A Light Kiss (A Timely Letter)
His kiss was like a dragonfly skimming the water, sudden and fleeting, a light touch before slowly pulling away.
Pan Yue's large hand cupped her cheek, using some force to gently lift it upwards.
Zhu Shiyi buried herself in his arms, not daring to look up or move; she dared not look at him.
She felt a sudden, forceful pull on her face; he seemed to be trying to lift her head, though she didn't know what he was trying to do.
She gave a soft hum and plunged forward, burying herself even lower.
10:53 PM.
The shops near the school gate had closed early; the night was dark, and few pedestrians were around. Only the moonlight, like silver sand, poured down softly. Everything was so quiet, so quiet that she could clearly hear the fluttering of her heart inside her chest.
He didn't try any harder.
“…Let’s go back.” Pan Yue’s voice was a little hoarse.
Her throat felt inexplicably dry, and she pursed her lips, raising her eyes to look at him furtively.
Her long eyelashes drooped low, and he paused, his gaze seemingly brushing against her lips.
Zhu Shiyi's heart tightened, and something inexplicable seemed to flash through his mind. Suddenly, someone forcefully rubbed the back of his head.
"It's time for curfew," Pan Yue said gently. "Go back."
“…Oh.” Zhu Shiyi responded dazedly.
She saw Pan Yue curl his lips into a smile.
She smiled, her lips glistening with a hint of light: "I'll pick you up on Saturday noon, okay?"
“…Hmm.” Zhu Shiyi didn’t even know what she said; it was as if her soul had been drawn away by something.
Pan Yue suddenly pulled something out of his pocket and stuffed it into her pocket: "Happy New Year, little friend."
Zhu Shiyi curiously touched it: "What is that?"
Pan Yue grabbed her hand: "You too, go back and take it apart."
--
Before that time.
At the school gate, in the car.
Pan Yue read her letter for the first time.
【Dear Boyfriend: Hello!】
Time flies, and half a year has passed since we met. I'm writing this letter to tell you some things.
Six months ago, I was sensitive and overthinking. I was always afraid of being disliked and always wanted to please others. I didn't even dare to offend the oddballs I encountered in the competition.
But then I met you. You told me that caring too much about the other person's choices leads to a prisoner's dilemma, but if you know their choice, you can find the optimal answer using game theory.
You told me that in interpersonal relationships, betrayal and separation are equally balanced. They betrayed me, so I betrayed them. I no longer unconsciously try to please others, and I dare to fight back against malice. You taught me such a valuable skill as "rationality," and here, I want to say thank you to Pan Yue from six months ago.
[Sorry, I've strayed off-topic. Let's get back to the main point. That night, Yao Liang, you said I had a better option, so I think you believed I would choose to betray you. According to game theory, to avoid getting hurt, you should indeed choose to betray me.]
But you didn't; you chose to cooperate. You even told me you would always choose cooperation. These past two days I've been thinking, why did you do this? Why did you abandon reason? Why did you become impulsive? You're clearly not a reckless person; you're never emotional.
To understand this, I researched a lot of information. There were many things I didn't understand, but I discovered one thing: the Prisoner's Dilemma isn't just about a "Nash equilibrium," where mutual betrayal is the only possible solution. It's not that simple; there are many other scenarios, such as repeated games, which might lead to a different solution, such as Pareto optimality.
I also saw a quote: "Rational youth choose Nash equilibrium, idealistic youth choose Pareto optimality."
The information states that the Prisoner's Dilemma and Nash Equilibrium are non-cooperative game theories. In other words, the premise of such game theory is that one considers oneself an absolutely "rational person," choosing actions based on maximizing personal gain.
What is the concept of an "absolutely rational man"? I think it's a person who, according to theoretical assumptions, has no emotions. You are undoubtedly an extremely rational person; but are you, in the dogmatic definition, such an absolutely "rational man"? I think no, and no one would be.
What makes us human is not just our ability to think and reason; we also possess animalistic traits, innate instincts, and the emotions of joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness.
To survive, biological genes have continuously evolved, leading to the emergence of a rational brain unique to humans. However, long before this, the instinctive and emotional brain had already evolved for hundreds of millions of years. Their power is extremely strong and cannot be ignored; in some ways, it is even more powerful than rationality. So powerful that rationality can justify and explain its decisions, thus eliminating the discrepancy between thought and action. Otherwise, one would suffer and experience cognitive dissonance.
