Chapter 47: Walking Again and Again (5) Transformation.
Meng Xuanli had seen Lu Guanque's expression before. She felt the heat from his palm, and for a moment, she actually hoped that he would strangle her to death.
But his hand paused at her neck, and he was hesitant to make a choice.
She looked at him calmly, holding his wrist, and said calmly: "Didn't you say you wanted to kill me? Do it."
"Do you think I don't dare?" Lu Guanque felt a little sad as if he was hit and fell off a cliff.
Meng Xuanli smiled faintly: "If you dare, why don't you do it?"
"I know the reason why I came back with you, and you know it even better. If you want to confirm whether I care about you or whether I love you, I will tell you clearly -"
"No." She said in a slightly higher voice.
"As for whether you remarry, it has nothing to do with me. My only goal is to wait for you to die peacefully and then leave."
"Lu Guanque, I understand your nature, and you understand it too. You can ask yourself, is this what you wanted?"
Lu Guanque choked, feeling lost, like a moth that couldn't find its way to the darkness. He let go of her neck, suddenly realizing that the relationship between him and her had never been what he wanted.
He wanted her to love him, but she wouldn't.
He loved till now, and now he has nothing left.
Meng Xuanli stroked the scar on his arm with his thumb and said slowly, "This place actually provides the best explanation."
Lu Guanque met her sharp gaze, his nasal cavity felt sore, and he felt pain and detachment. He raised his hand, covered her eyes, and tried to throw away some distant obsession.
His answer stopped in his throat and he sighed: "Go to sleep."
Meng Xuanli's long eyelashes fluttered at his palm. In a moment, the darkness in front of his eyes disappeared, replaced by the sound of his leaving footsteps.
Meng Xuanli slowly sat up and looked at the blurry door behind the screen. He felt that he should have told him this earlier, even though he knew it in his heart.
#
After coming out of Chengju, Lu Guanque sat alone in the study. There was a painting on the desk. The woman in the painting was like the moon, eternal and unchanging, hanging in the dark purple sky.
He stared for a long time, and felt deeply that he had never felt detached and confused before. Even when his mother passed away and his father left, he had never felt this way.
As a young man, Lu Guanque studied painting with a renowned teacher. The teacher said that young people admire elaborate works, but only as they grow older do they realize that simplicity is the most precious quality. At the time, he didn't understand the meaning of this statement, but now, in his view, the colors of his painting are too vibrant, just like his feelings for Meng Xuanli, so intense that they frighten her.
Most of the time, Lu Guanque didn't notice these feelings. He didn't want to hurt her at first, and he was also clear that he wanted to treat her well. But today, he realized that he was like sinking into a swamp, becoming disgusting and covered in mud.
Even in the process of falling, he held Meng Xuanli's hand tightly, trying to make her fall with him.
He shouldn't have done this, he shouldn't have implicated her like this.
Lu Guanque slowly stood up, with no expression on his face, tore up the painting, walked to the candle and quietly lit it.
Instantly, flames and ashes rose. [1]
He said softly: "From now on, I won't force you anymore."
Uncle De came in at this moment, looking embarrassed: "My Lord, this was sent by Miss Zheng."
Lu Guanque raised his eyes and looked in the direction of Chengju: "Open it and tell me after reading it."
Uncle De carefully opened the note and read it through. "It says that he will come to your house tomorrow to visit you in person."
"Tomorrow?" Lu Guanque frowned. "Visit me?"
Uncle De stood to one side and handed him the invitation. "It's strange. The Duke clearly explained everything to Miss Zheng today, so why did she still come?"
"Knowing there's a tiger in the mountain, yet going there..." Lu Guanque took the note, thought for a moment, and said in a low voice, "I'm afraid she didn't come here to see me."
"You stay at home tomorrow and look after her."
"yes."
#
A gentle breeze blew, and the afternoon winter sun poured down on the back garden. After dinner, Meng Xuanli felt depressed and decided to go to the pavilion in the back garden to enjoy some fresh air.
