Chapter 44 My burning gaze isn't something just any scum can dabble in...
"To you, am I someone who doesn't care if the soul-summoning ritual is successful and someone else's soul takes over my body?" Heinrich asked, his face drooping, looking so aggrieved that he seemed about to cry.
“Why would you think that?” Lilith frowned.
Yes, you're a slave I bought, a pawn I can discard at any time—that was Lilith's first thought. But based on her basic understanding of management, she knew she shouldn't tell him her true feelings directly.
However, admiring his fragile and vulnerable appearance always gave her a guilty pleasure, so she didn't dislike Heinrich's unreasonable behavior; in fact, she could say she enjoyed it.
"You made a bet with her to have her perform that ritual on me? What if I really forget you when I wake up? Are you going to abandon me and go to Zurich alone?"
Lilith blinked, her mind racing as she considered what to say to appease him. "I don't believe our bond is so weak that it could be so easily broken by magic. Magic isn't omnipotent; just like investments always carry the risk of losing all your capital, magic can also fail at times."
"……Really?"
“Of course.” Lilith smiled sweetly. “You are a very important partner to me, and I would never easily abandon you.”
Heinrich seemed to calm down after Lilith's words of comfort. Lilith breathed a sigh of relief, turned her horse around, and continued on her way, lost in thought. It wasn't good for him to be constantly uneasy.
What went wrong with my dog training methods? Was it because I didn't give enough treats, or because I didn't hit the dog hard enough?
Considering Heinrich's arduous journey through the forest in the rain, followed by his two unfortunate experiences of being drugged, Lilith decided to treat him a little better for the next few days.
As evening approached, they followed the route on the map and found a small town on the edge of the forest. Lilith led her horse to rest at the post station, while Heinrich went to the market, which was closing up, to buy supplies they needed.
Over the next two days, they would pass through the Sprüngen Pass, from where they would traverse the Alps. Besides food, dry rations, and water, warm clothing, fire starters, and even spirits for emergency shelter from the cold were essential.
Lilith sat alone in the inn's restaurant, eating dinner. The poor town lacked the luxurious inns of Padua, and the refined cuisine she enjoyed at Isolde's house. Swiss food was more similar to German cuisine. While the German-style roasted white sausages, mashed potatoes, and sauerkraut were quite tasty, Lilith was already tired of eating the same things every day.
Most importantly, the presence of so many strangers made Lilith feel uneasy. She could only slowly and deliberately cut the sausage with her knife and fork and put it into her mouth like a proper noble lady, while being wary of the ill-intentioned gazes of the men around her.
Having lost the armed guards of the caravan and Heinrich's company, Lilith was unwilling to reveal her noble status to others. Partly to avoid attracting thieves by flaunting her wealth, and partly to shake off spies planted by her rivals. However, she simply couldn't disguise herself as a man from another social class and could only continue to present herself as a woman.
The hairy, sweat-smelling men tossed their axes and bundles aside, sat down, grabbed pig's trotters, and began to devour them with great eagerness. Among them were merchants, mercenaries, lumberjacks, and hunters. The inn's waitresses were used to the lecherous stares of those who had finished their meals.
In this chaotic yet opportune era, a fisherman's son can become a pope; a farmer tilling the fields can transform into a king; a prisoner on the brink of death today may be a wealthy tycoon tomorrow [Note]. Whether they are middle-aged men or young men who haven't yet grown a beard, they are all full of energy, enthusiastically discussing politics, economics, and religion at the dinner table.
Lilith observed them silently. She was excited by some of the topics they were discussing—the crazy adventures, the lost treasures, the unknown distances…all of which were all very appealing.
However, other things made her feel nauseous. Women were their spoils, their playthings, or their topics of conversation.
The lewd glances that occasionally drifted over made her even more uncomfortable. The blatant, naked desire was more repulsive than the sarcastic rejection from the upper-class men, who saw Lilith as an intruder into their male domain, while the former saw her as innocent prey who had fallen into a trap.
"See that redhead over there? Is that girl new?"
"I don't know, he's a complete stranger. That redhead is really something, maybe he's some bastard from the East. I wonder how much he charges per session..."
The malicious discussion grew louder, as if it were all meant to reach Lilith's ears. Why hadn't Heinrich arrived yet? Having experienced a previous forced intrusion, Lilith dared not return to her room alone. She couldn't decide whether being alone in a private space where intrusion was always a possibility or being watched closely in a public space was more dangerous.
"Hello." She raised her hand to the waitress in the restaurant, "Bring a large plate of Bavarian fried pork knuckle for my companion."
The brisk waiter quickly placed the fried pork knuckle, smeared with sauce, on the table in front of Lilith. She had already eaten sausages and couldn't possibly eat such a large main course, which meant she must have someone waiting for her.
The discussion gradually subsided, and Lilith breathed a sigh of relief, but Heinrich still hadn't returned. She watched the sunset outside the window, the sky slowly darkening. Suddenly, a scruffy, sweaty man sat down in front of her.
"Miss, are you alone?"
“No, there’s also a dog.” Lilith raised an eyebrow and replied dismissively.
"Where's the dog? I can't see it." The man squatted down and looked around the table and chairs, but he couldn't find the dog anywhere.
“Right in front of me.” Lilith stared coldly at the other person’s ugly and lewd face.
"You dare to mock me!" The man slammed his fist on the table and stood up in a rage. Before he could make his next move, a dagger was pressed against his neck.
“I wasn’t talking about you, I was talking about the one behind you.” Lilith gave a mocking smile. “Not just any scum can be my dog.”