Pan Yue, are you in pain? Has your rationality successfully justified your behavior? I truly want to be with you, and I genuinely hope you can be happy; of course, what I hope for most is that you can be happy with me, the kind of happiness that doesn't involve cognitive dissonance.
To ensure survival, genes evolved instincts and emotions long ago, which have persisted for hundreds of millions of years without ever disappearing. This precisely proves that instinctive emotions are extremely important in our lives; they are a survival mode preserved by our genes. Pleasure and pain are a reward and punishment mechanism for survival. Therefore, to go against one's instincts is to go against life itself.
What I want to say is, you did the right thing; you listened to your heart.
Life isn't always smooth sailing. Sometimes, we are forced to accept things we don't want to accept. For example, I hate Li Xuan, but I can't kill him, can I? For the sake of balance, our rationality will always convince us that it's okay, that's just how the world is, and we'll get through it.
However, some things in life cannot be compromised, such as values, principles, and our relationships. Those important moments are the true reason why "I" am "me."
The things we want to do are the foundation of our lives.
Let's get back to game theory. None of us can be absolutely "rational." We can certainly choose Pareto optimality. I want to work with you to choose cooperation, sacrificing some personal interests to maximize collective benefit.
I have no grievances, because we are one. I love you, I can't bear to hurt you, your interests are my interests, hurting you is hurting me, your loss is my loss.
If you like me, then please understand that, for me, love is the optimal solution in this game.
I hope that after reading this letter, you will feel comfortable entrusting your feelings to me.
Therefore, Pan Yue.
Don't be so cautious with me.
The letter ends.
Wishing you happiness.
......
Pan Yue's eyes started to sting without him realizing it. He took off his glasses and pinched his brow. Suddenly, he touched the corner of his eye and felt a slight dampness.
Her handwritten letter, written in black and white, every word and phrase, was filled with emotion and shock.
Pareto optimality means that there is no room for Pareto improvement.
Pareto improvement is an increase in the benefit of at least one person without affecting the interests of others.
In other words, it means giving up a small portion of personal interests to maximize overall benefits.
From a rational perspective, Pareto optimality is not stable because people are selfish; in a game, taking advantage of others' interests always maximizes one's own.
Is human nature truly absolutely selfish?
If human nature is inherently selfish, then on a grand scale, no one will have the world in their heart, sacrifice themselves for the country, establish a moral compass for heaven and earth, or create peace for all generations.
On a smaller scale, there is no such thing as absolutely sincere affection or eternal love.
Pan Yue felt a surge of emotion welling up inside him.
He didn't consider himself a gentleman; he couldn't be a selfless hero. He always weighed his options and felt cowardly. In the quiet of the night, he couldn't help but wonder if he could keep the promises he had made to her.
Fortunately, Zhu Shiyi discovered it.
She saw his unspoken feelings, and then, delving into his way of thinking, she reasoned with him logically and methodically, telling him that he didn't have to bear so much alone. From any perspective, she truly found it sweet.
She didn't accuse him of cowardice in weighing the options or selfishness driven by animalistic instincts. She said everything was fine and there was nothing to worry about.
It felt like something had been let go of in my heart; I felt a sense of ease, yet also a little guilty.
Even though she's the younger one, he makes her worry.
He felt he owed her something.
She was truly too understanding, so good that he didn't know how to cherish her.
Her fingertips unconsciously caressed the letter paper. Her handwriting was delicate yet not rigid, with a touch of playful elegance in every stroke.
Indeed, her handwriting reflects her personality; her handwriting is just like her.
He couldn't help but recall his past with her.
Zhu Shiyi.
In the twilight and gentle breeze, she sang quietly on the stage.
At that time, he didn't understand and paid no attention to the turmoil in his heart.
But slowly, he discovered...
When I saw her on stage again, the girl lowered her eyes, strummed her fingers, and hummed softly. Her melodious voice filled the air, and the lingering notes of her song were beautiful and pleasant to hear.
He looked at her with admiration, joy, affection, and comfort; then, his heart fluttered, he lingered, his heart pounded, and he was exhilarated.
Once again, he felt that familiar heartbeat.
Unconsciously, his heart began to resonate, and he let himself explore deeper into it without even realizing it.
