Chapter 14
Without looking back, she walked straight into the dusky mist of the old street. Her steps remained steady, but the dull ache in her ribs seemed more pronounced. Was it over? She thought it was. But the ripples stirred in her heart lingered for a long time. The near-desperate persistence and immense confusion in Jiang Yu's eyes were like a lingering image, seared into her mind. That wasn't the Jiang Yu she knew, the one in control. That was a man who had been forced into a corner, his inner vulnerability exposed.
Elsewhere, Jiang Yu stood on the now-empty street. The air still lingered with her faint scent, a mixture of herbs and dust. The echo of the word "why" seemed to still vibrate in his chest, carrying with it a strange, heart-pounding emptiness.
He lost. Not in momentum, but in a torrent of emotions he couldn't control, couldn't understand. Xia Wan's gentle yet resolute refusal, like a precise scalpel, sliced through the fortress he'd attempted to construct with "compensation" and "responsibility," revealing a shattered ruin within that even he hadn't acknowledged.
The last time he'd been hurt, the girl he'd devoted his all to "pampering" ultimately left him. Like a blunt knife, it slowly and completely eroded his ability and courage to "love." He'd learned to shield himself from the risks of love with cold rules and a protective shell of distance. Giving meant losing control, the possibility of experiencing that same devastating loss again. So, facing Xia Wan, he instinctively chose the safest option: compensation. He believed that providing material care and practical support was all he could offer, the foundation for maintaining this "trial" relationship, born of guilt and responsibility.
But Xia Wan didn't want that. She told him clearly that this wasn't what she wanted. What she wanted was something he had long lost, something he didn't even dare to touch—a completely devoted heart.
He can't give it.
This realization hit him like a cold hammer, hammering down. It wasn't that he didn't want to, but that he couldn't. The scar of loss deep within him was so deep, so deep that he feared giving his heart away again. He was used to being in control, used to expressing his feelings through actions. Xia Wan's gentleness and perseverance were like a ray of light, drawing him closer, but that light also revealed the desolation and cowardice within him.
Li Mo's car slid silently to the clinic's entrance. Jiang Yu opened the door and got in, closing his eyes wearily. The car was completely silent.
"Mr. Jiang, should we go back to the hotel or..." Li Mo asked cautiously.
"Let's go back to the hotel." Jiang Yu's voice was filled with fatigue. After a pause, he added, "Let's check what project she's working on."
"Miss Xia? Okay." Li Mo agreed immediately.
Since graduating from high school and moving to Jinzhou with her family, she hadn't been back. Back at her hotel, Jiang Yu stood in front of the huge French windows, overlooking the small town's gradually lit lights. This familiar yet unfamiliar city, because of her presence, no longer seemed insignificant.
He took out his cell phone, looked at the cold message "Don't try", and remembered her clear and firm eyes in the clinic.
He was gripped by irritation and a deeper sense of powerlessness. What should he do? Force his presence before her? Continue to ask the unanswered "why"? That would only push her further away. Throw him away with material possessions and resources like before? She had clearly refused. His pride in control and problem-solving abilities were completely extinguished before Xia Wan.
For the first time, he felt so... helpless.
For the next two days, Jiang Yu didn't bother Xia Wan again. He felt like a trapped animal, trapped in his own thoughts and his hotel room. Li Mo dutifully reported Xia Wan's whereabouts: she was still leaving early and returning late to the old construction site, going to the community clinic to get her medicine changed. Her life was calm and regular, as if his presence was just an insignificant ripple.
Jiang Yu, through Li Mo, quietly arranged for several key historical structural blueprints to be provided to the old temple renovation project Xia Wan was working on. He also arranged for a shipment of high-quality, commonly used medicinal herbs to be delivered to the community clinic under the guise of a "caring citizen." He felt mixed emotions as he did this. This was still his customary way of "doing things," but he knew Xia Wan wouldn't appreciate it, and might even resent it. Yet, he couldn't help but do something, as if only in this way could he prove he still had a faint connection to her world, and even slightly alleviate the panic of losing her completely.
When Jiang Yu woke up this morning, he seemed to remember something and called his family in Jinzhou.
"Mom, go to my bedroom, take a yearbook from the bottom drawer of the bedside table..."
Facing the photo Jiang's mother had sent, the paper was already yellowing, the handwriting neat and elegant, just like Xia Wan's name, quiet and peaceful. Besides the usual blessings and the graduation message "Never say goodbye," there were no other cumbersome words. The only difference was that Xia Wan had pasted a close-up photo of her graduation. She had a ponytail and light bangs, a faint smile on her childish face, and her blue and white school uniform just revealed the words "Jincheng No. 1 Middle School" on her chest.
"I hope that when you think of me again, I will still be young."
"Hello, eighteen-year-old Xia Wan." The corners of Jiang Yu's mouth twitched almost inaudibly, then he took a deep breath and exhaled heavily, as if he had made a big decision.