Under the threat of the blade, the man had no choice but to surrender and leave dejectedly.
“This is for you.” Lilith pointed to the cold pork knuckle on the table. “Take it back to your room and eat it. I’m tired.”
"Yes, ma'am."
Heinrich picked up the plate and walked towards the stairs, with Lilith following behind him, attracting a crowd of curious glances, which now held a hint of fear rather than the previous lewd stares. But they quickly looked away, turning their attention to the waitress who came out of the kitchen carrying three plates in each hand to serve the food.
As she bent down to place the plate on the table, the man who had just been humiliated by Lilith ripped open her collar and stuffed the tip into her bra. His actions quickly drew laughter from the men, and the waitress's shy, coquettish protests were exactly what they wanted.
Lilith turned her head away, unable to bear the sight. Why was it like this? She climbed the steps, one by one, and through the window, she saw a boy and a girl, about five or six years old, playing in the fountain in the center of the square. Would childhood playmates grow up to have the same disgusting hunter-prey relationship as in adult taverns? If those little girls knew their fate, would they still look forward to growing up and dream about the future?
“I’m sorry I’m late, and that you had to go through that whole ordeal.” Heinrich broke the silence when he saw Lilith remain expressionless for a long time. “When I arrived, the shops had already closed up shop. I had to haggle with the vendors for quite a while before they finally agreed to sell me anything.”
“No, it’s not your fault.” Lilith glanced back at him, frowning when she saw his short blond hair. “Perhaps not. Heinrich, tell me, should I cut my hair short and present myself as a man from now on?”
"Why would you think that?" Heinrich was taken aback, holding a plate in one hand and pushing open the door for Lilith with the other.
“That might save me a lot of trouble.” Lilith sat down on the edge of the bed and analyzed silently, “I won’t be sexually harassed by disgusting and filthy men anymore, and I won’t be questioned about my abilities or restricted by rules and regulations just because I’m a woman… But you’re a man too, you can’t possibly understand me.”
“But you did reveal your true gender to Isolde in the end, and that helped you build a genuine friendship, didn’t it?” Heinrich pondered.
"Yes. Actually... I really like my female identity. It might sound strange, because being a woman has made me suffer since birth. Illegitimate children might inherit the family business after the legitimate son dies, but illegitimate daughters have no value except for being used as tools for political marriages."
"You've all seen it with your own eyes: Mauro's humiliation of me, the contempt of my fellow money changers, and Lorenzo's disgusting possessiveness. Even in such an era of opportunity, it's incredibly difficult for a woman to accomplish anything."
"However, I was also very moved and cherished all the friends and companions I met along the way. I remember when I was a child, I had a fight with my family because of Mauro. Mauro sabotaged me and secretly cut off my tuition at the monastery without my father's knowledge, leaving me without food. At that time, Sofia would always give me double the money to buy her food. Later, this matter reached the head of the Dandolo family, and they told Aunt Elena, who then told my father, and my father resumed my tuition."
"Yes, not only Sofia, but also Aunt Elena, Teacher Clara, Cecilia, Tata, Ivanka, and Isolde, whom I met on this trip. I felt very happy when I talked to them."
“None of them lived the way society expected them to. They were full of personality and charm, unlike those cookie-cutter men, all the same—obscene, vulgar, and disgusting. Heinrich, why do you think those people were so repulsive?”
"I don't know either……"
Heinrich pondered Lilith's words. From a young age, he had followed the family's planned schedule for his studies, life, and training, striving to become an upright, brave, strong, and resilient heir. His once perfect fiancée was nothing more than a virtuous wife and loving mother with Lilith's face—a notion he only realized was absurd after truly getting to know Lilith.
Lilith ignored Heinrich's silence and continued speaking to herself:
"Yes, pretending to be a vile and despicable creature, living with a mask for the rest of your life, that's so tiring and exhausting, it won't make me happy at all. I'd rather live with my true self, challenge injustices, and enjoy the pure friendship between women."
Lilith looked up and gazed out the window at the night sky. The bright moon hung high, and the stars twinkled, their light reflected in her eyes.
"If only I could earn lots and lots of money, enough to change the world. I wish all women would no longer suffer inexplicable contempt, harassment, and insults; no one would be forced to become an appendage of men and children like Maria; and no one would forget themselves while indulging in romantic fantasies like Isolde. I wish everyone could freely choose the path they want to take and live confidently and happily."
“You can definitely do it.” Heinrich suddenly felt an indescribable sense of powerlessness, and a mixture of emotions surged in his chest.
"I hope so. But before that, Heinrich, the Bavarian fried pork knuckle I bought especially for you is already cold." Lilith grinned mischievously, picked up the metal plate, confiscated the knife and fork, and placed the food on the floor. "Eat up, my good boy, finish it all."
[Note] The three cases listed here refer to Pope Sixtus IV (1414-1484), Mucchio Sforza (1369-1424), father of the Duke of Milan, and Cosimo de' Medici (1389-1464), a banker in Florence.
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Author's Note: I only found out today while browsing XHS that readers generally consider updating every other day to be a break? Well, I'm so sorry, I'm kneeling down in apology. This is my first time writing a story, and I inexplicably overestimated my writing speed... Next time, I'll definitely build up a huge backlog of drafts before starting.
However, I've seen some authors keep the average word count per chapter around 2,000 to maintain daily updates. If that's the case, my weekly update of 15,000 words could actually be considered a form of daily updates (lol).
Thank you all for your support! I love you all! Next update on Wednesday [kiss]
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