One man's battlefield
During the break, I habitually went around to the back door of Class 1.
Through the window, I saw Lulu sitting alone by the window. Her eyes were red and swollen. I couldn't tell if it was because she had just cried or was just suffering from insomnia.
I was just about to raise my hand to knock on the window, but she suddenly lowered her head as if she sensed something, and flipped through the physics book on the table in a panic, obviously trying to escape.
I stopped and didn't force it.
Standing in the empty corridor, watching my classmates walking by in groups of three or four, chatting and laughing, I felt so lonely for the first time.
Neither of us mentioned what happened in the hospital that day, as if it was an agreement.
————
Lulu's condition is getting worse and worse.
The second mock exam results were released, Jiang Yuanzhou's name was at the top of the list, while Lulu's name was in the last few rows.
She stood outside the crowd and watched from a distance.
After school, I watched her crumple up the test paper and stuff it into her schoolbag, her fingertips trembling.
Later, I learned from a hushed conversation between my mother and Aunt Zhou that on the night the second mock exam results came out, Lulu locked herself in the room and swallowed half a bottle of sleeping pills.
Fortunately, Aunt Zhou was upset and wanted to go to see if Lulu had kicked the quilt in the middle of the night. She found that Lulu was unconscious and her face was pale.
On the other end of the phone, my mother covered her mouth with her hands, tears streaming down her face, and kept saying, "It's good that he's back, it's good that he's back..."
I stood in the living room, feeling cold all over, as if a basin of ice water had been poured over my head.
She once took my hand, pointed at the high-rise buildings in the distance, and said to me with sparkling eyes, "Niannian, we must go out and see how the world really works."
The doctor said that Lulu's depression is serious and requires long-term professional treatment. It would be best if she could completely break away from her current environment and stay away from people and things that are familiar to her in the past before she can start over.
Aunt Zhou and Uncle Xu did not hesitate. They completed the formalities as quickly as possible, moved the family, and took her to an unfamiliar southern city to start a new life.
The day she moved was quiet.
When I rushed over after hearing the news, Lulu's house had already been moved out.
I ran upstairs, the door was ajar, and the room was empty.
The photo of us taken on our elementary school graduation day was still on the desk in her bedroom, and she didn't take it away.
In the photo, a group of us were holding hands and laughing heartily under the scorching sun. Lulu was missing one of her front teeth, and she looked silly and innocent.
I looked at the group photo and saw everyone smiling brightly. It was such a good time... I was thinking, "We'll always be friends."
When he left, he didn't even say goodbye.
Sometimes when I was walking home from school, I would suddenly stop and vaguely think I could still hear her calling my name from behind.
This time, there was no farewell at the long pavilion, no willow branches given as gifts, no urging you to drink another glass of wine, and not even a "goodbye".
It's like one of countless ordinary days, the sun is still there, the streets are still there, but one morning, the person who once shared all the secrets with me has left yesterday forever.
————
The rain in May is lingering, depressing, and endless.
My desk faces the window and I can see the sporadic lights on in the building opposite.
There are about ten days left before the college entrance examination, and I circled this number on the desk calendar with a red marker.
In the kitchen, my mother has already prepared breakfast.
She saw me and moved her lips as if she wanted to say something, but in the end she just patted my shoulder and said, "Eat it while it's hot."
The TV at home hasn't been turned on for a long time. At the bottom of the TV cabinet are the disc boxes of "Nezha Legend" and "Digimon", and the plastic shells are covered with dust.
One time when I was looking for something, I found it and saw the little Nezha with a pigtail on the cover grinning at me. That smile was so unfamiliar, as if it was from my previous life.
I'm starting to get used to being alone.
A man got up at daybreak and ate bread as he walked through the still-awakened streets.
After evening self-study, a person dragged his tired feet in the dim light of the street lamp.
The Hanshi family compound seemed to be much quieter. Without us kids chasing and playing around, even the camphor tree seemed particularly lonely.
With one set of mock test papers after another, the notebook of wrong answers is getting thicker and thicker.
That weekend my mom took me to get glasses, and the optometrist said, "Left eye 75, right eye 125, mild astigmatism."
When I put on the silver-rimmed glasses, I suddenly remembered the way Lulu pushed her glasses, gently supporting them with her index finger, and her eyes behind the lenses always flashed with determination.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I feel like I am becoming more and more like Lulu.
Every time I pass by Aunt Shen’s studio, I will subconsciously take a look.
The studio where we once spent countless afternoons is now locked.
Through the crack in the door, you can see a few dusty easels.
I can still see Lu Xingye squatting on the ground mixing colors, his face covered in all sorts of paint, and yelling at me impatiently, "Lin Nian, stop blocking the light!"
The camphor tree downstairs from Lulu's house has grown new leaves again.
I looked at the tightly closed security door.
Before Aunt Zhou moved out, she handed the key to my mom and said, "Help us... Come visit us occasionally."
But the key chain has been hanging on the hook in the entrance hall, and I have never dared to touch it.
Some emptiness is more suffocating than overflowing.
On the day when the third mock exam results were posted, the bulletin board downstairs in the teaching building was still crowded with people.
Jiang Yuanzhou's name is still at the top of the honor roll, shining with gold.
He stopped me at the corner of the corridor. "Nian Nian," his Adam's apple moved, "I got the recommendation from National Tsing Hua University."
The sound of rain outside the window is knocking on the silence.
"Congratulations." My voice was calm.
He looked at me hesitantly, as if he wanted to say something, but I had already walked around him and headed towards the classroom.
What can I say?
A few months ago in the winter, he looked at me with such determination, "Niannian, let's go to the same university in the future."
But now everything is meaningless. The road we once walked side by side has reached a fork in the road.
And one of the roads has been swallowed up by eternal darkness.
When I returned to the classroom and was sorting out the wrong questions, my pen suddenly ran out of ink.
I shook the pen in annoyance, and a drop of blue ink splashed onto the exercise book. I hurriedly wiped it with a tissue, but the more I wiped, the more blurry it became. In the end, I had to give up.
There are some roads in life that are destined to be walked through alone in darkness.
Just like now, I have to walk this road to the examination hall alone.
Those who have passed away, the friends who have left, they have become the scenery behind me.
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