Chapter 48 Kneeling and asking his ex-wife (1) Go away.
Meng Xuanli was reading when he heard the noise outside and paused. Fuyao stood nearby, blinking frantically at Meng Xuanli, as if asking if he should open the door.
Meng Xuanli propped his chin on his hand, staring at the words in the book: "Love is as deep as the sea, love is bottomless; righteousness is as heavy as the mountain, righteousness is even higher," with an expressionless face. [1]
"Ali."
That's how he addressed her the first time she saw him after returning to Beijing. For a long time afterwards, he continued to call her that, whether he was happy or sad, angry or mournful. But this time, his voice was extremely soft, as soft as lifeless water.
After a while, Lu Guanque heard no sound and hesitantly and nervously pushed the door open. He walked slowly to the outer room and saw Meng Xuanli staring at the pages of a book, his expression focused, as if blocking out everything else.
The little maid Fuyao was very tactful. After bowing to the two of them, she closed the door and left.
Lu Guanque sat on the other side of the Arhat couch, his arms resting on the pillow, his fingertips trembling.
Meng Xuanli didn't raise his eyes, flipped to the page he was reading, and asked casually, "What's up?"
"Don't take contraceptive pills secretly in the future. It's not good for your health." He knew that Doctor Yu didn't tell him the truth, and he also knew that Meng Xuanli was deliberately hiding it from him.
Meng Xuanli was stunned for a moment, staring at the words in the book without any guilt: "How did you know?"
"I saw your cuffs by the Yu River in Yanjing." Lu Guanque spoke in a low voice, looking straight at the woman in front of him.
Meng Xuanli never looked up at him, but her two earrings were like her eyes, twinkling and silently judging him.
"I know you don't want to have a child, and I know I've hurt you before, but from today on, if you don't want to, I won't force you."
"I just ask you to stop hurting yourself."
He wanted to love her well and make up for her. Even if she didn't love him, he wanted her to be happier and safer, and not be so indifferent and cold anymore.
"I understand that what I did before suffocated you. I feel sorry for you. So... I want to do my best to be good to you, at least, to make you no longer afraid."
After a moment, Lu Guanque stood up, knelt on one knee in front of her, looked up at her profile, and found that she was still reading, her eyes calm, her breathing slow, and she refused to even give him an inch of her gaze.
"Ali, can you please look at me?"
He reached out and grabbed the hem of her skirt. In the past, kissing, holding hands, and hugging her were all normal things, but now, the only thing he could hold on to was this one inch of skirt, and even that inch of skirt was immediately pulled back by her.
Meng Xuanli remained silent. If he hadn't said this, she might have ignored him. But now that he had said this, she treated him as an evil beast in immortal robes. Perhaps he would return to his true nature in the next moment.
"not good."
When she read the words in the book, "If you don't know how to be romantic, don't talk nonsense about love. Love alone is a waste of time. If you can understand the meaning of love, you won't be ashamed to be called a romantic," she suddenly remembered the story Lu Guanque had told her.
Du Shiniang mistakenly recognized Mr. Li, and the precious pearls and jade were given to the blind man, so that kindness turned into hatred, just like the kindness between them, which turned into flowing water...[2]
Meng Xuanli closed the book and sighed, "Shi Niang's sincere love was ultimately betrayed by Li Jia. Just like me before, you didn't trust me, you didn't cherish me. Now, why do you have to compromise like this?"
Men throughout history are nothing more than this: when they are in your hands, by your side, they are fearless and don't care. But when you lose them, when they leave, they cling to them again, saying things like gratitude and love, but they are just like flowing water.
Hurt is hurt, and no amount of joy can whitewash the hurt. It is not vice versa.
"I don't feel wronged. I just want... to make you happier and safer while I'm alive." Lu Guanque saw her turn her head away and look towards the window, trying to avoid him.
He was nervous and asked carefully, "Is it okay?"
Meng Xuanli looked out the window and found that the sky was gradually darkening. The moon was hanging in the sky. After a while, it hid in the black clouds, and a dripping sound appeared in the courtyard.
She guessed that the moon must be crying.
"Actually, I'm very happy when you're not in front of me." She retracted her gaze, lowered her eyes, and met his moist eyes.
Whether it was the woman he imagined or the real her, Lu Guanque had never seen Meng Xuanli with such an expression. This gaze, full of sharp angles and almost divine, was enough to peck at his vital points. [3]
One of them was kneeling and the other was sitting, one low and one high. Meng Xuanli looked at them for a long time and felt a little dizzy. She leaned against the backrest and her eyes naturally fell on the roller blinds.
In fact, she didn't need to say so much to him, she just needed to maintain a normal conversation, but every word he said was like a pebble left on the beach after the tide, which would prick her feet if she wasn't careful.