The maidservant in the corridor saw her coming out and hurried forward, saying respectfully, "It's cold now, Madam, you should put on more clothes."
Meng Xuanli didn't take it seriously at first, but when he looked closely, he felt the face in front of him looked familiar. "Did you come here yesterday?"
"Yes. This servant was chosen by Madam." As she said that, she went into the house and got a cloak for Meng Xuanli.
Meng Xuanli nodded, raised his eyes to look at the clear sky, and sighed: "From now on, when you are by my side... just call me Fuyao."
Fuyao didn't quite understand, and although she was puzzled, she replied, "I understand."
"I chose you, and you will be mine from now on, do you understand?" Meng Xuanli looked at her.
Fuyao bit her lip, remembering that she went to the front hall yesterday and thought she would not be chosen, but who knew that the lady would choose her.
She knew that the lady was just making a casual remark, but for her, it solved the current problem. She had heard about Qiu He's story and didn't dare to have any bad thoughts. She only wanted to take good care of the lady, so that she could get more money and live a better life.
"I understand. I will be more careful in the future." As she said this, she supported Meng Xuanli and walked towards the back garden.
Meng Xuanli calmed down and said as he walked, "Don't be so nervous. I just don't like being watched. If he asks you, just know what to say."
Fuyao was surprised and raised her eyes carefully to look at Meng Xuanli's profile. She found that when she said those two words, her expression was calm, without a trace of emotion.
Meng Xuanli sat on the stone bench in the pavilion, smiled slightly, and said, "You go and do your work, I'll sit here for a while."
Before Fuyao could leave, a little maid came out from the moon cave door, walked up to Meng Xuanli, and bowed respectfully: "Madam, Miss Zheng is here and wants to see you."
"To see me?"
Meng Xuanli supported his chin with his hand, thought for a moment, and said calmly, "Then go and invite him."
After the little maid left, Meng Xuanli turned his head to look at Fuyao and asked, "Do you know Kung Fu?"
"yes."
Meng Xuanli nodded, waved his hand, and whispered a few words to Fuyao.
When Zheng Wanruo walked into the back garden, she looked from afar. Meng Xuanli turned his head and happened to meet her gaze. He thought that Miss Zheng was interesting.
Meng Xuanli didn't stand up, but propped up his chin, speaking calmly, "I heard from the servants that Miss Zheng wanted to see me. Is there something going on?"
Zheng Wanruo seemed to have not expected her to be so calm, and she felt a little flustered: "I have something to say." After she finished speaking, she sat opposite Meng Xuanli.
Meng Xuanli nodded: "There's no one around, Miss Zheng, you can just speak directly."
When Zheng Wanruo was a child, she accidentally broke the Empress Dowager's jade ring while visiting the palace. She thought her father was going to punish her, but Lu Guanque happened to come by and saved her. It was then that she became obsessed with marrying Lu Guanque when she grew up.
But later, she learned that he was going to fulfill his engagement and marry the girl from the Meng family, and also learned that the girl had died in Yanjing. She thought that she had finally waited for the right opportunity.
Unexpectedly, the emperor announced to the outside world that the girl was not dead, and Lu Guanque also told her that he would never marry her in this life, and the reason he met her was to tell her the truth.
She just felt like a joke, being fooled around by the emperor and Lu Guanque, but the source of all this, in general, was the Meng Xuanli in front of her.
Zheng Wanruo was feeling depressed. Although she knew it was wrong to do so, when faced with Lu Guanque and Meng Xuanli, she would still choose Lu Guanque first and abandon the others.
"I can help you leave. I promise that Lu Guanque will never find you in this life." Zheng Wanruo's voice was firm.
Meng Xuanli suddenly raised his eyes and looked at her intently: "Do you know about me?"
"Not only do I know it." Zheng Wanruo met her gaze again, "I know it by heart."
