scaredthatumightgoaway
Afraid that you will disappear
I promise to do your way
I promise to love you your way
——Quote from -gamble (feat.demxntia)
-1-
M pulled the sickle from the evil spirit's corpse.
Blood splattered, splashing onto her face and the hem of her skirt.
A little dirty.
...Or maybe, she just pulled the sickle out of her own corpse?
-2-
M was a little dazed, she wasn't quite sure.
She had been in a trance these past few days, unable to determine who she was swinging her knife at.
Is it an evil spirit, or is it myself?
"Sister, you have to settle down and find a partner. You have to start a family. You have to..."
Oh. She remembered her sister's words again.
She listened to those persuasions and teachings in a disjointed manner, and at that time she thought they were just useless chatter.
Her elder sister always urged her to get married. But it was clear that just having her elder sister was enough for her.
She can only have a sister.
-3-
The Banshee is not a living being, so how could she possibly possess things that only living beings are entitled to?
Companionship, like, trust, love.
Human beings can possess these naturally - because they have parents, friends, and will have their own lovers or children in the future.
The human world is a world where many strangers are connected to each other by lines of relationship.
Humans are very weak, but they are born with these things. They talk about [love] with their relatives, friends, lovers and even strangers.
It's as if this thing is natural and right.
-4-
But the Banshee has none of these.
Their birth is a twisted death. They have no parents to rely on. They seek death and power, and can tear apart their own kind for any purpose.
They don't even understand the definition of "own".
What is "possession"? Even oneself is nothing more than a shadow ready to disappear in a corner at any moment.
The Banshee doesn't even own herself.
You can't make fragile humans understand how to tear the enemy's throat with their hands when their neck is broken, nor can you make banshees understand the necessity of learning to [possess] and [love].
It's like you can't tell a stray cat that's rummaging through trash cans and sleeping in an alley:
"Trash cans are dirty, and eating trash is disgusting too. Why not choose high-quality caviar and a pristine white feather cushion and become a cute, soft celebrity kitten?"
-5-
How could stray animals rummaging through garbage for food possibly think about [ownership] and [love]?
It will just look at you like you're an idiot, then walk away arrogantly and briskly.
-6-
...So, fate puts a price on all intangible gifts.
The Banshees are incredibly powerful, but they know nothing and possess nothing.
Don’t understand, don’t comprehend, don’t own—however, once upon a time, the newly born M was always satisfied.
Being bitten, being bullied, and having pieces of the body torn off and eaten by the Gray Banshee from time to time—
But as long as a maple leaf spins and falls on the tip of its nose, M will still pat it and play with it, feeling happy and satisfied.
At that time, all she needed was a maple leaf.
-7-
However, M met W.
W made her discover that banshees could also experience clean water, soaked rice, stain-free porcelain bowls, cute cakes in boxes, and various small skirts that looked like flowers when worn and spun around.
W made her discover that "sister" and "sister" are such warm words.
W made her discover that kind, beautiful, and innocent human beings...
Being able to possess many, many things is worth protecting at all costs.
-8-
And I have nothing.
...Apart from the joy she gets from patting maple leaves, she herself has nothing.
-9-
Power, wealth, fame.
Family, friends, lovers.
M is not very interested in the things that humans have.
Seize power?
She was too used to acting alone in secluded corners, so how could she possibly desire to use power to control others?
Accumulate wealth?
She was so used to foraging for food, resting, and pursuing pleasure that she would never control herself for money.
Build a reputation?
...Why would a witch who is full of evil and takes death as her food and pleasure care about her reputation?
As for friends and loved ones...
-10-
Time will destroy everything.
Friendship is simply two people with similar interests hanging out together, and if they don't, they'll drift apart.
She never had a say in love. After all, it was selfish, chaotic, and mixed with "desire." She had no interest in it.
Family love...
Even though she was his sister, M had hated her more than once during those one thousand and nine times that the world went back in time.
-11-
Hate why she is so kind, so selfless, so...
Abandoning her so often.
They always say "I want to start a family" and "I want to love someone", and then they turn around easily to care about other children and build other families.
She will never be able to tell her sister how long I struggled, how many times I tried, and how much blood and flesh I sacrificed for this meeting.
Because M knew that there was no "equality" in this matter from the beginning.
-12-
She protects her sister in the way of a banshee, but her sister is a human being, so she can only be loved in a human way.
