-1-
Few people can say that they met their girlfriend while in prison.
...Of course, if Mr. P were to say it himself, he wouldn't use the word "girlfriend" to describe someone like M.
The existence of "M" itself cannot be summarized and described in a single word.
-2-
And she was not his girlfriend, neither when he first met her nor when he saw her again now.
In M's words, he is called "a fairly OK one-night stand partner". If he were to describe it himself, it would probably be "a one-night stand partner with sustainable development significance"... I guess.
-3-
His clear self-awareness is probably his greatest strength. Mr. P has a clear understanding of his position as a "one-night stand with sustainable development significance."
He had nothing to be sad about. After all, this woman had written on her face, "You seem very interesting. I want to play with you." from the moment they first met.
Oh, Mr. P thought, let her play with it.
-4-
Anyway, his cellmate whom he hadn't seen for a long time seemed very interesting, and he also thought she was very funny.
Fierce and stupid.
It's really fun, especially when I tease her.
-5-
And he didn't feel any psychological pressure to tease her. After all, M would definitely leave the next day and delete all memories of him.
Since she is taking advantage of this time to play with him, he should also take advantage of this time to play with her.
They play with each other in harmony.
-6-
But M's way of playing with him was to drag him into bed, and Mr. P's way of playing with her was to use words, actions, and behaviors to play with her, giving and taking, and watching her reaction or expression - the kind of teasing that was very innocent while she was wearing clothes.
So sometimes she got to play and he didn't, and that would be a little unhappy.
-7-
Maybe some people would say that having a one-night stand with her is a kind of luck and enjoyment in itself, and he is the one who gets the advantage?
How is that possible?
She was the one who dragged him into sex, even though he didn't like sex.
The sex itself? No, I don't like it. Just thinking about it makes me pick my fingers and feel dirty.
Having sex with her? It certainly wouldn't feel dirty, but I definitely wouldn't say I liked it either.
No one can enjoy this when they clearly realize that "I am a massage tool for stress relief and relaxation."
The prerequisite for being able to like this thing is to hypnotize yourself to forget the sad fact that "I am a massage tool" and deceive yourself that "she hugs me so tightly, she must love me so much."
But Mr. P is a ruthless person with too clear self-awareness. He really cannot complete the above self-deception, so he just can't like it.
-8-
When someone moans and scratches your back, it's just because she feels good, it doesn't mean that she has any feelings for you or is dependent on you.
Wake up, it's daybreak, go wash your face with cold water and stop dreaming.
-9-
As a result, after having sex, Ms. M might think, "It was so good, great," but Mr. P would only think, "Another successful massage, haha."
...are fundamentally different.
When he was extremely unhappy, he even considered going to a men's clinic to castrate himself.
Because Miss M came to him just for it, not for him.
-10-
But then Mr. P once again used his clear mind to think about it and came to the conclusion:
This is probably the only part of her body that she likes. If it is cut off, there may be no future.
So he left the operating table of the men's clinic with great regret, and turned around to study the techniques of sex one, two, three, four, and five.
-11-
There is no other way but to prescribe the right medicine for the right condition. After all, this is the only place she likes. Only by furthering her studies in this area can we have a better chance of keeping her.
Although he really hated that thing deep down in his heart, he had thought more than once about cutting it off, so that at least it would no longer be used as a prop.
If he is not treated as a prop, he will become "useless waste". Mr. P's clear self-awareness has prevented his inner impulses countless times.
-12-
……well.
How did the relationship come to be like this?
We can no longer be considered a couple, nor can we be called friends.
Regardless of the complex, long-standing, and profound entanglement between them - not to mention the various things he had met her in prison before -
Even though he finally found himself in an ordinary and ordinary world, and finally experienced an ordinary and ordinary life...
But she still follows him like a shadow.
Intentionally... No, unintentionally, after all, she had that bad and frustrating habit of never remembering him.
-13-
She never remembered him.
Whether in the past, present, or the unpredictable future...
She certainly wouldn't remember him.
Every time she encountered him, she would eliminate him. Her movements were efficient and smooth, without any hesitation, and her attitude was so light-hearted.
Just like moving the mouse and dragging a document from the computer desktop to the Recycle Bin.
With a click, he was cleared by her.
-14-
Extremely simple.
