Heart to Heart
After Gu Sidu returned, his personality changed drastically. Even Daoyun noticed it. Gu Sidu would often stare blankly in any corner of the house, not saying a word. He wouldn't touch the food brought to him. His body couldn't take it if he didn't eat. Jiang Yufan felt sad seeing Gu Sidu acting so abnormally.
But she didn't know how to comfort her.
“Buddha Maiden, shall we take Lord Gu out for a walk to clear his mind?” Dao Yun asked.
“No need, he won’t go.” Jiang Yufan shook her head.
Although the Emperor released Gu Sidu, he has not yet decided on Gu Sidu's punishment. Although his life has been spared, he will inevitably be demoted. People in the court will not let Gu Sidu off the hook, especially Jiang Yaoguang. He will definitely try every means to demote Gu Sidu to an even more distant place.
Gu Sidu's dream should shatter violently and completely.
Jiang Yufan knew what it felt like to have one's dreams shattered. When the servant was delivering food to Gu Sidu, she stopped him and said, "I'll do it. I'll deliver it to him."
"Madam, how can we trouble you to deliver this personally?" The servants in the house had already accepted Jiang Yufan as the mistress of this inner courtyard, and they all respected and valued her very much.
That's why Jiang Yufan was even more determined to persuade Gu Sidu.
“I’ll go and persuade the patriarch. You all go ahead and do your work,” Jiang Yufan nodded to the servant, then, as if remembering something, said to Daoyun, “Oh, right, there’s something I need you to do.”
"What's going on?" Dao Yun immediately became alert.
"I've had someone forge a new, sharp sword for you. It'll be ready soon, go and get it." Jiang Yufan had originally planned to surprise Daoyun when Gu Sidu came out, so that the joy would fall on Gu Sidu. But now, Gu Sidu wouldn't be able to share in the joy, but Daoyun needed a sword.
"Thank you, Buddha Maiden." Dao Yun had almost forgotten about this matter, but she didn't expect the Buddha Maiden to still remember it. Her heart softened, and she thanked the Buddha Maiden.
Jiang Yufan prepared the food and laid it out in front of Gu Sidu. She busied herself serving Gu Sidu, but Gu Sidu immediately came to his senses and wanted to take over Jiang Yufan's duties. How could a Bodhisattva do such a thing?
"I'll handle it," Gu Sidu said, but Jiang Yufan deftly dodged his hands.
"You've set it out, but will you actually eat it?" Jiang Yufan retorted to Gu Sidu, leaving Gu Sidu speechless with her question.
Gu Sidu couldn't eat. He had many painful things on his mind that he couldn't resolve. Looking at the food, he fell into deep thought again.
“Am I not the Bodhisattva you invited? You can talk to me, and I might be able to answer your questions,” Jiang Yufan said.
"Don't you hate this identity the most? You're a fake bodhisattva, so how could you possibly have the heart to answer my questions?" Gu Sidu chuckled and shook his head.
“Now you’ve heard me say I’m a fake bodhisattva,” Jiang Yufan said with a smile. “I’ve told you this so many times before, but you never thought I was fake and still chose to believe me.”
"It's not that I don't believe you're a fake bodhisattva, I just believe you."
"Then why didn't you choose to believe me this time?" Jiang Yufan continued, "Gu Sidu, you should ask me too."
"What happened in prison? Why are you sad? Why are you giving up on yourself?" Only by talking about these things can you vent and find relief.
At least, you can cry.
In the past, no one listened to Jiang Yufan's pain. She could only hide away and cry secretly. Once she had cried all her tears and had no strength left, she could stop thinking about these things. Even so, the monks from Chenxiang Temple would still come and grab Jiang Yufan, scolding her and telling her not to cry, or she would offend the gods and Buddhas.
Jiang Yufan, who used to be unable to even cry out loud, now looked at Gu Sidu and only hoped that Gu Sidu could relieve her pain.
Upon hearing Jiang Yufan's words, Gu Sidu lowered his head and sighed softly.
“I can’t cry. I know I’ve been lucky enough. During all those days in prison, they used my reputation to insult me, forced me to write poems for them, and made me praise them. They would hold my poems, look up to the sky and howl, then tear them up mercilessly, saying they were worthless.”
“I don’t really care about any of that. After all, I was more afraid of dying back then.” Gu Sidu smiled bitterly at Jiang Yufan.
Pride and self-respect are unimportant in the face of life and death, but this is still an insult that slowly seeps into one's soul, making one reflect on whether one is truly so worthless. That's why Gu Sidu was timid and hesitant, with a dazed look in his eyes when he was released.
“They didn’t hit me, but they stabbed my chest with many invisible knives. They said that I was just indulging in wishful thinking all my life, that no one would ever give me a position of importance, and that I would never achieve my goals.”
