Chapter 46
The dark clouds grew thicker and thicker, like moldy, clump-like old cotton, one clump after another, making it hard to breathe.
Yan Qing stood under the eaves outside the swimming pool, gazing at the hazy street through the rain and mist of the square. There, besides the hurried pedestrians with their heads down, there was only a slow-moving, congested flow of traffic. Everyone had a direction, a place to return to. Only she was like a raindrop in the wind, without support, powerless to control her own destiny.
As she was lost in thought, the dense, net-like rain and mist were torn open. Her wandering gaze gradually focused, and she realized that a figure was walking towards her across the vast expanse of sky and earth.
"You must have been waiting impatiently." When she came to her senses, Shen Hanyang's umbrella was already over her head, and the remaining water droplets slid down the protrusions of the umbrella ribs and fell to her feet. He looked at her thin shirt fluttering in the wind and said, "Let's get in the car first, it's warmer inside."
Once inside the car, Shen Hanyang didn't immediately bring up the matter from the phone call. He slowly started the car, focusing intently on the steering wheel, navigating the chaotic road with ease. The scenery outside the window gradually became unfamiliar. Yan Qing glanced at him suspiciously and couldn't help but ask, "Where are we going?"
Shen Hanyang smiled mysteriously: "Do you remember the grand prize you won in the company lottery?"
Yan Qing recalled the mousepad that had silently appeared on the desktop. "I remember."
Then she felt the car come to a smooth stop.
"Look out the window."
The car window rolled down slightly, revealing streetlights illuminating the dense, slanting raindrops. Behind the rain curtain stood a magnificent gate. In front of the gate, uniquely designed landscaping and a marble fountain were bathed in the rain.
"This is a housing development developed by my college classmate's father. The location is good, barely in the city center. I've seen it; the apartment layouts are great, and the surrounding environment is simple, suitable for people who like quiet."
Yan Qing listened, completely bewildered, not understanding why he had brought her to this place.
Shen Hanyang continued, "I've reserved an apartment here as your grand prize. You can come and sign the contract when you're free. If you don't like it, you can come back and choose another one. Or if you think it's too much trouble, I can sign the contract and then transfer the property to you. It's up to you, whatever you say."
Yan Qing was stunned: "President Chen, you must be joking..."
"I'm very serious."
“Don’t be so impulsive,” Yan Qing said, both amused and exasperated. “I know you are very wealthy, but using a house as a prize? That’s absurd and unheard of.”
"Whether it's my stubbornness or your good luck, however you interpret it, it's truly yours now."
Yan Qing shook her head: "I appreciate your kindness, but I cannot accept it."
"You don't need to feel guilty, this is something I'm giving to you willingly."
Yan Qing shook her head again. She even looked away and refused to glance out the window again. Her resolute expression showed no sign of wavering.
Shen Hanyang was not annoyed by the harsh rejection of his good intentions. He calmly said, "Give me a reason for not accepting."
"Mr. Shen, you need to understand one thing: saying 'no' doesn't need a reason."
She wouldn't even offer an explanation. This left him speechless, as if he'd been choked.
Yan Qing took a deep breath, her tone softening: "President Shen, I understand your good intentions, and I know you've sacrificed a lot for Jiaming. But sometimes, you've been putting the cart before the horse. I've said before that as long as Jiaming needs me, I'm willing to be his teacher, friend, and sister forever. This isn't just empty politeness, nor is it a perfunctory act; I genuinely want to do something for him..."
"Wait a minute," Shen Hanyang interrupted her, his brows furrowing slightly, "Why do you always bring up Cheng Jiaming? Don't we have anything else to talk about besides him?"
Yan Qing remained silent.
Shen Hanyang narrowed his eyes and suddenly brought up a guess that had been lingering in his mind for a long time: "That day at the hospital, you heard me talking to my mother on the phone, right?"
Yan Qing did not answer.
Silence means consent. That day at the hospital, he told He Xuanxin over the phone that he was only spending time on Yan Qing because Cheng Jiaming liked her. To make He Xuanxin believe him, he deliberately spoke casually and nonchalantly, making himself sound like a clear-headed, realistic, and emotionally detached "smart person."
The raindrops tapping on the car window suddenly intensified, further emphasizing the silence inside. Chen Hanyang felt a surge of frustration; he reached up and tugged at his collar, taking a few deep breaths, but still couldn't relieve the tightness in his chest.
He frowned and said, "I don't care what you heard, I just want to tell you that sometimes, people have a lot of helplessness and say things they don't mean. What you see and hear may not be the truth."
Yan Qing lowered her eyelashes: "If even this reason isn't true, then there's no need for us to continue contacting each other."
Shen Hanyang's voice was deep and somber: "You mean, apart from Cheng Jiaming, we have nothing to do with each other anymore, is that right? My desire to be good to you has become an unwelcome, one-sided wishful thinking, is that right?"
“I don’t know,” Yan Qing said. “In short, things developed too abruptly and illogically. You asked me to play the role of your girlfriend, so that Zhang Linjing would back down. How did you suddenly become serious? I find it hard to understand the logic behind this. I can only interpret your behavior as a desire for novelty and a whim.”
“Logic? Logic…” Shen Hanyang pondered these two words, his voice suddenly tinged with anger: “No wonder you’re from the mathematics department, everything is inseparable from that hateful logic!”
"Mr. Shen, I'm not good with words, please don't be angry." Her voice was very soft, almost transparent. Shen Hanyang felt powerless; he couldn't destroy something transparent and without any leverage, and that thing was her stubborn perception of him.
Outside, the wind howled and the rain poured down, the sky was dark and gloomy, and the car was like a lone boat in a storm, futilely searching for a place to dock on a dark and boundless sea with surging waves.
