10 Chater 10
◎If you don't wake up soon, your first kiss will be mine. ◎
I swear it was the best summer I've ever had. Nothing else matters, really. Carefree happiness filled me. Li Yuzhong's home was like a castle in a fairy tale. I became someone who had no worries about food or clothing. I didn't feel like I had lost my dignity, but I gained a lot of respectability.
Those were things that were attached to me—the Li family, Grandma Li, even Li Yuzhong. Or rather, that entire year felt like a dream. I saw Li Yuzhong all the time, but I wasn't happy about it. What made me happy was sharing in Li Yuzhong's good fortune. Grandma Li treated me like her own child, saying I was a child with a hard life, saying that despite my good foundation, I didn't have a family to support me.
Every day, I have a driver to pick me up from school, and when I get home, there are delicious meals and family members to chat with. I've gotten rid of my own father without any burden. I can do whatever I want with him, but he mustn't bother me. I'm going to move towards a bright future.
The training period was short, and I returned to school in October. Four months later, looking at my former classmates, I had new thoughts. Because I had integrated into a new circle, everyone was talking about appearance, talent, resources, and connections, so everything at school felt somewhat unfamiliar. My academic studies required me to focus on them, and in that respect, Li Yuzhong could help me.
He's a patient and unhurried person, and he's also very consistent. During the four or five months I was away for training, he never sat next to anyone else; instead, he obediently guarded my empty seat, waiting for me to return. During that time, if anyone temporarily sat in my seat for more than two classes, whether to copy notes or for some other reason, Li Yuzhong would quietly protest, "That's Li Juntong's seat..."
“Li Juntong won’t be back anytime soon.”
Li Yuzhong said, "That can't be done like that..."
When word got to me, a few girls I knew well finally realized something was wrong and asked if Li Yuzhong had a crush on me. I just laughed and said, "You're overthinking it, we're all friends." But what I really thought was, "If Li Yuzhong had a crush on me, that would be a miracle."
He probably hasn't even figured it out yet.
Whether a person is emotionally aware or not can be seen from their every move. People who desire to attract the opposite sex are often more adept at maintaining boundaries and distance, instantly distinguishing themselves from others in a crowd. For example, me, but I'm better at disguising myself.
Li Yuzhong was completely devoid of these traits; he leaned more towards being a boy, almost like a child. Whenever he was happy, he would laugh without hesitation, and when his desires were fulfilled, he would grab me and jump around in celebration. He hadn't learned jealousy; he could only genuinely rejoice for others.
He had so few friends that he was detached from worldly affairs, and his privileged background spared him from hardship. He could perhaps live his whole life in this naiveté; all he needed to do was fight his illness. What worries could he possibly have? He was such a simple person.
I will create some trouble for him.
I haven't gotten revenge for the birthday present incident yet. Although that Walkman was quite useful, it humiliated my self-esteem, so don't blame me for getting my revenge. So, during my first week back at school, I took advantage of the few opportunities he had to show off and played a prank on him.
"Tom said to his mother, 'I love you.'" Li Yuzhong read the relay sentence from his English lesson. I pressed the record button, and when I released it, the "you" stopped abruptly. After class, I asked him to listen to something. As he listened, he realized it was his own voice, and he heard the words "I love you."
I admit I had a mischievous thought, but I didn't expect him to be so embarrassed and tell me to delete it immediately. No way! Studying is so boring, I need to find some fun for myself. Li Yuzhong, I'll flirt with you. I won't delete it; I'm going to play it loudly for others during breaks.
He said, "You really have to delete it..."
I said no, this is my Walkman, I can record whatever I want. He said anxiously, it was clearly a gift I prepared for him. I retorted loudly, who said it was a gift for you? You're delusional, stop being so narcissistic. The two classmates in the back row burst into laughter.
I don't remember exactly how long I played with that recording, but I do remember one time in class, everyone was working on their tests, and I suddenly blurted out "I love you." The teacher looked at Li Yuzhong strangely and asked him who he was talking to. I gripped my pen, trying hard to suppress my laughter.
When he got home, Li Yuzhong got angry.
"You...you give it to me!" He couldn't take it anymore and reached out his hand to me. I smiled and slung my Walkman behind my back, refusing to give it to him! Grandma was sitting outside in the yard, her kind voice drifting over from afar, telling the two little rabbits not to fight. I quickly took advantage of this moment and ran upstairs.
Li Yuzhong caught up with them.
He's no match for me; when he gets excited, he gets breathless. I'm bullying him, but he doesn't fight back, does he? Maybe he likes it? Of course, I know this is just my fantasy; I'm imposing my will on him, I'm forcing him to enjoy it.