Meng Xuanli narrowed her eyes, feeling that this woman was no ordinary woman. She paused and repeated, "You said you would help me leave, and you said you knew everything about me..."
"Do you want this position?"
Zheng Wanruo shook her head, then nodded: "Yes and no."
"What I want is for you to leave, and for him to only have me physically and mentally."
Meng Xuanli's eyelashes flickered. She couldn't believe that someone would actually be willing to approach Lu Guanque. She repeatedly asked, "Are you sure you can help me leave? Do you want to be with Lu Guanque?"
"Sure, and certain." Zheng Wanruo smiled. She had the ability.
Seeing her like this, Meng Xuanli originally wanted to stop Zheng Wanruo's crazy behavior, but he was already in prison, so there was no need to worry about others.
She poured two cups of tea and handed one to Zheng Wanruo: "Lu Guanque is not someone who can be easily deceived. Tell me what you think."
"My father is far away in the frontier, and my mother passed away early. I'm the only one at home. I had already made up my mind when I came here. I'll ask you to go out in a few days. On the surface, it's to go out and pray for blessings, but in fact, you will fake your death and stay at my house temporarily."
"Lu Guanque would never have thought that I would help you, let alone that you would hide in my house."
"When my father returns to the capital, I will cry, make a scene, and even threaten to hang myself, begging him to come to the palace. His Majesty, mindful of my father's past and present contributions, will surely agree to this marriage. When the time comes, if I marry him as I wish, I will also give you a new identity, and you can go wherever you want."
"How about it?"
Meng Xuanli had a choice. She could wait for seven years, or she could take a chance and leave after they got married in three months.
However, she really couldn't understand why Zheng Wanruo wanted to help her like this. Even if Zheng Wanruo liked Lu Guanque, she wouldn't take such a risk.
Meng Xuanli took a sip of tea and asked, "Miss Zheng, you've said so much. What are your conditions?"
Zheng Wanruo's smile was innocent and bright, with a stinging beauty. She clapped her hands and praised him, "To be honest, before I came here, I thought you were a pushover, someone I could easily get rid of with a few words."
"But now, I feel that if it weren't for Lu Guanque, we might have become friends."
Meng Xuanli cast his gaze into the distance and said with a smile, "We can be friends now."
Zheng Wanruo frowned, walked up to her, and stared into her eyes: "You...you don't like him?"
"Whether they like each other or not, it doesn't prevent two women from being friends." Meng Xuanli nodded. "Besides, I really don't like him."
Zheng Wanruo seemed to have heard some wonderful words. She stepped forward, shook Meng Xuanli's hand, and said gratefully, "If that's the case, then it will be easier."
Meng Xuanli was confused and stunned for a moment before asking again, "So... what are Miss Zheng's conditions?"
Zheng Wanruo sat on the stone bench, her eyes shining: "I want you to tell me about your preferences, food, clothing, housing, life experiences, and everything between you and him."
Meng Xuanli understood that Miss Zheng wanted to look like her, become her, and then stay with Lu Guanque.
She sighed and thought that this was not bad for her. Once the three months were up, Miss Zheng would get what she wanted, and she would be able to completely leave the troubles of Dongdu.
Meng Xuanli responded, "It's just that these things are too many and too complicated, I can't tell you all at once. Besides, there are people from Lu Guanque in this garden."
"That's all right. I'll come to your house every day. If there's a chance, you can tell me about it. If not, just treat it as a stroll through the garden. How's that?"
Meng Xuanli let go of her hand, nodded slightly, and began to simply recount her life and what happened between them, but she deliberately avoided talking about her previous feelings for Lu Guanque.
Zheng Wanruo was listening to Meng Xuanli's childhood stories in a trance. She lay on the stone table, feeling a little sleepy.
Meng Xuanli was talking about his grandmother and was in high spirits. After a while, he didn't hear any response. He turned around and found that Zheng Wanruo had closed her eyes.
