violent tendencies
Yu Sheng had a rare night without nightmares and slept until noon, when she was woken up by Lao Bai's phone call.
"Hey, Ah Sheng, don't forget to come for a follow-up check at three o'clock this afternoon."
"Don't worry, I'll definitely go this time, I won't stand you up." Yu Sheng replied lazily, and stared at the ceiling for a while after hanging up the phone.
Perhaps he always backed out at the last minute in the past, but this time Lao Bai was urging him particularly hard.
Yu Sheng was not against the treatment; he was just afraid that he would uncontrollably and repeatedly succumb to those suffocating memories that gnawed at his bones during the treatment process.
It was just 2:30 p.m. when they arrived at the CIR Institute of Psychotherapy. Yu Sheng sat in the car and slowly opened the sun visor, tying her wolf-tail curls into a small, thumb-length bun at the back of her head.
He then spent a good amount of time fixing himself in front of the mirror, looking left and right until he was satisfied and opened the car door.
"Clang!"
The car door slammed against something hard with a dull thud, startling him. Turning his head, he saw a man crouching on the ground, clutching his lower body, his legs tightly clamped together. He was fully concealed by a hat, mask, and sunglasses, making it impossible to see his expression, but judging from his constant gasping, he must be in considerable pain.
Seeing the posture, Yu Sheng understood that the person had bumped into a vital area. He grinned, feeling a bit empathetic as a fellow man.
"Sorry, I didn't notice anyone." Yu Sheng's voice softened as she quickly stepped forward to help him.
Upon hearing his voice, the other person abruptly raised their head.
Immediately afterwards, Yu Sheng felt a strong push to her chest, and she lost her footing and fell flat on her backside.
"Yu Sheng! Why are you everywhere I go? Are you some kind of stalker fan?!"
The familiar voice exploded in my ears, still carrying the scent of chilled white wine, but this time it was accompanied by a surge of anger.
Yu Sheng slumped to the ground for two seconds, then let out a roar, "Damn it! Lu Chenyang!"
He clutched his buttocks and scrambled to his feet from the car door, his legs trembling. A dull pain in his tailbone instantly ignited his temper.
"I'm worth billions, every part of my body is worth millions. Can you afford to pay for my broken tailbone?" Yu Sheng angrily ripped off Lu Chenyang's annoying sunglasses and threw them on the ground.
"And who the hell is your illegitimate child? I'm here to..." He stopped mid-sentence, not wanting Lu Chenyang to know he was sick, and then changed the subject, "I have shares in this research institute, so what's wrong with me coming to inspect it?"
Lu Chenyang was stunned for a moment, his temples throbbing as Yu Sheng bombarded him with questions.
He didn't understand why he had suddenly become so angry. Four years of training at the police academy had long since taught him to handle any situation calmly and rationally, regardless of who he encountered. How come with Yu Sheng... he injured someone twice after only two encounters?
He pressed his temples. Yes, it must be Yu Sheng, this person, who is too troublesome and too annoying, that triggered his defense mechanism. That must be it.
"Hey, I'm talking to you. You hurt someone and then just stay silent. Don't you even know how to apologize?" Yu Sheng persisted, her tone self-righteous.
Lu Chenyang took off his mask, took a deep breath, and felt his mind clear up considerably. Being with Yu Sheng always gave him a suffocating feeling of being entangled and wrapped by invisible vines. "You bumped into me, I pushed you, we're even."
"Bullshit!" Yu Sheng yelled, like a cat whose tail had been stepped on, her fur standing on end. "I bumped into you by accident and I apologized. You pushed me on purpose, and you even said I was a stalker..." As she spoke, Yu Sheng's voice grew softer and softer, and the corners of her eyes drooped and turned red, like a small animal that had been bullied badly and had nowhere to seek justice, feeling wronged, frustrated, and pitiful, staring straight at him with wet eyes.
"I..." Lu Chenyang was speechless for a moment. He had seen Yu Sheng in many different ways: confident and high-spirited in business, hypocritical and evasive at the dinner table, and scheming and shameless when drunk. But... but now he couldn't see through her pitiful and aggrieved appearance, and he was really at a loss.
Yu Sheng did apologize when she came to help him up, so it was clearly not intentional. If it hadn't been Yu Sheng who bumped into him, would he have gotten so angry? No.
Lu Chenyang rubbed his tense temples. Calmness and rationality were his usual requirements and principles, and he wouldn't allow Yu Sheng to easily break them with just a few words.
