Chapter 232
Wang Jiazhi woke up at just before seven o'clock, and petals from the red roses on the table fell onto her. It had only been six hours, and it felt like she had spent half her life in a dream.
I probably stayed up all night last night to fill in the plot for that novel. In the hero's dream, the heroine came back to life, and after his constant confession, she forgave him. A daughter was born. The family lived happily in the mountains for three years. One day, it was his daughter's birthday, and he went down the mountain. The heroine, holding the child, saw him off at the door and said she would wait for him to return.
When he came back, his warm and beautiful home had turned into ruins, and all the red roses in the yard had lost their petals, leaving the ground covered in blood-red petals.
It turned out that those three years were just a three-day dream he spent in the mortal world.
The hero is unwilling to accept reality. The happiness in his dream makes his pain in the mortal world double and double, and the pain makes him feel like dying.
Wang Jiazhi thought that she had this dream because she was thinking about the novel last night.
In the dream, she was so confident, and her pain didn't torment her at all. That was really good, as if all the past events had been forgotten.
But that was just a dream, it never came down to earth.
If she really met him in his twenties with her memories, she would have been tempted to look for him. But she couldn't help but confess her past to him, and then, nothing happened.
After all, he was still a blank slate at that time, and she was already a fallen woman.
Although she was living her life anew, this time she rejected them. Her body wouldn't be flawed. But what had happened had happened, and what was dirty was dirty.
Unless she really forgets that memory.
Maybe if he really likes her, this will cast a huge shadow on his future life and he will never trust any woman again.
She looks quiet and proud on the surface, but in fact she is a bitch who doesn't love herself.
And now, she herself was caught up in the man's unbearable pain. But this was not the first time she had felt such unbearable pain.
Wang Jiazhi often fell into serious self-doubt because of that incident. Compared with physical torture, mental torture is more inhumane.
She is an extremely rebellious and extremely self-deprecating person.
At first she always wondered why she had to go through all this.
If I hadn't been blindly in love with Kuang Yumin at the beginning, what happened later would never have happened.
I feel that I am childish and a coward who accepts everything that happens to me, but will people like me be as unlucky as her?
Sometimes people meet someone who is truly kind, considerate, and caring towards them. Why did it have to be her?
Before that, she just thought it was her bad luck, but after that, she fell into great self-doubt.
She hated those people, but sometimes she felt that it was not them but herself who hurt her.
Everyone might encounter bad people, but not everyone is like her. If it was a robber, she would have no choice, forced into a situation where she had no alternative. But she could refuse.
If it were someone else, they would have joined their trap out of dislike for them, but when they made such a request, they would have refused. How could it be like her?
She felt that she was not only stupid, but also had no self-respect.
Some girls would even die to preserve their chastity, but she did not resist at all.
Being raped by a bad guy or being forced to sell one's body due to life's pressure were all forced upon them, and it was not as absurd as hers.
Although their bodies were defiled, their souls were clean.
Thinking of that dirty and shameful practice, Wang Jiazhi felt that her soul was also dirty.
There is a story in Sanyan Erpai about a beautiful and intelligent daughter of an official family. Her family was killed by bandits, and she was also raped by them.
Having escaped death, she was determined to avenge her family. However, as a fifteen-year-old girl, she could not do it on her own. To seek revenge, she had to work for an old ship captain, who later sold her several times.
But she never gave up her belief in revenge. After going through so many twists and turns, she finally got her revenge.
But after that, she wrote a suicide note and said that a man's virtue lies in righteousness and a woman's virtue lies in chastity. If a woman is not chaste, she is no different from an animal!
When I read this story as a child, I felt deeply sad. I thought of her life of hardship, and finally being sold to a handsome scholar as a concubine to continue the family line. She and her husband fell deeply in love, and later had a child. The first wife treated her well. Finally, her husband avenged her and didn't care about her past. Better days lay ahead. Although she lost her virginity, it wasn't her fault. Why did she have to die?
Now she understood that she wanted to die not only because she felt defiled, but also because this life was too tiring and she no longer had the strength to live.
Although both of us lost our virginity, the difference between us is like heaven and earth.
Now Wang Jiazhi felt suffocated when she read the line, "If a woman is not chaste, she is no different from an animal!"
Not only did she destroy something more important than her life with her own hands, but she also did it with someone she hated.
Sometimes when she takes a shower and sees her own body, she thinks about how her once clean and beautiful body was taken away by a filthy, promiscuous man... Especially since that man... She herself took the initiative to find ways to engage in such filthy practice.
She kept shouting in her heart, she didn't want to, she didn't want to!
But another voice scolded her, asking why she agreed if she didn't want to, why she not only didn't struggle, but also tried to find ways to be abused, and tried to cooperate in doing that dirty thing.
Even animals know that they only do things with people they like, and they can't do things with people they don't like. She once read in a magazine that during lion mating season, a male lion set his sights on a lioness, but the lioness didn't like him and refused to have sex with him. The male lion beat him up, but the lioness still refused to have sex with him.
