.
"Then I'll live to be eighty first."
When Chen Zhilun was sixteen, he had recited Su Dongpo's poem "Jiang Cheng Zi" to Fang Kaixuan here. Ever since their falling out, Fang Kaixuan had never mentioned "Jiang Cheng Zi" or Su Shi again, still recovering from post-traumatic stress disorder. At this moment, she was thinking of another poem, even more sorrowful than "Jiang Cheng Zi".
Since we parted, I've longed to meet you. How many times have my soul and dreams been with you? Tonight, I'll light the silver lamp again, still fearing our meeting is but a dream.
Wanting to hide back to being eighteen, under the stadium roof, to avoid being found by fate. It's impossible now.
On the way back, Fang Kaixuan gave him an earphone, which played a very old song.
Today, you gently notice me again, and I wonder why this happiness comes and goes so quickly.
Like the white clouds in the sky, sometimes gathering, sometimes departing, it is a deep concern that seems almost unintentional.
It's Jenny Tseng's 1986 song, "The Last Rose." Neither she nor he had appeared in the public eye that year.
Outside the window, the night rushes by. Occasionally, it passes through the city, flashing past some unassuming, brightly lit high-rises. These are all residential buildings on the city's outskirts or in new districts, concrete boxes of ten or twenty stories.
Fang Kaixuan usually hates these unoriginal houses the most, but at this moment, each window in the night seems like a small screen, playing out different everyday stories, joys and sorrows.
The phrase "ten thousand lights" suddenly transforms into a tangible image of tenderness.
It wasn't a holiday or weekend, nor was it a popular high-speed rail route, so there were quite a few empty seats in the carriages.
It was completely dark outside the window. The train was traveling between cities, and there were no more lights outside. They seemed to be in a tunnel with no end in sight.
It would be great if we could stay at the station forever.
If only this were a movie about being imprisoned for a day, where every day you wake up stuck in that one day. In movies, the protagonist tries everything to escape that day. But Fang Kaixuan would rather stay here.
The high-speed train was very punctual, arriving in Beijing late at night. Fang Kaixuan was a little tired; he always felt particularly tired no matter what mode of transportation he used. The same hour seemed to last much longer on a train or plane.
As he rolled down the window, a blast of cold air rushed in, and Fang Kaixuan realized for the first time that time on the high-speed train was passing by too quickly.
Gu Qiye rarely had anything to regret. This was because he was rational and stable by nature, and more importantly, because at that time, humans could make optimal decisions based entirely on data and with complete rationality.
But there was one thing he regretted.
During dinner, he hesitated for a long time before finally speaking: "Can you promise me something?"
Fang Kaixuan suddenly understood him at that moment, and without him saying it, he replied, "Okay. I promise you."
The two smiled at each other, but Fang Kaixuan's eyes suddenly reddened, and he pulled him from across the table.
He stood beside her, while she remained seated. She reached out and hugged his waist, burying her face in his chest. "I'll come pick you up when you come back."
The unspoken understanding stemmed from the fact that neither of them knew how to face parting. They had separated before, but those times were easy. Now they knew everything was different.
Most partings in life happen without our awareness or understanding. Isn't that a kind of happiness?
We didn't have time to go out for breakfast this morning, so we ordered McDonald's delivery again. The hash browns arrived a little soft, but after baking them in the oven for half a minute, they almost tasted just like the ones from the restaurant. We couldn't help but think about how this hash brown had sparked a connection that had lasted so long. But if we weren't both sincere and courageous, the hash browns would just be another hash brown.
When that day actually comes, I won't shed any tears. Fang Kaixuan does all this with a smile, but his heart is completely at peace.
Separation is relative. Fang Kaixuan's former lover now lives within three kilometers of her home and will likely continue to live on this earth for another fifty years. But for Fang Kaixuan, he is no different from having disappeared or died.
Romance novels often feature long-awaited reunions because it's a convenient way to avoid depicting how two adults fall in love; the love is already there, and all that's needed is to revisit it. But for people living in cities like Beijing and Shanghai, it's hard to relate to such a story. With thirty million people surging around, whether on the street or in the subway, how could they possibly meet again? Even if they did, their weary, exhausted faces wouldn't be seen by their former lovers; they'd probably just want to escape as quickly as possible.
Don't look back. Don't look back.
Fortunately, it was the weekend, and Xiao Ju had said beforehand that she could come over to keep her company anytime. Fang Kaixuan felt selfish, but she also kind of enjoyed the feeling.
Life is fragile, and it's truly fortunate to have someone who's always willing to catch you.
She hailed a car to the airport, and the driver arrived early and waited downstairs. Fang Kaixuan peered out of the living room window; the car was parked quietly in the shadow of the trees.
For the driver, it's just one of countless orders.
Fang Kaixuan wished time would stand still and not move on.
But she was already urging him to take his luggage downstairs.
The longer you delay, the more upset you'll become, and the harder it will be to go out. Just treat it as an ordinary outing.
Please remember to go home at dusk.
The car drove away, like a movie scene playing frame by frame, the background music automatically playing in my mind—a familiar melody, but I couldn't recall which song it was. Fang Kaixuan was fairly satisfied with himself; at least he hadn't shed tears in front of the other person. The last expression he showed was a smile, until the car disappeared at the end of the street.
Goodbye, my love.
Xiao Ju arrived just in time, and the two of them, in silence, made an exception and ordered a whole strawberry cream cake to eat. Xiao Ju usually works out, and Fang Kaixuan avoids sugar, so they almost never touch sugary or oily mixtures like this. They reserve their limited portions for when they're heartbroken, like Chandler in *Friends* who, after a breakup, is deserving of real ice cream; otherwise, they can only eat tofu.
Today, on this unprecedentedly sorrowful day, is the perfect time to indulge in a hearty meal.
To say he was heartbroken would be an exaggeration; in truth, Fang Kaixuan was quite calm. He was sad, but it was a different kind of sadness—pure sadness from parting—from the mixed emotions of anger stemming from being betrayed.
As he ate, Fang Kaixuan suddenly felt a pang of sadness. He had probably never tasted such a soft and sweet flavor before.
In their time, sugar and oil mixtures were considered harmful and addictive substances. Disciplined people would never touch them.
Fang Kaixuan suddenly realized that progress doesn't necessarily bring happiness. If you give up junk food, cream cakes, all kinds of alcohol, as well as love and impulsiveness, what's left in life?
With cream still on his lips and hands, Fang Kaixuan hugged Xiao Ju tightly. Thank you for such genuine love, which gives one a foothold and a sense of peace even in emptiness.
Xiao Ju patted her gently, as if lulling a baby to sleep or soothing a kitten. She knew Fang Kaixuan was bound to have nightmares that night. Before, Xiao Ju often slept at her house, giving her a sense of security.
Goodnight, my dear. All the words she wanted to say had already been sung out.
Put aside your worries and take good care of yourself tonight.
///
The gentle south wind kisses my face, unable to express the deep affection in my heart; it is Tsai Chin TT.
First, I caught a fish with a large, round beak, then I watched it through tears. Life is mostly like tofu, but those moments like ice cream—refreshing, sweet, rich, creamy, slightly bitter, or slightly salty—give everything flavor in a coherent memory.
Memories are always meaningful~ Hug
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