"Then... then I'll try not to let you see me in the future, Ali, and let me love you again, okay?"
not good.
Not good at all.
Meng Xuanli found words about love from his memory. He once said to her, "I love you." At that time, she said to him, "I will never leave you." But now, he can say the same words, but she can no longer respond.
There was a cold rain outside the window and thunder suddenly sounded. Meng Xuanli couldn't help but tremble slightly, then he calmed down.
She looked at the man kneeling on the ground with an expectant expression. The lines were cold and elegant, like a line drawing with almost no color.
She had a strange idea in her mind, put her left foot on his shoulder, paused, and kicked with all her strength: "Get out of here." Her tone was almost indifferent.
Meng Xuanli pulled her legs back, slipping on her slippers as she walked to the door and called out to Fuyao. Fuyao responded, carrying a wooden bucket. She walked around the screen, into the inner room, and began to soak her feet.
Lu Guanque fell to the ground, watching her back gradually become blurred.
Even though Meng Xuanli was growing increasingly distant from him, Lu Guanque didn't want to leave. Based on past conversations, Lu Guanque knew clearly that it was normal for Meng Xuanli's attitude to remain unchanged.
In other words, as long as he is alive, he has the opportunity to love her, take care of her, and make up to her with all his strength, even if she doesn't want to see him.
In the blurred vision, Meng Xuanli seemed to be lying on the bed. Lu Guanque brushed away the ashes, stood up and left Chengju.
#
"Duke, when Miss Zheng left, she asked you to go to Shunhe Tower tomorrow to accompany her to watch a play." Uncle De stood outside the door, speaking in a difficult tone.
Lu Guanque walked away and replied, "No."
"Miss Zheng also said that if you don't go, then let your wife go. Someone has to accompany her." Uncle De lowered his head and didn't dare to look at him.
Lu Guanque wanted to refuse, but when he thought of Meng Xuanli's love of watching plays, he paused and said, "Let Ali go..."
He pushed open the study door, then thought about the two of them not getting along, and said indifferently, "Go ask Ah Li tomorrow. If she's willing to go, then go. If not, just reject the one from the Zheng family."
"yes."
Uncle De stood beside the desk, watching Lu Guanque pick up a pen to write something, and asked curiously, "What is the Duke doing...?"
"Are you writing a letter to Lord Meng?" he was surprised.
Lu Guanque spread out the paper, dipped it in ink, and wrote in one go: "Uncle De, I regret this."
"Whether it's her family, her friends, or even that bastard Wei Yuan, I shouldn't threaten them."
"I can't let her be afraid of me anymore."
Uncle De was stunned for a moment, then said, "Duke, have you figured it out?"
"Yes." Lu Guanque took another piece of letter paper and began to write to Wei Yuan, "I don't have much time left. While I am still healthy, I will do my best to make up for it."
Uncle De was dazed, feeling like he had never met Lu Guanque. In his eyes, Lu Guanque had been blessed with everything since childhood. Even after that incident, he was still a spirited and elegant young man. But now, because of Meng Xuanli, he put his life and death aside and acted like a humble person.
Uncle De sighed deeply, "My Lord, please don't say that. Imperial Physician Yu said that as long as you take good care of yourself and don't get too excited or too sad, you'll be fine."
"Besides, Madam is not such an unreasonable person. As long as the Duke does not do such horrible things again, Madam may forgive you."
Lu Guanque paused for a moment, then shook his head: "Uncle De, you don't understand her. She..."
"I hurt her too badly."
Uncle De lowered his head to grind, then nodded. Lu Guanque smiled helplessly and continued writing: "Once these are finished, send people to Xuzhou, Lingnan, Yanjing, and Jinling respectively."
“It must be handed over to them.”
"Yes." Uncle De agreed.
When Lu Guanque finished writing, it was already Yin time. He lay on the bed, frowning, as if dreaming of the past.
#
On this day, as dusk fell, the red lanterns in front of Shunhe Building were already lit. Before Meng Xuanli even entered the building, she could smell the sweet aroma of cosmetics and cakes.
"Madam, Miss Zheng sent someone to say that she is waiting for us on the second floor." Fu Yao sniffed and helped Meng Xuanli walk in.
Meng Xuanli nodded. She agreed to go to Shunhe Building, ostensibly to watch the show, but actually to confront Zheng Wanruo and talk about the past and her departure.
Today, the story of the White Snake Lady and Xu Xuan was being sung in Shunhe Tower. Meng Xuanli lifted her skirt and went upstairs, feeling that it was very appropriate for the occasion.
The best seat on the second floor was covered with a beaded curtain. A flicker of light flashed behind it. It must be Zheng Wanruo. Meng Xuanli lifted the curtain and entered, taking a seat slightly closer to the stage.