In the imperial court, no one spoke up for Gu Sidu. Without allies, he was like a lone man walking a narrow bridge. It was already incredibly difficult to walk alone, let alone with so many people pulling him down, wanting him to fall and be swallowed by rivers and lakes, never to be heard from again.
“I didn’t understand why they treated me this way before, but now I do.”
“Because you are capable, they are afraid that your integrity, remaining untainted by the mud, will highlight their incompetence. They are also afraid that if you continue to be like this, you will expose their filth, and if you cannot integrate into them, you cannot survive.” Jiang Yufan continued Gu Sidu’s words.
"How could the Bodhisattva know these things?" Gu Sidu asked in surprise.
“Because in the Chenxiang Temple, when they made their wishes, they said these words to the gods and Buddhas thousands of times.” Having been exposed to these words, Jiang Yufan had long since seen through the hypocrisy, human nature, and greed of this world.
Some of those people later fulfilled their vows, while others never returned.
"So, I'm not the only one who has suffered these hardships." Gu Sidu found a glass of wine on the table, poured himself a glass, and made no intention of pouring a glass for Jiang Yufan.
Jiang Yufan extended her wine glass.
Gu Sidu was surprised that Jiang Yufan had asked for wine. He poured her a glass and teased, "Why did the Bodhisattva ask for wine herself?"
"Let's have a drink together and let it dispel all our sorrows," Jiang Yufan said.
Sorrow, where can it ever be dispelled? These words are merely comforting words for oneself and others, offering only temporary solace. True sorrow must be resolved by oneself; only those who are sorrowful can know where those sorrows ultimately go.
After hearing Jiang Yufan's words, Gu Sidu simply finished his wine and let out a long sigh.
"Bodhisattva, these past few days I've just felt resentful. I feel like I've become a pawn manipulated in this court, and that's not fair to me." Gu Sidu revealed the reason for his distress, and continued:
"But these past few days I've thought about how I've worked hard in the Hanlin Academy in the name of fairness, hoping that the person in charge would take a look at me, give me an important position, and allow me to step out of those old history books and put all my talents and ambitions to use. But I failed because I couldn't give the person in charge a gift."
"But look at us now, the person who gave the gift has fallen from grace, and the person in charge has been demoted to a distant place. We have both suffered losses. All my resentment and sarcasm towards them have vanished."
"Nobody cares whether I was really mistreated for two years."
"Now, I thought I could use my talents and do my job well, but in court politics, I could easily offend the emperor with a few words and ruin my life. Now I understand, what is the point of being an official, what is the point of using your talents? Those people in court robes who look so glamorous are just following the emperor's lead, they are just obedient dogs. Under the protection of their status, they only think about making their own lives easier and barking at smaller dogs."
"What's the difference between dogs? Aren't they all dogs?" Gu Sidu drank another glass of wine. "What talent does a dog need? A dog only needs to think about surviving one day, and then another."
Gu Sidu saw everything clearly in the court. In the court, talent was the least important thing. They had suffered the hardship of taking the imperial examinations and naturally yearned for prosperity. They had long forgotten their former ambitions and only thought about taking shortcuts. Where was the fairness in that?
Gu Sidu sought enlightenment from Buddha and asked for fairness, but Buddha does not save people, and justice is nowhere to be found. What can Gu Sidu obtain?
Demoted from his official post and banished from the court, filled with sorrow and resentment, Gu Sidu received all of this.
At this moment, Gu Sidu's eyes were red, as if he had made up his mind. He said, "But I don't want to be a dog."
If he drank any more, he would get drunk. Jiang Yufan knew how drunk Gu Sidu was, so she held his hand, hoping he wouldn't get any more drunk. Gu Sidu hadn't eaten anything; if he wanted to get drunk, he would get completely drunk.
Jiang Yufan knew that Gu Sidu was always a person of strong will and decisiveness. Once he made a decision, he would not change it or turn back, but this action meant that Gu Sidu had completely given up his future.
Even if you're still unwilling, that's all you'll ever be.
Jiang Yufan also understood that there was another reason why Gu Sidu was unwilling to give up his future: Gu Sidu had never considered that he was forced to abandon it. Given Gu Sidu's personality, he would rather give it up voluntarily, but now Gu Sidu had no other choice.
Jiang Yufan said, "The gods and Buddhas that people seek in this world are not by your side, but I am by your side, which may bring some comfort."
"Yes, there are many, Bodhisattva. You are right. Buddha cannot save people, he never has. If they could save everyone, there would be less suffering in this world."
Suffering has always existed in this world.
If Buddha doesn't save people, then who does? Jiang Yufan watched the petals drift in the air. She stretched out her hand and watched the petals fall into her palm. She seemed to understand something, but just as she was about to speak, she felt a weight on her shoulder. She turned her head and saw Gu Sidu leaning against her shoulder.
Gu Sidu got drunk again.
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