“I’m sorry…” Lu Chenyang lowered his eyelids. His good manners and ability to distinguish right from wrong were ingrained in his bones, even towards someone he didn’t like.
"Hey, if you really feel bad..." Yu Sheng walked closer and deliberately lowered her voice in Lu Chenyang's ear, "Just let me kiss you one more time, okay? Has anyone ever told you... your lips are so soft~~"
It was that same ethereal, meandering tone, with a hook in his voice.
Lu Chenyang suddenly looked up. The little cat with droopy eyes, looking wronged and pitiful on the verge of tears, was gone. It had transformed into a cunning fox with a big tail, smiling at him and showing off a cheeky little tiger tooth.
Lu Chenyang clenched his fists so tightly they cracked. He'd been tricked again. How could he possibly feel sorry for such a despicable guy?!
"Trying to start a fight again?" Yu Sheng's fingertips swept across Lu Chenyang's wrist, gently fiddling with the bulging veins, her tone a mix of provocation and coquettishness. "Officer Lu, are you here for medical treatment? Are you mentally unstable and prone to violence?"
Lu Chenyang felt that Yu Sheng was like a flickering will-o'-the-wisp, always able to easily and accurately ignite his explosive fuse.
He was powerless to cut the sparking fuse, forced to watch it burn shorter and shorter, drawing ever closer to the ignition point, until he was blasted to pieces. The man simply stood by, looking down at him with an air of superior control, as if to say, 'You should kneel at my feet.'
The feeling of being controlled was awful. In the fifteen years of Lu Chenyang's life he could remember, he had never experienced such uncontrollable emotions. He wondered if this was an illness; he would definitely have Dr. Bai examine him properly next time. This was completely unlike him.
Whoever you think of will arrive. As the footsteps drew closer, a steady voice snapped the fuse that was about to go off: "Ah Sheng, you're here, why aren't you going in? Trying to run away again?"
"Tsk!" Yu Sheng wanted to cover Lao Bai's mouth. What nonsense was he spouting? If Lu Chenyang found out he was also here for a medical consultation, where would he put his face?
Bai Hua, with her keen senses, immediately noticed Yu Sheng's unease. Her gaze swept over Lu Chenyang, whose face was dark, and she asked in surprise, "Oh dear, Teacher Lu hasn't left yet? You two know each other?"
“Ah, I know him.” / “I don’t know him.” Yu Sheng and Lu Chenyang spoke almost simultaneously.
Fearing that Yu Sheng might utter some more outrageous and shocking words, Lu Chenyang preemptively said, "This gentleman accidentally bumped into me with his car door just now and is apologizing to me. He's alright now, Dr. Bai, I'll be going now. Goodbye."
Lu Chenyang spoke rapidly, but his movements were even faster. In one stride, he leaped into the black SUV beside him, and in the blink of an eye, its taillights disappeared behind the research institute's gate. He truly didn't want to stay a second longer.
"Chased by a mad dog?" Bai Hua asked in surprise. "It ran so fast."
The "mad dog" next to him just pursed his lips and didn't say anything.
*
Yu Sheng lay lazily on the Freudian sofa in the consultation room; he really liked it. Perhaps it was the consultation room itself that he liked. He gazed at the pale blue ceiling and the dark white curtains fluttering in the summer breeze, inhaling the faint scent of cologne in the air. Everything was so relaxing, devoid of noise and restlessness, allowing him to stretch out and temporarily escape that rigid, cramped shell.
GSR is a testing method that Bai Hua recently set up for Yu Sheng. The GSR device is connected to the skin, and the electrolytes in sweat change the conductivity of the skin. The device detects these tiny changes in conductivity through electrodes, thereby indirectly reflecting mood or stress levels.
"Ah Sheng." Bai Hua adjusted the device and connected it to Yu Sheng's fingertip. Perhaps because he was a psychologist, his voice was very pleasant, with the ability to soothe anxiety and make people feel relaxed.
"It's been a long time since I've had a test. What have you been busy with lately? Let's chat casually."
Yu Sheng adjusted her posture; her butt still hurt a little. Could her tailbone really be broken? Damn Lu Chenyang.
"drop--"
The lines on the GSR display screen, which were originally steady, suddenly jerked, and the instrument briefly emitted a warning sound.
"What are you thinking about? It seems some interesting things have happened recently." Bai Hua smiled as she watched Yu Sheng fidgeting on the sofa, adjusting her posture. Her dark eyes seemed to see through everything.
