Chapter 11
Give me a glimmer of hope.
"Come closer, smile."
Crack.
Take a photo, get the stamp, and that's it.
A freshly issued marriage certificate.
I stared at it, and I felt it staring back at me; we were complete strangers. Three months ago, I probably would never have imagined that I would marry the person I had a crush on in my youth so hastily and inexplicably. Anyone who knew would definitely think that Li Yuzhong and I were crazy.
Fortunately, I didn't think I was particularly mentally ill. I was perfectly lucid. When I saw my name and Li Yuzhong's name on the certificate, I was filled with an absurd joy. If the person involved hadn't been there, I would have burst out laughing immediately. It was all thanks to my excellent acting skills.
Li Yuzhong, oh Li Yuzhong.
Finally, you've fallen into my hands. No matter what, we're husband and wife for a day, and it takes a hundred years of cultivation to share a boat ride. Fate has destined you to be twenty-seven years old and still without a wife, and it's destined that we'll share a bed. Haha, this is a thousand-year-old destiny!
I felt my smile was about to burst out, so I pretended to lower my head and cough lightly, covering my mouth. Li Yuzhong immediately looked at me and asked if I was still recovering from my cold. "Okay," I said, and bent down to stuff the marriage certificate into my crocodile skin bag.
"Shall I take you home?" he asked, adding, "The temperature has dropped quite a bit lately, and you've only just recovered from your cold, so it's best not to stay out in the wind."
"It's okay," I thought, adding that I was dressed warmly enough and I had a posture class today. Just then, the phone rang. It was my current manager. My former manager had referred me to him, saying he used to work with a certain celebrity who was only involved in the entertainment industry, but the celebrity was considering leaving, so he ended up with me. His surname is Xu, and he's two years younger than me. We still need to work things out. I answered the phone and said, "Xiao Xu."
"Sis, did you see the video I sent you a few days ago?"
I actually log onto that platform often, but I've been sick these past few days and haven't been able to see it much. I said I'd go check it out now, but he said no need, it's just that the supporting actress I played in a crime ensemble drama has become popular again. Really? I thought to myself, that's the most memorable role I've ever played.
then,
They were just one step away from winning an award.
It was nominated, but it was just a nomination.
I was prepared to bring home an award, but the competition that year was indeed fiercer than I had imagined. Looking back, winning an award is not so easy. My former agent said I was just unlucky; the domestic film and television industry had been experiencing a talent shortage for several years, and that year was particularly unusual.
"Maybe." I could only smile.
Ten years ago, I would never have swallowed this insult and would most likely have argued with the film critics. But that was last year. After years of working in the industry, I can't afford to act impulsively like a young person. You know, the more arrogant you are, the fewer opportunities you'll have.
But good resources aren't something everyone can network with; these opportunities always seem to go to younger, more established people. After the awards ceremony last year, the company considered giving me a career change, as resources were going to be allocated to newcomers. They suggested I try working on relationship and lifestyle variety shows, since I've always avoided hype since entering the industry and have a decent reputation among casual viewers. However, things always go wrong unexpectedly.
I offended a regular guest on the show. He was very direct and brought up a grudge I had with another male star years ago. I felt it wasn't something that could be discussed on camera, especially since that star's fans were quite intimidating. Sure enough, I was singled out and attacked.
Suddenly, some gossip accounts called me arrogant, others aloof. That male star has a lot of fans, and he only acts in TV dramas; it's not my place to bully him based on my status, even though I'm more involved in movies. I was actually quite tactful; I said his lines were a bit unclear. What I really meant was that I couldn't hear what he was saying at all, and several times I couldn't match my lines. He didn't memorize them, and it was incredibly annoying to have to do so many takes.
A few days ago, a clip of my character went viral, which sparked a lot of reactions from passersby who defended me. They meticulously analyzed the behind-the-scenes footage of my scenes with that popular male star, and indeed, there were many shortcomings. My public image improved somewhat, changing from "arrogant" and "bullying younger actors" to "picky co-stars" and "demanding." The director involved also spoke up for me, saying that we were indeed working very late, and everyone's mood wasn't good. It wasn't just me; anyone who delayed the schedule would feel pressured. The director was willing to do me a favor, and I really should be grateful.
Xiao Xu added, "Sister, Director Luo asked if you're free lately. She wants to arrange a dinner to get together and mainly talk about her new script."
"Yes." It's exactly the time I need to get back to work. "I'm always available, anytime. Ask her if her schedule is convenient."
"Okay, I'll go deliver the message."
After hanging up the phone, I felt great. I wondered if I was just having a lucky break lately, having weathered the low point, and everything was starting to look up. Then I thought, maybe Chi Jiansheng is my nemesis. It's true, my career has always been a rollercoaster these past few years, and this was the hardest hurdle to overcome. I even had thoughts of retiring from the industry, though only briefly. I'll just consider myself bewitched; I'm not.
