Chapter 46: Walking and Walking Again (4) How much I hate you.
Lu Guanque caressed her face, moving his hand downwards, lingering over her body. Noticing something strange, he exhaled warm air, wrapping it around her hand, and groaned, "I'm still not feeling well."
Meng Xuanli's palms were burning hot, as if he was holding a spring, and warm spring water was silently gushing out.
She leaned against Lu Guanque, staring into his red eyes, and said, "I've already torn out two pages of the book you gave me."
Lu Guanque knew very well that she was counting down the days to his death.
"Um."
Lu Guanque lowered his eyes to look at her. Her face was slightly drooping, her shoulders and neck were rosy, and her eyes were bright, like a peeled lychee.
He suddenly realized that, apart from the few bites she'd taken at his provocation, Meng Xuanli had been completely silent since returning. Even when she spoke, her tone was distant and indifferent.
This can't be done.
He couldn't let her go on like this, he had to make her waver, make her feel something, make her bite him.
Lu Guanque's throat was choked, and he asked in a hoarse voice, "Do you like it from the front or from the back?"
A ferocious touch emanated from her palm, and Meng Xuanli's grip loosened slightly. Lu Guanque held her hand, interlocking their fingers and pressing it against the pillow. "If you won't talk, then let's try everything."
Meng Xuanli faced him and suddenly understood the deeper meaning behind his words. She was no stranger to these things, and even after knowing the truth, her body still retained a lingering desire for him.
But when Lu Guanque said to try everything just now, her heart was as calm as ice. She felt that the only thing left between them were these two contradictory bodies.
It had nothing to do with love or desire, they were just doing the most normal thing between men and women. Just like drinking water, he needed it, and she needed it too.
Lu Guanque supported himself on top of her, his strength subtle, as he slowly entered. Meng Xuanli turned her face away, basking in the pillow, a layer of rosy light covering her face. "Lu Guanque, you're too slow..."
She didn't like this feeling, just like that time in Yanjing, when he tortured her inside and out and forced her to feel his presence.
She didn't want to feel his presence, nor did she want to follow his will.
What she wanted, she could continue to do even if the person above was not him.
Lu Guanque kissed her lips and said with forbearance: "If you don't like it, why don't you tell me?"
Meng Xuanli's eyes were covered with a layer of mist, but he could still see the red marks on his arms. Although they were scars and showed the signs of time, they were still very scary.
She breathed rapidly: "Tell you, will it help?"
Lu Guanque stopped, released her hands, turned her over, and covered her again. Meng Xuanli's eyes were out of focus, her face buried in the pillow, her vision was plunged into darkness, but her hearing and touch were exceptionally clear.
She knew that he was angry, angry that she didn't want to acknowledge him, and also angry that she didn't want to feel him.
Lu Guanque held her waist steady, his rhythm very slow. Meng Xuanli wanted to interrupt this long-lasting contact, trying to push herself up, but Lu Guanque stopped her and said gloomily, "Just bear with it."
Meng Xuanli was pushed back, feeling herself grow light, so light that she could only feel the pressure from Lu Guanque. His hands rubbed her lips, gripping her softness, the sound of water making the air gurgle, and Meng Xuanli broke out in a thin layer of sweat.
She tilted her head, held the clear liquid in her mouth, and bit his knuckles. Lu Guanque felt pain and leaned over her back, turned her face, and kissed her from behind.
Meng Xuanli's earlobes were red, and the weight on her body was becoming more and more obvious. She rose and fell unconsciously, and said in a dreamy voice, "Lu Guanque, I want to watch you."
Lu Guanque sucked her lips, very patiently, as if he didn't want her to look at him. He lowered his brows, trembling, and increased his strength.
Meng Xuanli's eyes froze, and he felt as if he had turned into waves, rushing towards the sea with great force and never returning.
She was completely out of strength. Lu Guanque let go of her, turned her over, and stayed in her body gently but forcefully.
Meng Xuanli realized what he meant and didn't refute him as she usually did. She just smiled tiredly. Because she understood that for Lu Guanque, some words were just talk and not something he would actually carry out.
If she cared a lot about his promise before, then from this moment on, she would no longer care, as if she had to leave in the future.
I don’t know how long it took, Meng Xuanli closed her eyes drowsily, and gradually fell asleep in his arms.
The sky was just beginning to brighten, and the morning light filtered through, casting faint shadows on the ground. Meng Xuanli, timid, frowned and slowly opened his eyes.
She was alone on the bed. She lifted the covers and found that her clothes had been changed. She said nothing, slipped on her slippers, and sat in front of the dressing mirror.
