Chapter 499 The Balance in My Heart
I thought that as my understanding of the post-apocalyptic era deepened, my understanding of Asahi would also deepen.
But the result was completely opposite to my initial expectations. Asahi's image in my mind did not become clearer; instead, it became even more elusive. The person I thought I knew very well was now shrouded in layers of mystery.
For a moment, I didn't know whether I should be happy or confused.
I still believe that Asahi has always been completely open and honest with me. I think that even if I asked her about the problems I've discovered, she would be just as confused as I am.
After finishing their meal, the boy volunteered to clean up all the dishes. Presumably, because there were many unused dishes in the safe house and a lack of water, the dishes were simply packed up and discarded after use. Meanwhile, Tanxiang asked where the restroom was and then left the table.
After quickly finishing the cleanup, the boy led the girl to the large round table in the center of the safe house, took out a small but rough wooden human-shaped sculpture, placed it on the table, and then made a worship gesture towards the sculpture.
The cartographer also made a simple gesture of worship towards the sculpture from a distance.
When Tanxiang returned and saw this scene, she asked curiously, "What is that?"
“They are worshipping a god,” the cartographer said. “The sculpture symbolizes a god called ‘Yomi,’ who seems to be able to protect the survivors.”
After the cartographer pointed it out, the rough wooden sculpture did indeed seem to have the lifeless feel of the underworld. However, the underworld is the Great Impermanence of the Gospel House, and the cartographer had just been criticizing the Gospel House, yet now he was paying homage to the underworld, which seemed somewhat contradictory.
Did he not know that Huang Quan was a member of the Gospel Academy? Or was it that, like Luo Shan, the Gospel Academy was not subordinate to the Great Impermanence, but rather the organization was subordinate to the Great Impermanence, so even if the Gospel Academy committed many evils, its influence on Huang Quan's divine status was limited? It's like even if the close advisors of ancient emperors were villains, many times it was thought that there were villains around the emperor, not that the emperor himself was evil.
"Yellow Springs?" Sandalwood seemed to be pondering which deity this name corresponded to. "This deity... does he/she truly exist?"
Since strange phenomena and apocalypses exist, then gods might also exist—that's probably what he thought.
“Gods exist.” The cartographer looked at the sculpture with an incredibly complex expression. “But…why is it that no matter how much we worship the gods, they never truly protect us…”
Maybe it's because I've already killed him.
After some thought, Sandalwood actually went to worship the gods, probably because it didn't cost any money and he wanted peace of mind. With a touch of humor, I imitated the cartographer's actions and bowed respectfully towards the sculpture from afar.
*Snap*
The god's face immediately cracked open.
"ah?"
The sandalwood-clad figure had just finished his prayers when he looked up and saw that the face of the deity statue was cracked, and his face had turned green. He realized that his actions had been too abrupt. After all, he was someone who was addressed as a deity, and it wasn't appropriate for him to bow to other deities, especially those he had defeated.
Unfortunately, Lu Chan and Zhu Shi weren't around, so no one could explain to me what mystical rule I had just triggered. The cartographer was also somewhat surprised. He walked over to the bewildered boy, picked up the wooden sculpture, and examined it, seemingly unable to connect my actions with the cracking of the sculpture.
"Maybe the air is too dry?" he said, puzzled.
He then put the wooden sculptures away and took out a large stainless steel basin from under the round table, which was full of new wooden sculptures. He placed one of them on the table.
"No...you're doing wholesale?!" Sandalwood exclaimed in surprise.
“I carve a few whenever I have free time, and before I knew it, I had accumulated quite a few. The materials are the legs of the tables in the safe house. If I ruin a carving, I can use them as firewood, so nothing goes to waste,” the draftsman said.
"Is this considered respecting the gods or blasphemy? Is this why the gods haven't protected you?" Sandalwood complained.
I then took the opportunity to ask, "Speaking of which... does this blessing have anything to do with the gods?"
I looked at the lantern in the cartographer's hand, and at the blessing lamp that floated in the center of the large round table.
"The blessing is said to have originated from the monastery. As the monastery monks hunted survivors, the blessing also spread to various places by various accidents," the cartographer said. "The blessing in our safe house is very weak, only providing the power to guide the way."
"A greater blessing can reduce the probability of the surrounding population being infected by madness and turning into karmic demons. And an even greater blessing, according to legend, can even calm the chaos of the surrounding space and time, and make the monsters leave that area on their own."