She felt like she was being stabbed in the heart, thinking that she was even worse than an animal.
She was a celebrity at school, with many classmates and teachers praising her. Lai Xiujin had a problem with her, and people said he was jealous of her and how could he compare to her.
She hated Lai Xiujing, but sometimes she felt that she was not even as good as Lai Xiujing.
Lai Xiujing knows what is the most precious thing for a woman. If she were in his place, she would definitely refuse.
Sometimes when she heard people say that, she felt that she was just a person with a beautiful appearance but a rotten heart.
It was also at that moment that she suddenly understood why people like Kuang Yumin despised her so much.
If she was raped, they might feel sorry for her, but she did it voluntarily. Who would respect a person like her who has no self-respect and treats chastity as a joke?
She seemed to have lost her memory during that period, and the most terrifying thing was not only that she had lost her virginity, but also that she had fallen into terrible self-doubt. She sometimes felt that she was a complete fool and a bitch.
At that time, she saw a story in a magazine about a woman who was raped. When her husband came back, she didn't dare tell him, but she felt very painful and guilty.
She thought to herself, "Why blame yourself? It's not your own will, and it's not your fault."
After I hooked up with him at that time, the inferiority complex I had in the past dissipated a lot, but later I started to care about it again.
At first, not only did I not refuse, I also...
That rotten whore was totally unacceptable. In order to practice that thing, she shamelessly took the initiative to find ways to make herself feel something.
Thinking of that, she even considered committing suicide several times. A book said that when a woman who was considered a bitch in the village died, people said that her ashes should be crushed to dust, which meant that scattering them in the river would pollute the water.
That was her terrible state of mind sometimes.
It's like a scene from a movie: a woman is raped by a robber who breaks into her home. When her husband returns from a long journey, she dares not tell him, and the night is even more intense than usual. Then she cries in his arms. She tries to forget the incident this way, but she's still heartbroken.
When her emotions reached their peak, she clung to him madly. She thought that if she had him enter her body more times, the pain from the dirty practice would be diluted, but it turned out to be even more painful.
That was the most horrific time she was tormented by the shameful experience. After several attempts, she wanted him to continue. They were both on the verge of death, and after another ending, she still held him tightly, signaling him to do it again. He didn't start again, and she cried out in despair, "You want me, I want more, you want me..."
He pressed her into his arms, holding her tightly, stroking the back of her hair, and said, "It's okay, it's okay."
She knew that she would have nothing forever, and even the little love the man in her arms had for her would disappear when he knew everything.
She had read a novel in which a woman was supposed to remain chaste, but to protect her child, she had no choice but to obey the man. The next day, she lamented the difference between remaining chaste and losing it, the difference between heaven and earth, all in a single night.
She sighed, wasn't that her, just a short time, less than a day, and she was still clean a few hours ago.
She knew that she would lose a lot, but she had no idea that the defilement would bring her such unimaginable pain in the future, which would torment her for the rest of her life.
When she lost her memory, she also fantasized that she might meet someone she truly loved in the future. She would definitely confess to him, and if he really liked her, maybe he would accept her past.
But it’s different after dying once.
Several female classmates around her also hinted that she should take the opportunity to find a good man, but she told Xiaoshuang: "I will not get married."
Xiao Shuang smiled and said, "You don't have to be shy or try to be strong. When you meet your lover, you will definitely want to marry him and be together forever."
She thought to herself, "Even if I encounter it, I won't do it anymore."
At the time, Xiaoshuang was reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles and was crying miserably. She said, "Tess and the heroine of Waterloo Bridge are the same. Their husbands don't care about the past, so why do they have to make things difficult for themselves and want to die? Losing your virginity doesn't mean you don't deserve to live. Why do foreigners always do stupid things like saying that life and death are minor, but losing one's chastity is the biggest thing?"
She said, "They are hard on themselves, but it's not because they lost their virginity; it's because they have to leave an imperfect self to the one they love. If they hadn't met their loved one, and had married a reliable, honest man without love, perhaps they would have lived a peaceful and stable life. If they truly believed that losing their virginity was a death sentence, they wouldn't have sold themselves out to survive."
Xiao Shuang said, "If you put it that way, it was their love that killed them. If they didn't love their husbands, or if their husbands never came back, they could still live."
She said, "Sometimes, love is a terrible ordeal."
Tess is a poor farm girl. Her father is an alcoholic, her mother is a coward, her family is very poor, and she has a group of hungry brothers and sisters.
In order to survive, her parents sent her to work as a servant in a wealthy family who had ulterior motives towards her. From the moment she left home, her parents tacitly assumed that she would become a plaything of the rich.
Although she disliked dandies and repeatedly refused, one time when she was being abused and bullied by servants, he rescued her from the crowd, helped her onto his horse, and took her home. Once they entered the woods, she was terrified and helpless, and was raped. But she was only sixteen, so was that her fault?
She resolutely left the dude, but she was already pregnant. She gave birth to the child, and although she hated his father, she loved her child.
The child died when he was only a few months old and was never baptized. The pastor said her child could not go to heaven.
