Jiang's mother pulled back the white cloth in disbelief until she could see her son's face clearly.
She pulled Fu Shize and shouted at the top of her lungs: "Didn't you tell me that he was fine? Didn't you say that you saw him take the medicine?"
Fu Dongsheng and Chen Jinping pulled Fu Shizhe behind them and tried their best to comfort her.
Fu Shi hung his head. Everything that happened that night was like a stone hammer hitting him. His bones seemed to be shattered and his body seemed to fall down at the slightest blow.
Jiang's mother fell to the ground and burst into tears.
Fu Shi looked at them and murmured, "I'm sorry..."
Seeing the other party was very emotional, Fu Dongsheng quickly pulled Fu Shi Ze outside. He sighed, and the sound echoed softly in the damp corridor. He comforted in a deep voice: "Aze, this is not your fault. Jiang Yuan is a good kid. Everyone has limited abilities."
"He has tried very hard, and you have also tried very hard."
Fu Shi opened his eyes, his eyelashes trembled, but he did not react at all.
Hearing the crying, Fu Dongsheng covered Fu Shizhe's ears.
He heard the sound of Jiang Yuan's parents pounding the ground in pain, and the sound hit him again and again.
Fu Dongsheng stayed in the hospital to accompany Jiang Yuan's parents to take care of the funeral arrangements.
Feeling that Fu Shizhe was not in good condition, Chen Jinping half pulled and half dragged him out of the hospital. The moment he walked out of the door, the early morning sunlight was so bright that he could not open his eyes.
The rain has stopped.
Chen Jinping pushed him to the passenger seat. After getting in the car, she held Fu Shizhe's hand tightly.
He hunched over silently, his father's large coat drooping on him, his hair messy from the rain.
Then, drops of tears fell on the back of her hand.
The police also found an open old notebook on Jiang Yuan’s desk in his dormitory.
The first few dozen pages recorded his research ideas that he had started during his undergraduate studies. His initial handwriting was elegant and neat, with occasional doodles written when he was distracted.
Later the handwriting became increasingly confusing.
As if he had randomly turned to a blank page, Jiang Yuan wrote the last entry in his diary.
Completely different from Fu Shizhe’s memories.
Jiang Yuan's long diary records his mental journey during this period.
…
I have been having a bad time recently. I used to think that my ability was unquestionable and that my excellence would not be outdone by others. Studying for a doctorate made me realize my true level. Every day I look at the rubbish projects I have done, and every day my boss pulls me to do horizontal tasks that occupy most of my time. Every day I struggle on the edge of graduation. Some time ago, I finally had a paper to submit, but Che Wu took it to his senior, saying that his senior wanted to stay as a postdoctoral fellow and needed an article. But that was my article. I agreed and asked for on-time graduation, but Che Wu said that I was cheap labor and that he would at least extend my graduation for a year so that I could work for him. I had a quarrel with him. Che Wu said that I had an unstable temperament and would report to the school to have me expelled. I never thought that studying for a doctorate would be such a failure. I came to this institute with full enthusiasm to do research, but the reality was that I was helping Che Wu make money every day and night.
I was having dinner with A Ze and heard him say that he had won the Rising Star Program and would be sponsored with 1 million. He asked me how I was doing recently, but I couldn't say it because I felt useless. Obviously, we were both the same when we first arrived at Western University of Science and Technology. When I went downstairs, I saw news and posters about A Ze everywhere, and the group was also forwarding his recent award information. Why is the gap between A Ze and me getting bigger and bigger? He is still the same as when he first came to Western University of Science and Technology, but I am almost overwhelmed. Obviously I don't want to compete with him, but I really envy him.
I remember that every time we had dinner, my relatives would ask me how I was doing in my studies, would tell my younger brothers and sisters that they wanted to study with me, their brother who had a PhD in the best school in the country, and would compliment me by saying that I would make a million dollars a year in the future.
But I can't even graduate. If it were Aze, he would still be able to do all kinds of things even if he had depression. He wouldn't quarrel with his supervisor over an article like I did. But I can't do it. I don't have the ability.
I don't want to think so, but when I see him, I really feel very painful. Many times, I really hope that he will not come to me again. I may feel better if I don't compare myself with him. I am too useless, and I don't have the courage to admit my incompetence. Aze gave me the article. To him, I should be a complete trouble, right? If he doesn't help me, I should have accomplished nothing, right? He sees me taking medicine every day. Does he also think that I am useless and that I am depressed and anxious because of this little thing? Obviously, he admired me when he was a child, and I don't want Aze to look down on me.
I feel like it’s so noisy around me, it’s making me want to collapse, everyone is saying that I have no ability.
I hate myself for being so helpless.
I hate my parents worrying about my illness all the time.
It would be nice if I wasn't here.