"Ah," Yu Sheng replied awkwardly, "Indeed."
Bai Hua was one of the few people who knew the cause of his illness, and he didn't hide anything, recounting in detail what happened with Lu Chenyang the previous night. However, he selfishly omitted the part about being slapped, after all, he also had his pride. For the dignified Second Young Master Yu to be slapped like that wouldn't sound good.
The narration lasted for about fifteen minutes. Yu Sheng's voice was calm, but the lines on the GSR display screen resembled the sea during a typhoon, with surging waves one after another, and the beeping notification sounds kept ringing. Even Bai Hua, who was extremely patient, found it unbearable and reached out to turn off the volume.
"Pat pat—" After finishing her story, Yu Sheng sat up and lightly tapped the instrument twice. "Is this broken thing of yours? Why has it been beeping all day?"
"If you keep filming it, it will really break."
"Ah Sheng, besides Lu Chenyang, have you met anyone else recently that... interests you?"
"Hmm." Yu Sheng nodded, speaking in an extremely serious tone about the most nonsensical things, "Old Bai, you know. You're over thirty, yet you still maintain such a good face and figure, broad shoulders, narrow waist, and long legs... It's hard not to be attracted to you."
Bai Hua glanced at the GSR screen, which remained completely still and undisturbed. Even Dr. Bai, whose emotional stability was beyond human comprehension, couldn't help but roll his eyes.
“I previously suggested that you undergo desensitization training therapy, but I have always maintained a pessimistic and cautious attitude towards this treatment plan. I suggest that you undergo desensitization training in my clinic, at least under the condition that I am aware of it and can intervene at any time.”
Bai Hua adjusted his glasses and said seriously, "But you don't agree. You still resist others getting close, even if their appearance perfectly matches your criteria for a partner. If I let you search on your own, it's dangerous and could very well backfire."
"I hate all the people you picked. I don't like them at all," Yu Sheng muttered softly, her head down, in a voice only she could hear.
GSR's screen flickered slightly. Bai Hua glanced at it and continued, "Because of... your past absolute control and that period of imprisonment, you developed PTSD. You're afraid, you want to escape. Similarly, after you broke free, you also developed a certain degree of possessiveness, perhaps without even realizing it yourself. Just now, when you were recounting last night's events, your mindset, your emotions, and even your eyes all told me: you enjoyed Lu Chenyang's resistance. But based on what I know about you, you don't really want to trample people under your feet. You hate the suffocating cage, so..."
Bai Hua paused, her expression becoming even more serious. "You are currently in a dual state: you are both the controller and the imprisoned. You are using the posture of a superior to try to gain resistance and redemption from those below you. This sounds contradictory, but it is a protective mechanism that you have developed yourself, and it is also a positive shift in the healing process."
Yu Sheng, unusually, abandoned his nonchalant attitude and sat up straight. He really wanted to applaud Bai Hua; even he couldn't figure out his own mindset, but Bai Hua had summed it up perfectly in just a few words.
That's right, not to mention last night, just now in the parking lot. Faced with Lu Chenyang's shoving and questioning, he had a desire to trample the other person on the ground and make him kneel at his feet. At the same time, he also hoped that Lu Chenyang would resist and finally understand his awkward grievances.
Sure enough, he was sick, and quite seriously so.
Yu Sheng's hands began to tap unconsciously again, touching the leather straps on the sofa, which were used to restrain agitated patients. He had used them before, and Yu Sheng wrapped the straps around his wrists one by one.
"How about this?" He chuckled, tightening the straps. "Am I tying him up, or is he tying me up?"
At this moment, the setting sun streamed through the half-open window of the examination room, dividing him into light and shadow, making him look like a prisoner and a jailer at the same time.
Yu Sheng lowered his head, a mist clouding his bright eyes. From the age of twelve to twenty-five, he had spent more than ten years in this clinic undergoing treatment. He cooperated with all his might, forcing himself to delve into those suffocating memories time and time again: the secluded island in the middle of the sea, the fence he could never leave, the black wardrobe locked with only a crack, the rabbit whose fur had not yet fully grown, the torn diary, the scribbled words forcing him to cross out "I want to be a big star like my mother," and the crookedly written "I love my father the most, I will be obedient," and that curse from his own sister, clinging to him like a maggot: "You should never have been born."