"I've only read storybooks before, but I didn't expect that with this background, it would have a fairy-like air." Zheng Wanruo behaved very gently and dignifiedly when she went out.
Meng Xuanli raised her eyes to look at the stage and pursed her lips: "Miss Zheng, are you here to watch the show today?"
The two people's eyes never met, like two distinct silk ribbons.
After a while, the waiter brought the food tray. Zheng Wanruo waved and asked for lychee yogurt.
She took a bite and replied, "Yes and no."
"The play you want to watch hasn't started yet. The one you don't want to watch has already started." Zheng Wanruo waved her hand, and the maids around her retreated.
She continued, "The last time you talked about your childhood, I was so sleepy."
"This time, I want to hear about what happened between you and him."
Meng Xuanli's eyes froze for a moment, then he turned his head and met Zheng Wanruo's eyes: "There's nothing going on between him and me."
Zheng Wanruo didn't believe it: "The more you say that, the more trouble there is."
"Let me guess."
She suddenly stood up and closed the door, plunging the private room into darkness. Meng Xuanli raised his gaze slightly and narrowed his eyes. "Miss Zheng, you're well aware of this matter. Why are you asking me again?"
"I want you to say it yourself."
Zheng Wanruo spoke in a low voice, but a smile remained on her lips. Although she knew the technique by heart, it was all superficial work, not detailed.
She wanted Meng Xuanli to tell her in person every detail of their relationship.
In her opinion, Lu Guanque would stare at even something as small as an earring for a long time. Therefore, only by knowing the details between them could she arouse Lu Guanque's interest.
Meng Xuanli didn't want to recall the past at all, but when she thought of Zheng Wanruo's promise to help her leave, she sighed and said calmly, "I have a bad memory and have forgotten a lot. How about this, you ask and I answer."
Zheng Wanruo walked forward, resting her arms on the armrests of Meng Xuanli's chair, looking down at her: "When was the first time you met?"
Meng Xuanli frowned slightly, intentionally avoiding talking about Xuzhou: "The summer of the year before last."
Zheng Wanruo lifted her face with one finger and made her look directly at her: "What color were you wearing that day?"
How could he remember this? Meng Xuanli said without hesitation: "I don't know."
"Think about it again."
Seeing that she would not give up until she reached the Yellow River, Meng Xuanli casually said, "Moonlight white."
Zheng Wanruo nodded and continued, "What do you usually do to make him laugh?"
Meng Xuanli wanted to die, but he turned away from her fiery gaze and replied, "Read a book."
"Reading?" Zheng Wanruo was a little skeptical of this answer and asked again, "Where...does he like to kiss you?"
Meng Xuanli's words stopped in his throat and he didn't know what to say for a moment.
"Hey!" Zheng Wanruo saw that she was stunned and waved her hand in front of her eyes, "Why aren't you talking?"
"Lips." Meng Xuanli closed his eyes, trying his best to avoid these questions.
"Besides lips, where else?" Zheng Wanruo seemed curious. "How long does he kiss you at a time? When you're in bed, does he prefer the front or the back?"
Meng Xuanli was stunned by the question. He stood up suddenly and pointed at Zheng Wanruo in disbelief: "You...you...I don't want to answer these."
"If you're interested, try it with him more often in the future, and then... you'll know."
Zheng Wanruo nodded: "That's right, I don't care about these things anyway."
Meng Xuanli sat back in his chair, drank a cup of tea, and gathered his thoughts. "Has Miss Zheng finished her questions?"
"No." Zheng Wanruo's voice was slightly higher. "I heard him usually call you Ah Li. Besides that, is there any other name that is similar to mine?"
Meng Xuanli rubbed his temples and didn't want to answer anymore.
"Never mind. You're not important. I'm important." Zheng Wanruo sat down, took a sip of tea, and said calmly, "Why does he like you?"
Meng Xuanli frowned, a little annoyed: "If you want to know, go ask him."
Zheng Wanruo felt powerless, and after trying to soften her tone, she said vaguely, "If I could find out by asking him, why would I bother asking you?"
"When he's with me, he doesn't even want to say a word, even..." He didn't even look at her. Zheng Wanruo didn't want to say the rest, she was afraid that in the end, all her efforts would be in vain.
"Forget it, tell me how you leave."
Meng Xuanli said indifferently, "I will prepare everything that needs to be prepared in the next two months. On New Year's Eve, it is natural to go out and pray for blessings in a harmonious atmosphere."
"Lu Guanque will not refuse, nor will he doubt. However, Ms. Zheng needs to prepare a reason for not being present."
Zheng Wanruo ate too much cheese and her throat felt a little uncomfortable.