So he took care of her, educated her, and warned her, squeezing out time from the noisy chirping of his children to stew soup and make cakes for her.
Finally, after a maximum of a hundred years, he would abandon her completely.
Close your eyes quietly under the maple tree and the sunshine, and abandon her to the place outside the tombstone.
-13-
When W died, M was actually right next to him.
Although she, who was in charge of the system world at that time, had intentionally or unintentionally alienated herself from her sister for a long time, she was the banshee and could always smell death most keenly.
It was a sunny afternoon. My sister with gray hair was enjoying the cool under a maple tree. She was wearing a beautiful dress and sitting in a comfortable rocking chair.
M turned into a little black cat, squatting quietly behind the maple leaves and on the courtyard wall, watching her.
She had no past, she could find no reason to approach her.
M just watched as her sister's rocking chair slowly came to a stop.
-14-
Finally, the mellow smell of death belonging to her sister reached her nose.
M smelled that she was very calm, like a flower that had been soothed to sleep.
It was not a Banshee-esque death, but an ordinary, quiet and happy one.
...That's enough.
-15-
She turned and left, and behind her was the noise of the grown-up and not-grown-up children raised by her sister stumbling and rushing towards her crying.
…Ah, the noise.
You should know that this is the best outcome I have ever achieved.
What are you crying about? What are you grieving about? Death is clearly nothing more than food for the banshee, a kind of beauty that is interdependent with life—you—you foolish humans who were raised well and didn't know anything about me and my sister—you—
-16-
[Are you like me, completely abandoned by your sister? ]
-17-
Any human being can say that one day they will be reunited with their deceased relatives and loved ones in "heaven".
But M can't.
-18-
Her sister had lived a fulfilling life, leaving her standing in the darkness, facing the almost infinite time that lay ahead.
Taught her so many things that a banshee could never have, and then threw her back to a place where only a banshee could exist.
...So, for M, every time, every time, every time the other guys leave...
Just abandon.
-19-
Why did you meet me so casually, why did you let me remember you so casually, and why did you so casually——
Just leave me here and walk away easily?
【Death】...Don't make excuses, ha,
If it were me, if it were me, I would crawl back to see you even if I faced death——Why do you, you just——
Can't you meet me again?
-20-
M has no other choice.
No matter how much you question or how unfair you feel, those guys have already lain in their graves and closed their eyes happily.
...Besides, there is no such thing as fairness in this world.
Live alone, don't expect any mercy from any creature, no lucky coincidence.
She has fought till now, and has existed till now, so she must understand this truth.
M accepted the fact.
She was the last of the Banshees, and having committed so much carnage, she deserved to be trapped in this endless time.
If the system world is compared to a prison... [Not disappearing] itself is her punishment.
From a sister, to a clingy little girl, to a talkative monk, to a gentleman-looking man, to...
She always has to face all separations alone.
Send away my sister, send away my drinking buddies, send away the strangers I danced with, send away the monsters I played a round of poker with, send away some annoying and greasy guys, send away some guys who like fun.
…only her…only her…
-twenty one-
Stay where you are forever.
Abandoned forever.
[The price of going back to the world is being abandoned by the world.]
[Everyone is moving forward, but you are the only one standing still, carrying all the heavy memories.]
[…Should I give up completely?]
Once, it seemed, someone had said this to her.
Perhaps because M no longer wanted to be awake, she simply couldn't remember who had said these words to her.
She just suddenly remembered these words, and suddenly blinked her eyes and slapped her cheeks hard -
-twenty two-
No, I won't give up.
I seem to owe something, perhaps an unfulfilled bet, an unfulfilled gambling game... She couldn't remember clearly, but she knew very clearly that she owed something.
Just like the [P] in the horrible maintenance department hanging empty on the job board, M continues to walk empty-handed, constantly deleting memories, constantly overcoming countless separations, and constantly struggling to find the positive heart that can allow itself to continue to exist.
Kill yourself, persecute the dead, dance around, soak in alcohol, jump around in a garbage bag, and do anything fun and new.
She is the banshee who is always looking for fun, and she cannot stand even a minute of boredom -
Just like a seriously ill carpenter who grabs the carving knife and keeps repeating to himself that there is still so much undescribed beauty in this world.
M seeks fun, M loves fun, M will never...
Never stop and let the endless "You Are Abandoned" defeat yourself.
-twenty three-
She even forgot the reason for her existence, but it doesn't matter, she is just a fool who can act directly even if she forgets the reason.