From resisting even a hug to now being able to boldly express his love, he underwent countless deep hypnosis sessions, repeatedly recalled and recounted those unbearable moments, endured intervention from dozens of instruments, and even wore monitoring equipment 24 hours a day at one point.
It's difficult, bitter, and exhausting. Like a butterfly caught in a spider's web, it desperately flaps its wings, tearing apart its beautiful wings, trying to break free, trying to fly, even if it perishes as soon as it flutters.
He just wants to be a "normal person," someone who can hold hands, hug, kiss, and sleep with their partner, doing all the intimate things they can do.
However, he couldn't break through that final barrier. Sexual activity was an insurmountable hurdle for him, so he hesitated. Although Yu Sheng's physical functions were intact, his childhood experiences remained a deep-seated inner demon.
Bai Hua patted him on the shoulder to comfort him; the fluctuations on the GSR monitor had plummeted.
After years of accompanying and treating the child, Bai Hua had come to regard this poor child as his own younger brother. He felt sad as he thought, "Ah Sheng, you are punishing yourself again, but you have not done anything wrong."
Yu Sheng remained silent for a long time, completely lost in his past world. But deep down, it seemed as if a familiar voice was telling him, 'The danger has passed.'
Yu Sheng looked up and met Bai Hua's worried eyes. Bai Hua was right. He had never done anything wrong. Those who hurt him, hated him, and misunderstood him were the ones who were wrong. He firmly believed that he deserved to be loved and deserved a wonderful life.
"Old Bai." Yu Sheng spoke without warning, her voice carrying a calm that came with a sense of desperation, "I want to choose Lu Chenyang as my desensitization and rehabilitation training subject."
Bai Hua gave him a knowing look. He was about to say it wasn't appropriate, but then he remembered how GSR's reaction was always so obvious whenever Yu Sheng mentioned Lu Chenyang, so he changed his approach and said more tactfully, "Sheng, the most important thing in building a close relationship and breaking down psychological barriers is establishing trust and creating an absolute safety threshold. Between you two... is there enough trust to speak of?"
It seems not.
Seeing Yu Sheng's scrunched-up face and her steadily declining GSR, Bai Hua felt a pang of pity and continued, "However, nothing is absolute, and treatment doesn't have to be done in a rigid, step-by-step manner. Besides, you mentioned before that you fell asleep listening to Lu Chenyang's audio last night and felt safe without having nightmares. This means his voice has become an anchor point in your mind, providing you with a relative sense of security. It might also be because of his background as a police academy graduate, so..."
"So you agree? You also think he's suitable as my medicinal catalyst?" Yu Sheng's eyes lit up instantly, sweeping away the gloom from before. Like a puppy that had just seen a bone, her dark pupils were filled with tiny stars.
Bai Hua touched his nose and turned his head away. "I didn't say that. And from what I've observed, it seems that Teacher Lu... doesn't have a very good impression of you." He wanted to say 'he really dislikes you,' but he couldn't bring himself to say it.
"Isn't it more interesting the more it's like this?" Yu Sheng brushed his hair from his forehead, his fingers touching his left cheek, where it was still a little sore. He cursed Lu Chenyang in his mind again, "So many people are chasing after me, how could I not win him over? I'm very confident in my charm!"
Over the years, Yu Sheng has had enough suitors, both inside and outside the entertainment industry, to fill a football field. Whether out of admiration, for resources, or even lust, Yu Sheng has avoided them all.
Those people made him tremble, made him nauseous, made him physiologically repulsed. There were only two people in this world with whom he could be close without any reservations or burdens, and one of them was Lu Chenyang. Just as Bai Hua said, Lu Chenyang's voice had become an anchor in his heart. This was currently his most effective cure. There was no reason not to hold onto it.
“By the way.” Yu Sheng moved closer to Bai Hua, almost touching her, and her lips curved into a beautiful and sly smile, revealing her little tiger teeth. She asked mysteriously, “Lu Chenyang came to see you… is he also here for a medical checkup? What’s wrong with him? Tell me so I can attack his weakest point.”
Bai Hua finally couldn't help but roll her eyes. She looked at Yu Sheng like she was looking at an idiot, her face practically screaming: "Guess I'll tell you? I have professional ethics!"
He took the GSR patch from Yu Sheng's hand. "Come on, let's proceed with the next treatment test."
"No way, Lao Bai, still doing it?" Yu Sheng simply lay down on the sofa, the metal buckle of the belt that she hadn't put away properly was now poking right at her tailbone.
A mournful howl echoed through the clinic.
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