She stared at her quietly for a long time, then waved to Fuyao in the distance and whispered, "There was no one around just now, right?"
"Uncle De came here, but I sent him back." Fu Yao said truthfully.
Meng Xuanli nodded and stroked her bangs: "Go and call Miss Zheng's maid over."
"yes."
#
Late that night, Lu Guanque asked, "What did Miss Zheng do when she came here today?"
"I walked around the mansion, but didn't see the Duke, so I went to the back garden."
Uncle De paused for a moment and said, "It just so happened that Madam was also in the back garden. I was standing far away and couldn't see clearly. Later, I asked the maidservant beside Madam, and she said that Madam and Miss Zheng didn't get along. They didn't talk for a few words and then stopped talking."
"They also said that Miss Zheng fell asleep right on the stone table. Later, Madam ignored her and went straight back to her room."
Lu Guanque tilted his head and said calmly, "The two of them don't get along... and she ignores others?"
Lu Guanque pursed his lips slightly: "How is she feeling tonight?"
Uncle De thought for a moment and said, "Madam is just like usual. She read a book after dinner and then went to sleep."
"It's just... I heard from the maid that Madam's hands and feet have been cold lately, and she always has to soak her feet before she can fall asleep at night."
"Maybe it's the cold winter weather," Lu Guanque instructed, "Tomorrow, ask Imperial Physician Yu to take her pulse and prescribe some medicine for her to take good care of herself."
After saying that, Lu Guanque came out of the study, saw darkness in the distance, walked through the corridor, and stood in front of Chengju's door.
The sky was gray and dark, and frost was rising. Lu Guanque hesitated to push the door, not because he didn't dare, but because he couldn't. At this moment, he could be sure of his own existence, but not hers.
He needed to think carefully about what to do with her next and not scare her like before.
#
After waking up, Meng Xuanli received a letter from her uncle Wang, saying that Jiahe had recently learned to eat by herself, but she often got food all over herself, and the maids beside her couldn't help laughing while helping her clean up.
Meng Xuanli wrote back, saying that everything was fine in Dongdu and that he would visit Jiahe in Langya someday. He also thanked his uncles for their care for Jiahe. After handing the letter to Fuyao, Meng Xuanli leaned back against the brocade seat and breathed a sigh of relief.
Now, there was finally something that made her happy.
A few days ago, her attention was always on herself, and she rarely asked about Jiahe and her vague father. Now it seems that except herself, everyone else is pretty good.
The sky was clear and the sunlight was gentle. Imperial Physician Yu knocked on the door. Meng Xuanli glanced over and said, "Imperial Physician Yu? Why are you here?"
Imperial Physician Yu walked to the outer room and bowed. "This morning, the Duke said that Madam was unwell, so he asked me to come and see her."
Meng Xuanli thought about how it had been like that recently and didn't refuse: "I don't know what's wrong, but I always break out in cold sweats at night, and my hands and feet are ice-cold."
Doctor Yu took the patient's pulse and carefully looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he whispered, "Madam, are you still using contraceptive pills?"
Meng Xuanli pursed his lips, a hint of embarrassment flashed in his eyes, and replied, "Yes."
"Women are based on blood. When their qi and blood are full, their bodies are warm and their complexion is radiant." Doctor Yu sighed, "After all, this medicine is not a way to maintain health. Taking it for a long time will harm your body."
"Doctor Yu means that I can't eat it anymore..." Meng Xuanli was very hesitant.
Doctor Yu nodded. "That's right. If Madam takes this medicine for a long time, it will over-consume her Qi and blood. In the winter, her hands and feet will become even colder."
"I hope Madam will consider this carefully."
Meng Xuanli sighed, as if compromising: "I hope Doctor Yu can help me keep this a secret. I..."
"I know how to tell the Duke. I will write a prescription right away." Doctor Yu nodded.
Meng Xuanli was very grateful: "Thank you."
