Hidden things
Wen Songnian turned his head away and secretly wiped his eyes, not wanting Wen Yu to see that he couldn't bear it first.
Wen Songnian cleared his nose and spoke in a slower and softer tone, but he couldn't hide the discomfort in his heart.
Wen Songnian said: "Xiao Yu, there is something I have kept from you for a long time. Now that you have grown up and have your own ideas, I believe you have made your own judgment in your heart."
Wen Songnian knew that no matter what he said, he could not hide it from Wen Yu, and he had not intended to hide it from him forever. After all, the same situation was going to happen to him again, and Wen Yu had to learn to accept it.
When Wen Yu heard Wen Songnian's words, his expression did not change at all. He knew he would tell him.
When Wen Yu broke into the outpatient department of the general department, although Wen Songnian did not explain anything, Wen Yu knew it must be related to him.
Wen Yu said, "Mom didn't die suddenly from illness, right?"
Wen Songnian was shocked by Wen Yu's words. He didn't expect that Wen Yu had already guessed that it was Ji Wenshu.
Wen Songnian nodded gently, then said, "Do you remember that the year she left was the twelfth year of my marriage to her, which also happened to be her zodiac year, and the day we told you we were going on vacation to the Netherlands?"
How could Wen Yu not remember? He was so happy to prepare a gift for their twelfth wedding anniversary. That year was the longest time he had been away from his parents.
He wanted to call his parents who were far away abroad every day, but he was afraid of disturbing them. Every time he saw his aunt coming to pick him up after school, he lost interest.
However, the bad news came soon after. The next time he saw Ji Wenshu, it was her portrait.
If he knew that this would be the last time they met, the last time he would see Ji Wenshu's gentle smile, he would definitely hold her hand tightly.
In fact, before they left that day, Ji Wenshu said goodbye to Wen Yu properly, but Wen Yu did not take it seriously. He always thought that they would be back soon. As a result, her mother never came back. The hug he missed became a regret that could never be erased in Wen Yu's heart.
Wen Yu said: "She was sick at that time, right?"
Wen Songnian recalled that year as the most devastating period in his life. Thinking about it now, he still feels uncomfortable.
Wen Songnian said, "It was earlier than that. Her illness had already reached the second stage. She was afraid that you wouldn't be able to bear seeing her spending every day in bed. After all, you were only ten years old at that time."
Wen Songnian knew clearly that every decision Ji Wenshu made was kept secret from Wen Yu, and he knew even more clearly that in her heart, nothing was more important than Wen Yu.
Ji Wenshu can use her last time to coax Wen Songnian because she loves Wen Songnian and knows that Wen Songnian loves her very much, so she can show any side of herself in front of him. He will not mind what she looks like and will only love her more and more day by day.
Ji Wenshu just didn't want to leave bad memories in front of her son. Wen Yu had been with her the longest since he was a child. The slow death was a torture for him every day. Only a sudden death could make him try to accept it.
Ji Wenshu knows Wen Yu best. Her son will become strong, grow up slowly, and understand her good intentions.
When Wen Yu heard Wen Songnian's words, he felt very uncomfortable, as if all the ups and downs in life were combined together, and he couldn't tell what it was.
Wen Yu suddenly closed his eyes and swallowed a mouthful of bitterness. When he opened his eyes again, there was a coldness in his eyes.
Wen Yu asked, "What disease did she have? Was it painful when she left?"
When Wen Songnian heard Wen Yu's question, he realized that this was what he had been hiding and what he least wanted Wen Yu to know, but now it had come to the point where he had to tell it.
Wen Songnian's nasal tone became heavier. He didn't know how many tears he had shed, but he just didn't want to be vulnerable in front of Wen Yu.
Wen Songnian said: "It is ALS. The symptoms are mild in the early stages and can be easily ignored. It hardly affects normal life. It's just occasional weakness and sudden tingling in the hand muscles."
"In the second stage, the symptoms worsen. In addition to the hands, the lower limbs also begin to show obvious muscle atrophy, resulting in unsteady walking and the need for physical therapy and rehabilitation training."
Wen Songnian is so familiar with the entire situation of this disease that he has almost all the symptoms and treatments of every stage memorized in his mind.
When Wen Yu heard this, he already understood why Wen Songnian gave him a physical examination, as if everything had a traceable cause.
Wen Yu's hands tightened unconsciously. He could still clench his fists, and his hand muscles were still flexible, but the stone in his heart became heavier and heavier, pressing on his chest, as if isolating him from all the joy in the outside world.
Wen Songnian turned his head to glance at Wen Yu beside him, knowing what he must have thought of.
