Chapter 65. Crossing the Heart. Did I tell you today...?
It rained in Qingshui Town that day.
The rain pattered and tapped against the stone tablet, producing a crisp echo. The rain, like mist, connected with the gray sky, enveloping the entire mountain in a desolate atmosphere.
Xia Chan was wearing a black baseball cap, black cargo pants, and a black hoodie, with the cuffs of her pants slightly stained with mud.
Holding a black umbrella and carrying a large crossbody bag, she walked from a distance to a tombstone, stopped, put down the bag, opened it, and took out its contents one by one.
First came a bouquet of flowers, her favorite pink lilies of the valley.
Then there were some fruits, pastries, mahjong tiles...
"Little old lady, I've come to see you."
Rainwater splashed into the edge of the umbrella above her head and dripped down her chin. After arranging everything, she looked up at the photo on the tombstone and smiled gently at it.
The tombstone is inscribed with the words: The Tomb of Ms. Xia Shengnan.
The old woman in the photo is gentle and kind, and seems to always be smiling optimistically. I can quietly face her across time and space.
The endless rain seemed to isolate them from everything else, and only this small corner allowed them to talk. She raised her hand and gently wiped the water droplets off her photo. "How come you still look so young?"
She placed the umbrella to the side, took out a plastic bag from her bag, and chatted while picking up the old mahjong tiles from before.
“I came here to tell you that we are all fine. I am fine, and so are Siyi and the others. You don’t need to worry.”
“Siyi has been going to the hospital less often these past few months, and Huangmao has found a new job delivering food. Our lives in Shanghai are getting better and better.”
"I also ran into someone else, and you'd never guess who it is. Can you guess?"
"Alright, then I'll tell you! It's Chen Zhoudu, the one you used to talk about all the time, Xiao Du. He's even more amazing and handsome than before, and he's a big star now..."
The rain seemed to be gradually lessening, and a breeze stirred the lilies of the valley beside the tombstone, as if they were silently responding to something.
Xia Chan's eyes reddened, but she still tried to smile.
"I don't have much vacation time left, so I probably won't be able to come see you."
"I'll come see you again next year."
"Old lady, you must take good care of yourself, and I will too. You take good care of my grandmother over there, and I will take good care of your granddaughter for you..."
As I picked up the umbrella, stood up, and turned around, a figure suddenly appeared in my field of vision.
One meal.
Chen Zhoudu was dressed in black, holding a black umbrella and a bunch of yellow and white chrysanthemums in his arms. He seemed to be a manifestation of the rain curtain that filled the sky.
He stood a few steps away from her, his eyes deep and intense.
I gazed at him intently through the layers of rain and mist.
Xia Chan was stunned, staring silently at him, her eyes suddenly reddening.
She desperately wanted to escape, but the world was filled with torrential rain, and she had no idea where to go. She lowered her head and wept uncontrollably.
-
The heavy rain was still falling. Not far from the cemetery, there was a temporary rain shelter. Xia Chan and Shen Zhoudu stood side by side under the shelter, watching and listening to the rain.
Xia Chan, wearing Chen Zhoudu's coat, whispered after a long while, "I'm sorry."
Chen Zhoudu's voice was low and hoarse, "Why...didn't you tell me?"
Raindrops fell along the eaves, forming dense lines. Xia Chan took a deep breath, gazed at the rain-streaked sky, and smiled faintly, "At first, I didn't want to have much interaction with you in the future, and I felt there was no need to say anything."
She looked at him and said, "Later... I don't know what to say."
He quietly turned his head to look into her eyes, his own eyes slightly red with tears, his Adam's apple bobbing. "When did this happen..."
Her voice was terribly hoarse, "What happened to Grandma again..."
"June 8th, XX year," Xia Chan said, "Myocardial infarction."
Chen Zhoudu stared at her in disbelief, as if struck by lightning, his throat gripped, his breath taken away.
Xia Chan still looked at him calmly, but her gaze turned bitter. "I'm sorry..."
...
After Chen Zhoudu left that year, Xia Chan hadn't really figured out how she wanted to continue the relationship with him. Was she really going to go to university with him? Or would things just fade away...? She had considered many possibilities, but ultimately she just wanted to take it one step at a time and let things take their course.