I want to win so many awards I'll be overwhelmed, and be lauded by the media to the skies.
My name will also be on the cover of Time magazine.
I also want to leave my own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
I am Li Juntong.
Give me a glimmer of hope.
I can rise from the ashes.
Perhaps sensing my eagerness, Li Yuzhong said, "It seems you've been quite busy lately. If you're not free, the wedding can be postponed."
I hesitated for a moment, then said, "No need. I'll postpone my work, at least until after the wedding and after our honeymoon." I patted his shoulder again, pretending to be dutiful, and said, "Like I said, I'm only in it for the money, and I'm a person with professional ethics. I won't switch teams."
Li Yuzhong didn't say anything, just nodded.
After dropping me off at home, Li Yuzhong went to his company. From then on, I discovered his work schedule: a full weekdays and free at any time of the week, meaning he had no social connections and didn't engage in any extra activities. Was he even less inclined to enjoy life than I had imagined? Or was it that the offspring of wealthy families only knew how to climb the social ladder? Li Yuzhong was always different from others.
I thought,
Who will be able to surpass him years later?
cut.
After I got home, I took out our marriage certificate and looked at it carefully for a long time. Li Yuzhong's face wasn't the most beautiful or exquisite I had ever seen, but it was the one I couldn't forget. My fingertips landed on his eyes, which were like autumn water, and I pressed them down as if to touch them.
The thought that I'd not only get a marriage certificate, but also a divorce certificate in the future wasn't bad. I'd get to visit the Civil Affairs Bureau twice, giving me two chances to be in the same frame as my childhood crush. I lay on the bed, lost in thought, covering my face with the marriage certificate, inhaling the fresh smell of ink.
To boost morale.
I was sure that good things would follow. Ever since I broke up with Chi Jiansheng, good things had been coming one after another. First, I reconnected with Li Yuzhong, whom I hadn't seen for years, and even received a considerable sum of transitional funds. Then, a good director came knocking on my door. I wondered if Chi Jiansheng really was my nemesis, while Li Yuzhong was truly my lucky charm. Ever since I met him many years ago, my luck had been turning around.
My turning point began with him—
But I am not grateful to him for this. I was not helped by him because I was worthless. If I were not brave enough, if I did not have my own strengths and value, the goddess of fate would not have given me the opportunity. Look at him, Li Yuzhong. I have changed him a lot. His success and his current timid and indecisive character are inseparable from the warm and firm teachings I gave him.
I rallied, tidied my hair and makeup, and stepped onto my main battlefield. I had thought about running away before. Anyone facing difficulties will inevitably have the thought of retreating. Human nature is inevitably base, but there is something that, like a whip, fiercely repels you from moving forward. I call it dignity.
A few days later, Xiao Xu arranged a dinner for me with Director Luo.
Director Luo is a highly acclaimed and renowned director in the industry; the film I was vying for an award with was directed by her. I trust her so much; she has exceptional talent and is a gentle yet powerful woman. In this dog-eat-dog world, I can confidently entrust myself to her and let her bring my talents to life. She told me that she felt guilty for a long time after not seeing me win an award last year.
"That's not her problem," I said. "I was too arrogant back then and didn't realize the gap between myself and the real talent in the industry." She didn't say anything nice to comfort me, but looked at me very seriously and said, "Actually, it's a good thing. As an actor, you still have a lot of room to grow at this age. Remember, there's a difference between a real actor and a star. The former is not limited by age."
"I know." I know I need to cultivate myself and hone my skills, rather than chasing after fleeting popularity and honors. Director Luo said, "The person who won the award told me recently that he was glad I didn't win it, because some awards are more controversial than not winning them."
“I know,” I knew perfectly well, “Senior Chen entered the industry earlier than me and played roles that were far removed from commercial films, but she was also affected by the controversy surrounding this award. Logically speaking, she should be much more qualified than me, but in the end, she was still rejected. I can only say that no matter how the awards are judged, there will be resentment.”
“Yes,” said Luo’s assistant, “Look at that guy, he was so angry his face turned green, and he even posted a veiled criticism on social media afterward!”
Because it was a private gathering with Director Luo, the topics we discussed were quite bold. She asked me if it was true or false that I had broken up with Chi Jiansheng.
Although we haven't made it public over the years, quite a few people in the industry know about it. Mainly, both Chi Chien-sheng and I prefer to keep a low profile. I focus on the big screen, while Chi Chien-sheng works on high-quality films and television dramas. However, since we rely on short-term popularity, we have to be careful.