The woman in the mirror had sparse eyebrows, almond-shaped eyes, rosy lips, and skin as white as snow. No matter how you looked at her, she looked like a fairy banished to the mortal world.
The only difference is the awkward kiss marks on the side of the neck.
The maid knocked on the door and came in with a teacup. Seeing Meng Xuanli sitting there calmly, she whispered, "Madam, the Duke said that when you wake up, you should go to the front hall."
lobby?
Meng Xuanli tilted his head, took the tea, and took a sip: "I understand."
As she spoke, she slowly stood up, walked to the other side of the screen, and ordered, "The weather is getting a bit cold, help me find a thicker cloak."
The little maidservant responded and left. Meng Xuanli took advantage of her inattention, carefully took out the medicine bottle, poured it on his hand, and put a few contraceptive pills in his hand.
After dressing, Meng Xuanli arrived at the front hall. Seeing so many people present, Lu Guanque remained calm and gentle. Unable to understand why, she nodded slightly and walked over to Lu Guanque's side.
Lu Guanque stretched out his hand and put his arm around her waist: "Pick a few you like and keep them by your side to serve you."
Meng Xuanli looked up at him, feeling that after what happened last night, he was going to repeat his mistakes and spy on her as he did before.
Her ears were filled with the sound of greetings. She nodded, looked away, and pointed at the girls, "You."
Lu Guanque stared at her intently. There was a fine layer of powder on the side of her neck, and beneath the powder were traces of him. Seeing her sit neatly in the chair, Lu Guanque waved his hand, and everyone withdrew, leaving only the two of them in the front hall.
Meng Xuanli thought of Xie Mingtan and said, "I want to go to He's house in a few days." She took the tea handed to her by Lu Guanque.
Lu Guanque sat beside him and took a sip: "From now on, you can go wherever you want, without telling me."
Meng Xuanli frowned. He had clearly sent someone to watch her, and now he was saying that there was no need to tell him. She remained silent, too lazy to guess his intentions. "Thank you."
Lu Guanque extended his hand in front of her. Meng Xuanli was stunned for a moment, then placed her hand on it. Lu Guanque held her hand and said calmly, "Ali, forget the past, let's start over."
Meng Xuanli pondered for a moment and said "hmm" casually.
In fact, she knew very well that Lu Guanque said this out of guilt, or in other words, it was because of the nature of men to get bored with the old and love the new.
If there are two people, then the new one refers to the new person. If there is one person, then the new one refers to the current her.
It is obvious that Lu Guanque likes her now and hates her before.
But he didn't know that the reason she treated him like this was because she was heartbroken, her emotions were numb, and all she had left was the desire to leave.
A broken mirror cannot be mended, they can't go back.
#
In early October, the snow fell slowly in Dongdu. Meng Xuanli and Xie Mingtan sat opposite each other on a couch, silk thread and scissors placed on a small table.
Xie Mingtan, who was embroidering a tiger-head hat, was the first to speak: "I never thought we would meet again."
Meng Xuanli propped up his chin with his hand and looked at her: "I didn't expect that either."
"Don't you regret it?" Xie Mingtan was really shocked when he learned about their affairs when he returned to Beijing. Now seeing Meng Xuanli so calm, he felt that there was something fishy going on.
Meng Xuanli sighed and handed the scissors to her: "At this point, there is nothing to regret." She said this in a nonchalant manner.
Xie Mingtan took it, cut the thread, and placed it on the small table: "This is good. You don't have to hide everywhere. After all the hardships, he won't go crazy looking for you. Just wait until he dies, and then you can leave with peace of mind."
"But..." Xie Mingtan turned his head and looked at her, "You always keep to yourself, which is not a good thing. I see that you have lost a lot of weight. Is it because he treats you badly?"
"I don't know whether it's good or bad. But I know that it's great to be able to come out and talk to you today." Meng Xuanli smiled.
Xie Mingtan pursed his lips and smiled: "Just now, when I was in Jinling, I was worried about you and my third brother at the same time."
Meng Xuanli frowned and asked, "Thank you, Third Master? Aren't you getting married?"
Xie Mingtan waved her hand and asked the maid to leave. There were only two people left in the inner room. She whispered, "Something happened at home. I'm afraid that the marriage between Third Brother and Miss Wang will not be possible."
Seeing her hesitation, Meng Xuanli thought it was a family matter, so he didn't ask any more questions. He changed the subject: "I see that you look much better since you came back. I guess this child is an obedient one."
"How old is he? Can you tell?" Xie Mingtan put the tiger-head hat on the small table and said, "It's not snowing heavily today, why don't we go out and have some fragrant tea?"