…
For Fu Shize, there were almost no conflicts in his memories. Even when Jiang Yuan was at his worst, he felt that everything was moving in the right direction.
He always thought that he would be able to see Jiang Yuan get better.
He didn't expect that much of the pain Jiang Yuan endured came from him.
At the police station, Jiang's mother picked up her notebook and slammed it against Fu Shize's body. She pushed him and slapped him with her hands. He stood there, like a kite with its string cut off, letting her push him.
"You said you would watch Jiang Yuan take his medicine."
"You told me Jiang Yuan was fine."
"It's fine if you succeeded yourself, but you knew he was sick, so why didn't you take care of his emotions?"
After being pulled away by her husband, she collapsed and buried her face in her notebook and cried bitterly: "It's all because of you. If I had known it would be like this, I shouldn't have let you play together..."
Fu Shi was pushed into a corner, his hair covering his eyebrows and eyes, and his face was covered with red marks from the slap.
He hung his head lifelessly. Apart from Jiang's mother's hysteria, the only sound in the room was his weak voice.
"sorry……"
The rain washed away the road surface, as if nothing had happened. The news was blocked quickly, and only appeared on the school forum for a few minutes. Fu Shi went to Jiang Yuan's laboratory and took away the drone, which was their first entry in the competition.
Jiang Yuan's parents refused to let Fu Shizhe pack Jiang Yuan's luggage or help with the funeral, and bluntly told him not to show up.
The funeral was held in Nanwu. The temperature was still below zero in spring, and the rain turned into silver needle-like hail, hitting the ground. Fu Shi wore a black raincoat. Not wanting Jiang Yuan's parents to be upset, he wore a hat and a mask, and looked at that corner from a distance.
When the body was buried, Fu Shi took off his hat.
He would often dream of being with Jiang Yuan. The two grew up together, copied each other's homework in the classroom, rushed to the stadium to occupy the court after school, and went to the convenience store to buy snacks together after dinner. Jiang Yuan protected the young him from being bullied.
The man he had called brother since childhood finally lay on the concrete floor, still trembling.
Fu Shizhe's mood changed significantly. At first he was confused and he gave the article to Jiang Yuan just like Jiang Yuan bought him milk tea.
He didn't know that his behavior would backfire and cause tremendous pressure on the other party.
Then, all the additional emotions disappeared, leaving only endless guilt that overwhelmed him day and night. If he had checked whether Jiang Yuan had taken the medicine, if he had sensitively noticed Jiang Yuan's abnormality, if he had not pursued his own excellence wantonly, if he had not played tricks on the robot that night, but stayed with Jiang Yuan.
Even if he really didn't appear in the other person's life.
It's all his fault.
Jiang Yuan embarked on this path because of him.
He promised to watch him take his medicine.
If only he had discovered this sooner.
Jiang Yuan would not die.
He became taciturn and unwilling to interact with others, fearing that the next Jiang Yuan would appear.
His insomnia became more and more serious, and he could not stay asleep in the early morning. It seemed that as long as he was awake, he could knock on Jiang Yuan's door as usual, and what happened that year would not happen again.
That scene often appeared in his mind, and the bang also gave him nightmares.
Jiang Yuan's parents refused to see him again.
He became a sinner, a sinner considered by Jiang Yuan's parents and by himself.
Perhaps to make up for the guilt in his heart, he collected evidence of Che Wu's exploitation of students and scientific research fraud over the years, wrote Chinese and English versions, and submitted them directly to mainstream media at home and abroad, the principal's mailbox, the domestic academic ethics association, etc.
Che Wu was punished.
What about him?
What punishment should he, a sinner, receive?
The school arranged psychological treatment for the students who witnessed the scene.
Fu Dongsheng hired an authoritative psychologist for Fu Shizhe, but Fu Shizhe did not cooperate and only agreed to let Fu Dongsheng live with them.
Persuaded by his grandmother and parents, he returned to school.
Every corner was a clue to this memory. He couldn't concentrate at all, and his experiments, codes, and articles were full of errors. His sleep and diet became extremely irregular.
He hated himself for being so terrible and felt that he had let down the expectations of his elders and mentors. However, he could not face what had happened in that building, nor could he face the conflicts and guilt in his heart.
He began to think about dropping out of school and told his tutor about it one evening.
"Fu Shizhe, you're crazy." At that time, Shi Xiangzhe and he were walking on campus and almost kicked over the trash can next to them. This professor, who had known him for many years and whose hair had turned white, was so angry that his face turned red. "I have trained you for so many years. Jiang Yuan's affairs have nothing to do with you. The school has also punished Professor Che. Don't even think about dropping out."
Shi Xiangzhe believes that he has a bright future with great prospects.
Fu Shi looked up at the crescent moon, his thoughts scattered.