-twenty four-
So, long after her sister died, she still stayed in the system world.
Expand the world, balance the rules, grow your power, and protect the wishes of the harmless undead.
M believes that he is more mature, stronger, and invincible than anyone else.
Her sister's previous worries, nagging, and persuasion no longer mattered... Even if she couldn't have anything, even if she had no home at all, she didn't care at all.
-25-
Endless time always destroys everything, and she can only fight back with all her might.
Even if she tried hard to understand the definition of "possession", everything she grabbed would deteriorate and rot in her hands.
More than a thousand backflows almost made her hate her closest sister, not to mention the unlimited time and other people who were not her sisters.
Moreover, even my sister's peaceful and quiet departure would make me unable to suppress those dark resentments...
So, after having love and then losing it, what kind of ending will I face?
-26-
M likes W very much, but she would never say that she owns her.
My encounters and separations with my sister have always been based on an incredible clarity of mind: my sister is a human being, and I am a banshee.
My sister is an independent human being, and I am an independent banshee.
My sister wants to take good care of the family and have many relatives, but I don’t care where the next meal will come from after I’ve eaten the last one.
...M knew from the beginning that they did not own each other.
They cherish each other and tacitly stand at the most appropriate distance.
-27-
But my sister always talks about the non-existent "lover" and "home".
She seemed to really believe and hope that I could find such an existence.
[Sister can't stay with you forever...]
Yes of course.
So is the so-called "lover" enough?
Stop being so naive and kind, sister.
-28-
Who would dare to love a madman like me who has no chance of having love?
They were attracted by the face my sister gave me, but were scared away by my personality.
M didn't blame them—stay away from me, she told everyone she could, stay away from me—
I don’t understand [love] and I won’t be [owned].
I will no longer desire to own anyone.
-29-
Whether it is a man or a woman.
Whether human or non-human.
Whether male or female.
...M has no interest at all.
They always have a mark.
Whenever her sister started to persuade her to find a partner, M couldn't help but think -
[They always identify each other based on gender, appearance, temperament, and body shape.]
-30-
Of course, this is not a mistake.
This is a very normal and natural thing. If you want to love someone, there must be a reason, and this reason must come from the other person's charm - financial resources, power, special skills, appearance and figure, nice voice -
You have to [know] the other person before you can [love] the other person.
But, I don’t know why.
M Every time, every time I can't help but think about it.
Why can't we ignore all these factors and let a complete stranger fall in love with a complete stranger like me?
It’s not the face that resembles her sister, it’s not the petite and cute figure, it’s not the sweet voice.
If someone only saw her dark body and was attracted to her regardless of her gender appearance—
If I could ignore the face, eyes, and voice, and only see a color, a color like a maple leaf.
-31-
[He's a cute guy]
——If we could create a resonance of emotions together like this, with our hearts beating as if we were seeing a dead world being reborn...how wonderful it would be.
M makes this request every time.
...as if she had ever experienced such a unique, strange, and even slightly crazy feeling.
So, my sister always says that this is an overly simplistic fantasy, unrealistic, and too picky.
M wants...
-32-
It doesn't matter.
Anyway, she absolutely doesn't want something like a "partner" and it's impossible for her to actually have one.
I'm not going to use this condition to make a big fuss and say loudly, "I'll date and marry anyone who can turn into a single color and make me fall in love with them at first sight."
What is she, the foolish prince who searches the world for Cinderella with a pair of crystal shoes?
-33-
...Isn't that prince in the story a foolish prince? He can't even remember the person he held hands with and danced with!
M hated that fairy tale so much that he even forced his subordinates to watch the movie in his dormitory, and they would boo loudly when the prince appeared.
"Because he's an idiot! He keeps saying how much he loves someone, but he can't even remember their face. He's actually trying to find a partner based on a pair of shoes! What a mentally retarded idiot!"
Her subordinates: "..."
Her subordinate: "Oh, she is indeed an idiot. But calling her mentally retarded is a bit too much."
-34-
So, I'm still a bad guy.
At this time, M, who had no subordinates, was thinking, and while thinking, he pulled out the sickle from what seemed to be his own corpse in a trance.
Whether it's punishment, madness, or despair... I deserve it.
Without a second sister, there is no care and companionship that the older sister hopes for.
-35-
Whether they are lovers or husband and wife, after decades of human interaction, they will become corrupted and distorted.