-15-
But it is not a junk file in the recycle bin.
The junk file didn't have an arm around her in bed.
So, at least give it some attention rather than junk files, right?
——Mr. P wanted to express this point countless times, but when he thought about what expression Miss M would have when she knew that "I have cheated on this guy countless times, and he actually remembered every time", he gave up.
Because he didn't really want her guilt, nor did he really want the charity that was a mixture of sympathy and pity.
Even if they keep meeting and separating, and then keep reuniting again——
Mr. P didn't care much.
Because, well, he thought, he probably didn't have any romantic feelings for her?
What feelings could he have for her?
-16-
If he could understand what "love" praised by human beings is, he would not have entered that prison and met her.
-17-
He doesn't understand, doesn't comprehend - if he compares himself to a machine, "love" is probably not in his factory settings at all, and he doesn't have the function to load it.
He doesn't understand what "love" is.
To a greater extent, he actually doesn't quite understand what "emotion" is.
Sadness, sorrow, grievance, anger...
There is a sentence M said to him countless times——
"Won't you be angry?"
And he answered her honestly countless times: "No."
I don’t know, I don’t understand, I don’t comprehend.
-18-
This is also the reason why he was able to become friends with M in prison - they didn't understand, they didn't understand, so they got together and mocked the guys who were in love, making several sarcastic remarks.
...Oh, of course, the one who mocks and ridicules others is M. He usually nods in agreement, expresses his infinite approval of her speech, and apologizes to those who are mocked on her behalf.
-19-
If it weren't for his special status at that time, and if it weren't for the fact that he chased after his cellmate every day to apologize on her behalf...
With M's intensity in mocking, ridiculing, and provoking others, she would have been killed long ago.
That prison was special. All her powers were locked away while she was in there. She was just an ordinary girl there.
-20-
Of course, he still couldn't beat her.
Putting aside his inhuman strength, M can still use the small round spoon used for eating pudding as a weapon.
After all, she is crazy.
Even in that prison, there is probably no one crazier than her.
-twenty one-
Moreover, M didn't care about gains and losses. She did things just for fun, even if she was punished to be sent to solitary confinement after chopping off a guard's neck with a pudding spoon, no longer being able to get any of the tableware provided by the prison, and was also banned from eating pudding for a whole month.
Next time she could still chop the guard's neck with a pudding spoon.
...Don't try to figure out where she'll get her next pudding spoon, because the only friend she made in prison is someone with a very special status.
-twenty two-
She was wearing a straitjacket and banging her head against the wall like a catworm, using the "bang bang bang" sound to complain to him next door that there was no pudding to eat. What else could Mr. P do?
Besides, he couldn't finish his own pudding. Mr. P hated any recipe that was the same day after day without any new ideas. The fixed cup of pudding after the meal was just the same day after day without any new ideas.
He didn't want to eat it, but he was the guy who was given the most puddings in the whole prison.
-twenty three-
There's no way, even if he goes to jail, Mr. P is still an angel.
-twenty four-
The prisoners and guards all liked him, even the terrifying monster under the red lake outside the prison liked him.
Every time he looked out the window, the monster would excitedly contract its suckers, making an "ululu" sound and slapping the rocks.
But every time it hit the reef, the entire prison would shake. For the sake of everyone's safety, Mr. P stopped looking out the window.
-25-
He doesn't quite understand what emotions are, but he knows what can really help others.
Helping others and being considerate of others do not require emotions; just do it according to their desired goals.
-26-
...But M is a special case.
There, here, everywhere, M will be a special case.
That's why she attracted him, that's why she became his favorite person in that prison.
-27-
Mr. P was not at all curious about where M's frivolous and casual attitude towards the opposite sex came from. He was not even curious about why she could handle a relationship so lightly.
Because she is M, an extremely charming existence. No one is not afraid of her, but no one is not attracted to her either.
Mr. P secretly guessed in prison that she must have had many "experiences" and many suitors.
Although she disdains emotions, there are really many people who hope that she will make an exception and stay just for them.
-28-
Mr. P is not one of them.
He is M's friend. He doesn't understand feelings, but he understands M very well.
He knew that she didn't understand "love" as much as he did.
He knew that it was fundamentally impossible for her to make an exception and stay for someone. She hated being bound and just wanted to wander around on her own.