He said behind me, "You really shouldn't bully me anymore!"
I want to say, I only bully you because I'm pleased with you! Someone as admired as me is playing a chasing game with you; you should be happy about that. Don't you notice how jealous those boys look at you every time I tease you? You clueless idiot!
I hid in my room and tried to close the door, but Li Yuzhong's hand was on the doorframe. His white, pinkish-white knuckles... I couldn't bear to touch him. I flung the door open and ran inside. He was trying to snatch the Walkman from my hand; I knew he didn't mean to pounce on me. We rolled onto the bed.
He braced his arms on either side of my ears.
Sunlight streamed through his head, through the gap between his arm and my shoulder, creating a bathed area. My face was shrouded in shadow, while his face shone with exquisite light. He was panting, his cheeks as red as Christmas Eve apples, and said, "Give it to me."
"What will you give me?" I asked.
"...Stop fooling around."
“Those are mine,” I said seriously.
Unable to reason with me, he reached for the hand that was hiding the Walkman. I twisted it behind my back, forming a strong defensive zone. Gradually, the tips of his ears turned bright red. Amid my muffled laughter, he said in annoyance, "I told you to delete it... delete it right now..."
"You should beg me," I said arrogantly.
"I...I don't need your help."
"Then why should I delete it?"
He was pushed to the limit, "How can you treat your friends like this? I... I've never treated you like that, and you shouldn't treat me like that either."
“I like treating you that way,” I said frankly.
He paused, surprised that I'd been so blunt. A smile played on my lips, my eyes, hidden in shadow, fixed on him with interest. I saw him struggling with his thoughts; a flicker of confusion crossed his clear, cool eyes. He said, "Okay, never mind then."
He had a few friendships.
It was given by me.
My heart pounded at his troubled expression. His fingertips were still on the skin of my wrist, and I felt a strange touch. A tingling sensation. My tongue burned with a dry heat. Looking at his sun-drenched face, his shimmering eyes, the tip of his nose, I felt a stranger longing, one I couldn't quite explain. He touched me, and I wasn't angry at all.
I will never resist.
I stared at him, and Li Yuzhong looked at me too. The sun had been shining for a while, and our bodies were getting warmer. He spread his legs, his trousers rubbing against my sweatshirt. Realizing this distance crossed the line of propriety between men and women, sweat beaded on his nose, and he whispered an apology before letting go of me.
It's okay, I'll say it too.
"We're all friends."
-
The unified examination ended at the end of December.
I didn't plan to take the college entrance exams for the rest of the time; instead, I focused on improving my academic subjects. Li Yuzhong and I spent the entire summer immersed in practice problems, doing them in the living room until we were exhausted, and then taking naps on the sofa when we got tired. Grandma was worried we weren't getting enough nutrition, so she often made nourishing soups. During the Spring Festival, I went back to my mother's house, while Li Yuzhong was going abroad with Grandma. After the New Year, he brought me many nice things.
What impressed me most was that he somehow found a copy of Time magazine from the last century, which featured my favorite Chinese actress. My eyes lit up when I saw it, and I said, "You actually managed to get this!" He smiled and said, "This isn't hard to get."
“The Hollywood Walk of Fame!” I exclaimed, waving the magazine.
He said, "One day, you too will be able to leave behind a star."
"Sigh, forget it." Even someone as ambitious as me thinks that's just a pipe dream. "Those are all international stars. They have connections. They started acting at thirteen or fourteen. People our age have already won their first international awards."
“That doesn’t prove anything,” he argued earnestly. “Starting early doesn’t guarantee a smooth journey, and starting late doesn’t necessarily mean falling behind. Fan Jin started taking the imperial examinations at twenty and passed at fifty-four; wasn’t that impressive?”
My expression changed: "You mean I won't make a name for myself until I'm fifty-four? That's so miserable, my skin will be so loose from getting old!"
"Actors aren't judged by their looks, but by their acting skills. As long as you keep accumulating experience and building up your talent, you'll eventually be recognized."
Look, he's making it sound like a fairy tale.
Li Yuzhong is always naive, believing that hard work alone can achieve any goal. His values differ from mine, but I don't deny his potential for success. He's a fool; he doesn't take any shortcuts, which is evident in his choice of friends. If he wants something, he'll keep knocking on the doorknob relentlessly, hoping it will open by itself. He might just break the door down first, and he actually might manage to do it.
After all, he's just that kind of amazingly clumsy bird.
His brilliance lies in his ability to subtly influence me; with enough sincerity, he quietly touched my heart. From initially looking down on him and harboring strong hostility, I eventually lowered my guard and truly opened my heart to him through his persistent persuasion.
