Looking at Yang Sisi with tears streaming down her face, it felt as if the entire ancient city had become oppressive to me; no, it was even more oppressive for her. I knew that since returning from Thailand, she had already expressed deep dissatisfaction and worry about my current state.
At that moment, I saw not only her tears, but also her outburst. I was selfish; I never thought about how she had been getting through these past few days. Behind her seemingly cheerful facade, there was probably unspeakable pain hidden within, pain that she couldn't show to me because she wanted to appear sunny and warm me... But I had given her countless rainy days in return, day and night.
This is a selfish act. No wonder she hates Coach Ma so much for choosing to become a monk. In his pursuit of self-transcendence, he deeply hurt others. And my current state is essentially the same as Coach Ma's selfishness.
I shifted my gaze from Yang Sisi, feeling incredibly conflicted. On one hand, I wanted to find some solace, but on the other hand, I realized that what I was doing was selfish. I had not only ignored Yang Sisi's feelings, but I also felt guilty towards Chen Jin...
I'm now practically neglecting the "Jiulongju" project, but I was the one who brought it to Dali and made a solemn promise to make it a success... Although we've received 200,000 yuan in rent today, it's not enough to cover up the various crises lurking behind it.
If these crises were to erupt because of my negligence, I would ruin Chen Jin's entire life.
If there truly is such a thing as "Buddhism," then is this "Buddhism" understood through selfishness and self-interest truly compassionate? If it is not compassionate, then is the Buddha I have come to understand still the Buddha?
...
I don't know why, even after thinking about all this, I still spoke to Yang Sisi in a hurtful way: "Coach Ma has been waiting for me for over an hour. I'm going to talk to him for a while... You should go back to the bar; there's a table of people waiting for you there too..."
"Everyone else's waiting is valuable to you, but you can easily betray mine, right?... Just because you know I care about you?"
That's not what I meant.
“You don’t need to explain. I’m used to being disappointed by you time and time again… My initial intention was just to keep you from getting too close to Coach Ma, and even more so, to prevent you from having the idea of becoming a monk… Because you don’t really want to become a Buddhist. You’re just in too much pain and want to find a place to take refuge… To put it bluntly, it’s just a last-minute attempt to seek help from Buddha. You’ll regret it later… You should understand better than me that all suffering has an end…”
"No, the mortal world tests the heart, with boundless suffering and endless pain!"
"Can't you speak properly? Can't you make me feel like you're still a normal person?... You're really scaring me! I'm terrified!"
I remained silent because I had run out of things to say that would please Yang Sisi, so silence was a form of protection.
Yang Sisi fell silent because of my silence, and so we stood still in the surging crowd. But the unpredictable weather in Dali was relentless; after a muffled rumble of thunder from the Cangshan Mountains, the air pressure began to drop, making it hard to breathe, and the sky darkened. A thick, dark cloud gathered over the Cangshan Mountains, only to be suddenly torn apart by lightning... Meanwhile, the far-sighted tourists had already begun to look for shelter from the rain.
But the weather gave me a reason to speak again, and I finally said to Yang Sisi, "Let's go back to the bar, it's about to rain."
“You’re coming back with me, otherwise I’m not going anywhere.”
I could only soften my tone and say, "I've taken your advice to heart, but Coach Ma has been waiting there for so long, it wouldn't be right for me not to go... I'll just have a casual meal with him, and then I'll go to the bar to find you guys."
"No, if you insist on going to find him, then I'll go with you."
"When you see him, can you guarantee you'll stay calm? We're all friends, and I don't want any unpleasant scenes to happen... You should go back to the bar first."
"Don't you know why I can't stay calm?"
I lit a cigarette and remained in a standoff with Yang Sisi. I had no intention of giving in, at least not now, and I wouldn't go back to the bar with her...
The rain came down in a torrent, soaking not only the cigarette in my hand but also Yang Sisi's hair, yet she showed no sign of backing down... while those who had already begun to seek shelter looked at us as if we were aliens...
Rainwater dripped down Yang Sisi's long hair and onto her clothes. Her shoulder was already wet, revealing the bra strap. The heavier the rain, the more stubborn she became! At this moment, she bit her lip and looked at me with a gaze that was both loving and hateful... It terrified me, and I could also see the endless guilt in my heart.
She stubbornly wiped away the mixture of rain and tears, then choked out as she said to me, "Michael, please remember, there was a woman who got soaked in this downpour because of your foolishness and stubbornness... But she didn't want to blame you, nor did she want to interfere with your life. She just wanted you to live well... at least to live like a normal person... Maybe, there really are miracles in this world! When Ye Zhi returns to your side one day, she definitely won't want to see you like this... because women all like sunny and ambitious men... And what I have to do is watch over you for her, and then give her the best version of you... I really don't care who you gave your heart to... I only care if you're happy... do you understand?"
In the wind and rain, Yang Sisi looked extremely thin, and I felt sorry for her because of my emotions... I took off my coat and wanted to put it on her, but she knocked it off, and the coat fell to the ground, covered in dirty water.
"I don't want your clothes, I just want you to say one thing... something I want to hear."
I couldn't bear to see her like this. After a moment of hesitation, I finally said to her, "I'm not going to find Coach Ma. I'll go back to the bar with you."
Yang Sisi stopped crying and started laughing, but suddenly became afraid of the heavy rain. She covered her hair with her arms and grabbed my arm, running towards the eaves where she could take shelter from the rain...
Amidst the pattering rain, I actually heard someone clapping. They probably mistook us for a couple, assuming we'd reconciled after some negotiation… But no, I was struggling on the edge of despair, torn between Buddha and Yang Sisi… and I temporarily chose Yang Sisi, which led to her breaking into a smile through her tears. Want to chat with more like-minded people about "My Tenant Miss"? Follow "Or" on WeChat to discuss your favorite books with other book lovers.
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