He once had thousands of ambitions and wanted to remain proud forever, ignoring the world. However, apart from being outstanding and unique in the eyes of the outside world, he was just a mediocre and fragile person.
He was unable to overcome obstacles and take the easy path that others expected him to take. The guilt weighed on him so much that he could not lead a normal life.
Fu Shi said nothing. Shi Xiangzhe looked at him for a long time and sighed heavily: "Then take a rest for a while and come back when you are ready."
He dropped out of school.
Before returning to Nanwu, he walked to Jiang Yuan's workstation, where most of the items had been cleared away. He saw a torn photo on the desk, which was a group photo of the team when Unique won for the first time.
Walking out of the office, there is endless darkness at the end of the corridor.
In a trance, he heard the sound of a drone.
It’s like going back to that summer.
With flowers in full bloom everywhere, the young men cheered and ran forward with laughter.
And he——
In that patch of fresh flowers, it withered silently.
After returning to Nanwu, Fu Shi spent most of his time in Jiangnan Garden.
He wanted to spend the last moments with the old lady. Later, when his grandmother was hospitalized, Fu Dongsheng and Chen Jinping arranged for him to work at EAW in order to help him integrate back into society.
Fu Shi was very cooperative, but when he couldn't sleep in the early morning, he would often smoke, drink and stare blankly on the balcony.
Later, he returned to Western University of Science and Technology. He suppressed the pain in his heart and forced himself not to think about Jiang Yuan. It seemed that he had broken his own weakness, just as others thought.
He also mistakenly thought that he had walked out of the shadow of that year.
Jiang Yuan’s birthday is coming.
This once again reminded him that his guilt towards Jiang Yuan and Jiang Yuan's parents was an obstacle he could not bypass even if he wanted to get back to normal life.
"After Zhou Tiao found out about Jiang Yuan's situation, he came to me many times. But I couldn't face it." Fu Shi was not willing to let anyone comfort him about Jiang Yuan's situation, even if it was an old friend.
"Many people advised me to leave." Fu Shi lowered his head, and the expression in his dark eyes disappeared completely. "I can't help but blame myself. That's my brother."
"There have been many times when I wanted to tell you about this." He habitually kept his tone level and hid all his emotions: "But this kind of conversation will make the scene at that time appear repeatedly in my mind."
"Lili, can you please stop blaming me?" Fu Shizhe couldn't help but say, "There are many things I don't want to recall."
The dusk was so thick that his facial features were not clear. Even in this situation, Fu Shi's first consideration was that he hoped Yun Li would not feel sad because he was hiding something.
After hearing the whole story, Yunli looked at his slightly bent shoulders, which showed hurt and helplessness, and didn't know what to say for a while.
She shook her head: "I don't blame you."
As a bystander, Yun Li knew very well that what happened to Jiang Yuan was not Fu Shi Ze's fault. He had done everything he could.
"You have seen him." Fu Shizhe suddenly said.
Yunli was stunned for a moment: "When?"
"I was sitting in the audience at the side, and Jiang Yuan gave you the football."
“…”
Yunli thought of the person she met at that time. In the context of this memory, she felt sad and shocked by his death. She was silent for a long time before she said, "You did a good job at that time. That brother worked very hard, and you worked very hard too."
"I don't know how to say it. I didn't mean to persuade you to forget about it." Yun Li almost collapsed when she thought about Yun Ye having pancreatitis. Her lips were dry. She continued, "If Yun Ye had the same thing, I would rather exchange my life for his. I would blame myself and I may never forget it."
"When something happens to a loved one, most people will blame themselves, thinking they haven't done enough. But..." Yun Li thought of Jiang Yuan, and her nose felt a little sour: "Our loved ones would want us to live well, and he should want that too."
She thought of the pair of canvas shoes on the red track, and then up—
She no longer remembered the other person's facial features, she only remembered that it was that afternoon and the other person's smile was warmer than the sunlight.
"You told me that you have known each other for almost twenty years, and that he was always a very kind and gentle person. Such a gentle and kind person, even if he himself has suffered a lot, he would hope that you would live a good life, and he would hope that you would not blame yourself so much."
Yunli didn't think that Jiang Yuan really blamed Fu Shizhe, or hoped that Fu Shizhe had never appeared.
She was more inclined to believe that Jiang Yuan was sick in the final stage.
Fu Shi didn't respond.
Yunli looked at him. From the first time they met, he had always been very thin and gaunt, with clothes only supported by his skeleton. She felt that he had hidden a lot of things in his heart, which also weighed down his youth and vigor.
Yunli pondered for a moment and asked, "Is there anything I can do?"
She didn't want to seek long-winded consolation, she just hoped to make him less sad within her ability.
Fu Shi closed his eyes and opened them again. He looked ahead with a little tiredness, and the hand holding Yun Li was a little cold.
"Stay with me."
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