Doctor Yu packed up his things, said goodbye and left the room.
At this time, Fuyao came back: "Madam, the letter has been delivered to the post office. When I came back just now, I happened to run into Miss Zheng outside the door."
Meng Xuanli nodded, not asking what happened next: "Pick up everything on the small table, and go get some sun while the weather is nice."
Soon, the two of them walked to the edge of the pond. Seeing the clear water, Meng Xuanli found a swing and sat down. She looked at the fish in the water and inexplicably remembered Zheng Wanruo's words about liking Lu Guanque.
Meng Xuanli didn't deliberately guess the reason behind it, but when she heard such strong feelings, she still felt that her previous feelings for him seemed insignificant.
Meng Xuanli sighed, feeling deeply that the opposite of hatred is love. She had no love now, so naturally no hatred. Between her and him, there was only emptiness and ordinariness.
She slowly raised her eyes and realized that she couldn't think too much about what was happening behind her, because... what she saw were the figures of Lu Guanque and Zheng Wanruo.
In the dim light and the gentle breeze, the two walked on the other side of the pond, keeping a certain distance, surrounded by maids and servants.
Perhaps her gaze was too frank and open, Lu Guanque seemed to notice it, paused, stopped where he was, and looked in her direction.
Meng Xuanli knew that Lu Guanque was ruining the play, and he also knew that Miss Zheng was trying her best to save it.
She smiled slightly, turned her head, and said to Fuyao who was standing beside her: "Go back."
Fuyao was puzzled and blurted out, "Madam, you just came out not long ago and haven't even played on the swing yet, and you want to go back?"
Meng Xuanli admits that some plays can be listened to but not seen in person. Even if she knows they are fake, she knows the ending of every character on stage. Otherwise, she will play them over and over in her mind until her vision blurs.
"It's a bit cold, I don't want to play anymore."
Just as he was about to stand up, Lu Guanque approached. He wasn't as cold as before, but rather concerned. "What did Doctor Yu say?"
Meng Xuanli glanced at it and said, "Nothing, just the weather is getting colder. Just pay more attention to your diet."
When Meng Xuanli saw Zheng Wanruo coming behind him, he stood up and bowed without saying a word.
Lu Guanque's outstretched hand hung in mid-air.
She was wearing pearl earrings today, which moved slightly in the wind, making crisp sounds.
He was deeply impressed by her pair of earrings, which were the pair she wore in a panic at the Mid-Autumn Festival banquet that year.
In the past, he ordered people to replace all her things, except for this pair of earrings, which he kept. Firstly, she liked them, and secondly, he thought they were meaningful.
But now, she was wearing the earrings, and everything between them seemed meaningless.
Zheng Wanruo walked to Lu Guanque's side and looked up at him: "Meng Xuanli's earrings are quite beautiful."
Lu Guanque avoided her gaze and tried to find Meng Xuanli's gaze: "If you like it, you can go buy it."
Zheng Wanruo didn't agree with this answer: "I want you to buy it for me."
"I won't." Lu Guanque said in a low voice, "Whether in this life or the next." He emphasized.
"You will. You definitely will." Zheng Wanruo's words, more often than not, seemed to be spoken to herself.
She was a playful person, so she just sat on the swing. Lu Guanque turned around, his face suddenly darkening: "Get up."
Zheng Wanruo looked up at him and smiled, "I'll sit down."
Lu Guanque stepped back a few steps, waved his hand, and said to Uncle De, "Cut the rope of the swing and tie a new one."
Zheng Wanruo had come today to discuss praying with Lu Guanque, but now that he was clearly treating her like air, she no longer felt like discussing the matter. She rolled her eyes and stood up to leave.
The swing rope was completely cut. Lu Guanque gave a few instructions and after arranging everything, he walked to the door of Chengju and knocked.
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The author has something to say: [References]
[1] See Lu Xun’s Dead Fire
The full text consists of four volumes
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