Let’s get a divorce…
I definitely can't exist long enough to sustain that kind of fragile and chaotic emotions.
We're not talking about feelings, are we?
The sickle in M's hand fell again, and this time, she completely tore apart the already broken and terrifying world in front of her.
-36-
She stopped alone in the nothingness outside the world, gasping for breath.
Yes... I knew it a long time ago... I guessed it a long time ago... That's why I frivolously like everything, and then forget about it easily before it expires... That's why...
[Who else would want a guy like you besides me? ]
He smiled as usual at this provocation, which was as sharp and willful as ever.
It was as if it wasn't an excessive put-down at all, just a cautious act of coquettishness.
-37-
[Yes, of course. Only if you want me.]
……Oh.
fraud.
-38-
Since I am all you have, and you are all I have—why do you—why do you say to me—
【Let’s stop here.】
...How naive, her little dog.
Does he know what he has done?
He knew that he was her only one - after countless instigations, countless temptations, and countless smiles that seemed to be infinitely tolerant -
The only thing she was sure of possessing?
-39-
M once had nothing.
But she had also been incredibly certain that she completely possessed her husband.
...her husband, her partner, her dog, her... hehe, haha...
M could no longer be the same person he was on that warm afternoon. He squatted silently on the side, waiting until he was completely abandoned, then turned around and left silently.
Because her sister would always go to see humans other than her, her sister always left her with a space where she could be alone and clear-headed.
But the puppy only looked at her, only paid attention to her, and only followed her rules——
That's not some pathetic little drowned dog with an "I have nothing but you" expression.
It was a calm and gentle big dog, and when it met her gaze, it showed only "admiration".
-40-
He and she, it seemed, at some point, were the same thing.
It’s okay to live alone, but, somehow, I’m attracted to a completely different kind of beauty.
It's not just you.
But it must be you.
If I hadn't seen her, I would definitely, definitely continue to walk calmly and indifferently on my own path.
He was a strange yet normal, kind yet indifferent, weak yet powerful guy.
He himself was enough to attract her to look back and touch him again and again.
He was too crazy, too rich, too pure—damn unique plus damn completely possessive—he generously transferred all ownership to her, generously gave all his attention and love—
【Of course I am yours. 】
I like you very, very much.
[Yes, you are the only one who would want someone as bad as me.]
——What a hell!
She no longer had any space to be calm, and every moment she spent with him had nothing to do with the word "clear-headed"!
-41-
Such a guy...
M really, completely, has no other choice.
She was not good at staying calm, so keeping distance and deleting her memories were the only two remedies she could offer.
…But did he give her any chance?
Even if they meet after more than a month, she will still look at him with that look - even if the memory is deleted, she will still come back to look for her again -
It was him, it was him, it was him—he made her truly feel possessed—she truly longed to hold him tightly—
He will die.
M thought coldly that this ordinary human who dared to give the Banshee the illusion of [possession] would really die.
-42-
If he were to leave me, if he were to let go...
Let's get a divorce?
M didn't react at all. Before she could think, she clenched the knife in her hand.
He is hers.
Freedom must be given to her, love must be given to her, and death must also be given to her... Who made him lie to her and say, "You own me"?
If you want to escape, lock you up.
If you are angry, erase your memory.
If you try to escape even after your memory is erased... I will eat your death... turn you into a weak undead... and lock you in the closest place to me, so you can never escape again.
-43-
...See, this is why a guy like me should never try to have love.
[Only] [Own], love contains poisons that will drive me completely crazy.
M scoffed, picked up his sickle, and headed for his next target.
-44-
Yes, if her puppy didn't want to leave her this time, and the words her puppy said were just angry words, and he was just accidentally snatched away by the evil spirit, she could still get him back...
So, what will happen to this ordinary human being a hundred years later?
M's eyes were empty.
...A hundred years later...Have I also existed for too long?
Otherwise, let's be annihilated together at that time.
-45-
I love my puppy.
M silently clenched his fingers, but I could never love my lover.
He...just...has to remain...a puppy.
I want to take it back... take it back... and then what? Then, then, if he leaves again... I...
-46-
Just agree to it.
When time has corrupted everything, which madman would be willing to hold on to the so-called "love" and "possession" and accompany me to endure eternal punishment?
He's just an ordinary human being... he can't stand it.
I...I have to promise...I can't...I can't kill him. !
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