Ye Zhi had her back to me, but I wasn't used to her current appearance from behind. She had cut her hair short, and although she looked cleaner and neater, she seemed to have lost some of the warmth she used to have.
In the past, I always liked to stroke her hair when I held her, especially the strands that fell over her shoulders. They were warm from her body and made me feel very close to her.
Now that even their backs are so unfamiliar, how can we measure the distance between our hearts?
After a sigh, I finally spoke to her: "Over the years, every time I come to Shanghai, I have different feelings. Sometimes I am very happy, sometimes I am afraid, and sometimes I feel lonely... I don't know why, but ever since I felt that I did not belong to this city, I have been unable to get along with it with a normal heart... But who would have thought that just a few years ago, this was the place I most wanted to settle down and build my career!"
Ye Zhi still didn't turn around. She replied in a low voice, "So, what are your feelings about coming to Shanghai this time?"
I didn't want to tell her my feelings directly. I smiled first, then said, "Before coming to the Bund, I hailed a taxi and gave the driver 200 yuan to show me around. He asked if it was my first time in Shanghai, and I said yes... He drove me around and around, and before the 200 yuan was almost gone, he brought me here... In his opinion, if it's your first time in Shanghai, you absolutely must see the Bund... But he doesn't know that before we even got to the Bund, seeing all those places I'd never been before made me feel the best, because it all felt so new and exciting. Even though I've been in Shanghai for so long, there are so many places I've never even heard of... As for the Bund, there's nothing particularly new about it, but I still had to come... Even though I didn't want to come, the driver brought me here anyway... So tell me, how do I feel right now?"
"You came to the Bund because you lied to the driver... You didn't have to come."
"Is it wrong for me to want to forget my past self and face this city with a different mindset?... I'm not lying, I hate what I've experienced over the years, so I want to forget some things!"
My emotions started to get agitated again. I wanted to light a cigarette, but found that the cigarette pack was empty.
Ye Zhi finally turned to look at me, still with a cold expression, and said to me, "If you want to forget, you should forget completely... Your hesitation, sometimes clear-headed and sometimes dazed, will only make you more miserable."
"Yes, you're absolutely right... All my suffering is self-inflicted... It's all my own fault."
I inexplicably lost control of my emotions, and then kicked the railing hard. The railing didn't budge, but my toes hurt as if they were about to break. I sat down on the ground and held my foot...
With that unsightly expression, I yelled at Ye Zhi again, "I don't ask for much... I just want you to smile at me, is that so hard... Tell me, is that so hard?"
"Don't be like this!"
“I know I’m making a complete fool of myself right now… If you’re ashamed, just pretend you don’t know me and then leave.”
“I’m not leaving. If you feel that this will make you more comfortable, then I’ll stay with you.”
I looked at her, and she looked down at me.
It took me a long time to calm myself down before I said to her, "We haven't been together for very long, but we've been through a lot together... Isn't there even one thing that makes you smile when you think back on it now?"
"I can't smile... I'm sorry... I'm getting married."
I stared at her in the light, mouth agape, my head buzzing...
With immense difficulty, I finally managed to ask her, "What did you say?"
"I'm already engaged..."
I stood up from the ground. She avoided my gaze. I suppressed the immense pain and forced a smile, saying to her, "Then I also want to see you smile."
My heart is broken, but I'm still holding on... I know she's a woman of her word; if she says she's getting married, she probably really means it... There's no element of resentment involved, and it's something she's thought through carefully.
She finally spoke to me, saying, "I'm sorry... I don't know what else to say, but I sincerely hope... you will be happier than me... I should be happy for you too, maybe you will have a married life before me."
Does it matter who goes first or last?
"unimportant."
Who is the man you are going to marry?
It doesn't matter who it is.
"It's okay if you don't want to tell me... but I know this must be a choice you've thought through carefully... What else can I say? Just be a generous and carefree man... But I really don't want you to be happier than me... because even now, I don't know what I did wrong. All I see is your giving up."
"I don't want you to hate me... Hate makes people suffer."
"Don't worry, I will try to get closer to you... But there's one thing I can't agree with... I will never hurt someone who is truly good to me."
Ye Zhi chose to remain silent.
I took her hand and made her palm face me. I wanted to smile and say "Take care," but in the end, I realized I wasn't that generous at all... I couldn't say anything malicious, nor could I say anything of blessing.
My heart was chilled by the wind, like frozen water, and the passing ships were like knives, leaving deep and shallow scars in my heart.
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