Chapter 28 I love you the most.
On the way back to Yijing Bay from the airport, Shang Shu asked the driver to take a detour to the psychologist's clinic. She hadn't had a follow-up appointment in three months, and the message she received on the yacht yesterday was the psychologist's ultimatum.
Walking through the clean and bright corridor, Shang Shu stopped in front of a familiar door. She gently took off her sunglasses, folded them and hung them on her half-open collar. She looked at the metal nameplate with "Dr. Leong" written on it by the door, took a deep breath, and raised her hand to knock on the door.
"You've arrived?" The door opened in response, revealing a woman wearing a light gray cable-knit cashmere sweater who looked very approachable. The coffee she held in her hand was steaming gently, as if welcoming her first guest of the day.
Shang Shu nodded slightly and sat down on the soft white sofa.
Liang Wanzhi, the psychologist that Shang Shu found for her three years ago, is 35 years old this year and holds a PhD in Psychological Trauma Research from Luncheng University. Rather than treatment, Shang Shu spent more time verifying the credibility of the person in front of her.
"Was your journey here smooth? You seem to be in good spirits today." Liang Wanzhi smiled and gently placed the coffee cup on the coffee table. "What would you like to drink? Water, herbal tea, coffee, or juice?"
"Water is fine, thank you," Shang Shu replied briefly and politely.
After three years of treatment, they were already quite familiar with each other. Without exchanging any more pleasantries, Liang Wanzhi placed a paper cup filled with water in front of Shang Shu and got down to business.
"How are things? Have the frequency of your nightmares decreased in the past three months?"
"Mmm." Shang Shu picked up the paper cup, took a small sip, and responded softly.
Do you remember when was the last time?
“This week…Tuesday.” Shang Shu thought for a moment and gave her answer.
"Has something special happened?" Liang Wanzhi pushed up her glasses and asked softly.
Upon hearing this, Shang Shu tightened her grip on the paper cup, causing it to deform slightly. She moved her lips and then spoke.
The morning sunlight was quite gentle, shining through the French windows onto Shang Shu and giving her dark chestnut hair a light golden edge.
The clinic is located in Nanhu Bay, a scenic area surrounded by high-end residential and commercial districts. Land prices are quite high in this prime location in Macau, but this also precisely targets its clientele, making it a fair match.
Liang Wanzhi looked at Shang Shu and seemed to no longer recognize the person in front of her. She was the girl from three years ago with her wrist wrapped in gauze and her expression listless and detached. She looked as if she had made peace with herself and created many new connections with the world. She was calm and "healthy" enough.
But is that really how she feels inside?
After listening quietly to the other person's story, Liang Wanzhi turned the handle of the coffee cup on the coffee table to the other side and began by asking about the dream: "It sounds like this dream is very different from the previous ones?"
It seems to be not just the dream itself, but also the people around you after you wake up.
"Yes, I can feel it. This time, my desire to die in my dream is stronger than ever before. If her previous disappearances felt like being immersed in ice water for a long time, then this time it's like... like being held down in boiling water until I suffocate."
Shang Shu stared at the abstract painting on the off-white wall in front of her: "I have never been so afraid. I wasn't when Mommy died, and I wasn't when I tried to end my life before. That was more like a relief."
She shook her head and continued, "I'm so scared. More than her leaving, her abandonment, and that lost love, I'm afraid she'll get hurt, afraid she'll really... I'd rather she forget me completely, even if we never have a chance to meet again in this life, than accept her death."
Looking at the tightly furrowed brows of the other person as they spoke, and the hand that kept rubbing its wrist in anxiety, Liang Wanzhi pushed the paper cup towards them: "From your description, I can feel that your love for her is still very deep. Can you tell me why you rejected her?"
Shang Shu gave a self-deprecating laugh: "I don't think anyone would fall into the same trap again before they've even figured out why they stumbled before."
"You're thinking about how to avoid getting hurt again, right?" Liang Wanzhi crossed her hands and leaned forward slightly.
"You could say that, but it's not something I can decide. All I can do is keep my distance from her, right?" After saying that, Shang Shu turned her head to look out the window.
The clinic has a great view, with the Grand Lisboa building standing not far away, gleaming brightly. But she doesn't really like the building, because if you go down to its base, you'll find that it rises from the ground in a cluster of old residential buildings.
The mottled paint, rusty iron windows, and tangled wires contrast with the smooth curves, the metallic sheen of the glass, and the dazzling lights.
It was as if every breath of air was a combination of musty and perfume smells, magical yet disjointed.
Just like now, she is unwilling to accept Gu Sui's feelings, yet she cannot imagine a life without him again.
“This is indeed a form of self-protection; you want to escape those unpleasant possibilities, which is normal,” Liang Wanzhi affirmed. “But these emotions are still a part of you, and if you are willing, you can still try to explore and discuss them.”
"Take your time, things always take time. You've done very well." Liang Wanzhi observed Shang Shu's expression and smiled as she brought the follow-up visit to a close.