About two weeks after he left, Grandma suddenly fainted in the courtyard of "Du". Fortunately, a guest found her in time and took her to the hospital, where she was saved.
It was then that Xia Chan learned that her grandmother had been working tirelessly for Si Yi's medical treatment and their studies and lives for many years, and had actually fallen ill from overwork, but she had never said anything about it.
Xia Chan was extremely frightened and deeply regretful.
She regretted that she had spent every day with her grandmother but never noticed her illness or anything amiss. Her first thought was that no matter what, she had to cure her grandmother.
At that time, she didn't want to care about things like the sunken boat crossing or the college entrance exam anymore; they were no longer important. All she wanted was to stay by her grandmother's side, to keep her there forever, and to take care of her.
Grandma naturally strongly opposed her idea, and almost wanted to chase her back to school with a rolling pin.
Having no other choice, she discussed with Huang Mao, Si Yi, and Aunt Chao about taking turns caring for her grandmother, which led to her living a life of shuttling between the ferry, school, and county hospital.
She learned a lot about first aid for myocardial infarction from medical staff, searched for a lot of information online, learned to make nutritious meal plans, and took care of her grandmother day and night without leaving her side. As a result, her grades dropped sharply.
Grandma felt sorry for him, but no matter what she said, he wouldn't listen, so she secretly negotiated with the hospital to stop the treatment.
At that time, they had almost exhausted all their resources to pay for Siyi's surgery and had no extra money left.
Although the neighbors were willing to donate money to them again, they were too embarrassed to ask them for more money since they hadn't paid back what they owed them before.
Xia Chan hesitated several times, and almost signed the application to drop out of school and go out to work.
Just then, Shen Jinghai arrived.
Shen Jinghai said he was willing to give her 300,000 yuan, as payment for the last surgery that Siyi hadn't had time to do yet and that was urgently needed.
His only request was that Xia Chan never contact Shen Zhoudu again, and that she personally shatter all his hopes and sever all ties with him from then on.
Xia Chan felt it was ironic and was also exhausted, so she said to him, "Six hundred thousand."
"I want 600,000."
Shen Jinghai's brows furrowed in disbelief for a moment. She smiled faintly.
"Since your precious son is so important to you, how can a mere 300,000 be enough? I want at least 600,000, Mr. Shen, will you give it to me?"
Shen Jinghai seemed to find the absurdity ridiculous, but in the end, it only turned into a slight, mocking sneer on his face. He nodded in agreement, "Okay."
With the money, Xia Chan's many problems were immediately solved, and she sent her grandmother to a professional rehabilitation center in the county hospital.
During that time, her grandmother was also very surprised by her spending and always suspected that she was doing something behind her back, such as skipping school to work.
Xia Chan patiently explained to her again and again.
“Grandma, I swear, I haven’t skipped class, and I’ve been studying hard all along. These… are from that fundraising platform that Chen Zhoudu recommended to me before, do you remember? These are the funds raised, and many people online are helping you and sending their blessings.”
"I promise you I will study hard, and you promise to let me rest and recover here so I can get my healthy grandma back. After I get into university, we'll travel together and see the sights. I'll go with you to your hometown, Suzhou, okay?"
She didn't tell anyone about this, not wanting Siyi and the others to see this unpleasant side of her, nor did she want them to worry.
That person... has always looked down on them.
Yet she still wanted to protect their meager and pitiful dignity. If they were destined to be the unruly people from the poor, remote areas he described, she wished that person were her.
During that period, her behavior at school was also inconsistent. She often spaced out, her grades fluctuated, and sometimes she almost fainted in the corridor due to lack of sleep.
Even Vice Principal Liu couldn't help but sigh whenever he saw her, feeling both heartache and helplessness, "Xia Chan."
“You have always been a bright child… Although it may seem absurd for me to say this now, I still hope that you can cheer up.”
“We know about your family situation, your grandmother’s illness… and the school will do its best to help you. But you must stay strong! Right now, your family is relying on you alone, and it’s tough for you, I know, but you must grit your teeth and persevere, study hard, get through this, and go to university so that your grandmother can rest easy.”
"Old Liu."
At that time, Xia Chan sat on the pale hospital bed in the school clinic, tilting her head and smiling at him. Her face was even paler than the bed sheet, yet she still had time to make a few jokes.
"What do you think... if I apply to a school in Shanghai?"