Next, the cartographer explained the concepts of madness and demonic transformation to Tanxiang, who then said thoughtfully, "So... if we want to build up a survivor force of a certain size, we need a blessing of sufficient size?"
“Yes, but the blessings scattered around are only small in size. Most survivors don’t even have small blessings, while large blessings are only possessed by the Gospel House,” the cartographer said.
"Speaking of madness, I have a question..." I said, "What exactly is madness?"
Madness is an extremely dangerous and unknown force that turns many survivors of the apocalypse into karmic demons. Even the greatest demons are ultimately the Great Impermanence—the form in which gods and humans go mad and fall into karmic demon form. In other words, madness can even corrupt the Great Impermanence.
Since entering the apocalyptic era, I have been constantly sensing my surroundings. To be precise, I have been trying to find the pervasive madness in the environment. Since it is an extremely dangerous force capable of eroding even the Great Impermanence, it cannot be without any signs.
As a result, I couldn't find anything around that matched the description.
“I can’t answer what madness is, because 'madness' is actually a vaguely defined thing,” the cartographer replied after thinking. “The so-called madness is not a real gas, but more like a substance that we survivors imagine. It is a concept that came about to explain why we lose our memory and go mad.”
"Like 'ether'?" I suddenly realized.
The concept of "ether" was originally a fictional substance invented by ancient philosophers to explain the workings of the world, believed to be a mysterious substance permeating the universe. After a period of dormancy, this theory was later used by some physicists to explain the propagation of electromagnetic waves, but was subsequently superseded by more advanced theories.
The concepts of "dark matter" and "dark energy" popular in modern astronomy sound suspicious. As for whether they are really just fictional additions to make our worldviews continue to hold true, I, as a layman, do not have enough ability to judge.
In the apocalyptic era, in order to explain phenomena they could not comprehend, people once again used the same methods as the ancients.
Afterwards, the cartographer led me and Tanxiang to our assigned private rooms.
I chose a room in the corner of the safe house. After the cartographer and Sandalwood left, I had some time to rest alone. The windows here weren't nervously sealed off like in the house I first came to, so I sat by the window and looked out at the sky.
The night sky remained dark and gloomy, like an endless expanse of black iron, giving one a suffocating feeling.
This is the world where Asahi used to live...
What is Asahi thinking about right now?
How could I possibly return to the modern world? I racked my brains trying to figure it out.
Time travel isn't something that can be achieved casually, especially in a post-apocalyptic world with chaotic timelines. I lack both specialized skills in time travel and the relevant knowledge. While Xiaowan was key to getting Mazao to the modern world, that was a miracle she herself couldn't replicate. Even if I reunited with her, I wouldn't be able to achieve my goal of returning home.
I can't exactly banish myself to the void again and try my luck at time travel, can I? Regardless of how I banish myself again, I still don't understand why I was able to sense "fireflies" in the void last time. Maybe I won't be so lucky next time.
No, in the end...
Why should I go back?
The reason I secretly have reservations about whether or not to stop the apocalypse is because I long for the apocalypse to come... I long for a world like the one I'm in now.
Now, I have arrived in the post-apocalyptic era, where endless adventures await me.
What reason do I have left to return to the modern world?
Objectively speaking, there are definitely reasons. My feelings for Ma Zao, my promise to Zhu Shi, my friendship with Chang'an... Lu Chan's loyalty to me, Old Master Zhu's expectations of me, the unknown fate of Taoyuan Village Master and Liu Shuying, the enigmatic Arctic, even Ming Zhuo's hatred for me and the threat posed by Shan Liangyi to me—all of these could be reasons for my return to the modern world. Listing them all would be endless.
However, this is the apocalypse.
Everything I've been searching for is here. To abandon it all for the sake of the modern world—isn't that putting the cart before the horse? A voice whispered in my ear.
What truly makes me hesitant is not my inability to make a choice.
Instead, I found that I could make choices easily.
This led me to wonder: at the end of this easily obtained path, is everything I want really there?
I let out a breath, stepped out of the room, and went downstairs. There was no one else around; the cartographers seemed to have all gone upstairs to rest. The only thing in the safe house's first floor was the Blessing Table in the center, its white light seemingly echoing my restless heart.
I walked towards the blessing.
(End of this chapter)
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