I've heard it said that a person's deepest friendship, or what you might call a "soulmate," is never someone they're most similar to; rather, they're very likely to be complete opposites, whether in personality, taste, or even their worldview. I used to disbelieve it and scoff at it, but now I think it's quite possible. I don't understand why Li Yuzhong and I get along so well.
If I hadn't fallen for him, I think we might have been best friends for life. Even when we were twenty, thirty, or forty, we'd still be good friends sharing secrets. My eighteenth year was completely different from the unremarkable first seventeen years; it was a total upheaval because of him. Of course, well, I also wanted to tease him mercilessly, making him both happy and sad.
But if,
I've fallen for him?
Do you like a boy?
No way.
I.
I am Li Juntong.
Is this possible?
I panicked a little, realizing, hey, this could really happen, this absurd, inexplicable weirdness. Do I like Li Yuzhong? That weak little boy who was always timid, whose smile was awkward, and who didn't even know how to get angry.
What is it about him that I like?
Besides his kind heart, besides the fragrant scent of mint and jasmine shampoo, besides his fair, almost feminine face, besides his thin limbs, and besides his legs that could never run fast, besides his eyes that coughed up tears when he was ill.
what else?
My hand slipped, and the form I was about to hand to the homeroom teacher fell to the ground. I picked it up, knocked on the homeroom teacher's office door, and the teacher asked me why the father's name was blank in the guardian section. I said, "He's not in the province." "Then you can sign it for him," she said, and I bent down to write my name.
This should be the last time I write his name.
goodbye.
It's really goodbye forever.
My homeroom teacher put away the forms and talked to me about college applications. My standardized test scores came out in January, and they were very good. My teacher said that as long as I focused on my academic scores, ranking in the top ten in the province was possible. I said I knew, of course, I knew better than anyone else.
Every step I take with effort
Every step soaked with sweat
Besides me, who knows better?
It was me, all alone from beginning to end, who took each terrible step, pulling myself out of the mire of despair and life. It was still me, with my lies—not convincing enough, not beautiful enough—that kept me going, that allowed me to live a good life.
The idea that I didn't lie, that I wasn't a fabricated, likable person, completely falls apart. If I were that vain Li Juntong, that Li Juntong whose father committed murder and went to jail, that Li Juntong with a pretty face who spent his days insincerely deceiving others.
Will other people still like me?
What I feared was that I couldn't win everyone's favor, no matter how much I tried to hide my true nature. At that time, I didn't understand this simple truth. I received too much love; if this love had any value, then I would be showered with blessings.
I am the master of my own world. Everywhere is my playground, Li Juntong's playground. I have the ability to manipulate others, and I also have the skill to save myself. Of course, I must be arrogant to the extreme, and of course, I must believe that I can do anything. After all, a man who is not a playboy in his youth is not a true man.
I walked into the empty classroom.
It was lunch break, and school ended early—this was the routine for the days leading up to the college entrance exam. Li Yuzhong was still waiting for me at his seat, wanting to go home together. He didn't react to my approach; I looked down and realized he was asleep. We were both very tired these past few days, reviewing our mistakes.
I sat there for a while, resting my chin on my hand, watching him. I secretly traced the outline of his long, brown eyelashes, bathed in sunlight. I drew the curtains by the window so he could sleep peacefully in the dim light. He slept so soundly that he didn't wake up.
My heart was quietly stirred.
I can't quite explain what desire was controlling me; I think it was probably the overwhelming joy of learning about my promising future. I picked up my book, thinking, "How dare he keep me waiting? If he still doesn't open his eyes, Li Yuzhong, if you continue to act so innocently, I'll... I'll secretly kiss you."
real.
I'm not kidding you.
If you don't wake up soon, your first kiss will be mine.
I asked the question silently in my heart, not expecting an answer from him, and if I did, it would likely be a rejection. So I simply stood the book upright and turned my head to the side. I was like a thief, cautiously approaching the treasure I was about to steal, just centimeters away.
I like Li Yuzhong.
It is obvious that
I know the answer.
The instant my lips touched his, a wonderful happiness welled up from the area where we touched, like warm rain nourishing my supposedly invincible heart. Suddenly, a crack appeared in the glacier, and vibrant wild grasses sprouted.
suddenly,
The wind stirred the curtains.
The blinding sunlight fell on the corner of his eye, like someone had stolen a kiss from behind my back. He was startled; oh no, my inner alarm bells rang. I immediately stepped back, ending that fleeting kiss. In the afternoon classroom, only a disappointed me and the ripples in my heart remained.
I stared at him, feeling resentful.
His eyelashes trembled.
He did not wake up.
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