"Great! Excellent!" Vice Principal Liu's eyes immediately lit up, and she seemed to have been injected with adrenaline, feeling both gratified and bittersweet.
"Based on your past grades, as long as you maintain this level, you should be able to get into any school in Shanghai except Fudan... No, no... Fudan is no problem either! You have to believe in yourself, and I believe in you too! Just focus on your studies right now, and don't mess around with anything else. If you need money or have any other difficulties, just come to me! Your teacher will help you..."
Xia Chan smiled faintly as she looked at his enthusiastic expression.
"I just want to see... what kind of place that is."
It took away her mother, it took away her dignity;
Despite the many things in her life repeatedly abandoning her because she had nothing, she wanted to prove that she was no less than anyone else.
During that time, Chen Zhoudu would occasionally contact her. He would send her some of his report cards and share some interesting stories about his time in Shanghai;
Or perhaps it's a pink cloud or a beautiful flower that you accidentally discover when you glance up.
Xia Chan rarely responded, but he actually read every single message carefully.
She promised Shen Jinghai that she would cut off all contact with him after the college entrance examination, shatter his hopes, and personally play the villain. However, the care and sharing during those countdown days turned into a slow, agonizing torture.
She was tormented and didn't know how to respond, so she could only leave it there quietly, waiting for it to go its own way and meet its inevitable end.
Countless times when she was on the verge of an emotional breakdown due to studying or life, she wished she could pick up her phone and tell him directly, disregarding everything else: "Chenzhoudu, I'm too tired, I don't want to go to Shanghai anymore."
Tongcheng can never catch up with Shanghai, just as I can never bridge the distance between you and me;
Grandma is sick, very sick. She really wants to see you, and I can't hold on much longer either.
And you're a jerk, do you even know how much of a bastard your dad is!
Your dad is a big jerk, and you're a little jerk!
Why are you here? Why did you mess with me?! You bastard! You bastard!
...
The day before the college entrance examination, Xia Chan stayed in her grandmother's hospital room with her all day and talked to her a lot.
When the stars and moon shone brightly at night, Xia Chan snuggled into her grandmother's bed, just like she did when she was little, and asked, "Grandma, why is our family's inn called 'Ferry'?"
The old man chuckled softly, gently stroking her hair, his gentle voice sounding like he was telling her stories on a summer night when she was a child.
"Isn't life all about 'crossing over'? When there are difficulties, you have to cross over; when there are calamities, you have to cross over... crossing trials, crossing tribulations, helping others, helping yourself... and finally crossing over your own heart, and then crossing over your life."
"So I thought back then... if I opened a hotel, I would name it 'Ferry'! A place for passersby to rest, where they ferry us across, and we ferry them across, for better or for worse, it's all part of the journey through life."
Xia Chan gently nestled her head against her shoulder, her eyes gradually reddening, and one could vaguely hear her calm and peaceful heartbeat.
"But Grandma, sometimes I feel that some things in life are... hard to get through. What should I do?"
"There's nothing you can't overcome. Even if you feel like you can't get through it at the time, you'll find that it's all over after a while." Grandma said with a smile, "All the difficulties you think you can't overcome are actually just the fear in your heart. As long as you are fearless, undaunted, and have no shame, you can overcome them all."
"..." Xia Chan quietly hugged her, a tear sliding down her cheek without saying a word.
"Chanchan." As the moon peeked out from behind the clouds at midnight, Grandma gazed intently at her face, as if trying to imprint her image in her heart, and said sincerely, "You are capable of overcoming all difficulties."
No difficulty can stop you.
"You must also believe that you can overcome all difficulties. If one day you feel that you can't overcome any difficulty, then think of Grandma, think of 'crossing over,' think of today... and then, continue living as usual."
Whether you're happy or unhappy, just live each day as it comes. Then one day you suddenly remember to look back and realize that you've made it through. The sun has always been there, the sea is vast, and the sky is bright.
Xia Chan cried uncontrollably, tears streaming down her face, soaking the pillowcase beside her. She clenched her teeth, remaining silent. After a long, long time, she finally managed a smile and said, "Of course I can get through this..."
Her voice trembled with tears, "I have my grandma, I have Siyi, I have Huangmao, I have 'Du'... When I go to university, get a job, and have money, I'll expand our family's hotel! Then I'll lease it out, and I'll take you all on trips every day, sightseeing, eating, drinking, and having fun. Our family will live together happily and never be separated..."