Back at Yijing Bay, Shang Shu postponed Lin Lang's invitation until tomorrow. She hadn't slept all night and had been having a mental breakdown of her memories and emotions. She desperately needed to catch up on her sleep.
Slumped into the king-size bed in the bedroom, Shang Shu soon began to dream.
In her dream, she returned to that luxury yacht. Gu Sui was still wearing that beautiful silk shirt, and the river breeze once again blew her long, black hair.
Gu Sui approached her step by step, his long, slender, and bony hands cupping her face, which was a little cold from the wind. Surprisingly, she did not pull away, only feeling that his hands were so warm, so very warm.
"Ah Shu, I miss you so much."
The moment their noses touched, Gu Sui's cool yet alluring voice drifted into their ears, followed by a lingering kiss with a fruity scent.
The finest Dom Pérignon was not wasted; its pink, bubbly aroma, bursting with the sweet fragrance of nutmeg and black cherry, spread endlessly in their mouths as their warm lips and tongues intertwined.
As if possessed, Shang Shu reached out and lifted Gu Sui's graceful hips, pressing him tightly against the railing.
Extremely dangerous, yet absolutely thrilling.
The cold, damp railing sent a shiver down the spine of the person in her arms, but she still refused to release those burning lips. So the more the person tried to back away, the deeper she chased after her.
The aftereffects of the alcohol rushed to her head, making her already unfocused face even more blurred. The wind was strong on the top deck, but it couldn't extinguish the burning flame in her heart. After a few seconds of catching their breath, she kissed him again in his astonished and dazed eyes.
This time, she wanted it to last a little longer.
Feeling Gu Sui gently rubbing the back of her neck, she knew this was a sign that he had reached his limit. She gently bit his soft lips and finally looked into his already wet eyes.
"Gu Sui," she whispered in the wind, "Do you love me?"
Shang Shu watched the other person chuckle softly in her arms. This time, she anxiously cupped the other person's face in her hands, only to be met with the scent of wine wafting near her ear and a gentle whisper: "I love you the most."
Lies always sound especially appealing.
Is it a dream? If it is, then she will gladly indulge in it.
*
When Shang Shu woke up again, it was pitch black all around her. She touched her burning cheeks and buried her head under the covers.
How could she... have such a shameful dream!
It must be because of seeing Liang Wanzhi that something strange and disturbing happened to her.
Shang Shu crawled out of bed, reached for her phone from the bedside table, and saw a message from Gu Sui sent her a few hours earlier.
[Gu: Are you home yet?]
The sentence above is the same one from a week ago: "Can we meet?"
The previous sentence: 【I'm home.】
He hadn't replied to a single message; it seemed like Gu Sui was talking to thin air...
Looking at the somewhat eerie interface, Shang Shu couldn't help but smile. But suddenly, the embarrassing dream from earlier resurfaced in her mind. She quickly patted her cheeks, suppressing her smile, and lightly tapped her fingers, replying with a faint: "Hmm."
She was just about to put down her phone when the other person replied instantly: "Are you free tomorrow?"
Shang Shu reached for the remote and turned on the room lights. Holding her phone, she carefully replied with two words: 【No.】
This time, the other party didn't reply immediately, seemingly thinking about it.
She examined the two words she had replied, wondering if they were too cold and whether the other person would think she was deliberately being sarcastic.
Shang Shu shook her head. Why think so much? It's normal to keep your distance and be a little cold.
That's what she was thinking, but secretly she was also looking forward to the other person's reply.
Finally, a few minutes later, Gu Sui sent over four large words: "Get some rest."
...
Shang Shu bit her lower lip, filled with disappointment at her unfulfilled expectations. She had thought that Gu Sui would at least ask her for her reasons, but unfortunately, he was also very sparing with words.
She tossed her phone aside in frustration, recalling Liang Wanzhi's words.
Is she running away from this? The answer is undoubtedly yes, but she really doesn't know what else to do.
On the other end of the phone, Gu Sui stared at the two cold, impersonal characters, feeling as if even the period at the end was covered in frost.
She squeezed her phone. Actually, she had always been someone who didn't care whether her phone was with her or not. Her attention was rarely confined to this small screen. But she didn't know when it started, she had also begun to get used to keeping her phone by her side and checking it from time to time. For example, in the past few hours, the screen had lit up and turned off countless times.
In philosophical terms, expectation is more like an extension of desire. Desire always points to what is lacking, and what we expect is often not the object itself, but the illusion of that lack being filled. Expectation is a possibility that has not yet been realized. It can drive people to act, but it can also create new anxieties.
However, it's better to have a reply than not at all. At least it seems that the girl is not as resistant to her as before, so it can't be considered a complete regression.
Thinking about it, she stood up and decided to take a shower. After all, research showed that this was a good anxiety cleansing mechanism, stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system, which she really needed.
Gu Sui was unbuttoning her shirt, but as she revealed the bandage on her shoulder, she remembered something, and with a somber expression, she put her shirt back on. She picked up her phone again and dialed the number for the Gu Family Medical Center.
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