Wen Songnian continued, "Your mother has only reached the third stage. In addition to her limbs, her trunk muscles are also affected. She can only lie in bed and needs a ventilator to maintain her breathing. She is very objective and strong. She has not become depressed because of this change. I still push her outside every day to appreciate the flowers, bask in the sun, and enjoy the scenery..."
Wen Songnian still remembers that during that period it was Ji Wenshu who comforted him and gave him strength. Whenever he secretly shed tears in the middle of the night, Ji Wenshu could always notice his emotions, give him a candy and smile at him every day.
During that difficult and sad time, the only sweetness he could taste was the candy she gave him. After he finished eating the candy, his mouth was still bitter, and his heart could not feel sweet at all.
Wen Yu had not known about ALS before, but he had read many medical books and after hearing Wen Songnian's words, he had his own judgment.
Wen Yu asked, "The third stage wasn't the worst, so why did she still die that year?"
This was the last thing Wen Songnian wanted to mention. Every time he thought about the result they finally agreed upon, he would lose her three years earlier than usual.
Wen Songnian's eyes gradually turned red. He said, "Later, your mother didn't want me to suffer too much, so she decided to have euthanasia. At first, she just mentioned it, but later she consulted a doctor without my knowledge and came to discuss it with me, hoping that I would agree."
Wen Yu never thought that Ji Wenshu's cause of death would be premature death. He could have had his mother for another three years, but she died when he was ten years old.
Wen Songnian continued, "At first, I said I would never agree to it. I knew that dying like that would be a relief for her, but I couldn't bear it. I really didn't want to end her life with my own hands. My heart was really broken..."
When Wen Songnian said this, he could no longer hold back. His emotions should have exploded long ago, but he had been enduring it. Even though he wanted to be strong, that incident was still the most painful thing in his heart.
Wen Songnian stopped and leaned against the wall beside the street. Wen Yu could see tears dripping from his face, one drop after another, without any rules or order, all running out from his heart.
Wen Yu didn't know what to say. It seemed that all his words of comfort were useless. He knew that what Wen Songnian wanted most was Ji Wenshu, but she could only live in their hearts.
Wen Yu gently patted Wen Songnian's back, trying to use his small hands to comfort his father's long-broken heart.
At that moment, Wen Yu realized that what his father really wanted to hide was not him, but himself.
In Wen Songnian's heart, he knew everything. This kind of pain was multiplied thousands and millions of times. Every time he recalled it, he felt so uncomfortable that he wanted to die, but he couldn't.
Because he had promised Ji Wenshu that he would live his whole life and live well with her in mind.
They were once the most important people in each other's lives, from infancy, to toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence to adulthood, from playmates to friends, and then to the closest couple.
They agreed to hold each other's hands and grow old together, but she passed away before him. He was powerless and could only watch her suffer from illness but still love the world with a smile.
If possible, Wen Songnian really hopes that he will not live too long. He really wants to go to heaven to accompany his lover as soon as possible. He knows that she will always be waiting for him there, and he doesn't want her to wait too long.
After an unknown amount of time, Wen Songnian finally recovered and Wen Yu took a tissue from his pocket and gave it to him.
Wen Songnian wiped away his tears, but he was still crying in his heart.
Wen Songnian tried hard to force a smile, an ugly smile, just to tell Wen Yu that he was fine.
Wen Songnian said in a hoarse voice: "Your mother passed away peacefully and did not suffer from further illness. This can be considered a good thing."
Wen Songnian could only tell Wen Yu this. The pain couldn't be explained in a few words. He had endured enough and didn't want Wen Yu to go through it again.
Wen Yu suddenly smiled at Wen Songnian and said softly, "Dad, let's go home."
When Wen Songnian heard what Wen Yu said, he felt mixed emotions, and then Wen Yu's hand stretched out towards him appeared in front of him.
At some point, the small hands of his son in his memory had grown into adult size and could give him strength.
Wen Songnian laughed softly, a very calm smile, which came from the heart of relief.
This time, Wen Yu took the initiative to hold Wen Songnian's hand, and the feeling was different from the last time he held his hand in the hospital.
Wen Yu clearly felt that his father's hands were rough and firm, and although they had experienced many vicissitudes of life, they still gave him endless sense of security.
Wen Yu held Wen Songnian's hand and walked towards home. Even though they were the only family members left around them, warmth always surrounded them.
The top of the slope is getting closer and closer. After passing the highest point, you can see their home. No matter how long this journey home is, it will eventually reach the end.
What is long is not the road, but the time they stay in our hearts.
Finally they reached the door of their home. Their journey home was over, but what was happening in front of them was not over yet.
In the living room, Wen Songnian sat on the sofa, and Wen Yu poured a glass of water for each of them.
Wen Yu sat opposite Wen Songnian. They picked up their cups and drank water, but no one spoke first.
Because they all knew that the story of Ji Wenshu was over, but there was another thing that remained a mystery.
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