Grandma smiled and patted her back gently, "Okay."
...
On June 8th, in the last exam room for English, Xia Chan was working on an English reading comprehension question when the pencil she was using to fill in the answer sheet suddenly broke!
At that moment, her heart suddenly started pounding violently, almost leaping out of her chest, an almost uncontrollable physiological reaction that made her want to cry.
She blinked hard, trying to calm herself down and continue reading the question.
"I felt his heart attack in my chest...as he had slipped away."
(I could feel the sensation of his heart attack in my chest... at the moment his life ended.)
"Suffering disappears-love remains."
(Pain will pass—but love will remain.)
"Have I told you today that I love you?"
(Did I tell you I love you today?)
...
After the exam, she rushed back to the rehabilitation center, only to find her grandmother lying there quietly, as if asleep, with even a slight smile on her lips.
Huang Mao and Si Yi burst into tears, while Uncle Chao, Aunt Chao, and other neighbors stood by, sobbing uncontrollably. They repeatedly put their arms around her shoulders, comforting her and urging her to cheer up! Cheer up!
She walked towards her step by step, stiffly and with great difficulty, in a daze.
Then, for the very last time in her life, she gently held his hand, touched her face, pressed her face against his hand, and whispered in her ear:
"Grandma, you've worked so hard."
"I love you."
That day, many neighbors came to the hospital to help with her grandmother's funeral arrangements. She sat blankly in the hospital corridor, lost in thought, when she suddenly received a call from Chen Zhoudu.
When Xia Chan saw the name flashing on the screen, her heart felt as if it had been shattered into pieces by a thousand threads, and tears streamed down her face. With trembling hands, she hesitantly answered the call.
Since Shen Zhoudu left, she had actually refused to answer his calls for a very long time.
I don't want to hear his voice, and I'm deliberately avoiding it.
But for some reason, at this moment, she really wanted to hear from him.
"Hello." She could tell that Chen Zhoudu on the other end of the phone seemed pleasantly surprised, as his clear and gentle voice came through the receiver.
That day, Chen Zhoudu talked to her for a long time. He said that the exams were finally over and he had been waiting for this day for a very long time.
He said he still had some graduation matters to attend to back at school, and after that, he would return to Qingshui.
He said he missed them terribly. He missed Huang Mao, Si Yi… and her. He wanted to spend the summer vacation with them.
He asked her cautiously, "Xia Chan... have you decided on a school? Where do you plan to go?"
He wanted to say that he would go wherever she went. But Xia Chan suddenly interrupted him at that moment, "Crossing the Sunken Boat."
At that moment, she gripped her phone tightly, her fingertips trembling, tears streaming down her face uncontrollably as she gritted her teeth and desperately tried to hold them back. She could feel the subtle silence on the other end of the line and his anxious breathing.
She quickly replied, "I like you too."
Then she heard the wind stop on his side, he was breathing softly, and he laughed, unable to hide his joy, and said to her, "I'll go back tomorrow!"
"Xia Chan, wait for me! I'll buy the fastest flight to Tongcheng tomorrow."
...
After hanging up the phone, Xia Chan pressed the phone tightly against her chest and cried uncontrollably.
It was the most cathartic, intense, and hysterical cry she had ever shed in her life.
He deleted Shen Zhoudu's WeChat, blocked his phone number, and turned off his phone.
Looking at the empty hospital bed where her grandmother had once lain, she suddenly knelt on the ground, curled up, and burst into loud, heart-wrenching sobs.
She disregarded the gazes of those around her and no longer cared about anyone or anything in front of her, only letting out a loud wail as if venting her frustration.
She cried so hard she couldn't catch her breath, her face flushed and her whole body numb. Her cries moved passersby to tears.
Huang Mao and Si Yi were terrified. They tried to comfort and console her, and eventually they hugged her and cried together.
It was June 8th, 20XX. The people she loved, the people she didn't want to let down, the people she wanted to cherish and treat well, all left her on that day at that very moment.
Grandma said that she could overcome any difficulty.
She can get through this. She will get through it eventually...
-----------------------
Author's Note: The English reading in this article is from the piece "All I Remember" by Bobbie Probstem.
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