She has her own journey, and there is no problem in walking on it alone. She does not need any guidance or protection.
So, at that time, after she left the prison, she said goodbye to him simply and straightforwardly.
Mr. P did not keep watching her back. He just turned around and left, which was also simple and straightforward.
-29-
After all, well, they were just casual acquaintances.
Mr. P knew that she would soon erase all memories of him, and he also knew what he would do next - go to a certain world, live a good life, work well, become an ordinary human being with many, many good memories, and leave that prison and M behind.
At that time, he had not thought of any possibility of getting entangled with M again in the future - he had things he had to do, and she had a path she had to take -
They are all adults, there is no need for misunderstandings or arguments, they know how to arrange their lives properly.
The other person is definitely not within the scope of "one's own life" and is someone who will never be seen again outside of prison.
Tacit understanding and understanding are probably the only things left from this relationship.
-30-
Moreover, at that time, he and M had not even "met" in the true sense.
They are in different cells and have different identities. They only communicate through walls or curtains. Their voices are specially processed by the prison. When they occasionally gather together, they all wear large masks and the thickest straitjackets, making them unrecognizable.
Moreover, M stayed in the solitary confinement cell twice a day. There were probably no more than two people in the entire prison who had seen her more than twice - not counting those who had only seen her once. Seeing M only once was basically the "last sight of her alive."
So, after filtering out those unlucky ones who have already died completely, Mr. P feels that there are almost no people who often see M himself in the prison.
Maybe it was just herself and her caretaker.
-31-
However, M hated her guard at that time. If he mentioned it during a chat, she would definitely say "呸" to express spitting.
...Mr. P actually didn't quite understand why she always had to say that she was spitting. Did her guard hate her so much? M was obviously a cute child who was easy to get along with?
What if M, for no apparent reason, strongly disliked her guard?
Oh, that's okay, it must be her guard's fault.
-32-
So, he never saw her, and neither did she.
We don’t know her gender, appearance, figure, or voice… but we are still good friends who communicate frequently.
After all, their relationship didn't start with anything external - they just thought the other person was "interesting" and started chatting.
Only when we say goodbye.
He saw her back from a distance and knew that it was a girl with long black hair, who walked in a bouncing manner.
-33-
And that was the end.
He guessed that she had never seen him from beginning to end. After all, it was impossible for M to look at someone's back - she probably only remembered the string of numbers starting with P, and she probably only needed to erase the memory of that string of numbers afterwards.
-34-
Mr. P left and started his own life.
-35-
He didn't specifically try to memorize that back figure. It didn't matter whether his friend had beautiful long hair, a petite figure, or a bouncing pace—it didn't even matter whether the other person was a man or a woman.
He only remembered the small talk he had with her, the crazy things she had done, the promises they had made, the bets or games they had played...
All he knew about the soul itself, from across the prison cell, was interesting, lovely, and charming.
It doesn't matter gender or appearance.
It was enough for him to remember this.
-36-
So Mr. P could definitely judge that he had no romantic feelings for her - he didn't pay much attention to her appearance, didn't care much about her gender, and didn't even like having sex with her. As soon as she started to pull his clothes, he thought, "Haha, here we go again" -
Where does "love" come from like this?
-37-
Maybe it was just the friendship they once had in prison, and the helplessness of being thrown away and picked up again by her countless times.
-38-
How did it really start between them, how did it really get to this point...
He really couldn't remember.
Was it a bar? An underground concert? A small shelter on the street? Or the sunny steps outside the murder scene?
Mr. P thought that he probably couldn't remember how many times she had abandoned him, just like he could never calculate his own income, which was an astronomical figure.
But as many times as she abandoned him, they would meet again.
-39-
Every time is a real encounter and a real beginning.
-40-
Oh, but those countless, countless encounters were not accidental.
-41-
Because Mr. P is a conservative person, ever since he was dragged into a one-night stand for the first time, he felt that she should take responsibility.
Although there is no romantic relationship between us, we can no longer be friends after doing something like this.
Since they can no longer be her considerate and tacit friends, they can no longer simply turn around and say goodbye easily.
——Isn’t it just searching, waiting, and seducing her countless times? He is very familiar with the process.
-42-
He knew he was attracted to her too.
Because of these countless reunions, she never left early.
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