Chapter 262
It was only later that Wang Jiazhi gained a deeper understanding of the theory of sentient suffering.
Before that, she believed the theory of love being painful, that not loving is regretful, and loving is suffering, was simply about being unable to love or being unable to stay together. It was painful to deeply love someone but they didn't love you back. Or, if you loved each other but couldn't be together for various reasons, that was naturally even more painful.
But when she really realized it herself, she found that things were far from as simple as she thought.
Reading ten thousand books is not as good as traveling ten thousand miles. In his case, all her theoretical knowledge was overturned and reshaped in practice.
She had never been naive enough to think that anything would happen with him. Everything would end soon, and even a short time together would be impossible.
Before the outcome came, he was still with her, still gentle and affectionate. But she was trapped in the excruciating torture.
She thought that by coming to him, she could forgive her unbearable past, but in the end she only hated the past even more.
She always avoided it, using many excuses to tell herself that she didn't have that kind of feelings for him, and that he didn't treat her the way she imagined.
She couldn't convince herself to suffer, and she thought she could convince herself, but it would only make her suffer more.
The regret, humiliation and tearing pain were like being cut into pieces.
When she first started to have a superficial crush on him, she was so unbridled and happy, without any burden or pain. She thought that happiness was the ultimate.
People say the ultimate happiness is ecstasy and death, and death is also called ascension to heaven. It seems that extreme happiness is equivalent to death, but everyone is afraid of death.
Before that, Wang Jiazhi's understanding was that she had already experienced the ultimate happiness in life, so she had no regrets in death. She knew this understanding was wrong, but she couldn't think of any other explanation.
The closest thing she could think of was the asphyxiation method used on the bed. Theoretically, it seemed like a substance secreted at an extremely high level in a near-death state could give people intense pleasure. But that was only one method. Could it be that everyone who experienced ecstasy had also experienced asphyxiation? It was impossible.
No matter what they did, they had never done that before. No one would want to play like that. It's not worth risking their life.
But later on, she really felt that feeling.
The fireworks in my head dissolved into a vast sea, and then my whole being melted away. I felt like a piece of candy dropped into steaming hot coffee, melting away bit by bit. For someone else, it would be like falling into warm honey, becoming sweeter and sweeter as it melted, like honey blending with oil. She was different. Her life was bitter, like a cup of bitter coffee, but that melting had to be sweetened within that bitterness.
At that moment, she felt like she wanted to die, so that she could stay in this happiest moment forever.
Especially when he melted together with her, the happiness increased several times.
She had always thought that the expressions of love and affection were very hypocritical and corny. Even during that brief and innocent first love, she still found those expressions to be disgusting and corny.
Use a piece of clay to make you and me, then break them up, add water to form another piece of clay, and make another you and me, and then you will be in me and I will be in you.
At that time, she felt really ashamed. She had never tasted grapes before and said they were sour. She had never experienced that feeling, but instead laughed at those who had experienced it and called them pretentious and corny.
When escaping from reality, she even hurt herself, thinking that she was just being dissolute and was just indulging in the same thing with him. In the beginning, it was just carnal desire, and later it was not because of something deeper and more terrifying that they became so harmonious, but simply because they got along better as time went by.
During this time, she broke down in tears, unable to stop. He quietly kissed her eyes and cheeks, resting his head against hers. Gradually, she calmed down and stopped crying. She hugged his neck and kissed him for a long time, but without any lust, she felt strangely at ease.
Later, she went to seek help from Lao Wu and his friends, but they didn't treat her like a human being at all, scolding and yelling at her. She went back and cried all day, knowing there was no way out.
When he entered the house, she felt at ease again, forgetting the present and the future. His big, cold hands were very reassuring. He wiped her tears with his sleeve and fed her sweet porridge that tasted like roses.
The next day he came back early and peeled a lot of melon seeds and nuts for her to eat.
She felt very at ease during those two days. Although she couldn't think of any way out, she felt very at ease.
On the third day, he didn't come back, and they were going out to eat. She deliberately said she had a headache and wouldn't go out. She knew they all knew she was shamelessly waiting for him at home, so she didn't care. He might not come back, or if he did, he might go into the study and never come out. But it didn't matter. Even if she couldn't see him, knowing he was in this house was a peace of mind. Even if he didn't come back, there were traces of him in this house, and she felt at ease.
She remembered reading a novel when she was a child, in which the male protagonist said: Even if I can't see you, it would be nice to see where you live.
I also felt it was corny, as if I was naturally allergic to romantic things. But she understood it all by then.
He did come back that night, changed his clothes, and went to her room, quietly embracing her to sleep. They just slept, nothing happened. It was the first time he dared to fall asleep next to her, and the first time they slept together for so long. He had never felt so at ease before.
She once thought that her happiness was that she would meet a lover who would make her heart beat faster, and that person would truly love her. They would get married, have their own children, face the joys and hardships of life together, and live together until old age.
However, at that time, just sleeping peacefully in his arms would be a luxurious happiness.
He had never been like Kuang Yumin, who always had a big mouth and spoke unrealistic and exaggerated nonsense, which only made people more annoyed and helpless. Especially when he hurt her all over, but still had the nerve to say: I won't let you get hurt.
He knew he couldn't make any promises to her, so he said very little, holding her in his arms, or letting her lean against him, gently stroking the back of her hair, or gently kissing her, and staying with her head touching. That made her feel very at ease.
Energy is conserved, converting from one form to another in equal amounts. So, she wondered if emotions were also a form of energy, converting from one form to an equivalent form. It was as if her extreme pain was also the product of extreme joy.
Sometimes she thought about how he had fought tooth and nail in his youth. He had his own ideals and beliefs, and he longed to achieve great things. He would be at the forefront, and would never do such a mean thing as to sacrifice others and hide away to reap the rewards.
If she had met him, he would never do such a beastly thing to her, making her suffer in despair for the rest of her life.
She remembered that once when they were leaving together, a cat appeared at the stairs. It had just rained outside and the cat was covered in mud. He stood in front of her to prevent the cat from jumping on her.
He couldn't even bear to get her clothes dirty, how could he bear to want her...
After all, they just flashed by in each other's lives at the wrong time.
When she saw his back as he left in Hong Kong in this life, she suddenly felt so regretful.
Even in the short time they were together, she wasted a lot of time struggling and deceiving herself. If she could start over again, she would definitely not do that again. She would stay with him well and cherish that brief moment.
She felt so stupid. Why did she waste so much time grieving over being abandoned by her beastly father? And why did she still hold a glimmer of hope for him after being harmed beyond redemption by Kuang Yumin?
People who don’t love you will never love you, but you have sacrificed so much time and emotion for them.
What a fool! I have always been a fool.
There is a saying: The person who pushed me into hell also sent me to heaven.
He let her experience the happiness in the clouds and heaven, but he did not push her into hell. He gave her liberation.
It was such a pity. She thought she had lost all desire for life in this world, but before she died, she still left behind a regret that she couldn't close her eyes. But she was willing to carry this regret with her. This regret made her realize that she could still be a human being, that she still had the ability to love and be loved, and that she could still be a mother like a normal woman.
At night, Wang Jiazhi was reading at her desk, with a cup of steaming green tea beside her and a bunch of jasmine flowers in a vase on the table, which seemed even more rich and intoxicating in the quiet night.
She rubbed her eyes, took a sip of her tea, and the baby moved in her belly. She turned the page she had finished reading, and on the next page was a two-inch-long hair stuck in her hair.
She picked up the hair, stroked it gently under the lamp, and then put it into the small mirror box next to her.
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