She hated in her heart that if her child couldn't go to heaven, then there would be nothing good about heaven.
Later she left the sad place and went to work in a dairy factory far away.
She fell in love with her future husband, but she didn't dare to, feeling unworthy. Yet, she couldn't help but love him, and before the wedding, she wrote him a letter confessing everything. He remained as kind to her as ever, and she thought he had accepted her past. Later, she discovered that the letter had been left there all along, undiscovered.
On their wedding night, her husband confessed to her that he had been with a prostitute and hoped that she would forgive him for his past. She also told him about her past, but she forgave him, but he refused to forgive her.
He thought his wife was so pure and innocent, but he didn't expect the truth to be so cruel. On their wedding night, her husband refused to touch her, and they slept in separate rooms. The next day, he left her and went away.
Later, her father died of illness, and the whole family lived on the streets. The playboy found her again and said that if she did not become his lover, the whole family would have no way to survive.
She wrote countless letters to her husband, begging him to save her. If he ignored her, she would be forced to betray him.
Those letters fell on deaf ears, and she became a playboy's lover, living a life like a walking corpse.
But one day her husband came to her and told her that he had gone somewhere else and had not received her letter.
Her husband told her that he had thought it through and wanted her to go back with him. He didn't mind even if she became a playboy's lover.
She told him it was too late.
After her husband left in despair, she returned to her room and killed the playboy in pain and despair.
She caught up with her husband, hugged him, and told him that she had killed the playboy, and she was clean now, and she could go with him.
She and her real husband only had a few days of happiness before he was captured and hanged in the marketplace.
Before she died, she asked her younger sister to marry her husband, saying that her younger sister was better and purer than herself, and that her younger sister had all the good qualities of hers, but none of her bad qualities.
On the way to escape, Tess was exhausted and lay down on a stone slab. When she learned that the stone slab was an altar, she said, "Is this where they offer sacrifices to the gods?"
Wang Jiazhi was shocked every time she read this.
It seems that Europe, like here, also likes to use women for sacrifice.
But does the method of sacrifice require women to be defiled and suffer? If that were the case, how could the God have the nerve to call himself God?
Tess thought it was her fault until her death. But she was only sixteen years old, so where was her fault?
Before they got married, her mother told Tess that many girls had the same experience as her, and no one would be stupid enough to tell their husband.
But what she wanted was a lover, not just a husband.
It is because of that that I feel like I owe the other person, I cannot hide anything, and only when the other person says they don't mind do I feel qualified to be with them.
If she had only wanted a husband, her life would not have ended like that. Her husband would never know and would still love and pamper her. She went from being a peasant girl to a lady of noble status, living a life of wealth and prosperity.
Tess was only sixteen, just a child.
But I am already an adult and I am not worthy of Tess at all.
The pain was endless torture.
She wanted so badly to see him again. Even if she could tell him those things, she didn't have the courage to tell him. In the end, she knew they must have told everything. She knew she wouldn't survive. She just hoped that once he knew her past, he would tell her before she died that he didn't think she was dirty, that he didn't care about her past. But he didn't come. Of course, he cared.
Some people said that she told others the most difficult words in her life, and suddenly she felt relieved, as if she had become a new person.
She had always been a strong-willed woman, never giving up. No matter how heartbroken she was, she never cried in front of others, only hiding under the covers and weeping until her tears dried up. She also held back tears when her father left her; she felt like crying when she felt her sacrifice was in vain and she hung up the phone, feeling hopeless, but she forced herself not to cry.
Even afterward, she cried endlessly in front of him. She didn't dare tell anyone about her shameful past. She'd wanted to tell him so many times, and she'd wanted him to admit that she wasn't what she thought she was. But she didn't have the courage. If she could help it, she'd never, ever let him know.
The sun had risen, and its warm rays shone on her body. She sat by the window, enveloped in the warm sunlight, and could hear the lively voices outside.
Everything was so beautiful, but at this moment she was in tears, sobbing and twitching, her whole body trembling and cold.
At this moment, she screamed in her heart, "I'm stupid! I'm cheap! I don't love myself!" But she never thought of hurting anyone. They were so vicious. Why was she always the one being tortured?
In life, they were warriors for their country and their people; in death, they sacrificed their lives for justice, heroic and loyal souls. As for her, she was a slut in life and a traitor in death. But they had done nothing but destroy her. Was that a heroic act? In the end, everyone accused her of being a traitor. They were always pure, she was always filthy and vile.
She recalled the fierce and angry look on Kuang Yumin's face before he died. Why wouldn't he be ruined?
Lai Xiujin had a beloved boyfriend, allowing her to be her most perfect and pure self for the one she loved most. Even though they ultimately parted ways, it was a poignant and touching story. The one she loved would always remember her kindness and hold the best place in their hearts for her. If he knew she was dead, he would never forget her. He would only love her more and cherish her more. Meng Shunying may be dead, but the one she loved will always remember her and cherish her.
What about me? Even if I died, he would end up like everyone else, thinking she was filthy and shameless, and that her death was not worth a pity.
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