How could he explain this to her? How could he tell her that initially, he had only sought refuge from Ren Ruiyun's sudden return to China, desperately using her as a temporary haven from the storm? How could he tell her that life is so dramatic, that even a confident helmsman can capsize in the most inconspicuous, seemingly calm place? Even if we concede that all human emotions must have a reason, must feelings be like a theorem or formula, flawlessly proven and intolerant of the slightest doubt or imperfection to be valid?
As a child, he lived in Canada with his mother. He Xuanxin loved Kunqu Opera, and whenever a Chinese troupe performed there, her homesickness would always lead her son to watch. Still a child at heart, Shen Hanyang couldn't understand the joys and sorrows, the loves and hates on stage, but in order to learn Chinese, he always paid attention to the subtitles. Those archaic phrases and lamentations were still somewhat difficult for him, yet occasionally, a fragment of a sentence would unintentionally land in his heart. More than twenty years later, he could still remember one line: "Love arises without knowing its origin, and deepens with each passing moment."
He vaguely felt that, of all the words he could say, only this sentence truly reflected his current state of mind.
He looked at her, about to say something, but she gave him a dismissive glance: "Don't do things like that again, or... you won't even be able to be friends anymore." Her tone was calm, but resolute.
Actually, he had more or less anticipated her reactions, but her firm and uncompromising attitude still touched a nerve. He retorted, somewhat displeased, "You want to cut ties with me completely? I really don't understand. You accepted a few old clothes from Secretary Gao and the others. I'm giving you something within my means, and you resist like this?"
“You might as well give me some old clothes; I don’t care. Clothes don’t matter if they’re new or old, as long as they cover my body and keep me warm. I don’t have high demands for life; I’m satisfied with being well-fed and clothed. There’s no end to desires that go beyond what we need. I live the life that suits my abilities, and I don’t want to be held hostage by external vanity and extravagance.”
"You certainly see things clearly." Shen Hanyang's slightly hoarse voice revealed a hint of displeasure. "Self-sacrifice, self-exploitation, taking advantage of your youth to do several jobs, not eating well, not dressing well, not resting well, not knowing how to cherish yourself at all—is this your wisdom in dealing with the world? Let me tell you what's wrong with you. Haven't you noticed that behind your supposedly unbreakable beliefs, there's an absurd sense of unworthiness at play? You're afraid to relax, unworthy of enjoyment, and feel guilty if you don't endure countless hardships day and night, as if you've committed a grave crime. If I'm a little nice to you, you push me away and run away. Deep down, you've defined yourself as someone who's paying off a debt. But have you ever thought that you've already done enough? No matter how great Jiang Xiaoman's kindness to you is, it's time to repay it!"
Yan Qing's eyes widened. She couldn't believe her ears, couldn't believe that the name she had kept buried in her heart for so long had been so easily uttered by Shen Hanyang.
A sudden vibration traveled from her palm to her arm. She looked down, and Feng Xin's name flashed on the screen like the green eyes of a demon in the night. She hung up, but Feng Xin called back almost immediately.
Before she could react, Shen Hanyang snatched the phone away.
"What are you doing?" She was stunned.
Shen Hanyang glanced at the yellowed casing and cracked screen; the phone was truly pitifully old. He sneered, "I've been telling you for so long to replace this crappy phone, but you just wouldn't listen. You're always the same, using the 'endurance' mantra to solve ninety percent of life's problems—enduring a meager existence, enduring a cheating boyfriend, enduring the moral shackles left to you by Jiang Xiaoman, even enduring your worthless uncle for so long. What else can't you tolerate?!"
Yan Qing was stunned, and only after a long pause did she say, "You're investigating me?"
Now that things have come to this, Shen Hanyang is no longer afraid to deny it: "Yes, you can call me shameless all you want, but I have no other way. You've locked yourself up like a clam, and getting close to you is harder than climbing to heaven!"
Chen Hanyang's voice, mingled with the sounds of wind and rain, flooded her mind, stirring up the dust of the past. She slumped back in her chair, staring blankly ahead. There, two beams of light from the headlights recklessly plunged into the thick rainy night, swallowing up her countless unspoken thoughts in the darkness.
For a long while, she remained silent, then pain, humiliation, and anger welled up inside her. She bit her lip, her fingers clenching tightly into her palms until her knuckles turned white.
She instinctively shifted her body, trying to escape his aggressive presence and return to the safe "shell" he had described. But the car was cramped; she felt like a cell under a microscope, exposed to his gaze at close range. She reached for the car door, but her wrist was grabbed.
"Did I say something that made you angry? Your fists are clenched like that, you must be really angry, right? Why don't you argue with me? Why don't you yell at me? You should vent your anger, not bottle it all up. When Secretary Gao said you were fired, you should have called me, not run away. When Wu Chuan's child injured you, you should have called the police and pursued the matter to the end. When Feng Xin abused you, you should have retaliated a hundred times harder. When you encounter injustice, you should fight back, shout, and yell, instead of just silently enduring it! Nobody cares about your grievances, nobody appreciates your forbearance. Can't you learn to think about yourself and be kinder to yourself?"
Yan Qing remained silent, but he could feel her trembling violently. After a long while, she finally said in a trembling voice, "I want to get off the bus."
"It's raining, where are you going?"
She didn't answer, but repeated, "Open the door, I want to get off."
The car door wouldn't budge. She tried to pull her hand out, but he wouldn't let go. After a series of turbulent tugs, she was exhausted and gave up struggling.
He turned her shoulders so she was facing him, and then he saw tears glistening in her eyes.
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