"Correspondence address: No. 13 Jinyuan Road."
On the evening of the third day, Xia Wan returned from the construction site and dragged her exhausted body toward her old residential building. As she walked downstairs, she saw the familiar black car parked at the entrance of the alley. Her heart sank slightly.
The car door opened, and Jiang Yu stepped out. He wasn't wearing a sharp suit, just a dark casual jacket. He looked less sharp than usual, and the weariness between his brows deepened. He didn't approach her with the same pressure he had at the clinic. Instead, he stood a few steps away, looking at her gravely.
Xia Wan stopped and looked at him quietly. There were no questions, no evasions, only a gentle, distant calm. She knew that some things had to be said, eventually. But all she wanted was to escape quickly. She truly didn't want answers. The notebook filled with her thoughts lay quietly in the north-facing bedroom on the third floor not far away. She wanted to retreat, she wanted to rush home, embrace her feelings, and find a sense of security.
"Is your injury... feeling any better?" Jiang Yu spoke first, his voice low and hoarse, with a barely perceptible dryness. He avoided all the sharp topics and only asked about the most practical area he could still touch upon.
"Much better, thank you for your concern." Xia Wan replied softly, her tone polite and distant.
A brief silence stretched into the dusk, and the evening breeze blew, carrying with it a chill unique to winter.
"I..." Jiang Yu seemed to want to say something, but his Adam's apple rolled, and he was stuck. What should he say? An apology? An explanation? Or perhaps another question about the unanswered "why"? He found his language system so impoverished and powerless when it came to her. He was used to giving orders, used to expressing himself precisely, but he wasn't used to analyzing his own chaotic inner world.
In the end, he could only utter with difficulty: "I... don't know what to do."
These words, light and airy, were like a boulder dropped into a deep pool, stirring up a huge wave in Xia Wan's heart. She looked at him in astonishment. Jiang Yu, the eternally calm and in control, now stood before her like a lost child, his eyes filled with unprecedented confusion and... a frank vulnerability.
"Xia Wan," Jiang Yu's eyes locked on her, with an almost desperate frankness and deep pain, "Last time... I lost miserably. I thought that if I gave her everything I had to 'pamper' her, to give her everything, I could keep her. The result... you know." He didn't mention the girl's name, but the heavy feeling of failure was clearly discernible.
"After that... I don't think... I won't do that again." He admitted with difficulty, his voice low and hoarse. "I won't... treat someone like that again. I'm afraid. Afraid of giving everything away again, only to get nothing in return. Afraid of that feeling of 'too late'."
He took a deep breath, his eyes filled with complex emotions, including struggle, self-mockery, and a deeper desire that even he himself had not yet sorted out.
"To you... I admit, at first it was guilt, a sense of responsibility. I thought that using my own methods to 'do', to 'make amends', to 'take responsibility', would be enough. I thought that this... was just getting closer, just 'testing the waters'."
He twitched the corners of his mouth in self-mockery, revealing a hint of bitterness.
"It wasn't until you pushed me away that I realized... that wasn't the case. But I don't know... what else can I give you besides this? I don't know... if I already have that ability... anymore."
He no longer hid his confusion and incompetence. He exposed his most vulnerable side to her without reservation. This wasn't an excuse, nor a plea for mercy, but a confession bordering on despair. He didn't know what his feelings were for her, and he even doubted whether he was still capable of "love." But he knew clearly that he didn't want to lose her, didn't want her to leave his life like this.
Xia Wan watched him quietly, listening to his low, hoarse words. The evening breeze ruffled her hair, and the distance and defensiveness in her eyes gradually and silently melted away before Jiang Yu's frankness, tinged with immense pain. She saw his struggle, the ruins left by his emotional devastation, and above that ruin, he clumsily and laboriously reached out for her, his hand filled with confusion and longing.
Ten years of secret love made her understand his superficial pride and strength better than anyone else. But at this moment, he tore off that disguise with his own hands, revealing his bloody inner self.
Her heart felt like it had been struck hard by something, a sour and tender sensation. She said nothing, only looking at him quietly. Her slightly raised almond-shaped eyes were still clear, but now held a hint of deep pity and understanding.
Jiang Yu was also watching her, waiting for her final judgment. Would he turn around and leave again? Or...?
Dusk engulfed the two figures, stretching them far apart. The lights of the small town began to light up, and from the alleys wafted the aroma of food and the sounds of children playing. Against this backdrop of fireworks, a relationship that had begun in confusion and guilt, and ended in bewilderment, seemed, at this moment, to find a delicate and fragile balance, thanks to this brutal honesty. The future remained uncertain, but at least the high wall of misunderstanding and pretense that had stood between them had crumbled. What remained was a ruin called "truth," a ruin they needed to face together.
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