The more I interacted with her, the more vivid her image became. Before I knew it, a surge of curiosity had overwhelmed me, roaring in like waves. When I was around her, my heart was never at peace.
This moment.
In a corner of my heart, her image became increasingly blurred once again.
It's like a mystery.
Pan Yue realized that he could not be satisfied with this at all; he wanted to possess her and have her.
As if driven by instinct, he texted her to come downstairs.
Zhu Shiyi seemed unwilling. She puffed out her cheeks and ran over in a huff.
The moment he saw her, Pan Yue's heart was filled with burning passion. His blood surged, and he swallowed hard to suppress the restlessness in his heart.
He felt he was terribly bad.
She tilted her head and mumbled something incoherently.
Pan Yue couldn't hear it at all.
His eyes were fixed on those bright red lips.
He didn't know when Zhu Shiyi had fallen in love, but at this moment, he was certain that the moment he saw her, their fate was sealed for life.
His heart had already sunk.
......
She said, "Follow your heart."
Don't be so cautious, right?
......
He pressed his lips against hers.
The lips he longed for day and night.
......
In the corner of my heart, her figure became clear once more.
For the umpteenth time, he felt that familiar heartbeat.
Love at first sight, love at first glance—it's all too fantastical.
He never imagined that such a scenario would happen to him.
But it is indeed true.
But isn't this kind of ultimate, pure beauty the most precious and desirable thing in life?
No matter where he was or what time it was, he still felt his heart flutter when he was in her presence.
Never before had Pan Yue held such unwavering conviction about a single idea as he did at this moment.
She is the emotional debt he has to repay in this lifetime.
--
Tonight, I'm lying in my dorm bed for the second time.
It was getting late, and the dormitory lights had long been turned off. My roommates had been busy all day and had gone to sleep early; I could occasionally hear their steady breathing.
Zhu Shiyi, however, was wide awake. She stared blankly at the darkness above the bed curtains, her fingertips unconsciously touching her lips.
She really did kiss Pan Yue.
...They kissed?
So what does kissing feel like?
It seems like she doesn't know.
Why?
Don't novels always say that when you kiss someone you like, you feel shy, embarrassed, your heart races, your scalp tingles, and your legs go weak?
Why doesn't she have it?
She felt nothing when he kissed her. Did she not like him?
But how could that be!
How could she not like Pan Yue?
Frustrated, Zhu Shiyi turned over and closed her eyes, savoring the kiss.
......
Soft.
Light.
Be careful;
Somewhat devout.
Zhu Shiyi couldn't help but lick her lips, her tongue soft and light, as if still carrying his flavor.
It seems... I have a feeling about it too.
She felt his lips lightly brush against hers. They were cool, probably from the wind; yet warm, just like the temperature of his fingertips.
She closed her eyes tightly, trying hard to recall that moment.
...It seems she doesn't remember any other feelings. At that moment, she really didn't feel anything.
Zhu Shiyi touched his chest; his heart was pounding nonstop.
Looking back now, she must have been moved.
Ahhh!
Zhu Shiyi pulled the blanket over her head, wailing silently, and even doubted whether she had a split personality.
When I kiss him, do I feel anything?!
Is it because they weren't very skilled at kissing, and the kiss didn't last long and was so sudden that it didn't leave a strong impression?
Throwing back the covers, Zhu Shiyi took a deep breath, rallied herself, and silently made up her mind—
Next time they meet, she definitely wants to try kissing him again!
She closed her eyes and recalled the little thing Pan Yue had stuffed into her pocket. It was a red envelope full of money. She took it out and counted it. There was a total of five thousand yuan, which was several times more than all the red envelopes she had received during the Chinese New Year!
A note was tucked among the red Mao Zedong bills.
Happy New Year, little one.
Thank you for understanding me.
I also hope you will always be happy.
His handwriting is elegant and vigorous; one can immediately tell that the person who wrote it was in a very comfortable mood.
Zhu Shiyi couldn't help but laugh, letting out a soft chuckle in the quiet night.
It seems she was right!
The letter she wrote was very useful.
In an era of materialism, if something doesn't have any "practical" "meaning," it seems like it's useless and there's no reason to do it.
But feelings shouldn't be like this.
Human relationships don't need to be discussed in terms of meaning;
Because emotion itself is meaning.
The sixth route is suitable for all matters.
Love is a power that transcends everything.
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