Ten minutes later, Chen Jin and I finally spoke: "Do you still have any cigarettes?"
I tossed the cigarette pack to him and replied, "This is all my savings. Do whatever you want with it."
Chen Jin lit another cigarette, and the limited space became even more gloomy, just like my mood at that moment, filled with indescribable frustration and loss... Yes, I am also a somewhat sensitive man when it comes to love, so I was very upset about Ye Zhi not keeping our appointment, but I didn't know how else to vent my feelings besides smoking.
At that moment, I was particularly envious of people like Yang Sisi, because she really had the ability to cry whenever she wanted. As for me, I felt like a knife was stuck in my heart, but I still had to care about my status as an adult and force a smile.
Chen Jin was the same. To be honest, being betrayed by his girlfriend would be devastating, if not fatal. But he still disguised himself as a cockroach, stubbornly living in this sunless house. Hope and dreams were as illusory as bubbles to him because Shanghai was too realistic, and the people in his circle were even more so. Now, in order to protect Ding Lin, he had ruined his reputation, and it was basically impossible for him to find a satisfactory job in this circle again.
As I was thinking about these things, Chen Jin spoke up again, saying to me, "You quit your job and went to Dali back then, just like a mystery... Can you tell me, what exactly made you make that decision?"
"I felt desperate and couldn't see any hope."
"Are you more desperate than my buddy right now?"
I smiled and replied, "Can despair even be compared to anything... Anyway, back then, it felt like every day was an eternity, and everything looked gray. At my lowest point, I even thought about jumping into the Huangpu River."
Chen Jin looked at me for a long time and then said, "That's how I feel right now... I suspect I've been given severe depression."
"Depression is not like this at all... Don't be so pessimistic!"
"How can I not be pessimistic? ... After struggling so hard in Shanghai for so many years, I've ended up with nothing... I really don't know what to do next."
I was lost in thought...
"Michael, can't you just listen to me for a second at a time like this? I'm really going to get depressed."
"Go on, go on... I'm listening."
Chen Jin seemed to have a lot to say, but suddenly he said to me with great frustration, "What the hell can I say... It feels like my heart has been stabbed with a knife!"
I got out of bed, took a cigarette from the pack I'd just tossed to Chen Jin, lit it, and after taking several deep drags, finally spoke to him: "Have you noticed that the suffering of people like us stems from living too seriously, too competitively... Why do men have to buy a house, why do they have to have a respectable job? Actually, if you think about it carefully, these are just things women hope to get from men... The sense of security they crave, processed by society, becomes the responsibility on us men; especially men like us who lost at the starting line, from the first day we have a girlfriend, we're crushed by this mountain... If you ask me, why the hell do I have to find a woman and settle down properly? Why the hell do I deserve to be tricked by life?...
"Go on, I'll write it down in a notebook... I think it's quite effective, and it's satisfying to hear it!"
I was speechless and cursed back, "Do you look like someone who's about to have depression?... If you really resonate with this, then be more sincere."
“That’s a nice thing to hear. Go on... I promise I won’t interrupt you.”
"There's not much to say. I just feel that people like us don't need to live such a competitive life... It's better to keep life simple. If we run out of money, we'll earn it; if we have money, we'll spend it freely. Don't keep thinking about houses or women. We live our lives for ourselves."
What if you feel empty?
"You still haven't figured it out... Let me ask you, what's the point of making money?"
"Indulging in debauchery..."
"That's it, isn't it? Have you ever heard anyone say that a man who spends his days indulging in pleasure will feel empty?"
Chen Jin stared at me and said, "Looking at your expression right now, why do I feel like you're a bad guy?!"
I was stunned for a moment before replying, "Being a good man is too tiring, or is being a bad man costless... Chen Jin, I'm not kidding you, after I get back to Dali this time, I will definitely not get involved in these messy things in relationships. I need to make money first... Let's be realistic, if you don't have some money in your bank account, you don't even have the qualifications to be a bad man!"
Chen Jin replied with complete agreement, "I absolutely agree with what you said... Why should we be played by women? From now on, I will never open my heart to a woman again. I will fucking try my best to be a bad man..."
I took a deep drag of my cigarette and said, "It's an honor to witness the birth of a scumbag!"
"Likewise, likewise... But what the hell made you so cynical?"
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