In the deep darkness of the night, I abandoned my reclining position and sat upright on the bench, then lowered my head and lit what I thought was the umpteenth cigarette of the night. Through the dispersing smoke, I strained to look across the river, but the entire Bund was shrouded in thick fog. All I could see was the small patch of land around me, and the lights hidden in the mist, flickering and turning, needed no embellishment to be mesmerizing and lonely…
Right now, what I need isn't these visible but intangible rays of light; I want a close friend to talk to.
I don't want to see myself hating waiting even more after midnight... I've gradually come to equate waiting with humility, because I've been sitting on the bench for two hours and smoked half a pack of cigarettes, and I really feel pathetic.
And what about Ye Zhi?
I know I'm waiting for her, but she's probably already asleep in her soft bed, fast asleep.
I've come to realize that there's no such thing as an emotion that never fades in this world, and in the end, the one who gets hurt is always the one who stays in the same place and refuses to leave... So sometimes, being carefree is a way to protect yourself, especially for men. If you try too hard in the world of relationships, you'll most likely end up in a complete mess.
To be selfish, being a "bad guy" isn't so bad. At least you won't get yourself into tons of trouble because you're too invested. Like me right now, I'm already exhausted, but I'm still waiting desperately because of that tiny bit of hope.
...
Another hour passed, and Ye Zhi still hadn't arrived. Instead, they heard a heart-wrenching cry coming from the riverbank. Without even checking, they knew it must be a woman who had been hurt in love, hysterically venting her emotions...
In essence, there is no absolute difference between Dali and Shanghai. Just as Dali has Erhai Lake and Shanghai has the Huangpu River, sometimes people see them as scenic spots, and sometimes they see them as a source of comfort after being wronged.
After all, water is always flowing. Looking at places with water and thinking about them more often will at least remind you not to be a stagnant fool. If there is a hurdle that you really can't overcome, water can also be a place of burial. In this light, water really is the most liberating thing in the world, which is why there is a legend called Meng Po's Soup and the Water of Oblivion.
Right now, if I were to comfort that heartbroken woman, I would definitely advise her to be a "bad woman," because once a person becomes bad, they won't think about those outdated rules of love like "until the seas dry up and the rocks crumble" or "forever and ever"...
Amid the woman's sobs, another gust of wind blew by. With my last hope, I looked in the direction where Ye Zhi might appear, but apart from a dim streetlamp, the place remained empty...
I gave up, and I have no regrets, because I've done my best. I won't wait here until dawn. I consider myself a man of character, and before I came here, I set my bottom line at one o'clock. If it's past one o'clock, I won't even glance at a god.
But when I stood up from the bench, it was already 1:30... I felt like an invisible hand was slapping my face repeatedly. This is incredibly low!
I finally stubbed out the last cigarette I smoked on the Bund, then got up and walked back the way I came. But the thick fog affected visibility, and I had to feel my way back several times before I finally found my way back... I couldn't help but wonder, if even a road is so hard to find, what about when you're alone? Could Ye Zhi and I have missed each other because of this fog?
I think I should send her another text message to confirm.
Instantly, I slapped myself again. How despicable must I be to have such a thought!
If she really came, how could she not take the initiative to contact me if she couldn't find me?
Thinking like this, I felt a sense of defeat and gradually lost hope in this relationship... Ye Zhi is really not me, so she would never understand what kind of spirit it took for me to come to Shanghai from Dali and be so resolute.
...
After leaving the Bund, I went to Chen Jin's place. The layout of the apartment he rented was similar to the one I used to rent. The room was very enclosed, and the only place where one could relax was a tiny balcony. This is the reality for most young people of marriageable age who drift in Shanghai. We can only live in such a small place of about ten square meters to meet all our living needs.
I've always believed that it's impossible to have ideals living in a place like this, because the cramped space and thick walls prevent your thoughts from wandering, preventing you from going out or taking flight; unless you're determined to go all out, you'll be like a corpse, forever buried in this place, slowly rotting away amidst the hustle and bustle of the big city.
...
Chen Jin was still awake. He was lying on the bed staring blankly at his phone. I asked him, "Where did you put my luggage? I need to find something to wash up."
"It's on the shelf next to the bathroom. You can climb up the ladder to get it."
I looked up and said to Chen Jin, "Your shelf design is amazing! It makes me feel like I'm entering a duplex... but this ladder is a bit shabby, is it stable to step on?"
"It's a tiny spot, you won't die from falling, so don't worry about taking it."
I looked around the room again before stepping onto the creaking, wobbly wooden ladder and taking down my suitcase.
Chen Jin gave me his bed, while he made a makeshift bed on the floor. Facing this room, we seemed to have a special understanding; we lit a cigarette together and lay down on the bed in silence…
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