Chen Jin sensed that something was wrong with me. He glanced at me, then took out a cigarette from his pack and handed it to me. I asked him for a lighter, lit it, and then hesitated again. I didn't know how to tell him about Lu Jia. It seemed that no matter how I said it, it was difficult to bring up.
I had already finished half a cigarette, but I didn't utter a single word.
Chen Jin finally couldn't hold back any longer and said to me, "Something's really wrong with you... What's going on between you two... Why did she suddenly go to Chengdu again?"
I knew this couldn't be kept secret, but I didn't want to ruin Lu Jia's reputation, and I didn't want others to look at her with strange eyes. After weighing the options for a while, I ignored the important points and replied to Chen Jin: "We just got back and we're already arguing... Our values are too incompatible... So, I'm taking the initiative to end this relationship."
"Come on, if this could end your relationship, it would have ended a long time ago, it wouldn't have waited until today... Tell me the truth, what happened... This is too sudden... Lu Jia has sacrificed so much for you, at the very least, she won't end this relationship so easily."
I looked at Chen Jin, my heart pounding with conflicting emotions… He knew my relationship with Lu Jia too well; ordinary excuses wouldn't fool him at all… So, after a moment of hesitation, I slapped myself and said to him, “This is my fault… When I was in Jimo, I couldn't resist the loneliness and had sex with a woman… This woman found Lu Jia… and even sent her the photos of us in bed…”
"You're not kidding?"
"No joke..."
After a long silence, Chen Jin said, "This is a matter of principle. Lu Jia is blind... But I can understand you, after all, you're a grown man, you're bound to have physical needs... But you were too careless... How did you get entangled with a woman you were just playing around with?"
"I don't have your ability to leave no trace... I'm sorry to Lu Jia."
"What do you want me to say about you?"
"I'm not going to say anything... Just get me a bowl of chicken soup... I'm hungry."
"How about I get you a bowl of chicken poop?"
I didn't say anything. Chen Jin lit a cigarette for himself; after smoking only half of it, he stubbed it out and asked me, "Who is that woman... could it be Sisi?"
“How could it be her… She went to Jimo to find me, and she asked you to find out about her.”
"Ye Zhi?"
"That's even more nonsense... She wasn't even back when this happened... Don't ask anymore, I'm in a mess, let me be by myself for a while."
"You, you're the one who caused the trouble, but you're acting like you're the one who was wronged... You really think you're the boss!"
"Let's go, stop nagging here."
"Fine, I'm leaving... You should repent properly..."
Chen Jin said this, and then...
As I was about to leave... I called him back and pleaded with him, "Don't tell anyone about this. Let me save face!"
“I know what I’m doing… If Sisi and Ye Zhi find out about this… in the end, you’ll end up hurting neither of them.”
"And don't ask Lu Jia about this..."
“I won’t make a fool of myself… You did such a terrible thing, she’ll definitely blame me for not keeping a close eye on you… If I go and ask her, wouldn’t that just be asking for trouble?”
"Um."
...
After Chen Jin left, I was alone for a while. I didn't try to think about anything. I smoked a lot of cigarettes until my lungs started to feel uncomfortable... I also didn't feel like eating, so when I came to my senses, the chicken soup was already cold.
I haven't felt this disappointed in a long time.
I really wanted to go for a walk by Erhai Lake, but unfortunately, I have a crippled leg... All I can do is stay in this small hospital room of about ten square meters.
Yes, even Zhou San didn't come to see me on Wednesday. He's angry with me because of Yang Sisi's return to Shanghai.
I feel like I've become the least popular person in the world.
I can't blame anyone else. I've been too busy, to the point that I've even lost touch with old friends like Coach Ma. He doesn't even know that my leg was broken, so he hasn't been able to come and see me.
...
A sudden urge to urinate struck me, and I struggled to sit up in bed. Then, facing the nearly full urinal, I urinated again... Feeling embarrassed to trouble the nurse, I used my crutches to empty the urinal myself.
It was already dark, and one by one, the lights outside the window came on again...
I know that it won't be long before I feel even lonelier. I'm afraid of the night, and even more afraid of facing the lights that illuminate every home alone.
Even so, I dare not smoke anymore, because my lungs are dry and painful.
I lay on the bed like a useless person, reflecting on my life while forcing myself to fall asleep quickly. Once I was asleep, all these worries would disappear.
...
Around eight o'clock, the door to the ward was pushed open again... The person who came in surprised me, because it wasn't someone I knew, but An'an, whom I had only met a few times.
After placing the fruit basket she brought on the bedside table, she said to me, "I haven't seen you delivering food for two days. I asked the guy who was covering for you... and found out you were in a car accident."
I forced a smile and replied, "I didn't expect you to come see me... Let's find a place to sit down."
An'an looked around but couldn't find anything to sit on; finally, she sat down on the edge of my bed, gave me an awkward smile, and asked, "Won't you need to rest for a long time like this?"
"Yes, it will take at least a month."
"You've really suffered a lot."
"It's not so bad, it's just so boring... there's no one to talk to."
An An laughed: "Then we really are..."
We're in the same boat... He hasn't come to see me for days... Tell me, why are people so afraid of loneliness?
"Compared to this question, I think we should think more about... whether the so-called loneliness is something we give ourselves or something others give us... Sometimes I really want to be free from all attachments, but there are too many things I can't let go of in my heart."
After a brief pause, I asked An'an, "I have a rather personal question... If things continued to be like this, would you try to break free?"
What do you mean by "breaking free"?
"Unable to bear the loneliness, he went to find a new love."
An'an looked at me with a strange gaze, and I quickly explained, "I'm not implying anything... I'm just facing this dilemma myself... Is it really difficult for two people who are not together for a long time to maintain so-called loyalty?"
"That's for sure... Otherwise, why would people say that long-distance relationships are the hardest? Maybe it's because he realized this that he insisted on bringing me to Dali."
"Hmm... It's really hard for people to overcome themselves, so two people still need to get closer."
(End of this chapter)
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