Meng Xuanli nodded with a smile: "If I agree in the future, you have to treat me." As she said that, she got off the bed and was about to help Xie Mingtan.
Xie Mingtan lowered his eyes and patted her hand: "Don't be so nervous, it's only been more than two months. It's still early, there's still time to treat guests."
Snowflakes were falling, the sun was shining brightly, and the two of them rode in a carriage to Danqing Tower.
Meng Xuanli stood by the window, holding a cup of hot tea, and suddenly realized that she hadn't felt this peaceful in a long time. The aroma of tea lingered, distracting her attention.
Seeing her lost in thought, Xie Mingtan turned to her back and asked, "Xuan Li, you and him have been married for over two years, but you still don't have a child. Why is that?"
Meng Xuanli turned around and shook his head: "I don't want to."
She sighed, "...In my opinion, the birth of a child should be a happy thing. But to him...don't even mention happiness or children."
Xie Mingtan thought for a moment, nodded, and whispered, "Do you need me to get you some contraceptive pills?"
Meng Xuanli looked up and felt that Xie Mingtan thought the same as he did, so he smiled and said, "No need, I have it."
She slowly approached and sat on the chair. Xie Mingtan's stomach rumbled and he said awkwardly, "I'm a little hungry now. Let's serve some food."
After saying that, Meng Xuanli stood up, opened the door, waved to the outside, glanced downstairs, and saw a familiar silhouette.
The pool was packed with guests, the light dimmed, and the stage bustling with activity. Lu Guanque, dressed in a dark black robe and a dark blue cloak, stood tall and straight. Beside him stood a gentle woman in a silver-red jacket and skirt.
The waiter ignored her instructions and bowed to hand over the food card: "What do you want, madam?"
Meng Xuanli withdrew his gaze, paused, and said in shock: "Boxia Gong."
"Put some Daigo in the clear soup, and don't put too many Sichuan peppercorns in the red soup. The meat should be sliced fresh, and the vegetables should be tender... and have someone who can serve the dishes swiftly and skillfully wait behind the screen."
"Okay, I'll go right away."
After the waiter left, Meng Xuanli saw that the figure downstairs had also disappeared. He closed the door and sat back in his chair as if nothing had happened.
Xie Mingtan handed her a cup of tea, and Meng Xuanli took it. The tea was calm, but the reflection of her eyes had some fluctuations.
She uncovered a corner of her heart and realized that these fluctuations seemed to have already appeared, but she had not noticed them. The Miss Zheng he said he would marry that night should be the one just now.
"What are you thinking about? Why are you so absent-minded?" Xie Mingtan waved his hand in front of her.
"No... I didn't think much of anything. I just thought this offering was perfect for winter."
Meng Xuanli held the tea, took a big sip, and put down the teacup. The waiter outside happened to push the door open.
"My two ladies, please enjoy your meal."
Amidst the misty soup, Meng Xuanli suddenly stared at the wine on the table and asked, "What kind of wine is this?"
Xingcai smiled and said, "Lamb wine is the best way to warm yourself up."
As soon as the words fell, Meng Xuanli raised his hand to pour another glass, but Xie Mingtan frowned and stopped him, saying, "I remember you can't drink much, so don't drink it."
Meng Xuanli paused, then put it down: "That's right, if you want to warm up, you don't need to drink alcohol, some hot soup will be fine."
Xie Mingtan nodded and smiled: "I haven't had a drink in a long time."
After tea and dinner, the sky gradually darkened and the snow fell heavily.
When going downstairs, Meng Xuanli saw Lu Guanque and Miss Zheng coming out of the side room from afar. Xie Mingtan followed Meng Xuanli's line of sight, opened his eyes wide, and then fell on Meng Xuanli's face again.
Seeing her clear eyes and calm mind, as if she hadn't seen anything, Xie Mingtan's palms were sweating. He took her arm and whispered, "Be careful of the steps."
Meng Xuanli smiled and said, "I think you need to be more careful than me." As she spoke, she supported Xie Mingtan and lowered her eyes to look at the hems of their skirts.
Step by step, they walked to the bottom of the stairs. Meng Xuanli said, "I know about the arranged marriage, Mingtan. There's no need to be so surprised."
In fact, she could have covered it up, but she still expressed her attitude.
Xie Mingtan bit his lip, not knowing what to say for a moment. He looked awkwardly at the snow outside the building and sighed deeply: "I'm afraid of you, afraid that you'll feel bad."
The two of them got into the carriage. Meng Xuanli thought for a moment and said, "It's not that bad. This is a good thing for me. Maybe in the future, I can visit you every day."