"It's true, Chi Jiansheng and I broke up last September," I said. "I'm getting married now, didn't my former agent tell you?"
"No, not really. I only heard about your breakup from Chen." She smiled. "He's very interested in you. Although the media keeps comparing you two, Chen's studio hasn't added fuel to the fire. They even said they'd like to collaborate again sometime. Interested?"
"Me and Senior Chen?"
"Hmm, I have a script with two female leads, and one of the characters immediately reminded me of you. I think you should consider joining the cast."
"Yes," I admitted frankly. "I really need a chance to break through. I just left my previous company and have a new team; I desperately need an opportunity to prove myself." Director Luo smiled slightly and said, "I can see that. Opportunity favors the prepared."
"Look, I think most people couldn't handle this role, but if you play it, you might bring a different feel to it."
I asked, "Is it an unlikable character?"
"To be precise, she's not likable in the show, but I personally think she has a lot of depth to explore, and you just happen to not like taking on those flat characters," she said. "This character is a gray character with a lot of unanswered questions, a lot of lies, and mysteries that won't be revealed until the end."
"So, Senior Chen is playing the 'white line,' and I'm playing the 'gray line,' right?" I nodded. "That's quite interesting."
“Okay, you go back and read the script first. If you’re interested, we’ll move on to the next step.” She then asked, “But aren’t you busy with your wedding lately? If you go straight into filming after getting married, and the sweetness is so intense, your husband might have some objections, since you’re going to live together.”
“No,” I shook my head. “He didn’t get married because of feelings, so I have no objection. He’s just doing it to appease his family.”
"So you have a lot of free time?"
"Hmm, let's see after the wedding."
"Then I'll wait for your news."
We'd talked for a while, and Director Luo had a flight to catch tonight, so she'd probably only be able to sleep on the plane. As we parted in the lobby, she asked me if I would regret it. I asked what, and she said, "You and Chi Jiansheng, you've been together for a long time, and you're marrying someone else?"
"Don't you regret it?"
"Me?" I pointed to myself, and for a moment, I almost burst out laughing. I know that Director Luo and her husband have a very good relationship; they were a young couple. But everyone has their own way of living, and I'm not used to that kind of life. To be honest, I think overly domineering men are very difficult to deal with.
“He’s not the right person to marry.” I told the truth without hesitation. “Actually, my fiancé and I have known each other since high school, but we’ve never gotten together. He’s probably looking for someone suitable to marry, but as for me… I’ve always had some feelings for him.”
"Then why didn't you think about being together back then?"
then,
I fell silent.
How could I not have thought of that?
...
How could I not have thought about being with the first person I ever fell for? No one could resist that thought. Although Li Yuzhong knows absolutely nothing about it, and if I really told him I liked him, how would he see me? I have a certain pride, but I'm defeated by reality—the reality is I'm still living under someone else's roof. I don't look down on myself because I love myself; he doesn't look down on me purely because he's a good person.
even so.
I won't let this go so easily. I'm so possessive of my friends, let alone Li Yuzhong, whom I like. At the time, I really thought that I couldn't let him go easily. I had to be with him for a while, even if we didn't necessarily end up together.
A melon isn't sweet if you force it, but you have to taste it to know if it's sweet or not. I did consider confessing to him, right after the college entrance exam. Now, looking back, many memories are blurred, only the lingering resentment and humiliation remain. So much so that when I went to university, I desperately sought someone completely different from him: he was so shy and reserved, so I looked for someone passionate and outgoing; he was even more delicate-looking than a girl, so I looked for someone masculine with thick eyebrows; he was an outsider, so I looked for the most popular person in the entire department. I did it out of revenge, but I also enjoyed it.
I really did fall for Chi Jiansheng.
Foolish. I can't waste my entire youth just because I was infatuated with one boy. I need new experiences, I need a complete teenage years. Li Yuzhong is a part of it, of course, the most important part, but Chi Jiansheng might have given me good experiences too. Being with someone like yourself often only requires a captivating and breathtaking look. He understands me, and I understand him.
When I was young,
It needs volatile fuel.
I'm ambitious and driven. Chi Jiansheng and I are both from humble backgrounds. I remember once at a dinner party, we helped each other out of awkward situations and covered for each other, while denouncing those who got opportunities easily through connections. When we weren't getting any acting jobs, we'd huddle in our rented room, lying down when we were tired, staring blankly at the mottled ceiling, and spouting some ridiculous nonsense, saying, "Just wait, we'll make it big someday."
Once, he was bullied by the crew and came back in tears, gritting his teeth and saying that one day he would make everyone respect him. He cried on my shoulder, biting and sucking, and said mournfully, "Just you wait, damn it, just you wait, he will definitely make me look at him with new eyes."
Of course I remember.