She took a sip of tea, cleared her throat, and said firmly, "Don't worry, I'll pretend to be sick that day. The people around me will go to help you."
"Okay." Meng Xuanli smiled slightly, "Let's not meet again in the next two months." She didn't want to be asked this question again.
Zheng Wanruo looked at Meng Xuanli's expression and suddenly remembered the scene she saw by the pond yesterday.
At that time, her focus was on Lu Guanque, but Lu Guanque's focus was on Meng Xuanli. After Meng Xuanli left, Lu Guanque's hand hung in the air for a long time.
Zheng Wanruo nodded: "Okay, I'll contact you then. I'm a little tired, so I'll go back first. The drama outside is not over yet, please feel free to do as you please."
Meng Xuanli, considering that it was getting dark, said a simple goodbye to her and returned home.
Lu Guanque was in the front hall discussing matters with He Ruheng. Afterward, he waited and waited, but Meng Xuanli didn't return. He wanted to go look for her, but she didn't want to see him. So he sent Uncle De to look for her. Seeing Meng Xuanli return safely, he felt relieved.
Meng Xuanli was walking along the corridor when she happened to run into Lu Guanque. He extended his hand, blocking her path: "I have something to tell you."
Meng Xuanli's eyes were clear as he said calmly, "Let's talk about it here."
"There are too many people here, I can't tell you."
Lu Guanque extended his hand toward her. Meng Xuanli was startled, but considering the servants around her, she didn't want to offend Lu Guanque. She placed her hand on his sleeve, and together they walked into Chengju.
Lu Guanque closed the door, went to the inner room, and handed the things to Meng Xuanli.
Meng Xuanli's eyes widened. This was the booklet that Lu Guanque had forced her to burn. She asked in surprise, "Isn't it... turned to ashes?"
Lu Guanque moved his lips and knelt on one knee in front of her: "I know this is something you cherish. I destroyed it before, but now... I looked through the books and copied it out based on my memory."
Meng Xuanli felt like he'd been struck by a meteor hammer. He suddenly threw the booklet aside and stepped back. "What are you doing this for? Are you deliberately provoking me... or are you trying to force me?"
Lu Guanque watched her frantic movements, feeling an indescribable hatred in his heart. Not towards her, but towards himself. He hated his former cruelty, and also hated his former coercion.
It was him who made her like this.
His sin is too great.
Lu Guanque stood up carefully, walked to her, and held her hands: "Ali, I don't want to provoke you, nor do I want to force you."
"I wanted to make it up to you. I've added many paintings to it. If you go to Lingnan in the future, you won't get lost, nor will you easily run into bandits."
The palms and backs of his hands were burning hot. Meng Xuanli lowered his eyes, looked at the blue veins on the back of his hands, took a deep breath, and tried to calm himself down: "You don't have to be like this."
"I have forgotten all that happened in the past."
"You were in so much pain back then, how could you possibly forget?" Lu Guanque raised his hand and placed it on top of her head. His breathing was tense, his voice soft, afraid to say something that would hurt her again.
Meng Xuanli let go of his hand and suddenly saw the scar on his wrist. She blurted out, "What is this?"
Why are there scars on his wrists?
Lu Guanque placed his other hand in front of her eyes and said softly, "Ali, it's nothing."
Meng Xuanli pursed her lips and said, "I'll keep the booklet." Her eyelashes fluttered, but her eyes were cold. "There's no need to hurt yourself."
Lu Guanque felt depressed.
She still saw it.
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The author has something to say: [References]
[1][2] Quoted from Feng Menglong’s “Stories to Warn the World”
[3] Metaphorical reference to the fusion of Achilles' death and Prometheus's wound
[Briefly talk about the origins of the names of the male and female protagonists]
Meng Xuanli: "Xuanli" is a night-shining pearl from the Liang Kingdom during the Warring States Period, as famous as the "He Shi Bi" of the time. The Xuzhou area, where the heroine once lived, was the seat of the Liang Kingdom during the Warring States Period. Interestingly, I initially struggled with the heroine's surname. I tried several, but none of them satisfied me. Then I remembered the scene in Dream of the Red Chamber where the stubborn stone descends to earth, and that's when I settled on the heroine's surname. "Meng" and "meng" are homophones, suggesting that the pearl's journey through the human world is but a dream. Hence, this imagery is mentioned in two of the previous chapters. Of course, in the novel, they are just dreams. The heroine's dreams are actually like a mirror, foreshadowing the future, yet also capable of being shattered and altered.
Lu Guanque: Guan means to admire and examine, while Que means "palace" and "tomb," and also the same as "que," meaning lack. As for Lu, it was a random choice. This name actually reflects the protagonist's life.
P.S.: Actually, each character's name is closely related to the character itself. I will talk about them one by one when I have time.
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