"I hope you don't find me annoying when the time comes."
Xie Mingtan held her hand and sighed deeply: "Since you said so, how could I be annoyed?"
The two looked at each other and laughed.
When Meng Xuanli returned to Puyuan, she didn't see Lu Guanque. Thinking he hadn't returned yet, she went back to Chengju. After washing up, Meng Xuanli's hands and feet were still cold, so she asked the maid to get her some hot water, intending to soak her feet before going to bed.
The night wind blew against the window. Meng Xuanli sat on the edge of the bed, her feet wrapped in warmth. She remembered when she was in Xuzhou, her grandmother would read to her after washing her feet. Sometimes she was so engrossed in listening that she couldn't sleep all night, thinking about the ending.
Just as he was thinking about it, the door opened, Lu Guanque came in and waved his hand, and the two little maids retreated.
Meng Xuanli looked at him deeply through the screen, remaining silent.
Lu Guanque lifted the beaded curtain, walked in front of her, slowly squatted down, and held her foot. The sole of her foot was wrapped in his palm, and the warmth was like a vine, crawling along her calf and all over her body.
Meng Xuanli remained motionless and said, "I'll be done washing soon."
"Yeah." Lu Guanque massaged the soles of her feet and toes, his tone flat, "Did you go to Danqing Tower today?"
Meng Xuanli nodded without saying anything.
Seeing that she was almost done, Lu Guanque picked up a clean cloth beside her and wiped her. His force was not strong, but it was enough to show control.
Meng Xuanli quietly withdrew his feet, moved to lie on the bed, pulled up the quilt, and turned sideways.
"Go and pour out the water."
Lu Guanque looked at her back with a complicated expression in his eyes and said in a restrained tone: "Okay."
After the candle went out, Lu Guanque lay beside her and saw her long hair moving slightly, obviously she was not asleep.
He turned slowly, buried his face in the long hair at the back of her neck, and hugged her: "You saw it, didn't you?"
Meng Xuanli was stunned for a moment, then admitted, "Yes."
She was stunned not because of what she saw, but because she didn't expect Lu Guanque to see her.
"Aren't you angry?" Lu Guanque asked in a low voice.
Meng Xuanli blinked at the darkness, feeling completely bewildered. "Didn't you say before that you wanted to marry Miss Zheng? Why should I be angry?"
"I won't marry her." Lu Guanque breathed hot air into her ear.
Meng Xuanli felt itchy: "That's your business."
Hearing her nonchalant tone, Lu Guanque's expression darkened and he increased the strength of his grip: "I'm walking with another woman, and you're not angry?"
Meng Xuanli frowned, his throat a little dry: "I'm not angry."
After hearing her straightforward statement, Lu Guanque finally couldn't help but say, "Ali, can't you just lie to me?"
"I can't." She had lied before, but now, she didn't want to have any more vague feelings.
"Do you have to make me so angry?" Lu Guanque sneered.
Meng Xuanli took advantage of his relaxed state, turned around, and said calmly: "Am I angry with you?"
"Did I want to come back? Was it me who held you back? Was it me who asked you to marry her? Was it me who asked you to go out with her?"
"No, none of them." Meng Xuanli said in a low voice, "The instigator of all this is you."
"Didn't I tell you that I don't want to see you, I don't want to get back with you, and I don't love you."
"You brought this upon yourself by insisting on trapping me by your side. You should be mad at yourself."
She spoke very quickly, and if you didn't listen carefully, you might think she was accusing her. On the contrary, she was describing something that couldn't be more ordinary.
Lu Guanque tried his best to control his tone: "You said I deserved it, but do you know..."
"How much I hate you."
"I hate that you always leave so easily, I hate that you always ignore me, and I hate even more that you have no reaction to my pain!"
"It would be great if you didn't exist in this world, but I can't bear it. I can't bear to kill you..." Lu Guanque hugged her, his voice became more and more trembling, his eyes became more and more moist, and the burning made Meng Xuanli speechless.
She had never thought that tears would have any meaning, nor had she thought that he would say such words. However, at this moment, she felt like a diamond, eroded by his tears and love.
Snow began to fall outside the window again, and the shimmering white light filtered through like tiny teardrops. Meng Xuanli wanted him to get up and stop holding her.
But he raised his head, laid her body flat, covered her, held her neck with both hands, and said in a hoarse voice: "Let me try."
"See if I can kill you."
The two of them looked at each other, and for each other, it was like the scorching sun, causing pain at the same time.
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The author has something to say: This chapter can be paired with Leo Ku and Zhou Shen's "Tear Bridge"
Please, please, please [Please, please]
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