But those are distant memories now. Just like when I told Lai Yu-chung that I wanted to become a great actress, like Kate Winslet, I had my moments of high spirits. But over the long years, that ambition has been worn down by this cutthroat industry.
My will has also been worn down. Watching Chi Chien-sheng walk down that flower-lined road, watching him attend those occasions I wasn't invited to, sometimes I wonder if it's the right choice to just fade into obscurity. Am I still young? Am I still beautiful enough to be remembered by the audience forever? Am I good enough to be a source of pride for my fans? I'm already twenty-seven years old.
Even today, despite having had some opportunities, I still wouldn't dare to draw such a conclusion. My path to fame was certainly not smooth sailing, but it wasn't entirely fraught with obscurity either. I was incredibly close to success at one point, and then, I was slowly pulled away. Saying I'm an 18th-tier celebrity is, of course, an exaggeration, but how many young people these days know me or recognize my face?
Even I, as a child, would find myself a stranger now. Li Juntong, or rather, Li Xintong, where is your ambition? Where is your determination to play a blockbuster role? Are you so proud that you refuse to play a supporting role to anyone, and you still go on those superficial variety shows to entertain people?
Where have your ideals gone?
They've vanished without a trace?
This shrewd yet cruel thought always inadvertently exposed me, stung me, and revealed my supposedly insignificant performance. I secretly inquired about him where Li Yuzhong couldn't see me, harboring my dwindling competitive spirit; I didn't want to be worse off than him.
As it turns out, I wasn't bad either. As someone who entered the industry at the same age, I wasn't really that bad, and Li Yuzhong wasn't exactly glamorous either. Only I know that my ambition had been worn down, while his remained so pure, easily ignited, radiating warmth.
Li Yuzhong.
Li, Yu, Zhong.
I had imagined he would become despicable, mercenary, cold, and heartless. No matter how distorted he became, I was prepared for the worst—that the person I had a crush on in my youth would no longer be beautiful. But I didn't expect that Li Yuzhong hadn't changed much; he was just more silent and gentler.
-
I have to say, the script and the rework, plus a sweet fiancé, really made this winter incredibly warm. Before I even had a chance to feel the cold, early spring quietly arrived. My wedding with Li Yuzhong is fast approaching, and I'm counting down the days.
Logically, a bachelor/bachelor party should have been held on the eve of the wedding, but neither Li Yuzhong nor I had any intention of doing so. Perhaps it was because it wasn't a real wedding, so we didn't have that real feeling of settling down and living together. However, we still met at his apartment.
We discussed the wedding arrangements for tomorrow.
From welcoming guests to the emcee's oversight of the procedures, I only informed my mother about the family arrangements, and the Li family understood. There's another thing: now that we're married, we'll definitely have to live together. We can't be living separately right after the wedding. We don't live in the old house; it's too far from the city center, and commuting is very inconvenient. He has two apartments in the city, in different locations, and he asked me beforehand which one I preferred.
"It depends on what's convenient for you." My job doesn't take that into consideration. "Actually, the wedding house is just for show. It doesn't need to be decorated particularly nicely. I'll probably only live there for the first few months. I'm constantly on set all year round. If you want something more convenient, you can stay in the apartment next to your company."
"Okay." He had no objections.
So, we moved on to the final step: exchanging rings and then kissing. This was the step-by-step diagram the emcee had sent beforehand, but when I looked at Li Yuzhong, he looked at me too. A layer of unfamiliar distance hung between us. I said, "Are you okay with that?"
He said, "What can I do?"
"Kissing, huh?" I pursed my lips. "Do you want to skip this step? I'm perfectly fine with it, but will you be able to bring yourself to do it?" My gaze swept over his slightly parted lips, and I tried to act nonchalant. "It's okay. We can use a camera trick."
He remained silent for a few seconds.
"Can."
I smiled and said, "Don't force yourself."
"It's not forced."
Is it okay to kiss someone you don't like without feeling pressured? On one hand, I felt a little disappointed in Li Yuzhong for this, but on the other hand, I was secretly glad that I was the one in this relationship. I wanted him to be loyal, pure, and unwavering in his attitude towards love, so I couldn't expect him to marry someone he didn't love, treat her well, and take care of her meticulously even without love.
Luckily it was me.
If it were someone else
I'm absolutely insanely jealous.
And so, I stared at him like a hunter eyeing its prey. In this enclosed space, there was no one else but Li Yuzhong and me. He said he wouldn't force me, and the entire living room fell so silent you could hear a pin drop. An ambiguous atmosphere fermented between our close gazes. He brought me home; he didn't know what might happen between two strangers. I thought to myself, I might not be so averse to something happening.
"Do you want it?" I asked.
"Shall we rehearse beforehand?"
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